Physical restraint of 4 yo by two teachers

[agpennypacker]

I’m looking for some advice regarding a deeply concerning series of events that have taken place since my 4.5 yo started reception class in September.

My daughter can be very shy, reserved and nervous in new situations, but once comfortable I would describe her as being very chatty and loves to play. She often likes to sit and observe other children before joining in with group activities.

Whilst at nursery, she developed a fear of PE and did not want to get changed into her kit, so would sit on the side and watch. She also had concerns over using the toilet with other children present, and it took her a long time to become comfortable going to the toilet with anyone other than her key carers.

When she started school, I received two phone calls home from her teacher within the first two weeks - she claimed my daughter would not talk to anyone, would ‘scream’ at her if she was asked to do something she didn’t want to do (e.g. tidying up) or would move in ‘slow motion’ when asked to do things like wave for the register.

This was really concerning for me, it did not sound like my daughter at all and it was certainly not how she behaved at nursery. She had never screamed at me in all her life, but she would cry.

When I relayed these concerns to her teacher, her response was she had contacted my daughter’s nursery and they had confirmed she behaved in the exact same way whilst in their care. As I can’t see what happens in the classroom, I had to trust her on this, but it confused me and I didn’t know how best to support my daughter because she never behaved that way with me.

As we go into term 2, my daughter has become more and more fearful of going to school in the morning. I have a battle to get her dressed, and once inside the gates she hides behind me and clings on tightly. I have observed her teacher being gentle with other children who are nervous to go in, getting down to their level, giving hugs or talking to them gently. This never happens with my daughter, she becomes very impatient with her and uses an angry tone when telling her to come inside.

The last straw for me was Thursday - I needed to gently push my daughter towards the door to try and get her over the threshold. At this point, her teacher grabbed her arm, pulled her through the door with force, and angrily said “come on in, Mummy is NOT coming in with you today”.

As I walked away, another Mum who I did not know caught up with me and asked if I was ok as she had witnessed how rough the teacher had been with my child.

At the end of the day, I was asked to wait behind until all the other parents had gone and given a report of the day. The conversation began with “I have lots of exciting things to tell you about today”. Her teacher first told me how my daughter did not want to get dressed for PE. This was the first day they were required to change into full kit, rather than just changing their shoes I later found out. This did not surprise me, my daughter often told me her worries about PE and I responded by telling her she would not be made to do anything she didn’t want to do. I had also informed her teacher of her fears over PE so expected them to approach the issue with care and compassion.

The teacher then informed me that because my daughter was not getting changed, she was given a 5 second warning or she would have to go and sit in the nursery class (with the younger children in the school’s nursery area). Of course my daughter did not want to go there (I imagine out of fear as it would be an alien environment to her) but she still did not want to get changed. So she was “positively placed” there for a ‘time out’. She had supposedly scratched and grabbed at her teacher in the lead up to this positive placement. This again surprised me as she has never scratched or grabbed at home, or anywhere else that I am aware of. It was completely out of character for her.

This part of the conversation was brushed over very quickly, I was not told anymore about what “positive placement” involves, and did not receive a download of how my daughter responded, how she was feeling or anything else that happened.

She then spent a long time telling me how her and my daughter had an “I’m sorry” cuddle, she took my daughter alone to have a hot chocolate with the year 6 class and she had been given a sticker chart to use as a reward to encourage good behaviour.

That day, when my daughter came home she completely wet herself and cried (she has only ever had small accidents and not the amount of this afternoon since potty training). She told me she hadn’t been to the toilet all day, and given the amount and severity of the wetting, this made sense to me.

The next day I decided to call the nursery on the advice of a friend and find out what information and comments they had passed on to the teacher. I had concerns over data privacy since I had not given my consent for her teacher to obtain this information, and also could not understand the claims she had made regarding my daughter’s behaviour.

It was confirmed to me that they had not had any conversations with my daughter’s teacher, nor any of the schools in the local area for that matter. At this point I became aware the teacher had told me quite a detailed lie regarding my daughter. With my trust in her broken, I then began to review all the events that have happened in this short time of my daughter starting school. She has developed selective mutism and has still not spoken at all to anyone in the school environment.

I requested a meeting with the head teacher to relay this information and my concerns. It was during this meeting that I discovered the shocking details of what “positive placement” involves. My daughter was restrained by two adults in order to be placed in the nursery class. And the cause of this? My daughter was too nervous to get changed into her PE kit.

I imagine the fear my daughter faced in being given a choice between getting dressed or going to the nursery class. Both choices would have been scary for her so of course she didn’t want to do either. I imagined the stress and anxiety she experienced in being restrained and physically moved against her will by TWO adults. She’s a little 4 year old girl. I’ve never needed two adults to restrain her at home and could not understand what she could have possibly done that was so bad she had her human rights violated in this way.

The investigation is ongoing, however I have no faith in the school dealing with this satisfactorily. The head seemed to condone the use of this “positive placement” on children so young and was more concerned with the issue of the teacher supposedly contacting the nursery to gain information on my daughter (which of course did not happen).

