Feelings about bf people don't talk about

[Brollyflower]

It seems to me that there is often a lot unsaid about people's feelings towards breastfeeding, because people are worried what others might make of their feelings. I wondered if it was worth starting a thread on this so we can see the range of attitudes/concerns out there?

I'll start us off. I have breastfed all my 3 dcs. It never occurred to me to do anything else. When expecting dd1 I remember wondering if bf a girl would be 'weird' somehow, as only male people (i.e. dh and ds) had previously been near my breasts. My own thoughts surprised me, as I'd breastfed ds into toddlerhood without any conflicting emotions. Fortunately, once dd was born it seemed just as natural as it had with ds, despite the odd blip here and there.

I have recently stopped bfing and days like today where she is tired and miserable from teething i have really missed being able to feed her and comfort her.

However if you'd have asked me a few months ago i would have said how tired an drained i was from bfing her constantly all night. She is the first of my four that i had managed to bf so i wanted it to keep going for as long as possible but by 18 months i'd had enough of the pawing and ripping at my clothes! I do miss the physical feeling of relief that my breast had been emptied, it was such a warm feeling similar to being full up after a meal.

I feel occasional irritation. DS2 is a big feeder, he usually does around 2 hours between feeds and likes to have both breasts twice at each feed.

With the heat lately this has dropped to needing a drink every hour or so.

When we are home it is fine, I often just lie down in the bed with him so we don't get too sweaty, but when out and about we both get a bit sweaty and hot.

So feeling a bit irritated at the constant close contact when hot!

Re the thing about sexual feelings while feeding...it's only really, really rarely that I've ever felt any glimmer of it but I do feel that in a totally different way, breastfeeding is something I prefer to do in private.

I've been leered at by male friends (not in an overtly aggressive way but quite subtly) and it makes me feel horrid.

I will occasionally feed ds in front of a visitor but honestly, I absolutely prefer not to do so - and I certainly don't do it in town (even when he was tiny I would go somewhere very hidden as soon as I could when he cried)

I don't feel comfortable doing it in a cafe or anywhere else among strangers but then I am not a socially minded person anyway.

It's perhaps the fallout from the terrible experiences of it I had with ds1, when there were awful comments and looks from strangers and it was just too much for me to take.

Don't get me wrong, I admore and feel no tension with other mothers feeding in public, and I would defend to the hilt their right to do so as freely as they wish.

But it's not for me and I felt so much better when I stopped forcing myself to go out and about when ds2 was little...if we had to be at home so he could feed, we limited our journeys that day. It felt totally justified.

Barkfox -thank you for sharing that with us. I hope you have a positive experience, whether you bf or not .

Like others, I too have experienced the mild arousal thing, but only on about 3 occasions when bf while pregnant. I found it extremely unsettling and wanted to stop each feed immediately.

I must say I also find feeding toddlers v pesky at times, what with all the wriggling, pulling, endless suckling to sleep etc. Not all like that of course, but sometimes.

I used to think my breasts were one of my finest features but now (if they happen to be out at the weekend) I generally think of the look I had from the midwife and breast feeding support team and the notes they made - "mother has short nipples".

I have been very jealous of women that experience successful breastfeeding and have cried when I dropped a breastpump full of an hours worth of milking.

I don't think my PFB ever successfully fed from the breast but sometimes I still get a bit milk leaky.

I will try again.

Is this what confession feels like?

I will try again with the next one, not PFB who prefers naan bread at the moment.

Good luck Barkfox.

I found it difficult to feed DD now 3 as she just didn't want to feed - I'd latch her on and she would immediately sleep. It got to a point where I couldn't bear her to latch on as it hurt so much so I gave up and felt horribly guilty about it.

I'm still feeding DS (8m). It is going well and I'm glad I can feed him but we're having real problems with manners and seperation anxiety. He wants to be able to handle my breasts all the time so will be trying to fish them out of my top while at the supermarket. If anyone else holds him he screams and screams. I'm feeling a bit touched out and fed up with the whole thing atm. I would like to carry on feeding him till he's at least one but wish he would take a bottle of ebm every now and then.

