Feelings about bf people don't talk about

[Brollyflower]

It seems to me that there is often a lot unsaid about people's feelings towards breastfeeding, because people are worried what others might make of their feelings. I wondered if it was worth starting a thread on this so we can see the range of attitudes/concerns out there?

I'll start us off. I have breastfed all my 3 dcs. It never occurred to me to do anything else. When expecting dd1 I remember wondering if bf a girl would be 'weird' somehow, as only male people (i.e. dh and ds) had previously been near my breasts. My own thoughts surprised me, as I'd breastfed ds into toddlerhood without any conflicting emotions. Fortunately, once dd was born it seemed just as natural as it had with ds, despite the odd blip here and there.

I remember a friend once telling me that her mother didn't ever cuddle her because it would seem weird. She had three sons who I guess she would cuddle. Very sad. I have bfed my three girls and to me it feels totally natural and lovely. It will be very difficult to stop with DD3.

In the early days of bfing DD it would make me feel 'aroused' and I really hated it.

I think that's about as taboo as you get

I have two boys, I would have loved to have breastfed them but could only manage 6 weeks with each as they just couldnt be filled up! I cuddled them close when I bottle fed instead! They are 2 and 5 now and are very healthy, happy and cuddly little boys!

Bumperlicious - you are not weird or dangerous. My mum had those feelings bfing all of us.

It's pefectly natural: bfing releases the same hormones as orgasm, and it stimulates your uterus to contract, which also happens when you orgasm.

I last breastfed 9m ago, when ds2 was 3y1m. He still talks about it, loves my breasts and wants to stroke and handle them. I'm getting fed up of his obsession with my breasts, but, at the same time, if he's low/miserable/poorly I feel a very strong urge to breastfeed him. I wonder what would happen if I did? I'm sure he would feed, and I would probably produce something, but what would happen afterwards.

I half regret stopping, tho my reasons for doing so were very good - and haven't changed.

I hated bf DS. I became phobic about it, truly truly freaked out and scared. The conflict between what I thought I should do and what I wanted to do was appalling.

I think I was depressed actually, but managed to mix feed and ended up tandem feeding DS and DD until DS was 3.6, very happily indeed.

It's bloomin' annoying having to keep stopping whatever you are doing to bf IME. Not arousing and certainly no feel good hormones either! I just used to sit there, looking fed up and get on with it. I wish I had liked it and lasted 'til they were well past 1yo (at least), but 4 months was my limit.

I'm such an earth mother .

thanks Loopymumsy - I should explain that the feelings went away after a few months! When I stopped being depressed really.

tsc I used to just sit there thinking "it's free, it's good for them, it saves making a bottle up".

I'm glad I did it, but looking back I think I should have got a double pump and and given them lots of EBM and saved the bf-ing for bedtimes or when we were out and about / emergencies.

Thanks to Bumper (I felt like that too but it's passed now).

I've just started to introduce ff to ds aged 6.5 months. I feel totally conflicted about stopping bf. On a practical level it will be good but I do not feel emotionally ready to stop at all.

Oh no Bumperlicious, I had no idea that could even happen! So glad that never happened to me, I think it would be enough to put me off BF'ing for life!
I BF my DD with only latching on problems in beg. But got the hang of it once I saw the specialist and carried on till DD was 12months+

I found EBF hard, never seemed to be able to get much out, I wonder if the electric pumps are much better?

I really, really don't want to do it but am planning to because it's best for the baby. I'm finding pregnancy very hard (psychologically, that is: physically I've been very lucky and had no problems) and just want my body back. Not sure if that's something people don't talk about, but I don't feel I can say it to anyone in RL.

There is nothing wrong in having nice feelings whilst breastfeeding as breastfeeding is a sensual experience, not sexual. It doesn't mean that you are thinking unhealthy thoughts about your child or that it will lead to something wrong, it can be a pleasurable experence and there is nothing wrong with that. You are not harming your child in any way. I think it is natures way of satisfying a mother her need for bonding and closeness that she may be far too tired and consumed with her baby to be getting from her partner. It doesn't make us wrong or evil, we are human and are programmed to respond to sensual experiences. If you remove the guilt from the feeling it just becomes a pleasent sensation, and totally natural.

This is a v interesting thread. I'm expecting my 1st soon, and planning/hoping to BF. I've become very aware that women who express reservations, or a dislike, of how their breasts are 'used' during BF-ing can get a very hostile reaction. As if they are 'stoopid' women who only want to view their bodies sexually.

Thing is - as someone who was sexually abused throughout their childhood and early adolescence, I've always had very confusing, conflicting and often unpleasant feelings about my body anyway. (and yes, I have had counselling/therapy before anyone says it!)

It's a huge topic, but feelings of 'ownership' over my body - what I feel over any 'forced' exposure, or unexpected/unwelcome handling of my body - are quite tricky. Obviously, it's a huge issue for pregnancy and birth in general, but that's a bigger issue. Atm, I don't feel any anxiety about putting a baby to my breast (although I'm aware that odd feelings do come out of nowhere with all this, so expecting the unexpected is always a good idea). However, letting MWs/HVs/BF counsellors etc push and pull me around isn't something I want (and yes, I know they will be trying to help, but I'm talking emotional reactions here, not logical ones).

Also, I feel there's a pressure to not care about exposing yourself in public while BF-ing (again, the implication is that one is being 'precious' somehow, or over sensitive.) And then there are the physical changes, the pain that will/won't be a part of it, depending on who you listen to!

Language like 'it's what your body is designed for' is intended as encouraging, I know - but to me, it sounds coercive. I've heard these things before in very different contexts. Ditto 'you won't care', or 'you lose all dighity' etc (this much more a staple of birth threads, but you do hear it around BF).

