Son bullied by nursery staff?

[April1982]

Hi,
my Ds 3 years old in September is attending a nursery since January, he is bilingual but he struggles with English as at home we talk only 20% in English, I am adding this as this might be one of his frustration triggers. For the last 2-3 months we have been filling forms at the end of each day, his key person saying that he hit one of his friends, he pushed them. I told his key person that he is not doing this at home or at playgrounds so I have asked what exactly she thinks that triggers this, I am not there so how can I know what triggers this behaviour. Everyday when I pick him up I am told that he has been hitting and pushing, that he had an accident (we are doing potty training at the moment) and he should come at the nursery without nappy when he is fully trained. He only had 2 accidents in 7 days at home. So every day I am told how bad my son is, nothing positive. Today I was called and I was told that he has bitten another child and I have asked should I come and pick him up? They said no, then what is the purpose of the call? Isn’t it enough if they inform me when I go and pick him up, what can I do from work to help him while he was biting? I was expecting that the nursery will work together with the parents of the child is struggling there. At the moment I am only thinking that this is bully as we are same sex parents and immigrants. Any experiences?
thank you

This. Those telling you to speak more English are wrong, and poorly informed re language development in children. Keep speaking his home language.
But do organise a meeting with nursery as they arent bullying him, they are flagging sn issue that you need to work together to help him with.

i have asked the nursery what we can do together so that we will avoid hitting and biting. They only came with the solution to use cards- red(sad) and green (happy) when he is doing something bad or good. Apart of this they don’t know they only keep reporting what he is doing which yes I am fine but I cannot be told every day and they cannot help with anything, only the cards which I don’t believe a toddler at his age can relate to emotions yet.
for the last 3weeks we have started to talk in English so that we can help him while he is at nursery and few days ago he came back saying “go to your corner”. When I asked him who told you this he said the name of his key person.

He said he is copying a girl that is doing this

Do you genuinely not understand why they have to ring you when he has bitten another child? It is because when they tell the other child's parents their child has been bitten, they need to assure them the biter's parents have been made aware so they can deal with it...which is what you need to do. He is hurting other children, and you seem pretty shruggy about that.

It may or may not have anything to do with language tbh, some children just do hit and bite at that age. Do you have friends with similar aged children? If so I would arrange lots of playdates and work on his social skills.

That’s bollocks.

They haven’t been able to come with a plan when I have asked them for a plan to work together, they only suggested to start using cards for emotions

@April1982 they definitely can learn about emotions at this age. My DS's nursery read this book with all of the 2-3 aged children and talked about emotions a lot, relating them to facial expressions and practising in the mirror: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Colour-Monster-Anna-Llenas/dp/1783704233

But your nursery does sound a bit shit. By contrast, at DS's nursery, he has a little friend who is trilingual and had similar issues to your DS. The staff did report all incidents to the parents, but they were also proactive in managing the children's interactions (especially one little boy who was a particular trigger for frustration), made sure they were supervising, and would take the child to the office for some quiet time (NOT send him to the corner!) when he needed to calm down. He had a sudden leap in communication skills and can still get a bit handsy but far less frequently than before.

If you’re not happy with the nursery move him to another or consider a childminder. Whilst they are totally reasonable about informing you each time he as hurt another child they do sound a bit rubbish in that they seem to have told him to stand in a corner? But I also think your expecting too much of them, you’re the one who needs to work on his behaviour. Use the cards the nursery have suggested and look into other methods too. We did a lot of showing what gentle means, demonstrating what kind hands are, there’s loads of methods online.

My son (who is still under 2) started pushing other children several times a week. In his case he was struggling to share toys and he still babbles more than he talks so we thought it might be partly frustration with communicating. I started getting worried because it was mentioned so often maybe it wasn't normal but after a few weeks of it going on they started an "ABC" observation chart for him (antecedent, behaviour, consequence e.g. antecedent - another child has a toy he wants, behaviour - he snatches the toy from them, consequence was that his key worker intervened - reiterated that he should use his kind hands and would distract him with a similar toy). They have now been able to identify possible "triggers" and after a couple of weeks are managing to prevent him from pushing or snatching. They tell me each day if they've had to/managed to prevent an incident or if he's been fine that day. We've found it helpful, I don't know if your nursery would be willing to do something similar?

My son has been reminded of 'kind hands' at nursery as he has been frustrated with the other children - he's 2 and a half. Doesn't push or kick at home but has done at nursery (just a couple incidents since he started). He has only been going 2-3 months so he's just finding out what is and isn't acceptable. Nursery is a completely different environment than home and children will understandably get frustrated with each other, as they are all learning how to behave. I am grateful for the staff for informing me when my son has done these things and grateful to them for teaching him it's wrong (as at home there aren't any small children, other than toddler group, and he's never done it there). It doesn't sound like they are picking on your son.

Well, I am bilingual, so I feel I can comment.

At the outset, I don't know why OP is only speaking 20% of English to the child. I agree that it should be 50%/50% or even 100% English.

