Son bullied by nursery staff?

[April1982]

Hi,
my Ds 3 years old in September is attending a nursery since January, he is bilingual but he struggles with English as at home we talk only 20% in English, I am adding this as this might be one of his frustration triggers. For the last 2-3 months we have been filling forms at the end of each day, his key person saying that he hit one of his friends, he pushed them. I told his key person that he is not doing this at home or at playgrounds so I have asked what exactly she thinks that triggers this, I am not there so how can I know what triggers this behaviour. Everyday when I pick him up I am told that he has been hitting and pushing, that he had an accident (we are doing potty training at the moment) and he should come at the nursery without nappy when he is fully trained. He only had 2 accidents in 7 days at home. So every day I am told how bad my son is, nothing positive. Today I was called and I was told that he has bitten another child and I have asked should I come and pick him up? They said no, then what is the purpose of the call? Isn’t it enough if they inform me when I go and pick him up, what can I do from work to help him while he was biting? I was expecting that the nursery will work together with the parents of the child is struggling there. At the moment I am only thinking that this is bully as we are same sex parents and immigrants. Any experiences?
thank you

The nursery don't sound great, but they do absolutely have to tell you every time he pushes/bites/hits another child and if he has a toileting accident. It's just a normal, necessary part of home-nursery communication. However, it shouldn't be all you're hearing – you should also hear that he had a great time playing in the garden or was doing some lovely mark-marking or whatever.

They should be able to do more to support him, like the ABC process mentioned by a previous poster to try to figure out what's triggering it and therefore avoid the situation.

I'd ask them about the 'go to your corner' thing. If it turns out it's the cosy corner with cushions and books and he's going there with one of the staff for some calm-down time, great. If it's standing/sitting in a corner by himself, that's not appropriate.

Your child clearly has rough behaviour issues at the moment-No one wants their child to be hit, pushed or bitten.
Definitely need to stop this behaviour immediately-
He has to learn to share nicely.

At overseas camp sites few of the children spoke each other’s language but there was no pushing or biting!

You are way out of line, you son is not being bullied in the slightest. It sounds as though your son is struggling with a language barrier and is frustrated that the other children don't understand him so he lashes out. You live here in the UK and i assume your son will be educated here in mainstream school, if that is the case he needs to speak and understand English. How on earth do you expect him to learn in a English school? You need to sort this and soon. And you need to stop calling the staff bullies.

He has been bitten twice and the nursery hasn’t reported anything to us. We have noticed it at home. I am aware of the fact he is hurting others and I am not happy at all with this behaviour. We have asked him and he confirmed that he is trying to copy some of the things he sees there.

during play dates he is not acting like that at all that is why I find it very strange the way he acts at the nursery.

I am not expecting the nursery to do the potty training but I don’t believe it is fair to ask us to bring him with a nappy while at home he is no longer having any nappies. Nursery should cooperate with parents during potty training. If I am going to send him with a nappy to the nursery while at home he has not got, he will be confused.

He has been bitten but nursery hasn’t reported this to us, we only noticed at home.

How long has he been at the nursery and how many days a week? If he has little to no exposure of English elsewhere then it’s going to take time especially if you aren’t planning on changing things at home- no judgement there as we’re a bilingual house but I speak English to the kids and DH his native language so I’m aware it might work differently if you and DP share the same language.

I actually think the cards are a good idea. Also, could he have one with a picture of the toilet if he can’t/won’t ask staff to go he could show that?

Thanks. We will continue to talk to him in English because the time spent at the nursery is not enough to pick up the language. He is going to the nursery half day, three days per week so probably the time spent there is not enough.

Yeah, like I said in the follow up, it wasn't that she raised these things. It was that she never had anything nice or positive to say about him at all. It was all delivered in a severe, long suffering tone. I got the impression she didn't even like him.

Only after we left, talking to other parents, they all felt the same and several had complained. Relentless negativity from her. All other nursery staff I've had have been great. They tell you what needs to be communicated in appropriate tones, and talk about the children with affection, praising them or sharing any funny or nice anecdotes about their day as well.

I am bilingual with bilingual children, you don't need to switch to English at home, that's not how language development works. Maybe do some playing games like card matching games in English.
A few accidents in nursery while potty training is normal and most nurseries support with potty training.
Maybe this nursery isn't the right fit for you, you might want to consider moving him somewhere with smaller groups and more bilingual kids, or try and find a childminder instead who could give more attention.
It does sound like your DS has some issues with behaviour at nursery but nothing that sounds completely out of the ordinary for a 3 year old, nursery should be working with you on a plan on how to tackle this.

I bet it’s that. 3 half days isn’t much to pick
up a language that you don’t hear elsewhere. Could you up hours? And/or add classes and activities outside of nursery where you take him but obviously they’ll be in English? You could also do one parent one language, it’s popular and works for us, where one of you sticks exclusively to your native language whilst the other does English but I’m not an expert in this at all so that might be terrible advice. If you have an expat community they will no doubt have direct experience so if it’s an option I’d ask around.

I agree with you OP that two toileting accidents at nursery is not a problem at that age and a good nursery will support you with potty training.

I’m not sure about the other stuff. Maybe they could be putting in place more strategies to help him with his behaviour. However you have evidenced nothing that would suggest bullying and I don’t think it’s fair to label them racist and homophobic which is what you seem to be implying.

