My mother in law had the nerve to call me inexperienced

[Tollyphono]

My mother in law haven’t got along since my DS was born. After 18mths of her being overbearing, plastering snide comments and intrusion into our lives, I couldn’t keep my feelings in any longer 🙈

We had an argument that resulted in her suggesting she was better placed to look after my DS than me “because she has more experience” This made my blood boil and we haven’t seen or spoken since (18 mths)

I’m still angry that she had the audacity to say that let alone think it - and what’s worse, her “experience” led her to put nappies on back to front and returning my son after a few hours in her care, with nasty red rashes on his bum. So that makes me a really really inexperienced mother huh?

My DH and I now have no childcare arrangements other than nursery, with my mother in law refusing to offer to look after my DS if it benefits me in any way (i.e date nights, being able to work full time)

My DH still thinks it’s my fault and that I need to apologise and that also make me angry.

Am I being over sensitive?

None of those examples actually sound particularly bad. It sounds like she's got a different sense of humour to you, to be honest.

Ask At the nursery if any of the staff would be able to babysit that night. They may be pleased of the cash and you are guarantee a trustworthy person

God, she sounds like a nightmare and I normally try and stick up for MIL’s on here. Some of the comments I would let go. The deliberate exclusion of you, however, is not on. The main problem though is not your MIL, it is your husband. He should be bloody telling his mum it’s not acceptable to exclude you from any family events, you are his wife and mother of his child and she needs to treat you with respect. If she can’t do that then he won’t be visiting any more.

God, he sounds like an arsehole. You need to tell him he’s being a twat and if he continues you will divorce him. Seriously, your son will soon be old enough to pick up on this and it needs to be nipped in the bud now.

From your post it seems you hate your MIL and your MIL hates you. You don’t trust her to care for your dc because she put a nappy on back to front, apparently causing a sore bum within a couple of hours. Your in laws no longer invite you to family events. Your MIL is happy to see your DC when your DH takes him/her around, without you. You have an event coming up but no childcare, because DH is working, so you’d like MIL to babysit even though you, obviously, don’t trust her to, adequately, care for your DC.

Why?? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Because there’s nobody else?

Your MIL is OOO. Your DH is nit supporting you, what's his problem. He knows his mum has been a bitch, so whys he not told her she's OOO?

He's sacrificing you for his mum, what a child!

I would tell DH straight he needs to grow a pair and take on his mum. You're not asking him to fall out with her but he needs to support you.

Absolutely nothing for you to apologise for. My husband’s family tiptoe around his mother. Someone is in the bad books - family or friend - every year or so and get the silent treatment for months. She didn’t speak to her daughter for two years once over some terrible reason 🙄

A few years ago I became the chosen one for the silent treatment. I was very upset at first but then realised that nothing would ever change if I bowed and scraped. Shame for her as she has pretty much destroyed her relationship with our children who were old enough to see this was not the way people behave. My DH didn’t get it at first but to give him credit he did stand up for me and tell a few home truths.

I’m sad that it came to this but I’m better off without manipulation in my life. Too old for it.

no practical suggestions ref the award though!

If your MIL is so shit why would you ever want her to look after your son anyway?

Well she gets to see her son & GS-all without you!

Is there a point to being with your husband?

I think I would be having a discussion with my dh along the lines of as DS gets older he will be able to understand more of the conversations around him and notice the situation with regard to MIL. It's time for DH to shit or get off the pot. He needs to stop pandering g to this weekly visit without you, and no babysitting if it benefits you rubbish. It's all or nothing.

Start spreading a rumour (that you know will get back to her) that you are thinking of moving back down south with husband and son since you are excluded from family and have no childcare 😉

I’d take a careful look at your relationship with your DH.

He’s quite happy to go visit his mother/family without you, which - to me - means your absence is a ‘plus’ to everyone. He hasn’t stepped up to defend you or try to resolve the situation. To me that screams he’s completely ok with you being left out.

In my family, my brother’s wife is known as a ‘problem’. No one likes her however I will readily admit that 50 percent of what we don’t like is down to what my brother tells us. We never act on it - act pleasant when she’s around etc but we all know my brother is counting the days until he leaves her (why he doesn’t do it now we’ll never know 🤷‍♀️ Apparently there’s a perfect moment to leave your partner exists.) So any occasion she’s not around is how we expect the future to be. His niece doesn’t ignore you just because of your MIL, she’s probably heard from her mum, who’s been told by your MIL, who your husband told etc etc

This will sound cruel but - Your husband has checked out. He can’t even be arsed to pretend to his family because he knows this isn’t forever. And he - they - probably slag you off when you’re not around. You may think it’s because of the nappies but it runs much deeper.

