Problems with making friends

[overthehill]

My ds (9) has been going through an angry phase at home lately and said at the weekend that no-one will go with him when they pair off in class and he goes round the playground on his own. He has one supposed best friend, but this boy is very popular, and ds says that two other boys "hate him so much" that they suggest games to his "friend" that they know he'll hate (usually involving guns) so he'll go away. His birthday is quite soon and he says he really wants a party, but has no-one to invite. I've suggested a birthday treat, maybe just with this one boy, but he's not sure if he'll want to come and he wants a "proper party" as well as "everyone has parties".

He's always been a bit on the periphery and has different interests from the others (he hates football, guns, Warhammer and Star Wars), and he doesn't seem to want to compromise for the sake of being with particular people. He relates well to adults, but I just feel so sorry for him at present as he's really low and lacking in self-esteem.

Maybe he needs to pretend to like these so he can make friends? I know it's false but despirate times and all that.
Is there a club he could join after school to make friends? It sounds like he needs to boost his self esteem.
Ds has a good book, called the Unwritten Rules of Friendship. It helps children to 'blend in' and make friends by looking at what they can do. This may help.

Oh gawd. It's such a hard age.

Do you know any of the mums? Perhaps a word in the playground - and rather than a big class party, you could invite his mates whose mothers you know will turn up with them, and do a pizza making night and sleepover.

Scrooged, he's the complete opposite of my dd (I know girls' friendships tend to be different anyway), who will blend in and go along with things just to fit in. He lets everyone know he hates football, war games etc and they just take advantage of that.

He does do drama after school, but it's nearly all girls and they ignore him because he's a boy. He did team up in class with several girls last year, but none of them are in his class this year and he says they've told him they don't like him any more as well.

It might be worth getting a copy of the book and thanks for the suggestion, but the trouble is that he's been with these same kids for so long that it would be hard for him to "reinvent himself" - and I can't imagine him having the willpower to do it anyway.

CT, quite honestly, having a party at home would be like hell on earth: there's no way these boys would have the attention span to do anything like making pizzas and they'd be rampaging about, as has happened at previous horrendous parties in church halls.

I do know the mums and three in particular are really nice, but they can't make their children like my ds. Honestly, it just worries me so much as he went through a really bad phase last year when he kept expressing suicidal thoughts and I don't think I could go through that all again.

Children forget very quickly about old behaviour so it's worth a shot.

Yes, I agree that anything's worth a shot, Scrooged. We also have parents' evening later this week so I'm definitely going to bring it up there and see what the teachers say. I suspect it's true but sometimes children do exaggerate these things.

try the book. Sometimes everyone has to change aspects of themselves in order to fit in. It's wrong IMO, people should accept them the way they are but they don't, especially children.

Oh dear, somehow I think it's going to be difficult to get him to compromise: this evening he was complaining that he'd been told off for standing beside the football pitch at lunchtime and shouting that football was rubbish!

I have been in a similar situation ......

what worked for us was collecting of football cards and football astro turf trainers - ds1 who thought he didnt like football suddenly did and became one of the boys and now loves the game - cept now hes 15 the stuff is sooooooooooooooo much dearer.

It was definitely finding a mutual hobby/interest that got him in the clique and its a tip the head complimented me on and I know has helped other mums.

The irony of the football thing is that I was crazy about it when I was his age - although db and now dh both hate all sport with a passion! I just can't see him getting into football, although he could certainly do with playing sport as he's a bit too chunky - although not exactly fat. I think there's more of a chance that he'll want to play in a band when he's a bit older - although ATM he's not playing obvious instruments (piano & trombone). He's said for ages that he'd like to learn the drums, but dh has purposely ignored him...

what about autograph hunting??

he could write to celebs and footballers etc and get signed pics??