1.I was born abroad to non-English speaking parents. However, my Dad was very academic and learnt the Queen's English and worked for English bosses. Dad enjoyed speaking to me in English before pre-school. He loved the language- I too have always loved English. The rest of teh family spoke in my native language.
2.When I started school, somethings like A-Z were taught to me by dad in English. So I recall translating letters from English to the native language.
3.As I said, I loved literature. Shakespeare etc etc.
4.Well, I am a barrister in London and, one needs to understand English properly to practise as a barrister (it is a self-employed gig and 99% of clients are English). I thank my dad for ensuring I learnt both languages equally and it was up to me what profession I wanted to work in and not be burdened by language.

OP, you live in England. This is why you should speak to your son in English 50/50 or even 100%. As you can see, language impediment is already causing him issues in his very young life. Why would a parent want that for their child? If you cannot help with English, you need to buy in help- English audio books/ cartoons etc etc, so he can freely pick up the language himself. Children learn fast and he just needs encouragement from his parents. I am grateful to my dad for helping me discover and fall in love with this language. And I have now lived here since I was 27 yo and have a successful career.

Another point: yes it costs money for stuff being translated into millions of languages in this country too. The NHS apparently is burdened by the interpreters' bills. So all good reasons for all of us who live here to speak the language as soon as possible.

Well, may i assist by adding English? Any comment please? I think the staff are too scared to say that to you seeing you are already accusing them of bullying!

Do t be so silly.

He needs to learn English

I am Spanish, my mum is English, and I grew up in Spain and I spoke only English until I was 3. As I was going to pre-school at 4 I needed Spanish and so in that year my parents started teaching me Spanish. I remember not knowing how to say certain phrases, but it passed quickly as children absorb languages like sponges. Languagewise he will be fine, but his behaviour needs to be addressed and I suspect, from your answers, that your nursery is a bit meh.

FFS people, he's only two! It sounds like he's slightly slower to speak (lots of) English than monolingual kids, but there are plenty of younger 2-year-olds in my DS's nursery who can't say much either and are being looked after in the same room. And it's pretty likely he understands a lot more than he currently says.

It feels like a lot of people are just jumping on the bilingual thing and using it to browbeat OP with when, as @Katiesaidthat points out, the nursery doesn't sound like it is doing much to help with the behaviour. And for those saying 'that's the parents' job' - yes, of course it is, but with the help of childcare professionals who ought to know what they're doing and to have seen similar behaviours many times before.

The only bullying I can notice is your son to other children in the nursery. You are aware that your child isn't the only ones whose needs are expected to be met?

It is your job to parent, including potty training. If you expect one on one care than you need to hire an au pair.

The English language barrier is going to become a huge issue at school as he gets older. He needs a far better grasp of it or he will continue to have issues with communication.

And I really would advise against calling the staff potentially racist and homophobic bullies or I think you'll be given notice to go elsewhere.

You seem to lack empathy for his peers being bitten, pushed and attacked. Maybe if you show empathy and discipline your child rather than blaming the nursery, he may learn not to do it.

Please don't switch to English at home. Let him watch English TV where he will hear the correct pronunciation and accents, while keeping his bilingualism going. If you switch now, you'll regret it later. I'm speaking as the mother of a bilingual son.

Apart from that, the nursery are just informing you. That's completely normal. You need to speak to your son and keep on supporting the message that hitting is not allowed

Not at all. The thing is, at 2, the child is away from home (his comfort) in an English speaking environment (he might think 'where the hell am I with these strange pp'). It is a strange environment by all means.

Just try to make the English language a familiar environment to him. I am against screens but I would keep the telly or radio on 24/7 at home so he hears the language more prominently.

It is hard enough for a small child to be in nursery, let alone one where everything just feels alien to the little one. That's all I am saying.

The lack of understanding in how to bring up bilingual children on here is mind blowing! Keep speaking your mother tongue to him OP, the English he will pick up naturally in time.

Regarding the nursery I think they have to tell you these things. I wouldn't take it personally, my son was similar at that age (in nursery, not at home). Try and work with them.

Why don't you come up with a plan then?

I think I'm going to design a Mumsnet Nursery Thread bingo card - whenever anyone is even slightly unhappy with an aspect of their child's nursery, eventually someone will come along and suggest they hire a nanny instead!

Another item (hugely in evidence on this thread) is parents who think a biting or hitting toddler is a 'bully'. My child was never a biter or a hitter, but I've often picked up early from nursery and can confirm it's like the bloody Hunger Games in there. In the under-2s room, most of them did it. Staff would break off from talking to me if they saw three little girls 'a bit too close together' because they knew there'd be biting the next minute. In the 2-3 room, my DS tells me which children are 'kind friends' and which are 'not gentle'. I'd say the ratio is about 4:1. The 'not gentle friends' tend to be the younger ones who are less verbal, and the ones who are newer to the nursery. If managed effectively by the staff, they proactively prevent the behaviour happening in the first place a lot of the time, and give extra support to the ones who do it so they learn not to.

How is he being bullied by the staff?

Eh? This all seems entirely appropriate? All the things he should be doing at that age they are letting you know he is struggling?

They sound like they can't manage behaviour. They seriously can't give you ONE bit of advice or tell you a single thing about his behaviour? I'd be moving him.