Year 6 problem

[Generallybewildered]

How do I deal with my daughter and the problems she has at school?

She’s an extrovert. She wants to be friends with everyone and wants to be a leader. This causes issues as she doesn’t like to play games where she’s not the key player as such. We’ve spoken about this but she still struggles.

Anyway it’s now blown up.
At a sleepover last week she ended up sleeping alone on the bathroom floor because the others were saying horrid things about her.
She got shouted at in the street by a group of “friends” for removing a girl from a chat group that had already removed her twice.

When I spoke to her teachers I basically got told that it was her fault because she was hard to get on with. However I’ve got a girl who cries everyday and doesn’t seem to know how to make it better.

I could be writing this. Mine is exactly the same. May I ask how you and your daughter are doing now ? She's just started high school, right ? How has she coped becoming a little fish in a big pond ? I'm hoping high school will be the make of my eldest ..

It sounds like there are lots of issues. If your daughter is being, shall we say strong, in her need to be in charge that may well come across as ‘bullying’ to other people. She wants to be in charge and maybe some of the other girls are saying enough is enough. In this case it’s more difficult to resolve because it may be a case of tough love. If however they are blatantly excluding her with no cause then then the school should help. The fact that they are saying though that it’s part to do with her behaviour it could be that she’s in for a hard learning curve.

Get a book about leaders, read it together. Emphasise that leadership is many things - you have to influence people to WANT to follow you. You need charisma, empathy, learning agility, mutual respect, courage, communication skills. Just being loud and pushy is not leadership.

Then, discuss what "following" means. Not being the leader doesn't mean you are weak or failing. You won't lead every group or activity with your friends, but you might lead sometimes, or in different groups.

Next, set her a personal challenge. For one week, tell her that she has to be Little Miss Yes with her group of school friends. Every time a friend asks her to do something- unless it is dangerous, cruel or will get her in trouble- she has to try to willingly agree to it. Every game, every request to lend something or help with something. Tell her to observe how people's reactions are different when she always agrees. Ask her to remember which things it was hard to agree to, and how did she feel. Make her aware it is only an experiment - she won't always have to compromise away her personal desires. But hopefully it should teach her that give and take can feel okay, that it helps her get along with people better.

I did this with my DD and it wasnt a perfect success but it did force her to really consider how her behaviour could be different, and give her a different strategy when dealing with a character who was just as assertive and demanding as she is.

Remind her that she has to be able to get along with all sorts of people in life and this is a skill to be learned like any other. The only way to learn is practise, feedback, and try again.

@Bingbongbinglybong this is a fantastic idea ! Thank you