What a fascinating thread. I used to hate feeding in public and now, 3 dcs on, I still hate it but really don't care! I don't like bf much really and whilst I've been lucky enough to find it easy, I've done it more because of convenience, cost and that it's 'normal' amongst friends and family.

There can't be many things more amazing than skin-to-skin contact with your baby and I must admit to feeling jealous when my dh could enjoy this without the babies getting fussy or hungry. They always relaxed and dozed on him whilst I ended up feeling like a liquid buffet. In the early days of dd1, feeding her in the middle of the night, I cried and cried and felt completely alone. Despite my dhs support in all other ways, it was only through bf that I knew it was all down to me.

I too have had sensual feelings whilst feeding. These sensations horrified me and adversely affected the way I felt about my breasts in general and in sexual relations with dh. I'm disappointed to see that a couple of posters have dismissed this as 'normal'. Seeing the tone of this thread, I'm sure that people were trying to be supportive but to me, these feelings weren't 'nice'. They certainly weren't 'pleasurable'. (Surely pleasure is all about context.) And, unfortunately it reduced the bond I felt with my baby because of the abhorrence I felt. And no, I don't feel guilty or have issues with my body/bodily functions. It was just not nice for me.

I loved bfing and I miss the feeling of DD sucking at my breast. It's so close, and it felt so good that I was the only one able to give her the nutrition she needed, and I totally believed in that breast milk is magic and can heal everything - although of course it isn't.

Also my breasts had a purpose for the very first time. They are usually so small that they are practically not there at all, but on day 3 after having DD1 I got up with porn star boobs. I loved it

I struggled to get started feeding with DS and by 6 months when he was dropping weight and the HV's were telling me he needed formula, I was more than happy to give it and have my body back.

It's been completely different with DD. We hit off feeding right from the start and it's been going really, really well. She's now 6.5 months and I cannot bear the thought of giving up now! This time it's easy and it's nice and I'm loving it.

I'm amazed at how different it's been.

What an interesting thread.

I had an awful pregnancy, twins - I suffered every symptom going, twice. Awful c-sect, lost lots of blood, didn't see girls for about 12 or so hours (they were taken straight to SCBU, I was in private ward with 1 to 1 nursing).

It took me and DH 4 years to conceive and breastfeeding a baby was something I had fantasised about.

I started feeding them in SCBU, once or twice a day, all other feeds were through nasal tubes, I was expressing like crazy.

When we got them home after 3 weeks, they still weighed only 3ish and 4ish pounds. Trying to get my ginormous boobs in their mouths was no mean feat, we had lots and lots of problems with latching for both of them, and sought advice from breast feeding groups and counsellours (sp). Luckily they are both quick feeders, when I did eventually get them to latch!

We persevered, lots of support from DH. Almost 6 months on, we are all very good at bf. I now look down at my gorgeous girls and tell them off for smiling at me when they are meant to be concentrating on feeding. It is the most natural and wonderful thing.

I happily now feed in public, in front of friends and family, men and women!

I feel like I may have rambled a little! I'm so very proud of all of us and am loving it, I will breast feed forever!

The only real negative for me now is my boobs are huge and to me are unattractive. Hopefully one day they may shrink a little!

Interesting thread, lots of positive stories.

I never found it awkward bfing in public, and was quite amazed actually at how comfortable I was feeding in front of my fil, my brothers, just about anyone! Normally I'm very self-conscious about my body, but it didn't bother me.

I think the 'confession' feeling for me though was the resentment I felt towards my DD in the first few weeks when she needed yet another feed and I was just craving sleep. I felt like saying 'why can't you just leave me alone?'. My DH was so helpful with everything else- nappy changes, the house, cooking, amusing DD when she was awake- but for a while I really hated having to do every single feed. And then felt so guilty for having those feelings... And I never really particularly enjoyed feeding in the way that some people do, I was glad that I could do it, but not really a bonding experience IMO, just fairly boring but also a good excuse to sit down for a bit.

