Feelings about bf people don't talk about

[Brollyflower]

It seems to me that there is often a lot unsaid about people's feelings towards breastfeeding, because people are worried what others might make of their feelings. I wondered if it was worth starting a thread on this so we can see the range of attitudes/concerns out there?

I'll start us off. I have breastfed all my 3 dcs. It never occurred to me to do anything else. When expecting dd1 I remember wondering if bf a girl would be 'weird' somehow, as only male people (i.e. dh and ds) had previously been near my breasts. My own thoughts surprised me, as I'd breastfed ds into toddlerhood without any conflicting emotions. Fortunately, once dd was born it seemed just as natural as it had with ds, despite the odd blip here and there.

Gosh BabyDubs, BF completely aside, you need to get some help about how you view yourself.

It is very sad to see someone be so hard on themselves. Have you talked to anyone about this?

I FF 5 dc and was determined to succeed BF baby no 6 which I managed and she is now a year old and to be honest somedays I wish I hadn't started.

I feel it is a big factor in of why I am suffering such severe depression.

Everytime my dd sees me she wants boob I can't cuddle her without her wanting to feed I have had to cancel nights out and have basically stopped going out because dd can't be without me.

I have had arguments with family members because I am depressed and irrational die to lack of sleep.

She dosen't sleep much and I am a snappy moody cow towards dp and my other children.
Everything has changed and I hate it.

Don't get me wrong we have had some lovely moments and I wouldn't be without her I just wish I had formula fed.

I know some people will flame me for my next comment but I will advise my daugters when the time comes NOT to breastfeed because it is a nightmare.

Yes but people dont really know what to say back, not that its a big problem, we all have our crosses to bare i supose. I just dont like that it effects my DC, and as they are only 1 and 2 it only been BF that its influenced dramtically. I want to be jealous of BF in a 'wish i could have' way, as logically that would be 'right' but all i feel is 'bleugh' and i know that is so wrong.

My Dsis had a baby last year, i went through everything with her, all the positions, the feelings, what to expect, i read everything, theres little i dont know i encouraged at everyturn, but i was so relieved when she didnt feed him.

I've not admitted it but I was surprised at how ashamed I felt when I tried to bf DS in public. The look of pity from my friend who was easily feeding her baby with formula at the same time really upset me.

Now I'm upset at myself for the shame I've been feeling, especially as I'd initially been so proud that bf-ing was going so well after DS's stint in neonatal intensive care being tube fed for the first week of his life

Having thought about it a little more, I think what surprised me was how seeing my friend feeding her baby with formula from a bottle somehow looked 'natural', whereas me sticking my giant inflated ugly boob in my baby's mouth somehow seemed 'unnatural' and grotesque.

Not sure why these feelings should suddenly have surfaced, it never occurred to me to do anything other than bf too

Not sure if I feel better or worse for having admitted this!!

comewhinewithme "I will advise my daugters when the time comes NOT to breastfeed because it is a nightmare."

It would be very wrong to do that and you would be letting them down badly. For millions of women it is a very positive experience - and hopefully will be for them one day too.

I'm sure you are speaking out of exhaustion and frustration. You should get some professional advice on how to wean your dd off bfing, for both your sakes. You've done a whole year - that's amazing! Give yourself a break.

BabyDubs You have some rather extreme feelings about bfing which clearly stem from something deeper within you. You sound so sad, I wish I could say something to help. But I don't really know why you are beating yourself up about it. You found it "icky" for whatever reason so you didn't do it. Fair enough. Maybe just try letting it go now, it's not as though it's something you face on a daily basis is it? We all find things weird - I, for example, find something very icky which I would not even reveal on here because I would get roasted. But I have to look away if I see it and thinking about it makes my skin crawl too. We all have stuff like this deep down. Obsessing about it only makes it worse.

I breastfed DD (now 2.5 yo) for 12 months. I had an awful birth and she was a very unsettled baby, cried constantly in the day. I didn't bond with her until she was well over 1 yo. I had severe PND. I had no "good" feelings about bf (although never found it icky/unsettling either - it was just a chore, really) but carried on because it felt like the only thing I was doing "right" by my DD. It was DD who stopped shortly before her first birthday. She would latch on then pull away crying and eventually refused to feed from me. I should have been relieved but I was heartbroken. DD had her last bit of, what had to be, expressed breastmilk on her 1st birthday.

