I’m looking for some advice regarding a deeply concerning series of events that have taken place since my 4.5 yo started reception class in September.
My daughter can be very shy, reserved and nervous in new situations, but once comfortable I would describe her as being very chatty and loves to play. She often likes to sit and observe other children before joining in with group activities.
Whilst at nursery, she developed a fear of PE and did not want to get changed into her kit, so would sit on the side and watch. She also had concerns over using the toilet with other children present, and it took her a long time to become comfortable going to the toilet with anyone other than her key carers.
When she started school, I received two phone calls home from her teacher within the first two weeks - she claimed my daughter would not talk to anyone, would ‘scream’ at her if she was asked to do something she didn’t want to do (e.g. tidying up) or would move in ‘slow motion’ when asked to do things like wave for the register.
This was really concerning for me, it did not sound like my daughter at all and it was certainly not how she behaved at nursery. She had never screamed at me in all her life, but she would cry.
When I relayed these concerns to her teacher, her response was she had contacted my daughter’s nursery and they had confirmed she behaved in the exact same way whilst in their care. As I can’t see what happens in the classroom, I had to trust her on this, but it confused me and I didn’t know how best to support my daughter because she never behaved that way with me.
As we go into term 2, my daughter has become more and more fearful of going to school in the morning. I have a battle to get her dressed, and once inside the gates she hides behind me and clings on tightly. I have observed her teacher being gentle with other children who are nervous to go in, getting down to their level, giving hugs or talking to them gently. This never happens with my daughter, she becomes very impatient with her and uses an angry tone when telling her to come inside.
The last straw for me was Thursday - I needed to gently push my daughter towards the door to try and get her over the threshold. At this point, her teacher grabbed her arm, pulled her through the door with force, and angrily said “come on in, Mummy is NOT coming in with you today”.
As I walked away, another Mum who I did not know caught up with me and asked if I was ok as she had witnessed how rough the teacher had been with my child.
At the end of the day, I was asked to wait behind until all the other parents had gone and given a report of the day. The conversation began with “I have lots of exciting things to tell you about today”. Her teacher first told me how my daughter did not want to get dressed for PE. This was the first day they were required to change into full kit, rather than just changing their shoes I later found out. This did not surprise me, my daughter often told me her worries about PE and I responded by telling her she would not be made to do anything she didn’t want to do. I had also informed her teacher of her fears over PE so expected them to approach the issue with care and compassion.
The teacher then informed me that because my daughter was not getting changed, she was given a 5 second warning or she would have to go and sit in the nursery class (with the younger children in the school’s nursery area). Of course my daughter did not want to go there (I imagine out of fear as it would be an alien environment to her) but she still did not want to get changed. So she was “positively placed” there for a ‘time out’. She had supposedly scratched and grabbed at her teacher in the lead up to this positive placement. This again surprised me as she has never scratched or grabbed at home, or anywhere else that I am aware of. It was completely out of character for her.
This part of the conversation was brushed over very quickly, I was not told anymore about what “positive placement” involves, and did not receive a download of how my daughter responded, how she was feeling or anything else that happened.
She then spent a long time telling me how her and my daughter had an “I’m sorry” cuddle, she took my daughter alone to have a hot chocolate with the year 6 class and she had been given a sticker chart to use as a reward to encourage good behaviour.
That day, when my daughter came home she completely wet herself and cried (she has only ever had small accidents and not the amount of this afternoon since potty training). She told me she hadn’t been to the toilet all day, and given the amount and severity of the wetting, this made sense to me.
The next day I decided to call the nursery on the advice of a friend and find out what information and comments they had passed on to the teacher. I had concerns over data privacy since I had not given my consent for her teacher to obtain this information, and also could not understand the claims she had made regarding my daughter’s behaviour.
It was confirmed to me that they had not had any conversations with my daughter’s teacher, nor any of the schools in the local area for that matter. At this point I became aware the teacher had told me quite a detailed lie regarding my daughter. With my trust in her broken, I then began to review all the events that have happened in this short time of my daughter starting school. She has developed selective mutism and has still not spoken at all to anyone in the school environment.
I requested a meeting with the head teacher to relay this information and my concerns. It was during this meeting that I discovered the shocking details of what “positive placement” involves. My daughter was restrained by two adults in order to be placed in the nursery class. And the cause of this? My daughter was too nervous to get changed into her PE kit.
I imagine the fear my daughter faced in being given a choice between getting dressed or going to the nursery class. Both choices would have been scary for her so of course she didn’t want to do either. I imagined the stress and anxiety she experienced in being restrained and physically moved against her will by TWO adults. She’s a little 4 year old girl. I’ve never needed two adults to restrain her at home and could not understand what she could have possibly done that was so bad she had her human rights violated in this way.
The investigation is ongoing, however I have no faith in the school dealing with this satisfactorily. The head seemed to condone the use of this “positive placement” on children so young and was more concerned with the issue of the teacher supposedly contacting the nursery to gain information on my daughter (which of course did not happen).
I wanted to ask for advice, at this stage I have taken my daughter out of school over concerns for her safety. I planned to speak with social services tomorrow as I feel a full investigation should take place into why this level of physical force was used on a 4 year old, and why this policy exists within the school. I feel it has been used against my daughter as a form of punishment and intimidation, and not used as a last resort because they have exhausted all other options. I’ve received phone calls home for less. If my daughter was being so disruptive, why was I not called? Why did my daughter receive a ‘reward’ of hot chocolate and sticker charts immediately after this event?
Naturally I am sick to my stomach thinking of what has been happening to my daughter since she started school, how she has gone from a slightly shy and sensitive girl to completely losing her voice and becoming fearful of the school I am sending her to every day. She has began wetting the bed which is out of the ordinary and her appetite is poor.