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Bullying

Find advice from others who have experienced school or workplace bullying on our Bulllying forum.

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Original poster

Son being sexually harassed by another boy in his class

101 replies

auberJohn · 06/09/2023 21:34

Hello

My son last academic year was sexually harassed by another boy in his class.

He attends a private school and was in year 9 when this happened.

My son told me all of this just before the summer holiday started. This made it clear why my son was so miserable last year.

The bully would try to physically molest my son and on several occasions told him that he was going to rape his younger 7 year old brother, and would often whisper in his class behind him sexual obscenities about his younger in graphic details.

I sent an email to the head and pastoral care team listing the sexual harassment incidents, requesting that they take action to support my son and take action against the boy.

The entire summer went by with no reply. I chased up several times.

Today they called my son and the other boy into a meeting and basically asked my son to touch upon what happened and then asked the boy if these things were true. He apparently couldn't remember.

So the pastoral team forced my son to shake hands with the bully and then asked my son if he felt better. In an email sent to me, the pastoral team stated "the welfare of both children are important" and that both will attend weekly pastoral meetings.

It's disgusting that my son endured a campaign of physical and psychological sexual torment, only for the bully to be treated as an equal to him. If an adult was sexually harassed by another adult, the police would rightfully be alerted and I would expect that they would take action. Why is it different for a child??????

I don't know how to escalate this, as I'm concerned for my son and other kids in the school.

Any advice would be most welcomed, as I'm so worried about my boy

Thank you

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/09/2023 22:05

Septemberdaysarehere · 06/09/2023 21:45

Write again stating the acts that the boy has committed with you son as a victim - ask for how the KCSIE2023 safeguarding is being applied for the fact your son has been threatened, with rape and sexual assault and physically molested. And then point out is a teacher did this to a fellow teacher (child on child abuse is the term) would they treat the teacher who had threatened the other with making his victim shake his hand.

I would copy on the board of governors to this as well and copy and paste relevant sections eg children have a right to be safe at school and the child on child abuse section. I would say this action is not appropriate.

can you other boy be removed away - different classes - failing that I would pull my child out

^ this

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/09/2023 22:08

At that age I would also be reporting to the police.

MariaVT65 · 06/09/2023 22:09

MariaVT65 · 06/09/2023 21:45

That’s disgusting and i’m so sorry the school have acted like that. That boy would have been expelled straight away at my private school.

I would call the school and request an urgent f2f meeting with the head this week to discuss why their response is not appropriate and advise you are going to the police, as well as reporting the school.

Sorry also forgot to say pull your son(s) out of school immediately while this is being dealt with. No way in hell i’d let my child step back into that situation while there is a risk of it continuing.

BeverlyBrook · 06/09/2023 22:15

pintery · 06/09/2023 21:42

You could reply to the email explaining why you think their response is inadequate and what you think should happen. You can threaten to go to the police if they still don't respond appropriately, as you're right, this is a serious matter. Or just go straight to the police.

I would be furious if my child was asked to shake hands with someone who had sexually harassed them in a "very good, now that's sorted and we're all friends again" way, as if it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. You could ask them what message they think they're sending to both boys? They are letting your son down badly, and not doing the bully any favours either.

This. Police if they don't get their act together. Governors definitely. Ofsted too tbh. I would freak out if this was my child.

FlipFlopVibe · 06/09/2023 22:21

There is something called the 'schools protocol' which is part of the Police's response, this means the school can deal with offences up to a certain level if it occurred on school property without the Police recording a crime. However the parent has to be in agreement with the school dealing, you are not because the school have been useless therefore you report like any other crime between two people and say the school are not dealing and you want to progress this. Do not be fobbed off!

Momiette · 06/09/2023 22:27

Report to the police ASAP....the school staff are a joke ....and move your son as well if you can...he needs to be protected at all cost

Mirabai · 06/09/2023 22:27

Police first. Then put a complaint in writing to the head and governors.

I wouldn’t bother conversing with the pastoral team as they’re completely clueless. Just let them know that due to their incompetence slash negligence you have passed the matter to the police.

Bunnie007 · 06/09/2023 22:34

Another who suggests removing your children. I am actually horrified at the schools response, had my updated safe guarding training this week and a while section about sexual harassment and how seriously it must be taken. I would say this childs behaviour goes beyond sexual harassment and is hugely concerning both for you child and also for the child who is saying these things (massive safe guarding concern if he’s threatening to rape children social services need to be involved) Unfortunately as ‘businesses’ I find the private school can be reluctant to act in these kind of circumstances as they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ with parents by getting outside agencies involved and also there is a ‘not here’ attitude as they assume these things can’t happen to private school families. I’m so sorry they have put your son (and you) in this position but do not let them minimise this. As others have said LADDO will certainly need to be informed as making your son discuss these things in front of the other child is shocking conduct and not at all an appropriate response. In Keeping Children Safe in Education 2023 (available to read online) you will see child on child abuse abc sexual harassment need to be taken very seriously.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/09/2023 22:35

Complaint recap and follow up the forced handshake then police.

