Teacher says this is normal behaviour for Y1 & 2. I disagree

[Palomiino]

I’m so fed up and sad. We found what we thought was a small, lovely independent school for my dd who is 6. Reception went perfectly. There wasn’t a day she didn’t want to go in.

This year, she has been bullied by two girls in year 2 (they mix the year groups together) . It has made her very anxious to go to school and she clings on to me at drop offs.

Examples of things happening;

Pinching
scratching
pushing
running into her at play time
snatching things off her
manhandling her out of a play area

Every time I complained to the teacher about it, she was saying that it’s normal for 6, 7 and 8 year olds to deliberately hurt each other some times because they’re still learning and sometimes they irritate each other. I disagree! I would expect this behaviour to be gone after nursery.

The head does not want to know about anything. When she took over, last year she didn’t even do a handover speech.

One time, during written communication, I pushed back and said that other children in the class had seen my dd being targeted and had reported it to their parents who told me. The teacher apparently spoke to the bullies that day, who admitted to her that they had deliberately hurt my dd. They were made to write letters of apology, which we still have.

Anyway, this is still going on and I’ve just about had enough. It’s frustrating because my dd has done really well academically this year and she’s very bright. She was so happy last year. Yesterday, dd said that one of the bullies pushed her again in the line. The teachers response was to say to the bully ‘Look at G’s face and tell her you’re sorry’.

This is not working. The children think they can just carry on this behaviour. Another mum told me that last year, three of the girls managed to cut their own hair without the teacher noticing and went home with wonky hair.

Now, in September the bullies are going up into the next class and my dd will be with her peer group and the year below for a year. But then next year we will be back to square 1.

What would you do at this point?

Most are. Some use another set up but same standards.

If you want to keep her there because there aren't great alternatives - and she will be separated from the bullies next year - then I wouldn't take her out now, I'd leave her for another year as there's not long left. But keep complaining if things continue to happen this year.

In two years time when she's older, the bullies are older and they all have a different teacher things may be different. Will there be two mixed classes or just one? If two you can ask for her to be separated from the bullies. If she has problems in two years time still, then tell the school you will be removing your daughter if it is not dealt with - surely they can't afford to keep losing kids because of these bullies.

If they pinch, your daughter punches back hard.

That is the ONLY thing that works with bullies. Anyone who says otherwise is a purveyor of middle class nonsense.

Ny dad used to make me practice on him when I was little. I endured months of misery and the one day I hit back harder was the last day I ever suffered. This was 40 years ago and the teachers actually told my parents there was nothing they could do, I needed to retaliate to get the kids to stop.,

You’ll need to square it off with the teachers so your little one isn’t in trouble though.

I'd say at that age, falling outs, name calling, "your not my best friend anymore" is common and normal, occasional deliberate bumping in to each other maybe. But not what you are describing.

I'd take it further.

You have just given a very relevant piece of information. Took my boys out of school because one of the teachers children had a terrible attitude which he got away with.
Move her.

I'd move schools, I wouldn't pay for her to be miserable.

You can support academics at home if the state school is weaker. But you can't erase the pain of being bullied, and the potential consequences on her confidence and self esteem.

Do you have good state schools in your area? At your daughter's age, I would prioritise being happy at school over academics and her school sounds awful (I have a reception age child in state school and this behaviour would be taken incredibly seriously).

If you are worried about academics, pay for a tutor or do extra work at home. If she continues as she is you risk her associating learning with being bullied and this could affect her whole school career.

I would say to the school that currently your DD is being hurt at school and they are not taking it seriously enough or doing anything about it. Kick up a fuss until they take action and if they don't, take her out of that school.

You need to remove her asap.

The inspecting body is ISI. It wouldn't surprise me to find their most recent report mentions problems.

Have you looked at their accounts? Do so!

I would be in that school daily wanting to speak to the headteacher teacher and class teacher. I would want meetings with the parents of the bullies and I would absolutely make it clear that it is to stop. It is not normal behaviour for 7 or 8 year olds to pinch. That’s what 2 and 3 year olds do.