Your MIL was completely in the wrong here. I'm surprised your partner isn't backing you. I'd be really angry if my MIL said those things and my partner continued to go round to see her with my children as normal. I'd probably be spiteful and just stop her from seeing them until an apology tbh. Better placed to look after your child... who tf does she think she is!

Sorry but if my mother in law snubbed me like that she wouldn’t be seeing my child either. You come as a package and your husband needs to back you up.

Your dh should have stuck up for you once your mil opened her nasty mouth.
Your ds is 50% you, so she has to lump it. She needs to apologise to you, hell would freeze over before I’d apologise to that idiot,

How are you letting your child still go to see her and to events without you and also by the way his family are treating you. Your dh is a twat.

That’s such a sad post. But unfortunately will have a fair amount of truth to it. He has in any case decided he’d rather upset his wife than his mother.

This whole scenario is bizarre .

You don't like your MIL, you haven't spoken to her for 18 months, you don't trust her ... yet you are moaning that she won't babysit for you ? You obviously don't communicate with your partner regarding your individual work commitments. You would like to go out somewhere just you and your partner - yet in 18 months you haven't considered alternative child care ?

I agree your MIL doesn't deserve a thing from you and your DH is not treating you with respect. Does he always pander to her outbursts?

I've been where you are now. It's difficult and caused resentment in my relationship.

You need to stop DH taking your kid to this horrible woman’s place. He’s a spineless dick, btw.

Do you have any friends who you can trade babysitting? That's what used to do. Dh would stay with the dc while I babysat for a friend then another night the friend would baby sit for us.

Why? If GC and MIL have a good relationship, why would OP deny her DC a relationship with his grandparents? It’s ok to not like your MIL. It’s ok not to like your DIL. That shouldn’t impact on a child’s relationship with family members. In fact it’s ridiculous for anyone to suggest they deny a child a relationship with GP’s, based on some silly, childish “squabble”. There is always two sides to every story.

I think I’ve missed out some context in my original post…

in a nutshell, my MIL and I don’t have anything to do with eachother. I don’t want her to babysit- that’s not an option, she’s burnt her bridges as far as I’m concerned.

but this doesn’t stop me feeling angry that the situation of not having her to hand for babysitting is down to her being plain spiteful, yet she still gets the glory of having a relationship with her son and GS.

the comments on here are real eye openers
about the lack of support from my DH, which I’m grateful to read.

in hindsight I should have mentioned that I have suggested we look at alternatives for childcare but my DH isn’t interested in exploring alternative options as it’s “my fault” we can’t rely on his mother and says “you know what you need to do” (apologise)

when I refer to her refusing to babysit “if it benefits me” this refers to a party my DH and I were invited to. I suggested my sister babysit but he wasn’t open to that (and they were busy anyway) so i said (as a last resort) what about your mother? And that’s when he said “she won’t babysit if it benefits you” - so it’s not as if I’ve asked her, or want her to, but what this comment means to me is that I will never get support from anyone on his side of the family for me and my DH to do anything together and that seems like a punishment to me.

the awards night (no husband by my side is an example and he won’t push to find a solution to come with me - yeah I know… that speaks volumes and is probably why I accept that I’m the bottom rung of a ladder)

we have friends in the area who I could ask for babysitting support but whenever I suggest getting a babysitter, it’s met with resistance and the conversation always goes back to his mother. As if I’ve ruined the chance, but looking deeper into it, perhaps my DH is actually using that as an excuse to stay at home and not accompany me, which is really shit

Nope x

Why are you letting her see your child?

If someone couldn’t be civil to me then there is no way they would have any unsupervised access to my child.

she lives opposite the nursery and my DH who does the pickup drops in on their way home - I would love to put a blanket ban on it, but how can I monitor and physically stop that when my husband doesn’t believe in me and my reasons for being angry with his mum? Any advice on how to stop contact would be great

@Craftybodger perhaps because the dad has an equal say? It’s his child too. There is nothing to suggest there is any possible harm to the child, who I am sure is long out of nappies.