Bad Advice: Camping.

[TiggyD]

Spinning off from a thread where the OP wanted good advice on what her child should take camping, let's have some bad advice for everybody going camping this spring/summer!

The ideal camping food is pavlova. Always take a couple with you just in case.

The easiest way to dry clothes is to wear them. Your body heat will dry them out nicely.

The only implement, utensil or tool you will need is a spoon. Make sure it's a heavy one though, or you'll never hammer those pegs in.

Keep bottles of Lucozade in the tent for energy boosts, but so you don't have to keep going to the toilet block, wee in empty Lucozade bottles and keep them in the tent until you go home.

A good camping stove will triple up as a lamp and radiator inside the tent. Do not pack spare gas as you'll have enough from the last time you went camping and almost finished the canister.

No need bring food as the farm shop will sell all (the eggs) you need.

Don't bother packing toiletries, towels, hairdryers etc, as the most scrumptious, luxurious bottles and thick towels are provided by the campsite owners in the warm, well heated shower rooms.

The very best tent to take to a festival is an authentic 18 ft wide american tipi. Narrow lanes are no problem with 24 foot poles on a boat trailer, and the best place to erect it would probably be at the top of a hill on a windy day.
Dont bother with any instructions either - if them injuns could do it, I am sure a couple of IT guys wont have any problem!!

This thread is really making me chuckle.

When packing up to come home, remember to leave a dc behind. You will have a joyful reunion over an hour later when you have found dc who was hunting for lost teddy in field (packed at bottom of boot and now needing to be reunited with owner). The local farmer will remember you and want you to come back.

In wet weather always make sure you pitch your tent on soft ground so that you can get the pegs in quickly. Then at night, when the wind gets up, you can experience that invigorating freshness as the sides of your tent swiftly lift in the gusts.

All campsite ground is soft and easy to put pegs in. You will not need any type of heavy duty peg/mallet or a drill to make holes in the ground

Take a lilo to sleep on, when your tent, which is in fact a summer beach shade tent with no water proofing, fills up with rain water at least you will float. You can climb inside black bin liners in your sleeping bag and get plenty of restful sleep.

Also get really drunk and crash into your tent and break a couple of the poles, it's no problemo.

Don't be mean- lend your expensive self-inflating mat to your teenage ds for sleepovers when you're not using it. One of the best things about camping is waking up in the morning with a stiff back and neck due to your lovely mat deflating itself.

Never never never check beforehand that all your equipment is in the tent bag - that frisson of excitement upon realising that some crucial piece of kit is still sitting in the cellar while you're on the Alps is just priceless. It's best if you manage to forget something really big like, ohh, the inner tent, for instance. After all, sleep and warmth are much overrated, and when the dew falls on your face at 4am it just brings you so much closer to nature.

Always choose a nice pitch right next to that big group of young people with the stereo and the guitars. See point above about sleep being overrated.

Those fold up saucepans from army surplus places are excellent value. When the food you are cooking burns and sticks to the base like shit to a blanket (and steadfastly refuses to be removed by your efforts with lukewarm water and a cheap scourer) the residue will pleasantly flavour all subsequent meals.

The washing up facilities will also be excellent. Your fellow campers will scrupulously remove every last bit of their spaghetti hoops from the plughole before you get there, there will always be enough plugs to go round and the water will be piping hot.

Never waste time watching that long-winded video on how to pitch your new tent. It's much easier if you and DH just set off an hour or 2 late. Leave the instructions behind too, you won't need those. You'll instinctively know which pole goes where.

Never check you've got everything before you set off. After all, you didn't really need the carpet inside the tent, did you? Or the cooking utensils. You save hours unpacking the car by leaving loads of non-essentials behind.

Don't bother taking the kettle, making a cuppa from boiling water in a pan is just as easy.
Yes you can plug every electrical device in at the same time, the campsite manager is just being alarmist with all that 'you'll trip the entire site' business.
Don't bother Getting to the campsite super early and leave yourself plenty of time to pitch before dark after all the man in the shop said the tent only takes 15 minutes to put up.
Buy a toast rack, the black bits are good for you.

Don't bother buying a tent, a sleeping bag is all you need to battle the elements.

Open fires are permitted anywhere....so stoke them up each night.

Go camping in the snow, you will love the sensation of it collapsing on top of you and the thrill of having to cut yourself out!

Don't take any food, so much cheaper to eat out with a family.

The taste of water from plastic camping containers is truly delicious!

You don't need to use contraception whilst camping........

Marriage in trouble? A camping trip will really help you bond. Everything from pitching the tent to cooking a fry up in the pissing rain will do nothing but cement your love for each other.

Don't bother with the inner tent. Just a luxury.

Gruffalo, I'd always thought a caravan awning was the best reconciliation tool for marriages, you only have to walk past a few newly arrived caravans to hear great communication going on between husband and wife.....

Be sure to pitch right next to the toilets, so you can reach them easily. The doors will slam all night long to lull you to a restful nights sleep.

In the name of all that is holy, this treasure has just come back to me (deeply repressed memory!)

It is fine to allow your DS to graze at will through the fruit bowl on holiday (most especially after a trip to the PYO strawberry farm) The little voice the following morning that says "uhoh, theres been a BIG accident" is an understatement.

Explosive poo is a doddle to deal with in a tent (easier than at home) and a sleeping bag will niftily catch the majority. Campsite laundrys are cheap, efficient and there will always be a machine available. The dryers will quickly and cheaply deal with a sleeping bag and assorted other items caught in the crossfire. The lingering smell will also be a valuable lesson to your DC's as it will turn your tent into a fairly accurate representation of a WW2 field hospital.

That is all.

When you go camping be sure to take your flip flops. And take especial care to wear them when you amble off to the loo at six am! There's nothing better than being woken by the sound of clip clapping feet shambling past your head, just as the sun is up and the birds have started their dawn chorus, and the chances of returning to slumber at slim to zero! Everyone on the site will thank you for the alarm call. you fucking inconsiderate bitch

If you do have sex whilst camping make sure you keep the tent light on... no-one will see the shadows of you having rumpy pumpy in your jumper, honest.

Always ignore the berth of a tent - buy one at least one person less than needed to save money - you'll all fit in a treat.

They'll be no midges this summer its been to wet so will not buy repellent candles. wee biting bastards

It is possible to have sex in even the tiniest bivouac without the entire campsite population watching your arse going up and down with the tent.