Put your foot down and demand action is taken or go to Ofsted and report it. Good luck x

You mentioned other parents complaining about the same child bullying their children. When dd was bullied and the head ignored our complaints we compiled a file of emails from us complaining and got copies of emails from all the other parents who had complained, forcing the school to deal with the bully. document every incident in a clear timeline with how the school failed to deal with it. They don’t want it to affect their Ofsted so if working with the other parents doesn’t help, say you will send the file to Ofsted. If that doesn’t work then do it. Are there governors? They should get a copy.

The head sounds totally inept so force her to act to protect your child by involving governors/Ofsted etc.

it’s a horrible thing to go through. The bully has driven one family out, don’t let them drive you out too.

Ask to see the safeguarding lead. If the head is the safeguarding lead, ask to see the board of trustees / governors. If you suspect this will lead to you being bullied, it's time to leave.

Move schools

If you know other parents whose children are having similar issues I wonder if it would be worth getting together and contacting the charity that is giving the school funding? Or at least informing the school that is what you all plan to do if they continue to minimise the problem.

I am so upset because I just feel like I’ve been gaslit this whole time. Every complaint is minimised.

The problem I have is that if I make a formal complaint while my daughter still has to attend the school for a term then that will surely impact her for that time? Should I make a complaint, give a terms notice and then not send her back in September?

In the current Reception year is an autistic boy who hits. His mum told me that the reception teacher has been very good at reducing this behaviour but I do wonder what will happen when he’s in the same class as my dd.

I probably will home educate for a while at least. I have the means to do this and there is a big HE community where we live.

I have had a whole academic year of school refusal basically. It has got to the point that I dread mornings because I know she won’t want to go to school. Last year, she was so happy. She would say ‘I love my school mummy, thank you for finding the perfect school for me’. It breaks my heart how they have let her down.

The school say that she’s fine once in school. Which she probably is because she’s very motivated by learning. But another child said that she was always asking to go home.

I wouldn’t be too scared of state school. The work is a bit too easy for both of mine but they are happy and feel safe, which I’m happy with.

I think state school will be too big and overwhelming for her.

That is appalling and no it’s not normal behaviour. I have a DD also in her second year of primary school and this type of behaviour would not be tolerated at all. It doesn’t matter how good the school is academically if your child is unhappy it will eventually affect her down the line and it will prevent her flourishing. Definitely look for another school

Raising a concern about a school :: Independent Schools Inspectorate https://share.google/1ZhibYau8LR6TMdxm

It's a private school.

If your daughter has dealt with the absolute rubbish she’s been handed at school. It’s not the people that are bullying her. It’s the people that she tells about the bullying and they do nothing. if she’s dealt with all of that she can handle an ordinary mainstream school and she will thrive.

Dear god the school sounds absolutely dreadful. How can any state school possibly be worse? She has no friends or even potential friends because she’s the only girl in the class, and older girls bully her.

This kind of behaviour absolutely wouldn’t be tolerated in DS’s school (because occasional far lower-level stuff has happened - pushing in line etc - and it has been stamped on). The work is streamed, so nobody finds it “too easy”. There is plenty of sport and enrichment (music, dance, art, trips).

Actually, that’s a very reasonable point. We’ve never even tried state school - if the rules and boundaries are better then she probably would feel safe there wouldn’t she? Although she is autistic, she is actually very sociable and she makes friends easily and has no problem chatting to kids she doesn’t know.

I think I am afraid of another placement going wrong and the damage that could do for her.

A friend of hers from nursery is currently being home educated after his parents tried two prep schools and a state school and didn’t find any of them to be a good fit. He’s thriving and you can see that’s working for him. They use a combination of tutors and resources.

If you have the means too I would home educate. Our state system is just not set up for kids who are academically bright but neuro diverse.
I have a dd who just about got through state primary as academically bright but also autistic she fell apart at MS secondary and we were forced to home educate. We use a mix of tutors in person, plus online learning she’s thriving and taking gcses early. Do look at the “home education for all group” HEFA on face book lots of information.

Thank you @hotSunnnyWeather

Home educating has become very popular where I live and there is even a forest school that runs sessions for autistic girls.

You’ve said that your daughter makes friends easily, that will be a source of joy for her so I wouldn’t consider homeschooling that would deny her one of those great pleasures of school, the making of those friendships that last a lifetime. why not just visit your local state school or a couple of them, not with your daughter just to see for yourself. And reassure yourself on their policies on bullying and on stretching academically able children.