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Original poster

Son being sexually harassed by another boy in his class

101 replies

auberJohn · 06/09/2023 21:34

Hello

My son last academic year was sexually harassed by another boy in his class.

He attends a private school and was in year 9 when this happened.

My son told me all of this just before the summer holiday started. This made it clear why my son was so miserable last year.

The bully would try to physically molest my son and on several occasions told him that he was going to rape his younger 7 year old brother, and would often whisper in his class behind him sexual obscenities about his younger in graphic details.

I sent an email to the head and pastoral care team listing the sexual harassment incidents, requesting that they take action to support my son and take action against the boy.

The entire summer went by with no reply. I chased up several times.

Today they called my son and the other boy into a meeting and basically asked my son to touch upon what happened and then asked the boy if these things were true. He apparently couldn't remember.

So the pastoral team forced my son to shake hands with the bully and then asked my son if he felt better. In an email sent to me, the pastoral team stated "the welfare of both children are important" and that both will attend weekly pastoral meetings.

It's disgusting that my son endured a campaign of physical and psychological sexual torment, only for the bully to be treated as an equal to him. If an adult was sexually harassed by another adult, the police would rightfully be alerted and I would expect that they would take action. Why is it different for a child??????

I don't know how to escalate this, as I'm concerned for my son and other kids in the school.

Any advice would be most welcomed, as I'm so worried about my boy

Thank you

OP posts:
nevynevster · 07/09/2023 06:46

I think everyone has made good suggestions. I just wanted to say how horrible for your son and how brave of him to speak up. You may need to find some extra support for him, some counselling or something to help him. I'd suggest school may have someone but clearly they are not exactly the place to go for help

HoisttheMainSail · 07/09/2023 06:57

I’m so sorry for your son and you having to go through this.

  1. Do not send either child to school today.
  2. Send a short informative message to the head and call him at 8am telling them that you are going to the police, and contacting the LADO.
  3. Ask for a meeting with the head to discuss whether your boys can return in the short term.
  4. Google other local schools. Call them and explain that you may have to move your sons urgently due to a safeguarding fail. Can you speak to Head of Admissions?

Try to take someone with you to all meetings.

To be blunt, you will probably end up leaving the school anyway as you cannot trust them. So you want to make sure your boys are safe in the short term.

At the very least this would mean the boy is not allowed anywhere near your sons.

I’m pretty shocked by this. I can guarantee that at my DC’s private school the kid would have been suspended pending investigation and I would put good money on him being expelled.

Good luck.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 07/09/2023 06:58

That’s terrible. And sadly in my experience some private schools will try to sweep this kind of thing under the carpet. Just look at the everyone’s invited Facebook page.

Have a conversation with your son and try to document everything that happened, how many times it happened and if he can remember any kind of time references e.g. “on sports day…” “towards the end of Christmas term” “in biology class” etc.

Insist that you have serious concerns about the way this has been dealt with and that getting them to shake hands was highly inappropriate. Question whether any staff have had any particular training of student on student sexual harassment, since it is rising exponentially. If you get no joy, escalate to governors.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 07/09/2023 06:59

To be blunt, you will probably end up leaving the school anyway

Yes this doesn’t sound like a safe place for your son to be at school.

Ladybug14 · 07/09/2023 07:00

Please send the response but also contact the Police, the Governors, and go to see the Head yourself

You need to step up and show your son that he's protected

No one should be made to shake hands with a sexual abuser

Cl572h · 07/09/2023 07:01

Reading this has made me so angry for you and your family op! I'm so sorry you are all going through this.

It frustrates me how the victims are always often the ones who end up missing out on school because of the bullies.

I would keep on at the school and not back down until that boy is removed away from your ds. I would threaten the school with everything, police, local newspaper, social media until something is done. Follow through with it if you have to.

Also strongly agree with the poster who said if this was a teacher doing this to a child, would it be handled the same way? Of course it wouldn't. The teacher would have been struck off and prosecuted. Not expected to shake hands with each other and off you go.

Really wishing you all the best op.

