Any experience of telling your children you have terminal cancer?

[redandyellowbits]

I am a single mum and have just been diagnosed with untreatable uterine cancer. I will be taking chemo for as long as it works, so I may still be around for a while to come.

However I need to let my DC know of the diagnosis so they are able to process the news and have some time to spend with me whilst they can.

Any tips for anyone who has done this?

Please can I ask posters NOT to respond with any 'I'm sorry' or 'You'll beat this' type messages or similar as this is a practical thread and I am not up to hearing those sorts of messages. I will ask for the thread to be deleted if this does happen. I hope you can understand this.

This looks like an amazing resource, thank you. I had never heard of them before, and will take a look.

I have organised my finances thank goodness, but they will want to know where they will live and who with, and make sure there is money available for their upbringing. I have been sorting this out but didn't think about the fact the girls will also want to know everything is in order too.

Hiya OP, I am a daughter of a single mum who died of cancer when my siblings & I were teenagers. She did not tell us it was terminal and so we had absolutely no processing time when she went suddenly downhill; her death came as a total shock. I know she meant well, but I do wish she had handled it differently. Thank you so much for giving your DC processing time. It will be so hard, but you are doing the absolute best by them in being honest, as it gives them time to talk everything through with you now, and make plans for different eventualities.

Respectfully, I do very much disagree with the poster who has suggested you say 'I hope not' if they ask about you dying. If it were me, having had the experience from the other side, I would not try to blur things or give them false hope. If you don't know the prognosis then I personally would be totally honest about what that might mean. And then support them as best you can - the charities mentioned upthread should help you in this.

Definitely, talk to your siblings about what taking on your DC will look like. I personally would then get all of you together - more than once, if possible - so your DC can ask all the questions they need to. Especially if that would involve them moving schools etc.

Good luck, and I'm so glad you have a wonderful family supporting you.

My auntie died a few months ago from cancer. Unfortunately her decline was quick and she never knew she was passing so hadn't prepared everything yet.

When she did tell her kids ( 3 of them) , it was quick and lots of just cuddling on the sofa crying but i also don't think at the time they truly understood that she was definitely going to die as she was very much in denial, she would tell them about the chemo and i know they had hopes she would get over it as she had breast cancer 7 years ago and beat it.

I don't know when would be a good time to tell them - now, whilst it is still the school holidays, or once the are back and have the distraction of school.

I have an appointment in early Sept to review my scan so I'll have a bit more information then about if the chemo is working and what the next steps might be, so it makes sense to tell them after that.

But it'll be school time by then - first year of A levels for DD1 and second year of GCSEs of DD2. So I wonder if I should tell them when we are at home over the summer hols, but I am working now and they obviously aren't and will want me to be around for them. But I also need to protect my job.

My gut tells me to wait until after my oncologist appointment when I will hopefully find out more.

also agree with previous poster about being honest, my cousins are still not over the fact they really no idea how bad it was. she never even wrote them a letter because she thought she would live. none of them got to say goodbye and i know they hold anger and resentment for how it was handled.

They are healing well but they will always be left with that

If you haven't already, write a Will (or update it). This should include who your DDs will live with (may change over time as they leave home/go to uni etc). Get some legal advice and think about financial arrangements to help with their care - would family need to move home or extend to accommodate them? This kind of practical decision will help give you all something to focus on.

@redandyellowbits have sent you a PM.

I've heard it's best like a jigsaw puzzle, one piece at a time, not overwhelm with information. Let them ask you questions.

I would recommend writing letters to them to be opened later in life, including details of when you became a mother, them as babies etc.

I would recommend recording some videos too.

I would recommend Near Death Experience podcasts for you now and for them further down the line. (Removed my fear of death entirely and I find enormously comforting having lost 3 people close to me in the last year..)

I very much hope you and they have extra support, as well as each other, it's wonderful they have each other. Sending ♥️🧡

Speaking from the perspective of being the DC (I was slightly older than your daughters but my siblings were the same age as some of them), my mum just started by relaying what the consultant had told her and then that there wasn't anything else they could do and that she was going to die. She cried, we cried. Then we sat and hugged for a while.

One of the things that helped was her telling us we could ask any questions even if they were things we wouldn't normally have discussed (like finances). We had one-to-one conversations about our fears over the days after the initial news. She asked us if there was anything special we wanted to do together.

One of the things I regret is that some of the things my mum wanted to put in place didn't happen because she delayed sorting them out as she couldn't face making it all real by doing them (understandably) but then things accelerated faster than anyone expected and it was too late to sort them out - which was distressing for her when she realised she wasn't going to be able to get it sorted.

