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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

It's so unfair - I just want to be able to BF my babies

106 replies

Fruitbatlings · 12/12/2009 19:54

I so need to get over this. I don't know if I need to see someone to help me get over it. Seeing all these threads about how crap FF is and how wonderful BFing is has really got to me tonight.
I couldn't feed either of my DS's as I have crap breasts thanks to PCOS causing them to be tubular hyperplastic. It's just so unfair. I know I should count myself lucky to have children at all. I find it so difficult as a lot of friends have had babies at the same time or just after me and some of them can go on a bit about bfing their babies. It really hurts, especially as they know I'm struggling to get over it - not that they should have to hide BFing from me at all. I usually try to change the subject but it doesn't work very well. Why can't I just accept it and get over it? My two DS's are so perfectly healthy and haven't suffered for being formula fed. It's just another kick in the teeth every time I prepare a bottle.

I should be incredibly grateful for formula but it seems to be deemed the height of evilness on MN

Just ranting but thanks for reading anyway, sigh........

OP posts:

Pannacotta · 12/12/2009 22:26

Perhaps it worth remembering that breastfeeding really isn't the norm in the UK and that this brings its own issues with it.
I b-fed DS1 till he was 2 and am b-feeding DS2 who is 2.6.

But I dont feel comfortable telling my friends I'm still feeding, many of them badgered me when I was feeding DS1 beyond 6 months and lots of people told me to give them formula as babies, including my GP at my 6 week check (no reason to do so)...

I never felt entirely comfortable b-feeding out and about and never fed either of them in public after the age of 1.

So it goes both ways tbh...

chegirlwithbellson · 12/12/2009 22:40

It does go both ways and its total crap both ways.

I have seen threads on this and other forums kick off over and over again.

Its so sad and pointless. They always get personal. Breastfeeding nazis and lazy chavvy bottle feeders FFS.

Women either feel that they are being bullied into bf or that they are not getting enough info.

I think the drive to encourage bf is good but I do feel that there should be much more information about safe formula feeding. How are you supposed to know how to sterilize, make up bottles and store milk unless someone at least points you in the right direction?

No one should be made to feel guilty about how they feed their baby and no-one should make assumptions about why they are doing it.

LeoniedElf · 12/12/2009 22:41

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WilfSell · 12/12/2009 23:12

I need to sort myself out? I have never, ever as far as I recall anyhow, been insulting to someone on a BF thread except when they use phrases like a 'BF nazi', 'militants'. Which frankly does make someone a fucking idiot.

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 08:43

Well done Leonie That is exactly what I longed for if I'd have had normal breasts but I pulled the short straw

I would have fed for as long as possible. I certainly wouldn't have been ashamed to feed in public.
I'm far more ashamed to FF.
Yes BFing should be normalised. Where I live (a very mixed bag of people) most people I see feeding are BFing, and I go to a lot of coffee shops playgroups

I think BFing is getting far more recognised. People I know who weren't even going to give BFing a try ending up BFing and enjoyed it!

I do think health care professionals should be more aware of BFing problems. No one knew of my problem. I was practically laughed at and told to feed more often WTF?

Hyperplastic Tubular breasts is a condition which many women have and don't even know it. I only found out through MN.

I'm sure there are a lot of other conditions which can ruin BFing which no one really knows much about. It's really sad.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 13/12/2009 09:20

Yep, I've only heard about it through MN and know nothing about it! Sorry you have been let down

jellybeans · 13/12/2009 09:53

I tried to bf all mine and managed varying times between 10 days to 11 months. I felt guilty every time I gave up but in my eyes I tried and that's all that matters. I never found bf easy and the only reason I stuck it with DS until 11 months is that this time I felt more informed and encouraged to carry on (HV encouraged me to ff with DD1). So I think the push on bf is good but it has to also not make those who cannot bf feel bad.

IBlameThePMT · 13/12/2009 10:06

Nope wilf, still fail to see how the un-intelligence of 'you are a fucking idiot' raises the level of debate above monkey's initial post. Hardly informative, considered or rational.

