Son bullied by nursery staff?

[April1982]

Hi,
my Ds 3 years old in September is attending a nursery since January, he is bilingual but he struggles with English as at home we talk only 20% in English, I am adding this as this might be one of his frustration triggers. For the last 2-3 months we have been filling forms at the end of each day, his key person saying that he hit one of his friends, he pushed them. I told his key person that he is not doing this at home or at playgrounds so I have asked what exactly she thinks that triggers this, I am not there so how can I know what triggers this behaviour. Everyday when I pick him up I am told that he has been hitting and pushing, that he had an accident (we are doing potty training at the moment) and he should come at the nursery without nappy when he is fully trained. He only had 2 accidents in 7 days at home. So every day I am told how bad my son is, nothing positive. Today I was called and I was told that he has bitten another child and I have asked should I come and pick him up? They said no, then what is the purpose of the call? Isn’t it enough if they inform me when I go and pick him up, what can I do from work to help him while he was biting? I was expecting that the nursery will work together with the parents of the child is struggling there. At the moment I am only thinking that this is bully as we are same sex parents and immigrants. Any experiences?
thank you

It doesn't sound to me like he is being bullied by the staff, sounds more like they are struggling with his behaviour. If he is hurting other children then of course they need to make you aware.

Yep. Have you asked your son why he is hitting and biting other children?

You'll always be told about hitting, biting and toileting accidents - you need to know that stuff.

What are they saying about it? Is it age appropriate stuff, they'll all lash out occasionally at that age, or is it something more?

Maybe ask for a meeting and ask them what they're doing.

I have a 3yo who, shall we say, doesn't always use her listening ears. The staff tell us at pick up, as much so we can say "Oh no DD, we always need to use our listening ears don't we?" and back up the staff so she sees we're all on the same page. Once she's gone off to play, the staff laugh with us and are clear it's just her age - but they don't learn unless you teach them!

It's not bullying they are just telling you what is happening at nursery. He doesn't do it at home because the situation is different. You could ask for a meeting and talk to staff about how to work together to stop him hurting other children.

Of course they aren't bullying him. Your child has some behavioural issues and they are making you aware of them.

Your child can't speak the language - you should have taught 50/50 or 100% of one then move to the other language.

Your child is acting out, because they cannot understand what is being said. That is the only way that your child can communicate - physically and emotionally, not verbally.

I missed the party where your son is being bullied?

They have to tell you those things. I would maybe ask for a meeting so you can work together on strategies to support him, I think you are correct that some of it will come from frustration around language so your plan to support him with that is a good idea.

With potty training, nursery is very different to home, it is normal for them to have more accidents but again I would want to ask them what they are doing to support him/you with this.

At my son's nursery the ones who bite and hit do seem to be the ones who are less able to communicate, as they get more frustrated. This includes some of the bilingual children as they tend to be slower to speak fluently. The staff do need to tell you about it (as they also do to all the other parents whose children do this) but I'd expect them to also be anticipating it and keeping a close eye on disputes over toys, building frustration etc.

Regarding the toilet training, it sounds like your nursery is less helpful than mine, who are willing to work with whatever method parents are using, but they do always tell us if there are any accidents and hand over the wet clothes. Children do have more accidents at nursery as they get too absorbed in play, but it may also be that you are prompting your child to go at home and he's not yet ready to say he needs to go, especially if he's not confident communicating in English, so perhaps nursery are suggesting he's not ready to be dry when he's there.

From what you have written you are being ridiculous, the staff are advising you of issues they are having, would you rather not know, therefore be unable to work with the nursery on resolving it?

That’s not bullying they are informing you about his behaviour. Your son is the one acting out towards other children. I bet you would feel different if he was the one being hit / bit.

Hes had 2 accidents in 7 days at home so its likely that he is having some accidents at nursery as it’s a different environment and theres multiple other children.

If he is bilingual why don’t you speak more English at home then he will be more confident in talking at nursery?