I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to get a very personal and private sense of dignity back, and to feel a sense of righful ownership over my body. I don't want to be told what my body is designed for, irrespective of my feelings - I want it to be my CHOICE. It's not realistic to expect these feelings to play no role in BF-ing. However, they do come very definitely under the category of things that are very difficult to talk about.

I have found to my surprise that my baby feels so much like a part of me still (as she did when she was inside me), that it has never felt at all odd to breastfeed (and before I had her I thought that it would be weird).

I agree barkfox that "you lose all dignity" is not a helpful comment re. childbirth or bf-ing. I think it is more that you are taken over by your body during childbirth and your baby is an extension of your own body if that makes any sense??

My unexpected negatives have been the sheer boredom of constant feeding and the ever so slightly disgusted faces of some of my friends

barkfox - I do hope things go well for you. I am sure that they will, your post is so eloquent and well reasoned. I feel that your excellent understanding of the issues that you have to face is what you need to give you the strength to deal with them.

I hope I have not been intrusive, I was very moved by your post and wanted to add some support.

barkfox - hugs (at arms' length though! Lovely to see someone with your background pushing through the problems and claiming your life back. If you want to do this with BF too, I'm sure you will - but it's a personal choice.

Barkfox - you sound fantastic and incredibly sensible. Whether you bf, express, or formula feed I'm sure you will do your best for your LO because you go into this with eyes open, aware of potential problems, unashamed to deal with them, and ready to stand up for yourself.

It's true that in pregnancy you do get touched by HCPs a lot, but you have the absolute right to insist that your personal space is respected. An experienced midwife who has had the opportunity to observe you labouring will not need to physically examine you as a matterof course.

As for breastfeeding support, no trained BFC/peer supporter/helper will ever touch you without your express permision. And then only if there is absolutely no other way to help you. Only one among many reasons to access bfing support from them, rather than from HVs or midwives.

One last thought: your breasts are your own, you are merely lending them to you baby while he or she needs milk.

I hope you have an empowering and healing year ahead of you.

Thank you v much for kind responses (and I appreciate the sensitively arms' length non-invasive hug honeywitch, that made me laugh!) -

I just thought, I can't be the only woman out there with a bit of a 'compromised' attitude towards their body, for want of a better word. And questions of access, function, control, ownership etc all crop up with BF, as far as I can see from here.

I do find reassurances that my breasts will still be my own, just on helpful 'loan'! MUCH more helpful than breezy assertions about how I'm not supposed to care about my 'dignity', etc.

It's worth adding that I've found pregnancy SO much more enjoyable/comfortable/non-disturbing than I thought I might [I'm 37 weeks now and have been one of those lucky women who just have it easy] - so passionberry, I'm hoping that BF-ing will be as you describe, and I can easily relate the small person on the outside of me to the small person hiccuping and rolling around inside me.

I've also had a really lovely MW throughout my pregnancy, who is aware of my b/g, and is v confident and sensitive in how she discusses things and behaves around me.

So, who knows. I'm not running to meet trouble re: BF-ing, I really just posted to say that people like me might well have ishoos around our bodies, breasts and breast feeding, but not necessarily because we are silly and trivial, or don't know what our breasts are 'for.'

Anyway - thanks for the kind thoughts, much appreciated.

I feel very anxious about bfeeding in public, to the point where I'd always rush back home, or go into another room, or get very hot and uncomfortable - and my DS would pick up on this and be very squirmy.

So...I know some people think this is precious and a bit silly, but i bought one of those strange bfeeding cover things. Just in black and very plain. It covers my boobs completely. Now I do feel a little more covered and relaxed. i even bfed in front of my very straightlaced fil, and felt ok.

I know you're not supposed to be embarrassed, it's natural and people shouldn't be disapproving etcetera, but I just couldn't help feeling embarrassed. I felt as if everyone was staring at me and my droopy boobs...

Just incase anyone else feels the same. I could never bfeed discretely any way - my boobs felt too big and my milk sprayed everywhere and I was just too anxious.

Also just to say I had post natal anxiety which didn't help!

I also find bfeeding boring - but watch (when I can) Spartacus: Blood and Sand whilst at home, which livens things up a bit! (very racy terrible American Sky serial - brilliant!)

I never BF in public, only in Mothercare's toilets where they had a bench for mothers to BF.
I saw a woman in public BF'ing in the cafe and just days before myself and DP had been saying how it should be fine for woman to do it in public and couldnt understand why people didnt like it...Then WE see it and he starts acting like a 12 yo and pointing and poking his mate saying "OMG LOOK!!!!" I was so ashamed of him.
That is why I wont BF in public.

Oh I'm so glad this thread is going well, IYSWIM! I started it in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, and you never know how these things will go.

I really think it is helpful to see how many different feelings there are about bf. None are right or wrong, they're just how different women feel at different times. I think it helps people who are supporting bf mums to be aware of the many unspoken thoughts that are out there. I don't mean this as a negative thing (although some of the feelings expressed could be viewed as negative) and wouldn't want anyone to feel put off, certainly not by anything I've experienced. Overall my bf experiences have been very positive, but there have been a few thoughts I wouldn't discuss in RL.

I'll add another one, and I guess it's a biggy. I worry that my terrible birth and bf experiences with dc1 early on have permanently affected our bond . Maybe the reality is that he's a different personality and we do get on just fine, but we aren't as close and I do wonder if those very dark early weeks played a role. I do not wish I'd given up bf, though I do wish we'd got off to a better start and been supported better.

Guess we ought to have some more unspoken positives as well