I think it would have been worse for us if she hadn't told us as soon as she knew. It meant that we could at least make decisions knowing the implications rather than looking backwards afterwards and tormenting ourselves with "if I had known we had limited time, I would have done X and wouldn't have done Y".

I still do that sometimes about the lead-up to the "news". If I learned that she had known and didn't tell me, I really would have struggled to come to terms with the guilt of feeling I hadn't made perfect decisions / been a perfect daughter in the time we had (whereas it's slightly easier to forgive myself for the period before we knew). I had already worked out that something was very wrong in the hours before she told us, I'm not sure how secret you'll truly be able to keep this.

It's horrible news however you deliver it (both for you as deliverer and them as recipient). I don't think there's a time or a way for it to be non-horrible - but that's not something you're causing and there will be non-horrible and nice moments again after the news is shared.

My mum had her siblings with her for support when she told us. If you've agreed with your siblings that they'll look after your girls, maybe they could be with you/nearby when you share the news? To support you, to support the girls, and to provide visible, physical reassurance that they're going to always be looked after.

I also would be very clear and direct about what you're telling them. When my mum told us, I didn't want to believe it and with every word she said I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't true and there was something else that could be done. It was horrible to hear it confirmed that I was going to lose her and that this was really happening, but I needed to have it clearly and unequivocally confirmed so I wasn't left with false hope or misunderstanding what was happening and therefore missing the opportunity to ask her things and share things with her. It was an awful moment but it would have been so much worse if I had come away from that conversation believing she could be cured when that wasn't possible.

We didn't have any support outside the family which made things worse - I'm glad people have been able to recommend places that will provide support. It would have helped us.

I've waffled a bit, but I hope some of this makes sense.

hmmm. Ours were younger - 9 and 12.
We sat them round the table for a "family meeting" (which we never do, so they knew something was up). We told them that dad was ill and would be having a big operation and then treatment. 12yr old said "it's not cancer is it?" - I can remember the conversation clearly, even though it was almost 10yrs ago. We said yes, but did not tell them the prognosis. We told their schools the prognosis and asked them not to let on to the kids at all. Then DH said, right, as I'm going to be watching a lot of tv in the coming months, lets go out and buy a fancy tv!

12yr old burst into tears and ran up to his room.
9yr old didn't really say a lot until we were in the tv shop and she suddenly said, "mummy, I don't want to be one of those cancer families like on tv."
After that, they just kind of carried on as normal and we tried to keep life as normal as possible. They went on a lot of sleep overs with friends, and lots of play dates.

Being completely honest OP, it was the worst conversation I've had to have. It was hard, but I wouldn't tell them everything. Just what they need to know at the time.

Get your ducks in order and seek advice on questions you think they might ask, so you can try and give them answers.

That wasn't meant to be pressuring you to do things a certain way, I was just trying to cast my mind back in the context of your posts and thinking out loud as I typed.

Does the abusive exH have parental responsibility? Is there any chance he is going to start saying he wants the girls to live with him? Would he be willing to agree to support them living with your family or is he not someone who can be spoken to at all?

My understanding is that if he has parental responsibility it might require a court decision to stop him having the right for the children to reside with him even if you appoint a legal guardian in your will. The children's best interests would be paramount and at their ages their wishes and feelings would be clear but it still might require a court order so maybe that can be avoided if he is able to agree not to contest what you have all agreed.

If he has no PR then he has much less right.

You have had some fantastic advice and resources shared here, OP.

I'm a mum to 3 girls, too, 16, 12, and 10. Honesty, honesty, and more honesty coupled with as many hugs as possible and space for them to process and ask questions. There's never any acceptance, but there is knowledge, and that in itself is power.

You're giving them the choice to deal with this with you while they and you can. You're also giving them the choice to share their feelings about their own future, where they will live, etc. This will be something they will be appreciative of in the future.

When you're ready and if this is what you want, videos, voice notes, letters, advice, favourite recipes of yours that only you know how to make, insight into them as babies and your pregnancy with each one. These are a snippet of what you can do. They're not great comfort now, but I promise your girls will appreciate and cherish your gifts later.

Also, legality. Ensure you cover all based in terms of their care, finances, any inheritance, and your possessions.

oh, apologies, I've just read some more of the thread, and think my situation was different to your. sorry!

Your eldest may be allowed to look after your younger children with family support, particularly if your dc do not want contact with their father. They are old enough to have input into where they live.