WonderingWanda · 07/09/2023 07:20

Septemberdaysarehere · 06/09/2023 21:45

Write again stating the acts that the boy has committed with you son as a victim - ask for how the KCSIE2023 safeguarding is being applied for the fact your son has been threatened, with rape and sexual assault and physically molested. And then point out is a teacher did this to a fellow teacher (child on child abuse is the term) would they treat the teacher who had threatened the other with making his victim shake his hand.

I would copy on the board of governors to this as well and copy and paste relevant sections eg children have a right to be safe at school and the child on child abuse section. I would say this action is not appropriate.

can you other boy be removed away - different classes - failing that I would pull my child out

This, and find out who their designated safeguarding lead is and copy them in...find out if they were consulted.

itsmyp4rty · 07/09/2023 07:35

Coerced/forced into shaking hands with the person who sexually harassed him? Put on the spot to say he was now feeling better? This is just shocking. I only work very part time in a secondary school and never in pastoral or with individuals and I have training every year on abuse including peer or peer sexual abuse and what to do if I have even the vaguest of concerns. This is a huge area of concern in recent times I would say.

Sadly pastoral carers are often doing the jobs of social workers but with the most minimal of training and pay. But this has been handled so appallingly that I'm just speechless. I think you need to contact the safe guarding lead and head and detail all this - they should want you in immediately to discuss this - and then the governors if you're still not happy.

This has to be taken seriously and I agree that there is every chance you will need to leave this school as the trust is gone.

NeedToChangeName · 07/09/2023 07:52

Did school tell you the boys were called in together and shook hands, or did your DS tell you that? I might ask school to confirm what happened

And shocked they didn't speak to your DS on his own

Agree with PP that this should be escalated

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/09/2023 08:41

That must have been so traumatising for your son to be forced to shake hands with his perpetrator!

Report this lad to the police and it will show your son that what is happening to him is not ok!

Livinghappy · 07/09/2023 08:49

It is very concerning that you were not called and invited to a meeting to discuss the incidents and be informed of the action and safe guarding. It definitely feels as if they didn't take it seriously, more akin to "both boys were being similarly behaved"

Is this a school in the UK? Can you say approx area?

FoodFann · 07/09/2023 08:53

Definitely report the school and contact the police

TheMousePipes · 07/09/2023 09:03

Peer on peer sexual abuse is a MASSIVE focus of all safeguarding training at the moment. Everything we have been told about how to handle such allegations is exactly the opposite of the schools response that you have just described.

If I were you I would be calling the police on this matter. I would also make a formal request to the ISI to investigate (you can find this on the ‘raise a concern’ page of their website) - this series of events should trigger an on the spot safeguarding inspection.

Ffghhhbdbfb · 07/09/2023 09:08

The threat of rape and ongoing harassment warrants police involvement. Remove both children. Report to the police. Write to the governors. Notify the head of the action you have taken. Do not let a useless school, trying to protect income, destroy lives.

jlpth · 07/09/2023 09:11

Nobody is going to help with this. Not the school or the police. The school have proven to be utterly useless, box ticking and writing useless phrases.

My ds had the shit bullied out of him and come through it (now 17). You have to get him to deal with it himself. Bullies sniff out victims who won't fight back but will get upset. Your ds has been sniffed out, just like mine was. If a 13yo says they are going to rape the 7yo brother of your ds, your ds needs to reply: haha paedo fuck off weirdo - or something that gets through to the bully in his own language. If he starts trying to molest/say sexual stuff to your son- then he needs to reply: fuck off weirdo, no wonder you have to be rapey as nobody wants your ugly face and psycho shit around them.

Critically, your ds needs to then deny all of it if the other boy reports him.

Yes, society has gone wrong. Either your ds gets bullied or he fixes it like this. There aren't any other options. Bitter experience.

MariaVT65 · 07/09/2023 09:15

OP I would also threaten to make other parents aware of the situation and inform people via social media. That will likely scare a school that pretty much runs as a business and depends on fees being paid.

