Bad Advice: Camping.

[TiggyD]

Spinning off from a thread where the OP wanted good advice on what her child should take camping, let's have some bad advice for everybody going camping this spring/summer!

The ideal camping food is pavlova. Always take a couple with you just in case.

The easiest way to dry clothes is to wear them. Your body heat will dry them out nicely.

The only implement, utensil or tool you will need is a spoon. Make sure it's a heavy one though, or you'll never hammer those pegs in.

Keep bottles of Lucozade in the tent for energy boosts, but so you don't have to keep going to the toilet block, wee in empty Lucozade bottles and keep them in the tent until you go home.

Don't take tent poles they're over rated (never forgot them honestly) :)

treadthecracks - definitely the quickest I've got to know my neighbours too. We came back to find that the lovely people had braved the gale and the downpour to pull up pegs and lay the tent down flat to stop if completely blowing away or ripping any further. Bless them.

Make sure that you leave food waste out over night to attract vermin.

Deserving wildlife, sh1t, deserving wildlife!

As soon as you enter your tent, you become inaudible. Tents are soundproof. FACT. They cannot hear you noisily having rumpy pumpy. Go crazy. Talk about the other family you are camping next to as loudly as you wish - they cannot hear you. .

Camping on a slope works wonders for hernias, chronic back ache, sciatica and the like. On a slope, always pitch your tent so that your feet are pointing upwards. Your complexion will be that of an English rose by morningtide.

When storms are forecast it's best to book your camping holiday somewhere inaccessible, so you can't just drive home when the thunder, lightning and torrential rain start, the Isles of Scilly are perfect as they also attract high winds. After a wet week you can then compound your errors by getting the times mixed up and missing the ferry back, it's best to realise you've done this once you've taken the tent down so you have nowhere left to shelter and everything you own is totally waterlogged.

I see the 2007 storms have been mentioned, if you decide to get a campervan as you've had so many tenting disasters, those storms would be a very good time to break the pop-top roof. The torrents of freezing cold water will help you to sleep, honestly. Make sure the van has a dodgy engine so you can't give up and go home, you wouldn't want to miss any of the fun!

Believe it or not I love camping , I've just had a bit of bad luck with the weather sometimes.

On the 'tents are soundproof theme': fantastic place to have a argument, with plenty of swearing. The DofE group pitched next to you on their first ever expedition will not get much sleep and learn some very interesting new words.

I presume you've all read this?

Go camping.

Go camping with your friends. It'll firm up friendships for life!

If it rains you can use your barbecue in your tent. It's perfectly safe.

Listen to your dh when he says that its always hot in northern Spain/ South of France in August. Of course you won't need pyjamas or quilts, or even sleeping bags. A thin quilt cover will be fine.

If your pitch is on a slope, pitch acorss it so you all roll together for a lovely cosy cuddle in the night.

waltons

A bareQuick makes a really good heater ona a chilly night after the flames have died down. Carbon monoxide will make sure you get a really good night's sleep!

(every year there seems to be a tragedy caused by this)

bareQuick BarbeQuick - the keyboard has never been the same since the Coffee Incident.

There is no need to double check you have the bottle opener. You won't be needing a drink once you have arrived and will not risk your teeth

Devon in the May half term is always dry and warm, a perfect place to take long haired dogs. You will have plenty of opportunity to dry their beds and towels between swims.

Never bother to check your pitch for ants nests, snakes, rabbit holes, dead animals before pitching your ageing frame tent. It's much more fun to try to move the whole thing once erected. And for an added frisson of excitement, remember to leave one pole pegged down before yanking the whole thing yards across the ground.

Always pitch your tent side on to heavy wind and rain, the ensuing face full of wet tent all night when you are trying to sleep will be a treasured memory for years to come.

Try whenever possible to not only pitch your tent on a slope, but also try to leave a bit of door open to ensure you get the full wind/rain combo into the tent.
Always believe your DH when he tells you you wont' get wet if you take DD away for the night on your own. The leaking was due to the inclement weather and thunder. Of course a heavy dew won't seep through and drip.

Take large, boisterous puppies with you, in spite of the fact family are more than happy to have them. They will love the rain and mud and the endless shrieks of children who have been adorned with mud, rain, dribble etc will amuse your neighbours for hours.
Also remember to pack one of those screw in the ground dog tethers and an extra long lead so that the afore-mentioned puppy can sit out in the fresh air and entertain other campers by baying like a banshee when they walk past, then tripping them up with the long lead as they run away.

there's no need to pitch near a tent with very young children. even if you are over the other side of the field they will still wake you at 6am, so you don't worry about taking an alarm clock with you so you can get up earlier than you do when you are at work.

Ooh and another one... your camping gear will slot neatly under your bed, in a small cupboard or similar. There is no chance that it will morph into a gargantuan pile of brightly coloured man-made fibre that takes up half of your living space and necessitate the purchase of a larger car/ roof box etc.

The beauty of camping is the wild and free spontaneity. As soon as you see the papers run 'What a Scorcher' as a headline on Thursday morning, that is the moment to rock up without a booking to your favourite popular campsite, so trendy that it is featured in the CoolCamping Guide, on the Friday night.

Take white jeans....

Always pitch your tent in a lovely little hollow where you will be sheltered by the banks in the upcoming storm. Ignore anyone who tells you this will lead to your tent being flooded...

When you discover that there is a sharp stone under your tent once it's pitched it's always a good idea to hit it with a mallet to push it into the ground. It won't rip your groundsheet oh no!

A small camp stove with non standard size canisters is great.

If you do run out of gas and the campsite shop as well as the campsite shop at the next campsite don't have the right size gas canister, you can always prepare a delicious meal of super noodles, mushrooms and tuna simply by leaving the noodles to soak in warm water.