(OTOH though, I knew perfectly well that I could have given DD a ff at any time, there was no external pressure to bf it was all my own stubborness!)

Gosh that's interesting hopalong, I'm to admit I'd totally forgotten the feelings of resentment I had with ds (pfb) when his cries for food interrupted whatever I was doing. It's a strong word, but I remember it clearly now being as you describe. 5 years on I guess I have got so used to being at everyone's beck and call that when baby needs feeding I usually welcome the chance to sit down. Funny how things change .

I also agree with Marjean about the sensual feelings. I could not accept them as pleasurable and have certainly never been a common or frequent part of bf for me, thankfully. It made me want to put my toddler down and run away screaming . I can, however, accept that others may well feel differently and it is very interesting to hear all the perspectives .

CornishKK -I've never done confession, but maybe ? I have cried over spilt milk, and know many other women who have too .

Have just realised that this was a thread about feelings you don't talk about, and I've just crapped on about stuff.
Sorry.
However, my above post is not something I've talked about to anyone apart from DH, so maybe it counts a little!

barkfox. Only quick one as I need to sleep.

I was raped and felt deeply conflicted about my body and was in denial about feeding, but 20 months down the line I reaaly feel it has healed me. Given me something back. Something womanly and personal and confident and I feel more in control.

The only downside is that until a month ago I was demand feeding and she was waking frequently and taking so long to settle, so i'm night weaning a la jay Gordon. And finding it hard/easy/hard. Feel conflicted as it goes against the grain, but 38 years old, still no period, I want a return to fertility.

Best of luck

I am soo scared of that last breast feed. I know I will have to give it up as don't want to undergo extended breast feeding. Think and know DP wants a chance etc to feed his DD. I think we become sooooo emotionally attached to breast feeding ...in the end? I am dreading giving it up but some days think...wow wich I could just give her a bottle when I want to? wow how easy would that be???/ Surley do we think this sometimes

Fifilottie . Hope you find a way through that feels right. Sometimes taking it one day at a time can help without planning too far ahead? You're not alone in thinking from time to time that perhaps giving a bottle might be easier .

ZuzuandZara -nothing wrong with your post , you said what was personal to you. Not many of us have experienced twins, SCBU etc, so well done for getting through all that. Interesting that you say you'd fantasised about breastfeeding. It was something you really saw yourself doing and looked forward to, but wasn't in reality quite how you imagined, at least initially perhaps?

In response to the original post - that's something I'd not thought of for a while but when ds was born and the midwife put him to my nipple it felt very weird as the only people to touch my nipples in that way had been sexual partners, though that feeling lasted for about 5 seconds until he started suckling (and then I vomited on him, but that's another story!)

We have a strange relationship with nipples in this country - fine to have pictures of them on full display in tabloid and jazz publications but not ok for a hungry baby to feed in public.

Oh aye, whilst I'm on one, breastfeeding feels like a cheesegrater is being scraped against your nipples for the first couple of weeks, and you wince when baby first latches on in those weeks, but afterwards it's so relaxing you don't want it to ever end.

I think the resentment thing is pretty common. It takes quite a large gear change to go from free and an independent person to being constantly attached to someone else, even when that someone else is your little baby.

I too found it much easier second time around. With DS1 I often dreaded him waking up and having to feed him again because for some bizarre reason I was trying to get him to work with me. With DS2 I have just gone with him and let go, so much better all round!

We did still have a couple of evenings where I would give him to DH to let him suck his finger because the cluster feeding was doing my head in a bit, but we got through it and BF is great and definitely the easy option now.

Spilling pumped breastmilk has made me cry before as well.

I was happy bfing for ages, even though my DS fed every two hours until about 7 or 8 months. But now that he hardly feeds at all, morning, evening, once at night and once during the day it's starting to piss me off, like the hormones have worn off or something. He bites and paws and pulls my hair which is really annoying. I want to feed him to a year and I fantasise about stopping, but I also don't want to stop and fear losing the thing that settles him at night when nothing else works.