I wanted to ask for advice, at this stage I have taken my daughter out of school over concerns for her safety. I planned to speak with social services tomorrow as I feel a full investigation should take place into why this level of physical force was used on a 4 year old, and why this policy exists within the school. I feel it has been used against my daughter as a form of punishment and intimidation, and not used as a last resort because they have exhausted all other options. I’ve received phone calls home for less. If my daughter was being so disruptive, why was I not called? Why did my daughter receive a ‘reward’ of hot chocolate and sticker charts immediately after this event?

Naturally I am sick to my stomach thinking of what has been happening to my daughter since she started school, how she has gone from a slightly shy and sensitive girl to completely losing her voice and becoming fearful of the school I am sending her to every day. She has began wetting the bed which is out of the ordinary and her appetite is poor.

Very distressing to read this. You need to move her and make a formal complaint to the board of governors. Hope your daughter is able to recover from this, you need to choose her next school very carefully.

What country are you in OP

Move her. And I don’t usually say this on school threads

One of my dc was very nervous about school, everything from answering the register to using the loos and getting changed. So I know the right way to handle this: the teacher called his name and said ‘yes, dc is here, hello dc’ and ignored the fact he said nothing. A couple of weeks in he had started talking to the TA and at the end of the day he came out of school with a jumper full of stickers and a big smile on his face - he’d done some simple phonics and the TA had said it was wonderful and taken him to show his reading to some of the other teachers and the head who all gave him a sticker, and the TA said to dc ‘you know what, you’re doing brilliantly, and there’s just one extra thing you could do which is to say ‘hello’ in the register, do you think you could do that?’ And dc, who’d had his confidence built up, started doing it, and over the course of reception and Y1 joined in with pretty much everything.

No force, no punishments, all encouragement. A 4yo is so tiny and so vulnerable to what’s going on. Your dd wasn’t being naughty: she was scared. It makes my stomach churn to read your OP as I can imagine an unsympathetic school doing that to dc. I can’t even imagine how upsetting it must have been for you and her.

I would refer this to LADO as a safeguarding concern urgently.

Also if I could be nosy - this school isn’t in surrey is it? < Alarm bells for a similar situation we encountered >

Devil is in the detail here.

Children cannot do what they want, there is a safety issue. I am not sure, though, why, ultimately, at that age, she could not do PE in normal clothes for one day.

I imagine using two people to put a small child somewhere is a safety thing, too, both for the child and adults.

Agree with everyone else, though, that the lie needs full investigation and your daughter needs a new start in a different environment.

I would not always recommend this, as it is maximum hassle for a school, and parents should only use it as a last resort, but I would put in a Subject Access Information Request under GDPR. Then the school is obliged to hand over all paperwork (e mails, school system records etc ), concerning your daughter, to you.

@GoodnightGrandma

Has anyone ever mentioned having any form of SEN type assessment ? Did nursery ever mention it ?

Oh give over.

This is completely irrelevant and not the issue here, and even if it were, then the way the child is being treated (and the parent being lied to) is still appalling and totally unacceptable.

I would contact chair of governors urgently to also complain. And Ofsted as a matter of safeguarding.

Make a complaint to ofsted op

This breaks my heart! So the nursery say they did not talk to the teacher but can they confirm they have experienced the same behaviour? Even if they have it's still not ok, but would be interesting to know if the behaviour is new or not. Glad you've taken her out because that's horrible how she's been treated. If I'd seen a teacher grab my daughter like that pulling her into school I think I would have been stunned but hope I'd march right in and take her back with me. Hope you find something better for her OP

I’m sorry, that’s absolutely awful. Keep her off, look for a new school that is more nurturing and has great SEN provision - not necessarily because your DD has an undiagnosed need but because they’ll be better placed to deal with a range of positive discipline or behaviour management.

LADO, governors and Ofsted. And don't EVER send her back there - you're getting a clear trauma response from her. Christ this is shocking.

This is absolutely shocking. Your poor daughter.
The teacher should be suspended immediately for the lie alone I feel whilst the investigation is Carried out. Completely unprofessional. At 4 years of age to go through all of the above is abhorrent. No care or compassion by the sounds of it.

Meant to say, by way of contrast, my DC go to a wonderful school which is kind but has clear discipline, and they would never ever touch a child like this unless they're a danger to themselves or others. I've very occasionally (when in volunteering) seen children who clearly have considerable additional needs being kindly and calmly "marked" around the corridors until they calm down (and they have specific staff trained in safe restraint technique, which they would obv never use for a four year old who doesn't like PE kit 😔)

I wondered for a minute if you were in the same area as us as we were once told by the reception teacher that our paed wasn't happy with my child's attendance. I asked for the copy of the email as I was surprised as the paed had told us they were very impressed with the attendance. Of course we were never given an email and when we asked the paed he had never spoken to the teacher about anything! One of many lies which ended in a formal conplaint

Please move her. I taught in a special school, and any kind of physical management was only allowed in situations where the child or those around them needed to be kept safe.