Fucking appalling. In the meantime i would be investigating new school for both boys.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 06/09/2023 22:40

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

auberJohn · 06/09/2023 22:43

I'm overwhelmed.

I can't even find the contact details for the school governors.

I feel like shit that my son kept this to himself for 5 months. It makes sense now why he would ask me the meaning of sexual words (he's very innocent, but unfortunately not any more).

I will pull myself together so that tomorrow I will take effective action, listening to what you have all said.

I will draft a response tomorrow and run it by you all.

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 06/09/2023 22:43

This has so many safeguarding red flags (for both children) I don’t even know where to start.
Escalate this immediately. Be very persistent and annoying.
Independent schools are inspected by either ofsted or the ISI.
Find out who is your schools designated safeguarding lead.
You can also report this to the local authorities if you feel school are not taking it seriously.

Thisiscrazyshite · 06/09/2023 22:43

@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink that’s not very supportive. This Mum thought the school would support her ds and punish the abuser. They haven’t and so she’s looking for the next step forward to protect her son.
Don’t be so nasty.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 22:47

pickledandpuzzled · 06/09/2023 21:40

That's appalling. I'm torn between suggesting police, writing formally to the governors and local authority, or just pulling my child out immediately.

You can't over react, to that. As in, nothing would be an over reaction. It's outrageous.

I think I'd do all of these.

And tell the head teacher I'll go to the press if they don't refund this terms school fees (don't actually go to the press).

The safeguarding processes in this school are clearly shockingly inadequate. I wonder if the bully has been raped himself.

Inkpotlover · 06/09/2023 22:48

I’d be going in tmw to demand a meeting with the head and wiping the floor with them. Forcing your DS to shake hands with the tormentor who threatened to rape his little brother is so beyond the pale it needs escalating to an official complaint at Governor/Ofsted level.

Noalcohol · 06/09/2023 22:50

I would not allow either of my sons to go to this school until the sexual harasser has been expelled.

MrsAvocet · 06/09/2023 22:54

This is terrible. Not only that it has happened but that the school has responded to a serious Safeguarding concern as if they are sorting out a bit of a spat on the cricket pitch or something! As others have said, they have failed all 3 boys here as there is more than a passing chance that the perpetrator is also a victim of someone else.
I would contact social services or the police and I wouldn't be sending my sons back.
I hope you get things sorted OP and that you have support for yourself too.

CornishTiger · 06/09/2023 22:54

I can’t understand why you allowed him to go back without having had a response.

You need to escalate this and not send your child in. They are not taking it seriously enough and tbh neither have you by sending him back in. I’d have been making calls over the holidays. Bet they were quick enough to communicate about the fees.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 06/09/2023 22:56

Ffs, why the hell would you a) pay for a private school that doesn’t respond to correspondence over sexual assault and b) take your children (both) back there while the issue hasn’t been dealt with.
I don’t get it …

RosaKim · 06/09/2023 22:57

Appleofmyeye2023 · 06/09/2023 22:56

This is what I was thinking. They didn't reply all summer?!

MintJulia · 06/09/2023 23:00

I think you need to kick up a fuss, write to the governors etc.

My ds is also at a small independent school. He was bullied last year by a boy who punched him in the head. ds reported it to his PE teacher who had already realised something was wrong. Ds had to make a written statement, the head of pastoral care investigated, took statements from other boys who agreed that the attack had taken place and was unprovoked.

The aggressor's parents were called into school, the evidence all provided to them and the boy given a final warning.

That is the sort of response you should expect. If you don't get anywhere with the school, I suggest you tell them you will report the assaults to the police. They need to take it seriously now. Your son probably isn't the only child being terrorised.

If that fails, I'd move your ds.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 06/09/2023 23:08

seconding the remove your child posts.

Greensleeves · 06/09/2023 23:14

This is a typical private school attempt to sweep unpleasantness under the carpet. In my experience private schools will deny, deny, deny right up to the point at which they feel that you have other back-up, things might go against them and there might be negative publicity. Not all private schools of course, but it is more common than most people realise and it includes some very well-regarded and expensive schools. If you want a less slovenly and disingenuous response, you will have to threaten them with the police,the press or both. For me, the trust would already be shattered and I wouldn't be giving them another chance to fail my child; he'd be out of there the same day, but I'd still be making the report.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2023 23:17

Your poor boy. Unfortunately, from experience, private schools aren’t keen on pupils who rock the boat. “”Banter” is a well-used coverall.
I would move my boy elsewhere.

Cucucucu · 06/09/2023 23:19

Report to the police and social services since it’s a child doing this to another child .

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