I feel very conflicted about it.

For me, BF is a lovely, comforting feeling. Like holding hands or a (platonic) cuddle. It makes me slightly drowsy and very chilled and fortunately I haven't found it at all arousing.

In the early days when DS fed the whole time, it used to bug me after a while and the feeling would become less maternal and I'd get an image in my head of a clothes peg tugging away at my nipple.

BUT it has changed completely how I see my boobs wrt sex. I find during sex that I find it completely de-arousing to have DH touch my boobs - they are so de-sexualised now. In fact I feel uncomfortable when DH messes about with them and completely eeeeeew at the thought that I might start leaking or DH might ingest milk. Yukity yuk yuk yuk. Shudder.

So from that point of view I'll be glad to get my own body back but I'm dreading that last feed. Ho hum.

I agree about the "de-sexualisation" of breasts during/post bfing. I have been doing it now for almost 5 months and I don't like them to be touched as they are very sensitive. I don't want to put DH off his stride though so I try not to make a fuss. He has been brilliant about bfing, very encouraging, used to help me latch baby on in the early days.

I have loved bfing - not all the time mind, such as at 3:15am this morning, then I could really have done without it. But generally it's been a lovely experience. And I have really surprised myself by how at ease I am with doing it in public. I have never had a bad reaction from anyone, I fed only yesterday on a bench in a busy shopping centre and I don't think anyone batted an eyelid. I suppose it's back to the de-sexualisation thing, I don't feel I am doing anything inappropriate by whipping by boob out because I'm so used to it now. But six months ago I would have been mortified.

noblegiraffe I also fear a time when the guaranteed baby-soother will no longer work!

Thank you otchayaniye, that's good to hear.

Brollyflower, thanks.

It was just the dream of having a baby and breastfeeding, never, ever thought it would be a reality. And it is, times two
On day 5 of the girls being in SCBU, when I first put one of them to my breast it was so unreal, but it was real. I just remember grinning in a nervous way at my DH, what on earth was I doing?!

I expressed way more milk than was needed while the girls were in hospital, I was expressing for the demand of the pump, not my babies. When they left SCBU I had about 20 bottles of expressed milk in the SCBU freezer, forgot to take it home, kept thinking we'll go back for it and never did.

I still feel hugely gutted that it all went to waste. I didn't really need it but it was my precious milk ifkwim.

It was a shame I coulnd't donate it as I had had blood transfusions after the c-sect.

Feeling people dont talk about, well, i only ever say this online no-one knows my real feelings on this subject.

I didnt manage to feed either of mine at all. Me and my 3 siblings were all breastfed for 2plus years each. This fact alone makes me feel sick, ashamed, and squirmy! (yes i know thats wrong but its really how i feel.)

All through my first pregnancy i told everyone i was going to breastfeed. I lost sleep over the thought that i would have to do this. i was hoping DS wouldnt latch that first time i tried so i wouldnt havre to i would have an excuse. Thank god thats exactly what happend. I couldnt have fed him. I feel terrible things about my body and the thought of exposing myself to my poor son made my skin crawl. I wouldnt pick him up unless fully clothed for god sake, let alone flop a saggy disgusting boob im his face! My main worry was that he would grow up thinking the way i looked was acceptable and go out and find someone who looked like me. i know this makes little sense but its what i felt.

I had my DD 14 months after my DS was born, i used the excuse that i couldnt sit on my arse all day breastfeeding as i had DS to look after too. Complete bollox i know, but it was the excuse i needed to get me off the hook.

I dont feel comfortable with other people feeding. I know thats wrong aswell. I will always leave the area quick smart.

Im not an uneducated bigot, i have read every thread going about this, i read all the literature to educate myself, i hate my feelings on this subject and i feel sorry for my children because i couldnt put them first. I have been tortured my this mentally since the very begining of my first pregnancy. I know its wrong and i wish id found a way to overcome these feelings so i could have done whats best for my babies