This situation has clearly got out of hand, and her teacher is clearly very negative about her. It's not going to get any better while your DD remains in that class.

Would the parent who witnessed the mishandling in the playground be prepared to back you up?

I wouldn't jump to this (I'm a teacher) but I would take her out of that school. I'm horrified by this. If I had a child scared of getting changed for PE I would talk to them, try to find out why and work with both them and the parent to come up with a compromise like only changing shoes or sitting at the side watching til she's used to it. This is awful, I'm so sorry.

I can see how worried you are about your DD OP and I think it is important to follow this up, as you are doing. At the same time, and not justifying what has happened, it sounds like your DD is very disruptive to other's learning. Yes our of fear rather than 'naughty' but still something which is going to cause problems in any large learning environment. So at the same time as tackling this issue, I think you need help to think about how to help your daughter cope in a mainstream setting and if that's not possible, be educated in a different setting. Although this is obviously more extreme, your DD is at risk of a continued negative schooling experience unless something changes. When did the issues with peeing around others start? I wonder if this might be an easier thing to help her move on with - and if she does, this might really increase her confidence. Not sure anyone could cope well and calmly if they are busting for a week for 4 hours.

Move her, move her, move her.

My son sounds very similar to your daughter, incredibly anxious over certain things like changing rooms and toilet at school, quite and shy but generally well behaved. He was wetting himself in P1 (Scotland) because of fear of the toilets and the teachers were nothing but kind and supportive and had good ideas for discreet and positive solutions. Nobody every gave him a hard time or threatened him with a punishment.

Your daughter may have SEN, she may not, but that's not really relevant here. The teachers have behaved appallingly either way.

The 'I'm sorry' cuddle thing is weird. Who was supposedly saying sorry to who there? And taking her for a hot chocolate separately? I don't think that kind of thing would happen at my sons school.

@DiscoStusMoonboots

I very seldom say this but - move her. None of this is OK, OP.

This. Request a class change if you have another form.

Complaints can be stressful. It's worrying about the nursery situation and I'm sure the teacher will deny what she said to you OP.

Your daughter has developed selective mutism, a fear of getting undressed for PE and using the toilets, physically assaulted in your presence, lying about communications from other professionals, taken away for special cuddles and hot chocolate...?? She hasn't been there long, and she has become afraid to get undressed, stopped talking, you have witnessed one instance of abuse, and taken away for special one to one cuddles and hot chocolate. Any one of them would be a safeguarding concern alone.
Deregister her immediately, there are a lot of alarm bells there. Do not send her tomorrow. I would suggest having a few months off to recover and find out exactly what they've done. Re-apply to a different school when she is ready.
Call non-emergency police line to report, contact head, council and ofstead. That teacher needs suspending immediately whilst they investigate.

To add to your list of concerns this is against all safeguarding rules:

She then spent a long time telling me how her and my daughter had an “I’m sorry” cuddle, she took my daughter alone to have a hot chocolate

I'd be changing schools, though not dropping my complaints about the original school.

It all sounds really odd, I agree that your dd needs to be removed and an alternative school found.

I also agree that there are a lot of red flags for possible SEN here as well. I say that as a mum of a dd with an SEN.

It is obvious the teacher does not like your child, you can't like every child just like you can't like every adult you meet but the teacher should never let the child know she dislikes them. You have done the right thing in reporting the matter and i really do think you need to move your child. You also need to tell your child she has to do as she is told at school as that is how life works, if you don't you are setting her ( and yourself) up for so much trouble. Please keep in mind the teaching staff have many other children in the class and can't spend to much time placating your child as every other child in that class deserves an education. I think a SEN assessment is needed.

Some great advice here. Lots of concerning things regarding teacher. I think you've had great advice here and agree with you removing her. A few slightly concerning things regarding you too (which I would change before putting her into any other setting as I don't think you're helping, not empowering her or encouraging listening/ independence and that's what she really needs. Possibly she had a great key worker at nursery but school don't have these resources).

Don't say you don't need to do things you don't want to do. You need to encourage her to do things even when she doesn't want to. This is a good life lesson.

Sounds like you are constantly going into class with her if teacher said, "NOT today " it's a long time into term now to be doing this. Often parents make it harder for their kids to settle and it's possible you are doing this (reading between the lines).

If she never screams at you, is this because you generally don't make her do anything and always find a distraction or way round it or bribe egm getting dressed. What do you do if she says no or cries? Is this something school could do or do you generally give in or offer a bribe? I would definitely share your strategies with a new school and make sure it's realistic for 2 adults with 30 kids to do.

I'm so sorry you & your poor daughter are going through this.
I worked in EYFS for many years & NEVER saw or heard of 'positive placements' or the restraining of a child by 2 adults for the reasons you describe.
Take this as far as you can with the school, the cuddle/hot chocolate sounds downright weird & sounds like a staff member knew they had gone too far.
I also think you should move your dd & schedule a time to speak to the sendco about a settling in period & support.
Good luck, really hope it all works out.