My mother in law had the nerve to call me inexperienced

[Tollyphono]

My mother in law haven’t got along since my DS was born. After 18mths of her being overbearing, plastering snide comments and intrusion into our lives, I couldn’t keep my feelings in any longer 🙈

We had an argument that resulted in her suggesting she was better placed to look after my DS than me “because she has more experience” This made my blood boil and we haven’t seen or spoken since (18 mths)

I’m still angry that she had the audacity to say that let alone think it - and what’s worse, her “experience” led her to put nappies on back to front and returning my son after a few hours in her care, with nasty red rashes on his bum. So that makes me a really really inexperienced mother huh?

My DH and I now have no childcare arrangements other than nursery, with my mother in law refusing to offer to look after my DS if it benefits me in any way (i.e date nights, being able to work full time)

My DH still thinks it’s my fault and that I need to apologise and that also make me angry.

Am I being over sensitive?

TBH I’m struggling to see where you’re coming from here. You don’t need your MIL to babysit for you to attend your special event so why bring her into it?

Im also not seeing posters vitriol in your DH taking his DC to see his/her GP. Why wouldn’t he? For some reason - and I suspect it’s more than a nappy change- you and MIL have fallen out. Shit happens 🤷🏻‍♀️ Theres no logical reason why your DC can’t enjoy a relationship with their GP’s, with or without you.

Your husband sounds appalling. At some level do you think it suits him to maintain the rift? Ie he has a ready made excuse to not go out with you? Because, as you have said, there are other alternatives to his mum babysitting. None of which he appears to like. It’s completely nonsensical he has booked a random day off but can’t take one off for a day you need him? Did you ask if he could swap it?

But I don’t think you have any right to expect his mother to babysit, or even resent the fact she won’t offer, when you clearly dislike her and won’t talk to her. Only those involved know the exact details of what transpired between the two of you. I expect her account would vary from yours. From what you have written it seems to me you both played a part and it’s turned into one of those horrible situations where no one is prepared to give an inch, as is their right, but it’s resulted in a really destructive scenario for everyone.

You can’t stop your husband visiting his family with his son any more than he should try and control you visiting your family.

Best of luck with the awards.

your husband is the problem, he does not have your back.

He needs pulling on this and sorting. He sounds like an absolute melt, mummys boy!

Agree with the "but is it the right type of experience?" My parents say that I should spank my children if they misbehave (it's what they did to me, their parents did it to them, didn't do them any harm, it's the only thing kids understand blah blah blah). In fairness they accept that I won't, but they still say that I should or that a lack of spanking is what's wrong with kids these days. Things move on, although actually "experience" is irrelevant here anyway, sounds to me she's just being unreasonable, insulting and childish and using it as an excuse/throwing a strop because you're not letting her treat you like dirt. Without wishing to insult your DH a quote that amused me I once read somewhere "Dear MIL, stop telling me how to raise my kids. I live with one of yours and I've seen your work!"

WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU TO WIN!!!!!

Really? Win what?

For what it’s worth OP I don’t have a great relationship with MIL. I’m happy for DH to take DC to see her. She loves them and they love her. I wouldn’t ever deny my DC a relationship with their grand parents. I grew up without knowing my grandparents. I feel I missed out.

Can I ask why you have a toxic relationship with your MIL? You say you don’t need her to babysit so why is MiL the main focus of your post? I apologise if I’ve read your posts wrong but I’m not feeling your angst tbh.

Let your DH take your DS to grandma’s. And enjoy the time out. See it as a benefit to you. Everyone needs time out to relax, occasionally

@PinkSox the OP is up for an award. She is attending an award ceremony

Oh… ok. Is that the reason she made this post? Nothing else she mentioned makes any sense, least of all the MIL not being trusted to care for OP’s DS - When she doesn’t want her to care for him anyway?

Ahh.. TBF you may have hit the nail on the head there. Forget the wicked MIL. Let’s focus on OP’s award 🥇 I’m still baffled what a thread about Wicked MIL has to do with it? 🧐 Give me a clue please 🤷🏻‍♀️

MIL is 100% irrelevant
you have a DH problem

@PinkSox sometimes current events can trigger unprocessed feelings from past or related events. It doesn’t have to make sense to you - they’re not your feelings.

Don't apologise to her ever;she'll see it as permission to treat you like shite and ride roughshod over you.

She sounds way too over invested in her son and he's afraid of her.She actually sounds abusive tbh;is your DH scared of her because he's had a lifetime of emotional abuse from her?

I think it absolutely wouldn't have mattered who he married;local girl or out of towner;she'd still have behaved the same.

Your 'D'H should not be taking DS there to have poison dripped into his ear (and he will - especially as he gets older). Your absence from these visits/family events speaks volumes and your DS will pick up on the fact you've been outcast and done something 'wrong'.
Your 'D'H has proved he doesn't have your back.
I'd no way allow my DS to spend time with MIL.

Your husband is making this a problem. He won't consider other sources of childcare to force you to apologies to his mother? Yeah he's playing games here.

Look into alternative childcare yourself make sure you have a good back up plan for when HE let's you down - as he will continue to do so because it suits him to. He's still punishing you 4/5yrs on for standing up to his mother... what an idiot. He has no respect for you - he's just bullying you. Oh and I'd no longer be transporting him to events to which you are excluded - or providing childcare so he can go alone. Pathetic man.

I always think on threads like this that it would be very interesting to hear the other side of the story .

Agree that you need your H to stand up for you against MIL's narrative. She has portrayed herself as the victim of you when she was controlling and defensive and tried to undermine you.

I wouldn't want a husband who ignored that and went along with her narrative. Any reconciliation would have to be the three of you round a table with him standing up for your right to be your own child's mother without being undermined or having your baby re-appropriated.

Yes of course she's batshit...and you're doing well to stay so strong.
When DD was little we moved away from family and friends due to jobs.
I arranged our babysitting through DD's nursery (she went fulltime) which meant she was always babysat by people that new her well.

I'm furious with your husband on your behalf! How can you even look at that manipulative, spineless piece of shit? You deserve better than this, would relationship therapy be something to explore?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice - definitely some home truths in there and given me some areas I properly need to look at 👍

You sound unreasonable to me.

I couldnt care less what my MIL (or anyone else for that matter) thinks of my parenting. Why are you bothered she thinks you are inexperienced?