If you have been Bullied what did you learn?

[TinselQueen]

After I was out of the bullying situation and had time to reflect I learned :

To trust my gut . If someone feels off they usually are.

To grey rock and avoid eye contact.

To nip it in the bud straight away , people will do to you what they think they can get away with .

In some cases kill them with kindness . It's hard to be mean to someone who is being nice to you , especially in front of others .

Some bullying esp in the workplace is actually a deflection, by putting attention on you it detracts from them.

In the case of some workplace bullies it's just best to cut your losses and move on . Some people are in so thick with management you will never win and they have done a character assassination on you anyway .

The most important thing to remember is if it wasn't you it would be someone else . The problem lies with the bully . Never blame yourself or think you have something wrong with you .

A bully relies on silence . Speak up always .

Do they see sharing your experience as a weakness? Are they sheep and follow like everyone else?

To get on with myself and not give them any headspace

I feel this … sorry it happened to you too.

I have been bullied as an adult. The main thing I learned was that the bullying had absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the bully. As soon as I went for help, the bullying stopped. My only regret was not seeking help sooner.

I was bullied as a child in the 70s - although it wasn't called bullying then - for being clever, wearing glasses and my mother teaching at the same school. Nobody did anything about it, neither the school or my parents. It was just seen as part of growing up. Primary school was just about bearable but high school was hell until I got rid of these people after year 2.

I see these people now and I just think "Who the fuck did you think you were?" Most have amounted to very little.

That I’m probably autistic.

They are hurting inside and I ignore it and tell them I know what they are going through

Bullied around age 12-14. I learnt I could run a lot faster than most people

Similar to other people:

Some people will just never like you and it's not your fault

I used to feel bad for having bad vibes about someone, but it doesn't happen often and it's always got a reason

Always respond the opposite way to what they want - ignore them or minimise reaction when they want a response, talk back to them/call them out when they're trying to humiliate you or make you feel uncomfortable

And 100% this

That being nice and and supplicating will make them despise you even more. They won’t think “oh actually she’s a nice person, I’ll leave her be” they will see you as weak and the bullying will
intensify.

In the early stages, when you sense some toxicity, mirror their behaviour right back at them. Sharp tone, make yours abrupt too. Dismissive attitude, show annoyed confusion at their attitude. Challenge them “are you ok? You seem stressed/angry…”.

Also I think that especially in young people bullying becomes habitual if it continues over a lengthy period, they grow to enjoy it, it livens up boring school days, it’s stimulating, and that why they find it so hard to stop doing it. Even though they know it will cost them punishment etc, it has become ingrained and they cannot stop themselves. At DD’s school, even the very earliest stages of bullying was stamped on - calls home to parents immediately, threats of exclusion etc. It’s essential to jump on it immediately even if your child begs you not to. Do not let it become ingrained.

Yes I agree with most of the new comments Absolutely nip it in the bud .

That they're cowards if you catch them on their own.

I was never bullied at school but I was in my first job and it was a huge shock. She was old enough to be my mum, a complete cunt and I still hate her passionately 40 odd years later.

As a result I can spot these people a mile off and I just don’t engage with them. Twice I’ve left jobs after a couple of months when it’s been transparent it would happen again and I couldn’t be arsed with their nonsense.

Agree with @Sequinsoneverythingplease that matching their shitty energy from the outset is the best way to make them realise you’re not going to tolerate them.

I learnt that it definitely is me not them, as I went to a lot of different schools and was bullied at all of them. I learnt that bullying is often a reaction to someone breaking social norms, you're always breaking norms in a new place, and I am ugly and shy which made it worse. Anyone can be a bully they are not rare cowardly nasty people, they are most people and it can come out after any length of time, sometimes just because they have another friend now and don't need you as a crutch anymore. That taught me not to trust anyone, and I lost the ability to make friendships. I guess it did teach me to rely on myself though, I've never felt I need a friend with me to do anything or go anywhere, I'm safer alone.

I’ve had some pretty awful bullying as an adult. It’s not taught me anything apart from, boundaries and trust no one.

And that school mum who is seemingly sweet natured but desperately wants to befriend you.
She wants your child and hers to be best friends is a complete closet narcissist who will lovebomb you, force their way into your house, life and finances and when you finally wake up to their tactics and refuse they’ll attempt to destroy you, your reputation and target your child.

Trust your instincts.

Later in life we had a bullying HT at the school I worked in. Nobody stood up to her ridiculous ideas and demands apart from me. They all moaned but did nothing. I was being treated as a free supply teacher so complained to the union. She had to apologise to me and never bothered me again.

However being bullied as an adult is very different to being bullied as a child.

Yes be very wary of people being over friendly too quick, especially people who previously have overlooked you . It’s usually because they want something from you .

Im Assuming this was a work environment ? As soon as it starts to become a pattern go above their heads and report it as a concern that could have consequences for the management because you are willing to take it to head office . They will soon sort it out . Outside of the workplace show no reaction and never make eye contact . One finger on you then they get reported for assault.

I learned that bullies are also consummate liars and highly manipulative. If you complain to someone in authority, it is likely that you won't be believed.

That is why it is important to try and nip it in the bud . I learnt the worse thing was to try and fight it myself and let my pride prevent me from reporting it because I felt it made me look weak. The more they got away with it the more confident the bully became. People will do to you what they think they can get away with . If others around the bully see them get away with it they will try it on you too .

Don’t be so sure, my sister in law and myself have been bullied whilst working for local government, it’s rife. Have a guess what, nothing happened to the bullies, 3 people prior to myself reported the bitch we worked for and fuck all happened, I left.

My sister in law had similar, she was told that they were concerned she wasn’t doing her job efficiently, put her on garden leave for 4 months on full pay whilst they paid a consultant to check her work. She’d been doing the job for 25 years and was bloody good at it. The consultant found no issues and she was reinstated without any apology!

As she wanted to kick up a stink she was asked what it would take not to do this. At 55 she said full pension, and she’d leave, they agreed 😲. They did the same to her husband, he got a redundancy payment as well as full pension, and we wonder why local councils struggle financially, they’re a joke!

Yes it was at work. As soon as I reported this person, it stopped and this person got moved to another branch with immediate effect. It was a Manager as well which made it worse. I was scared of not being believed. But luckily I was believed. I recorded him on my phone without him knowing.

You had cast iron evidence.