We had a nursery worker who only said negative things about DS. He had just turned 3 and every pick up was stuff like he can't do his shoes yet, he can't hang his coat up, he doesn't listen in art time. and DS was a kid who never hit or disrupt. In the end I moved nursery. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

It's not the fact they're telling you bad things, it's the fact they can't say anything positive about him at all.

They have to tell you about poor behaviour and toilet accidents and from what you’ve said it sounds like they’re struggling to manage his behaviour and keep the other children safe. Nothing you’ve said suggests they’re bullying him. Poor communication skills could very well explain the frustration and physical lashing out. If your DS doesn’t speak English it doesn’t sound like you’re actually a bilingual house, unless you mean it’s 2 languages that are not English. He needs to be able to talk to his peers and staff at nursery so I would focus on that as a means to help him, or look for a bilingual programme in whatever language(s) he speaks at home.

He needs to be speaking more than 20% English at home. He's obviously frustrated because he can't communicate fully. His behaviour is unacceptable, and the nursery have a duty of care to tell you.

It sounds like they're informing you of factual things that have happened. Why do you think this is bullying?

Do you think they're lying? Do you ask your son what happened?

They aren't bullying him, they're just making you aware of his behavioural issues. Also, as your son is in an English nursery, don't you think it would be better for him to learn more English so he doesn't get frustrated with the language barrier? I'm not saying he shouldn't speak your language also, just that maybe him not understanding more English is probably what's causing his behaviour issues

@April1982 Please ignore the people saying to use more English at home. That isn't required (or a good idea if you want him to retain your home language). Your son will pick English up fine at nursery. However, it might be that some of his frustration is due to not being able to communicate clearly. It doesn't sound like the staff are bullying him, but you (and they) have to be clear about expectations and that his behaviour is not OK. Hopefully, the situation will get better as he is better able to communicate.

FWIW more than half my DS's nursery and reception classes were in this position. It was fine after a few months.

More than half the class were hitting and biting other DCs every day? Where the heck was this nursery?!

I think the posters saying to use more English at home just don't really understand about children growing up bilingual. OP's child is not even three yet and there are many two-year-olds who don't communicate that well even without speaking another language at home. He'll catch up, probably quite soon, if he's hearing lots of English at nursery. He certainly won't be the only child who hits and pushes, either.

Op could you look for a nanny or childminder who speaks your language? I do feel for your DC, he must be very frustrated. My DC had the same sort of behaviourial issues at that age, the nursery were concerned. DC was later diagnosed with ASD and we realised the behaviour was due to communication difficulties.

No. More than half the class did not speak English on starting nursery/school and spoke no English at home. Many of them did go through a phase of hitting and biting but it soon settled down with decent teaching as the children learned to communicate in another way.

The recommendation for bilingual children is not that the parents should swap to English at home. In DS's school, many couldn't have done that anyway.

Or maybe more than half were bilingual and picked up better English quickly not half were hitting and biting.

With kindness, this isnt bullying. This is a little boy who’s expressing frustration as he doesn’t understand the language his carers are using in Nursery.
Hopefully in time he will settle down and the incidents will become fewer and fewer.

I’m of Indian origin. Most Indian kids are bilingual / trilingual before preschool but you rarely see the bad behaviour even when they don’t speak english as they tend to be really well socialised (sometimes too much!).

imo potty training is an essential part of socialisation but UK preschools / nurseries aren’t good at it so you should take charge of this yourself and tell them the plan. With DS I began early and told nursery there would be no more nappies when he was reliably telling them he needed to go (if they ignored him the resulting mess was on them).

You also need to sit down with your ds and ‘teach him’ empathy - this is done by taking turns, encouraging him to share with you (and siblings if he has any), and taking away negative attention for bad behaviour, and working with the nursery to make a plan of the things you will do together at home and at preschool to improve his behaviour.

I’d also suggest writing down the words he can reliably say (and their meanings in english) for his nursery’s benefit. But yes you do absolutely need to encourage some english at home - even if it’s just through watching tv.