Bad Advice: Camping.

[TiggyD]

Spinning off from a thread where the OP wanted good advice on what her child should take camping, let's have some bad advice for everybody going camping this spring/summer!

The ideal camping food is pavlova. Always take a couple with you just in case.

The easiest way to dry clothes is to wear them. Your body heat will dry them out nicely.

The only implement, utensil or tool you will need is a spoon. Make sure it's a heavy one though, or you'll never hammer those pegs in.

Keep bottles of Lucozade in the tent for energy boosts, but so you don't have to keep going to the toilet block, wee in empty Lucozade bottles and keep them in the tent until you go home.

When camping on a beach, the optimum place to pitch a tent is between the sea and the dark line of seaweed further up the beach.

The way to tell the difference between harmless cows and the more aggressive bulls?

Cows have rings in their noses - avoid the bulls with their large, four-noded pink testicles.

If you go when you are heavily pregnant choose the pitch as far away as possible from the loo.

Everytime you need to wee (3 times a night) can be like a little game you can play. A game called Will I Actually Piss Myself or Not This Time?'

Before any camping trip always kit yourself (and the DCs) out in brand new, designer clothes and shoes. You are going on holiday, right? You need nice new clothes, right?

No, it won't rain for 7 days non-stop and no, your lovely new outfits and shoes won't be completely ruined.

Also, always book a week in South Wales during a time of widespread torrential rain and flooding (we actually did this - 2007 if anyone remembers the lovely downpours and closed motorways ). In my defence, we booked it in June while the weather was lovely .

Never bother checking the weather forecast beforehand, because that way you may well pack appropriate clothing.

Remember: camping is the most fun when you have to pack away a sopping wet tent and all its contents single-handedly with a 3 year old "helping". Fantastic fun!!

Summer PJs will be fine.

Don't bother taking wine - you'll be having far too much fun to drink it.

Camping stoves never run out of gas just as you're about to start cooking Saturday tea with no camping shops for miles around.

If the harness on your toddler's car seat breaks when you are camping on your own with them in the middle of nowhere, it's a really easy job to get a new one.

Should your small children be prone to waking at five, simply chuck them out of the tent with an array of loud toys and let them play noisily for the next few hours while you sleep and occasionally hurl abuse from your bed like the family in the next tent to us last year

Coconutty. You must go. Its fun.

Don't bother taking cards or anything to amuse the kids of an evening ,they'll be out til night fall playing whilst the summer sun goes down and you sit out supping wine and reading.

(PS to Coconutty - I've still got 42 nights and counting booked for this year - go buy that tent!)

Inner-City Naturism is not only tolerated, but encouraged, in most major European cities.

It is perfectly legal to pitch your tent in any municipal park, on a central reservation or roundabout - or on sports pitches - and go about your business unfettered by the inconvenience of clothing.

Passers-by will welcome a cheery wave and a jolly "Good Morning" (Verpiss dich, Deutsche Schweine, when in Germany) - it will brighten up their day

Don't bother taking a torch - the camp site is sure to have lighting on all the paths. If you do pack one by mistake, don't under any circumstances bother with the extra bulk of spare batteries.

Guy ropes are an unnecessary hazard, so don't bother with them. The tent won't fly away in a gale provided you are in it throughout.

When using a Tilley lamp or other lamps with a naked flame, always hang it as close as possible to the roof of the tent to make the most of the light. Try it and see just how much brighter it is in your tent after a few short moments.

Don't pack any food - the site's own shop will offer great value, be well stocked and always be open just when you need it to be.

Don't pack camping tables or chairs - a waste of space when you can just find a nice, dry piece of ground to sit on to eat your meals for the week.

Take 25 Cub Scouts with you to save packing an alarm clock.

Tinned spaghetti is an excellent camp food - especially for kids and particularly when it is raining so they can't eat it outside. You sure will be glad you brought it!

Oooo popoozzle I remember that one - I'd spent the whole day packing the car ready to go straight from school, then checked forecast just before leaving. Spent whole evening unloading again, but very glad when I saw Tewkesbury Abbey on its newly formed island on the news much later when disappointed dds in bed and I opened what should have been the sitting round the barbecue after sunset bottle of wine...

Don't worry about leaving your tent and going out for the day when it is blowing a gale. The rips and tears in the canvas that are acquired when the poles punch through the sides are handy for ventilation afterwards- and give your husband and excuse to practise his sewing skills.

This really happened.

Hallo we have seen this and will move it out of chat but are leaving here for the moment.
Thanks
MN Towers

Someone, somewhere can't cope with tongue-in-cheek ...

Hello Mumsnet. I put it in chat because I didn't want people to get it muddled up with good advice. Such as:

Don't forget that your cat will love camping too. Cat flaps are really easy to make in tents.

If camping in France you will need to put red reflective triangles around your tent and wear a hi vis jacket at all times.

Tents go peg side down.

If it starts thundering and lightning stay in your tent for magic protection.

Buy a toaster rack.

Has someone asked for it to be moved? How ridiculous!

Take your small dog with you, it won't be able to squeeze through the teeny gap of your fully closed tent door at 4am. Oh no...

Buy an inflatable toast rack. They pack easier.

2kids - happened to us too, we go back from a day out to find our lovely camp neighbours (who we'd lnow for half a day) holding the tent down.

Its important to EXPERIENCE weather conditions, otherwise you really just don't appreciate them. Camp on a cliff near the Irish Sea when cyclonic gales are forecast, for example.

Make sure that you leave food waste out over night to attract vermin.

As soon as you enter your tent, you become inaudible. Tents are soundproof. FACT. They cannot hear you noisily having rumpy pumpy. Go crazy.

Camping on a slope works wonders for hernias, chronic back ache, sciatica and the like.

Ignore the silly advice on tents about not using stoves inside the tent, I mean they've obviously never camped in bad weather and how else are you supposed to cook.

Clearly stoves are designed not to get too hot to melt the groundsheet and the flames won't damage nylon/canvas/cotton at all.