New camping rules.

[Mysterian]

Anybody fryng bacon in the morning must give other people a bit on request.

Anybody playing music past limit in the evening can be shot with a crossbow.

No neon orange tents.

No acting too cheerful before 8am.

If you own a vw camper van and want to erect a flag pole and enormous pirate flag in the middle of an open, windy field, then you should be pushed out into the middle of the sea where you belong. It's hard enough to sleep on a campsite without the constant flap, flap, flap, flap, flap...

ONE string of outside fairy lights per tent.

If unsupervised children enter other people's tents they can be put to work sweeping the floor, fetching water, taking bins out,etc.

Everyone that is not afraid of spiders/insects must take one with them every time they leave the toilets/shower rooms.

All Snorers to camp in their own field ( at least 3 fields down )
No bunting .

If someone in your party snores - by all means put them in their own tent. But nowhere near mine.

If you trip over someone else’s guys you are far too close to your tent. Ditto your children. Do you let them run through other people’s gardens and lounges?
As a result all guys will be replaced with razor wire and if you get your ankles and toes sliced off, serve you right.

Keep your monster bubble machine, with its waterproof-stripping detergent, away from my tent, Before I reciprocate with a super soaker filled with indelible blue dye.

The campsite sinks are not the place to ask kids/teens to wash up if they never do this at home. Without fail, they leave a right old mess for some other mug to clear up.

Too close to THEIR tent…

Children who run across other people's pitches with water pistols and screaming can be tripped up.

Anyone sitting outside talking louder than a normal conversational voice can be hit round the head with frying pan.

Children calling their brother a fat cunt because (much bigger) brother was beating seven shades of shit our of him will be applauded seeing as his own parents told him to stop being a baby and that he was being sent home because he ruins everything. (Wales, last week. I wanted to give him a big hug)

Any karaoke machines can be thrown in the nearest lake

If your car alarm goes off all night, keeping everyone awake but you, you need to provide a bottle of wine to each adult and ice cream to each child

Massive bug bear of mine. When I was a kid I would be tent grounded if my Mum caught me getting too close to someone else's pitch/tent!

Last week when we were away, DH wanted to set up a trip wire between our car and caravan!!

Instant tongue removal for screaming dc...
Gaffer tape for barking ddogs.
Hanging for coughers...

Oh I've a list, campers have changed this last few years & definitely not for the better 🥴

The water stand is not a kids play park to dump your kids at so you can get pissed. Fill a fecking bucket for them like the rest of us do & keep them under your watch. Other people don't want to have to argue with your feral kids & get soaked by them when trying to fill a kettle

You wouldn't go wandering through some strangers garden & stick your head in their front door because you want to look inside their house. Why the feck do you think it's acceptable to March through a circle group of tents that are roped off & unzip tents & stick your head in

Tether your fucking dogs. It's a fucking farm, it's not my job to have to grab them to stop them worrying the farms horses & sheep, nor to stop them getting bitten by marching up to tethered dogs in our group... you wouldn't expect your dog to go into another's garden & the resident dog not defend its territory, dogs in our group are not vicious, you are just a shit dog owner & if you let your dog piss on our tent, don't be shocked if I send my husband over to piss on yours

Don't wake your kids up to drag them across fields to the loo screaming blue murder at 12.30 pm because your turning in. You are not at home, bring a friggin potty like the rest of us did & make an effort to keep them quiet & if yiu know you can't. You shouldn't be camping

I could go on & on 🥴

Dogs on short leashes outside your van or tent ..
Not so they can come within 3ft of another pitch and yap and snarl .. No, its not just being friendly.. Nor is it cute. And yes, I will wallop it with a frying pan or empty a bucket of dirty water on it if it does it again..

I like dogs actually .. just don't want to be terrorised by just sitting outside my van within 20ft of your because you have it on too long a leash

This thread is reminding me why I will never ever ever ever ever ever go camping

ever

Children will be parented by anyone on site regardless of whether you think they are 'only expressing themselves'.

Any screaming kid hurdling my guy ropes an inch and a half from my face and leaping past a lit fire pit ffs because they're being chased by another kid and parents are on the far side of the site with no idea of where they are/what they're doing should be exiled to a beach between the hours of 8am and 7pm, and the parents held personally responsible for my having a heartattack/never being able to relax because I'm now listening to and worrying about where your kid is, what they're doing and whether or not they're about to become a blue light job.

This is why I now do only adult-only sites.

@twilightcafe totally with you on kids being sent to do washing up. Summer 2020 a big site we went to was down to one sink due to distancing. The socially distanced queue snaked back through the site, at the head of it, two children larking about, taking forever. I stepped in when they started laboriously drying each item and suggested the drying could be done back at the tent.

Anyone using bubble mixture at a campsite has to drink the bottle.

your child may have a pen knife but please don’t give my 6 year old son who’s running about a 6 inch sharpened to a very impressive point wooden stake.

To be fair most of these hanging offence behaviours are rare on the campsites I go to (EHU-free, spacious ‘back to basics’ wild style, usually dog-free and occasionally now adult only)

So maybe I should add: Being a moany old git? Do the friendly relaxed camping community a favour and Drink the Kool Aid.

This thread is reminding me why I will never ever ever ever ever ever go camping

This thread is reminding me why I am so choosy about the camping sites I choose.

I’m camping at the moment. The nearest neighbour is at least 100 yards away. There’s four tents in the field, including us. Apparently, the owners don’t like it to get too busy.

Fatballs: My kind of site!

Camping with others who appreciate space, peace and quiet, and behave accordingly.

I'm glad the children are now of the age where "playpark" is taken off the essential list. Campsites are great for children to have freedom but they do need some supervision

I would pay very good money for a campsite specifically designed for boring, moany old gits - it would be a peaceful paradise!

You're absolutely right, the 'wild style' dog free, adult only sites are bliss if you're lucky enough to be camping without a young family in tow.