I think there’s a distinct difference between incurable and terminal. We knew from day 1 that my late husbands cancer was treatable and not curable and that it would eventually be terminal. My kids were 15, 11 & 7.

we told them that his cancer was treatable, it wasn’t going to go away but the doctors would keep him as well as they could for as long as they could and when and if that changed we would let them know

it was really important to us that they weren’t looking at a clock waiting for it to happen. He was able to continue living a good life for a further 2 years and we then had the terminal conversation when it became clear that treatment wasn’t working anymore.

my kids had absolutely no interest in counselling at that point and I had to be led by them

PostPals are good.

I think you have to be honest. Maggies Centres are great. I would tell them the cancer will eventually kill you, but that it may be many years yet. If you do not tell them the truth, you risk them over hearing it from someone else. They need to know you will be honest with them. If you know anyone who has cancer and has lived a long time with it, point them out. There may be someone famous in this position? So they know that it could be many years - but only if it could be.

They will want to know practical answers as you rightly say. Where you can answer them, but also be honest where you still have to figure it out e.g. relatives have said you can live with them, but we still have to work out the details.

Tell their schools so they know your DCs will need extra support. Accept any help offered.

I would recommend writing letters to them to be opened later in life, including details of when you became a mother, them as babies etc.

I'm going to comment on this from my perspective based on my experience as the DC. That's all.

My mum left us each a single letter written at that moment in time. Immediately after she died I wished she'd written more. I desperately wanted to hear more from her - but I don't think she could ever have written enough to stop me feeling that way after she died.

As an adult a couple of decades on, I still have the letter and it's precious to me. I was reading it yesterday actually because I had a tough day.

I don't think I could have coped with receiving more letters at life stages or over a prolonged period of time. It would have been too painful for me... Always wondering what the next letter says... And then there would be the additional loss of finally reaching the age/stage where there are no more letters left to come.

I personally couldn't have coped with that and I'm not sure that my siblings would have either.

We have memory boxes where she included information about her life before we were born and her memories of us when we were little. We can revisit those when we feel able.

Like I said, this is just my perspective.

Unfortunately, exH does have parental responsibility, he has been asking the girls to see him for the past 1.5 years but the girls don't want to. I really don't know if he will say he wants the girls to live with him, if he does it will be purely out of spite, as he hasn't tried at all in the 10 years we have been divorced.

I think this will involve a court decision - the girls will all be clear they don't want to live with him and I can only hope that this is agreed by the courts.

He lives 2h away with a new wife and baby, and so moving would be a massive upheaval for the girls, away from where they have lived for the past 10 years. All would have to change schools too. The girls also haven't seen him in 1.5 years, their choice.

I can only hope he agrees to something out of court. I don't know what that would be - a signed agreement, or some sort or an official document. I will need to ask solicitor about this.

This is another reason to get the girls involved and let them be involved in the process I suppose, but how scary for them.

If you haven't already it might be worth talking to a councillor about how you can talk to your kids. Not so much for them to tell you what to say but more for them to help you organise your thoughts and feelings so that you can work out ways to help the kids through this.
As everyone says all the time every family and every situation like this is different. You have to try and work out what's best for you and accept you might not get it right.
Things like memory boxes might be good for some families but they aren't for everyone. It just depends. It all just depends.

This has been my feeling about letters to be opened later in life too - that each big and lovely event would somehow be marred by my absence, me popping up on a lovely day and reminding you that I am not here. I don't think I want that for my girls.

I would also not know what to say about their wedding day or their children if I have not met their spouses or their children. And I don't want to set the expectation that they should be getting married or having babies.

I will think about writing little letters about my life and our lives together, but not focusing on a future life without me there. Maybe notes rather than letters as I would have no idea what to put in a letter.

Sending so much love OP. I totally understand why you will be thinking about your girls GCSEs and A-levels, but I would try to make peace with the possibility that it might not be possible to stay on track with all of that whilst you all have this going on, and if that’s the case, it will be okay. It’s hard to accept that but it’s honestly true and if you can get your head around it you’ll be able to support them if they find it all too much. These things can be caught up on when the time is right.
in terms of the girls’ living arrangements, it will depend on whether you have a court order in place already, and whether Dad is likely to try to cause problems, ultimately your girls are already old enough so I don’t think you need to worry but you may want to get legal advice, I can recommend an amazing direct access barrister whi is really sensitive , affordable and very good if that’s helpful just pm me.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, sending all the hugs your way