My DD went through a horrible biting/hitting phase at nursery between 2-3 years old. I think it was partly a communication/frustration issue, but It did also seem a little bit of a nursery issue. A lot of the children were doing it (she was the victim as much as the guilty party). We did work on it extensively at home though. We took the calls and "incident reports", strategised with the teachers, we talked about feelings, we talked about "hands are not for hitting, teeth are not for biting", we read the colour monster book about 1000 times and still read it now for emotions/tantrums. We moved her to a new nursery at 3, and it stopped overnight, which again I think is a combination of a better setting, and her growing up/communicating better. I don't think your nursery is bullying you/your child though. This is a very common issue for toddlers, but needs handled appropriately.

Have they said what they are doing to help your child as well as reprimanding him
and asked what you are doing at home to stop his poor behaviour

Op in a nursery setting there will be pushing, shoving, snatching and occasional hitting and biting. Do you notice your ds hitting and biting other kids outside of a nursery setting? If not, then just move him as it can be that maybe the nursery setting isn't a right fit.

As to speak more English at home, I don't agree with this as they will learn that in nursery and school but good for you if you can do both but there's a reason why it's called the mother tongue. My ds went into nursery without even knowing 20%English in September and by December he learnt a lot and the first word he learnt at nursery on the first day was "it's mine" but he was a serial snatcher and that's the only thing we've ever been pulled aside for to practice taking turns outside of nursery but they were pretty good at working with him which is why I'm suggesting you should look into other nurseries where they can manage this sort of thing. Some kids do hit and bite and even in nurseries where there is only English speaking kids and you will still get nurseries who can't manage this which is why people move their kids all the time. I've had friends who moved their kids because their behaviour declined so bad in nursery and at home that moving settings helped and the root cause was that the setting wasn't right fit for the child.

You know your child better than anyone else. You're the one who observes your child whether in a park or elsewhere and if he still hits and bites in those settings where you struggle, you should work with the nursery with this issue and tackle it instead of saying they are bullying him. If he's generally good at home and in other settings and he only struggles in this nursery, perhaps look at other nurseries or even a child minder.

He is displaying this behaviour only at the nursery. We have been with him to park and different playgrounds, meeting friends with children and he has not hitting or biting so definitely nursery triggers something.
We will change the nursery as I don’t believe this is a nursery for him.

No, it isn't. It's backed by research - unlike your bollocks comment.

I am also bilingual - hence why my comment and I appreciate you backing that up.

Thank you. It just does kids no favours whatsoever not to be fully exposed to the language of the country they live in and probably the kids plan to live in.

I still value and respect my own culture and tradition whilst immersed in the British culture and tradition (my husband is English) which I just respect and love and happens to be aligned with my own values. People think the kids will forget their roots- they will not. Holidays abroad if possible, someone speaking the native language enough to them, are all what the kids need.

My nieces also live abroad and go to English speaking private schools- since nursery- and we see no need to confine them to any language at home. That country's official language is English, so maybe why we don't have hang ups. Now they want to go to Uni either in UK, or other countries.

The official language was a different colonial language (imposed despite resistance and bloodshed), during my time, but my parents chose to send me to a private school which was allowed to elect their medium of instruction and they chose English.

This makes me sad. If your son is behaving this way at nursery and not elsewhere then it sounds as if the nursery aren't meeting his needs. Behaviour is communication.

Same sex parent of bilingual children here, OP. I don’t want to dog pile on you with all the people who are telling you that your child isn’t being bullied, I just wanted to point out: at home and at the playground, your son has someone who understands everything he’s saying. Chances are, he was going to struggle with frustration at nursery no matter what, because he’s used to being understood and now he isn’t. His baseline at nursery is going to be more stressed and prone to lashing out at his peers.

it does sound like they’re getting exasperated with him - calling you instead of giving you an incident report on pick up. It might be time for a calm meeting where you make them establish exactly what their procedures are for this, and then hold them to it. You can also come in with some suggestions that can be implemented at home and at nursery - maybe a communication board with pictures he can point to. Maybe drilling him on saying “stop” and walking away when he doesn’t like someone’s behaviour.

He is probably confused and unable to articulate his needs so lashing out, he needs to be able to understand and be understood by his peers, was he born in the UK? I'm glad you're finally supporting English at home, which may start to help with some of the behaviours he is displaying at nursery. Maybe start with basic toileting words, if he's having more accidents at nursery? They have a duty to tell you when your child has been violent, many ask them more about it, is it in certain scenarios, is it frustration or anger, etc. they are not bullying your child, but it sounds like you could do with more of an understanding of when this happens

I thought you were going to say your son was being hit and called names. But he is the one hitting other children!

He isn't being bullied - he's bullying other children and they have to tell you.

He doesn't speak English well enough to communicate that he needs the toilet or with other children. That's why he's having accidents and hitting children. You need to speak English more at home. What will happen when he goes to school.

You've already decided they don't like you or your son because you're gay and not from the UK. You're already "that" parent.

Where did op say she is gay? Must have missed it.

op needs to address the kid’s issues and support the kid together with the nursery and not look for things which aren’t directly linked to the kid’s environment when he is at nursery lashing out.

At the moment I am only thinking that this is bully as we are same sex parents and immigrants.

Last paragraph of her first post...

Thank you. Son is not being bullied.

As pointed out in black and white, at home and playground when op is there, the son knows he is understood and he can understand. At nursery, that’s not the case hence the lashing out. I don’t need to be an early child developmental expert to work this out!

op already agreed she will speak to the kid more in English and work on his English. Pictures he can point to etc etc. that’s the way to respond to this.