If you have been Bullied what did you learn?

[TinselQueen]

After I was out of the bullying situation and had time to reflect I learned :

To trust my gut . If someone feels off they usually are.

To grey rock and avoid eye contact.

To nip it in the bud straight away , people will do to you what they think they can get away with .

In some cases kill them with kindness . It's hard to be mean to someone who is being nice to you , especially in front of others .

Some bullying esp in the workplace is actually a deflection, by putting attention on you it detracts from them.

In the case of some workplace bullies it's just best to cut your losses and move on . Some people are in so thick with management you will never win and they have done a character assassination on you anyway .

The most important thing to remember is if it wasn't you it would be someone else . The problem lies with the bully . Never blame yourself or think you have something wrong with you .

A bully relies on silence . Speak up always .

Mine is at work and I've learnt that you cannot win some people over no matter how much people pleasing you do.

Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

Let people know that you've removed yourself but you don't need to say why. A simple "I've decided not to work on that project with X anymore" is enough to get people wondering without having to accuse people outright.

Bullies are also cowards. They are in roughly the same category as the shit on your shoe.

I also learned to never tell others I have been bullied. I made that mistake and the person I confided in tried it with me . They were soon put in their place .

This is very good advice

Gosh all of what you say in your post is so true OP.

i would also say the most important thing is get your self respect back - I’ll explain more below -

I was bullied horrendously and humiliated in school. When I left and 17 I happened to develop a crush on a lad from a rough council estate and I changed completely. I went from a fat girl to one with a normal weight and nice figure due to diet and exercise. I also developed a much more tough - no nonsense approach and was much more outspoken if I didn’t like someone.

Also after I’d left school I was stand offish if I saw people from my old school out and about - even if they weren’t involved in the bullying or were actually quite nice. I did feel a bit bad about this as there was one nice girl who I was distant and unfriendly with BUT I do think if one has been bullied severely building self respect is the most important thing

I learned how to pretend to be someone else to avoid being targeted.

I’m like yourself after being bullied at school and work, they are cowards. I won’t tolerate ANYONE now who try to subject me to this behaviour, and that includes my sister in law. After many years of not speaking to the vile woman she wants to make peace. I’ve explained to my lovely hubby that it isn’t going to happen, she’s a vile person and I don’t need drains in my life, just radiators 🤗

I've learnt to presume that people will turn on me at some point so I jump before I'm pushed. It's over 45 years since I was bullied during my first year at secondary school and I have missed many opportunities for lasting friendships because of this.

So true

I learnt that sometimes violence is the only language a bully understands. I was bullied quite a bit by different people in secondary school, one did something to me one day which just made me see red and I slapped her really hard and then punched her in the stomach. She never bothered me again. Another girl made me cry in class and I stood up to leave the class in embarrassment, as I passed her I walloped her on the head with my text book. She also never really bothered me again. I guess the lesson should have been that if you really stand up to a bully they will probably stop, but I was a teenager who had seen some violence at home, so that was what I went with.

I think you summed it all up really well in your first post @TinselQueen !

That it is your fault you are asking for it you like the attention and if you fight back you are the one that is punished

If we're talking bullies of school age, violence is almost always the answer. You can tell a million teachers, they can be given countless detentions and periods in isolation but the only thing that will decisively put a stop to is to hurt them more that they're willing to hurt you. If you can't do it, get an older sibling or a friend to warn them off and/or give them a pasting. It took me many years to learn that lesson and only 2 beatings delivered to stop 4 years of bullying.

In a workplace, you need to either be untouchable and never get involved in anything or say anything about anyone or you have to be equally aggressive. Gather solid proof of the bullying dated and with times and witnesses. If you're going to address it with the bully directly, do it in front of multiple people or in writing. Do not make multiple attempts to address it. Once only. Then it goes straight into formal grievance proceedings. Never sign anything you don't agree with. If they force you, you write 'signed under duress, I do not agree with this' above your signature so it cannot be torn off. I did that and the document wasn't allowed to be used in a disciplinary. I didn't do it and was forced to sign a piece of paper saying I did.

Oversharing gives people ammo. Anyone is capable of it, just needs the right environment or circumstances.

What did I learn? Once a bully, always a bully.

I can spot them a mile off. If someone was like that as a child, they continue into adulthood, but just change their methodology.

I stupidly didn’t listen to my gut and got sucked in up to my neck with the office bully. The bully mistakes kindness for weakness. This bully has dreadful parents that left her with a severe personality disorder that I doubt can be treated. I’ve learned you need to set firm boundaries and not to be afraid to say “no” and stick to it. You’re no better thought of for complying to keep the peace and it never keeps the peace because they push more and more. Nowadays if I don’t want to go somewhere or see someone I don’t go. If I get an invite and it doesn’t feel right I decline. Taken me years and years but that’s what I do now. I won’t be worked on or persuaded. My no means no x

100 per cent

Get out. Bullying has a tremendous effect on your mental health and it's not worth dealing with it. If it's a friend, colleague or family member do what you can to get as far away as you can.

People are weak. Don't expect others to help, do expect them to join in.

You don't have to answer this as it's just my curiosity - but what did the council estate lad have to do with your changed attitude/self? Sorry if I'm making a link that's not there

That the people you often thought would have your back, won’t. Equally, others will surprise you in a positive way.

Omg AMEN!!!

100 x Times !

Just more confident than me in doing what he wanted in life, basically

Deffo

Mine was at school, so a very long time ago but I've never forgotten it. I suppose what I learned is that bullies don't change, they'll still try to manipulate in other ways when their original tactics no longer work. So, in my case, I met my bully as a woman years later in a her workplace. I was a patient, she is a nurse in a hospital.

She knew me, and said quite a few things which were lies. I suppose it's what they call gaslighting these days. She clearly felt awkward, but I had no desire to make her feel better.

I didn't learn anything from it, but I hope she has. I'd happily name and shame her on here, and her workplace, just because it still stings and I'd like her to suffer. I won't though.

If I can avoid the bully and move on, then do so. If I have to confront the bully, go all in and make it clear that there's a price to pay.