I’d also ignore the previous post. It’s utter bollocks

Creepyrosemary · 07/09/2023 09:18

I don't believe in schools taking over police matters. Sexual assault should always be reported

cheesetoastybut · 07/09/2023 09:20

Wtf? The school’s response is out of the dark ages…

Some children never disclose CSA so at least he has OP. You can get him some help to deal with it. Wishing you luck and strength.

Ffghhhbdbfb · 07/09/2023 10:39

jlpth · 07/09/2023 09:11

Nobody is going to help with this. Not the school or the police. The school have proven to be utterly useless, box ticking and writing useless phrases.

My ds had the shit bullied out of him and come through it (now 17). You have to get him to deal with it himself. Bullies sniff out victims who won't fight back but will get upset. Your ds has been sniffed out, just like mine was. If a 13yo says they are going to rape the 7yo brother of your ds, your ds needs to reply: haha paedo fuck off weirdo - or something that gets through to the bully in his own language. If he starts trying to molest/say sexual stuff to your son- then he needs to reply: fuck off weirdo, no wonder you have to be rapey as nobody wants your ugly face and psycho shit around them.

Critically, your ds needs to then deny all of it if the other boy reports him.

Yes, society has gone wrong. Either your ds gets bullied or he fixes it like this. There aren't any other options. Bitter experience.

This could go badly wrong. The child carrying out the sexual harassment poses a specific type of danger and there needs to be safeguarding. The victim needs protection and the harasser needs to be stopped and assisted. If the child being threatened is recorded (phone or watch) replying 'paedo/rapey', he risks being punished.

jlpth · 07/09/2023 12:30

Creepyrosemary · 07/09/2023 09:18

I don't believe in schools taking over police matters. Sexual assault should always be reported

Having sat in court as a juror on a sexual assault case, there isn’t a chance in hell I’d take a complaint to the police. Unless I wanted it to drag on for 5 years and to be told I was an adulterer for getting assaulted.

Mirabai · 07/09/2023 12:46

jlpth · 07/09/2023 12:30

Having sat in court as a juror on a sexual assault case, there isn’t a chance in hell I’d take a complaint to the police. Unless I wanted it to drag on for 5 years and to be told I was an adulterer for getting assaulted.

Show quote history

Reporting to the police in this instance will push the school into the proper safeguarding protocols. And if it doesn’t - DS will have to leave. Doesn’t mean that DS will have to follow through with a court case.

HappyBackHome · 07/09/2023 17:15

Here is a link to KCSIE 2023

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/1181955/Keepinggchildrensafeeineducationn_2023.pdf

I would:

Keep my son at home - do not send him back to this school, he is not safe.

Search for your county and 'LADO' and call them. If you cannot find the number for the LADO, call Children's Services for your county to report a serious safeguarding failure and give them all the details you know about the incidents and the school's response so far.

I would also report all of the incidents of sexual assault, the threats made against your son and his younger brother, and the school's lack of response to the police.

Thank your son for being brave and trusting you with this information and explain that you are going to speak to the right people to get this sorted. Reassure him but try not to ask him any leading questions, just let him talk and say as much as he is comfortable with. He is a very brave lad to have realised that this is not a situation he could deal with alone.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to your son and that the school's response was to try and 'sweep it under the carpet', this was the wrong response and completely inadequate in the circumstances.

I hope when you report it to the LADO/Social Services/Police that you receive a much better response, one that you and your son are happy with, and that resolves the issues for all concerned, including the other child, who sounds as though they may be being abused themselves too, take care.

Ffghhhbdbfb · 07/09/2023 17:43

Also thank your son for his bravery in speaking out. You can protect him and his brother, while responding properly may also prevent a future victim.

MariaVT65 · 07/09/2023 17:51

I hope today has been ok OP and that you’ve been able to make some progress towards getting a proper resolution!

Bedofroses2 · 07/09/2023 21:09

This is a serious safeguarding failure - child-on-child sexual abuse cannot be resolved with a handshake. In fact, I think insisting on physical contact between them is appalling. The school have a duty to protect your son, and to protect the perpetrator from whoever has exposed him to this kind of behaviour.

I would contact Ofsted, ISI and the LADO.