However, my PND became considerably better once I stopped bf and I am convinced there was a connection between the two, whether hormonal, social (I too could not bf away from home and hated going to any groups because DD cried through them) or physical (no longer had the back and wrist pain I suffered for 12 months). Also (sorry if this bit is TMI), I couldn't have sex until I stopped bf because my cervix remained soft until after bf stopped. Relationship with DH improved considerably post bf!

Odd, when I've mentioned this PND/bf connection to healthcare professionals, none has seemed surprised by it or has dismisssed it....but you never hear anything about any possible link (well I never have). Perhaps it's just me, depression and hormonal imbalances have been linked, I believe.

I'm now mother of DS aged 2.5 weeks and am bf again despite experience with DD and I will try to bf for at least 12 months. DD is a rubbish/very fussy eater, but has always been fairly healthy and bright as a button, so I'm holding onto the thought that the 12 months of pnd hell with DD were worth it. Have had 2 lovely weeks with DS, but first signs of low spirits kicked in yesterday. He seems to be hanging off my boobs constantly, so I'm putting it down to being tired/drained.

However, I am determined to try to keep the blues at bay, and do not want bf to be the casualty, so no hiding indoors for me. DD won't let me anyway. I've bf in public this time since day 1, at the park, in the cafe, at DD's group activities, and I don't give a toss if people stare or don't like it.

Sorry for the essay, but thanks for this thread, it's nice to get the chance to talk about these things.

I agree totally with solongasitshealthy's response to comewhinewithme. You may have had a negative experience this time but there is no guarantee that it would be the same for your daughters. They might miss out on wonderful breastfeeding experiences because you talked them out of even trying

Why not encourage them to try and support them if they want to swap to formula later? I've had two massively different experiences with my two children - you might love it if you were to ever try again - but you'd deny your girls the chance of finding out for themselves because you don't like it!? Seems quite selfish IMO.

Lots more views today I see. It's nice to see everyone being so respectful and accepting of each other's feelings. It's only by talking about these things we stand a chance of understanding them a little better perhaps.

Babydubs -your views don't shock me, I think perhaps many people feel this way but as it seems taboo in RL it's v hard to discuss. You don't come actoss as uneducaated or bigoted . We can't help our feelings and I'm sure you'd never let another mother know that seeing bf made you uncomfortable, as you seem v considerate.

Comewhine -your experience must have been v difficult for you to describe it in such strong terms and to feel you'd not want your daughters to go through the same . Every mum and baby pair is different, so their experiences might be v different from yours anyway perhaps?

Mummynookah -to bf in public despite feeling ashamed must be really hard for you. What a brave thing to do for your ds.

Bagofrefreshers -thanks for sharing your experience. Unpicking bf, PND and the whole postnatal experience is so complicated isn't it, and so different for each person. For some, like you, there is the strong sense that bf made things worse. For others, bf is something v important to hang onto in the face of all else seeming impossible. Just shows how important it is for health professionals to treat every person as an individual.

Zuzu -do the hosp still have your milk? Milk can be stored for up to 6 months in a proper freezer, so if you have any use for it in the immediate future it might still be OK if you can retrieve it?

Interesting points about lactating breasts and sex and their dual role. Breasts are a v important part of sex life for me and dh and always have been. During the first 6 months or so of my babies' lives I have found my libido practically zero. Whether this is tha baby, the tiredness, the lack of opportunity or the bf I do not know. Having a fanjo dryer than a desert at that time doesn't help, which I guess is linked to bf suppressing fertility. Perhaps nature doesn't expect new mums to be at it like rabbits . During the first 6-12 months when bf is frequent I find that I don't like my breasts being involved in sex at all. It's partly the sensitivity, but mostly that they just don't feel like that's their function at that time. Later on in bf I find them to be quite happily dual function. In fact, this seems to co-incide with my periods returning and my libido too . I don't generally leak milk during sex, but it wouldn't bother me or dh in the slightest if I did, it might just cause a bit of giggling.

Very interesting thread! 7 months in, I've hads days of loving and hating bf. I've spent s lot of time fantasizing about giving it up. Mainly, I admit ashamedly, because I want to wear some of my non-booby-accessible wardrobe.... How pathetic is that??
It wasn't until DS went on nursing strike for ten days that I realised how much I love it and I've decided I'll be feeding him until at least a year - unless he has other ideas!
The weird thing I've felt is absolute hatred and disgust at my boobs. I've spent my whole life wanting bigger boobs and now I have then they make me feel disgusting. Like chopping them off I feel like I did when I went through puberty - all embarrassed and uncomfortable in my own skin. Weird.