I am pro BF incidentally, BF both of mine, but am also aware how hard it is for many and don't feel I am in a position to judge others. BF versus FF is too narrow a definition of good parenting IMO.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 10:18

loads of us out there it looks like. cant win either way. there is a thread on here about being proud of the time you have bf which is great. Yes its hard and i think mums who were not able to bf are hard on themselves unessessarily including myself but would never want to make mothers who have bf feel bad thats not what its about and same on ff mums as there is always a reason as to why

teameric · 13/12/2009 10:24

I wasn't able to breastfeed, both my DC's had to have formula and both are bright and healthy. Thats all I need to worry about

CornishKK · 13/12/2009 10:29

I'm not getting sucked into the BF vs FF debate, not again. There are some fairly unsympathetic posters on here and I don't need their input.

OP, I couldn't breastfeed and was absolutely devastated. Spent a lot of the first month of my PFB's life crying and trying to express. The breast pump is in the attic now, I have a 4.5 month old, beautiful, happy, healthy son and that's all I care about.

Heading towards weaning now so a whole new world of guilt, judging and failure is waiting I'm sure

LeoniedElf · 13/12/2009 12:11

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Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 14:35

You are absolutely correct Leonie - I have hypOthyroidism so assumed it would also be hypO for the breast condition but websites say HypER for some reason - I've had to self diagnose so just going with what I find on websites.

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Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 14:38

Cornish - no pleased don't get sucked in. This isn't a debate about what's best. I was just having a self indulgent moan about me

Oooh, don't go there with the weaning! I just BLW and do what I think is best. Good luck with it!

OP posts:

you · 13/12/2009 20:38

Oh Fruity

I'm sorry I disapeared on the other other thread, but if you search 'our' thread you'll see the mess I was left in the last time. Can't do it any more. Still cry, still get abgry, still feel guilty. But less and less of the time. Hiding threads helps

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 21:06

hey You! I'll have a look at our old thread. I disappeared on that one. Yes, I know I should hide threads but I think I'm a depression junkie or something

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 21:11

You - I've brought our thread back to life

OP posts:

devotion · 13/12/2009 21:22

Fruitbatlings - sorry to hear you are feeling like this but please try not and beat yourself up about it. There are so many things that us mothers judge ourselves on everyday from feeding, sleep, routines, discipline etc...

I am sure you are a fantastic mum and you want the best for your children and you are giving them that. Breast milk maybe better than formula but its only important for such a short time. As soon as food comes into the equation at 6mths and for the rest of their life you will have more control on what they consume.

Please do not enter those threads about ff v bm they are only filled with negative comments (most of the time) and people just get upset and say really nasty things that they would never normally say in person. I think they are pointless threads!

hairymelons · 14/12/2009 00:07

Fruitbatlings

This may not be helpful but...have you tried thinking about the fact that in a few years time how your babies took in their milk won't matter AT ALL?

...for example, I was BF then spent my teens and early 20's smoking, drinking and all sorts. I still consume far too much alcohol, salt and sugar and never exercise and probably won't live as long as someone who was FF but takes better care of themselves.

I'm not belittling how sad you feel about it or saying that BFing doesn't matter, just saying try to take the long view. The love and emotional support you provide your children with is what matters in the end. I'd encourage anyone that's interested to give BF a go but if it's not happening, please don't waste a precious second giving yourself grief over it.

nappyaddict · 14/12/2009 01:39

Out of interest what are Hyperplastic Tubular breasts and how does it stop you from breastfeeding? I've never heard of it before either.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 14/12/2009 01:57

oh fruitbatlings, i've felt the same but it all does pass ime. it took me sooooo long to find out that a combo of my high bp and pcos was arsing my feeding up, and even when i was armed with this info for dd2 she had the gall to turn up prem so we were disadvantaged in that way... bummer.

my determination now is to get more support for women like us so that problems can be spotted quickly and possibly even before the birth. forewarned is forearmed and all that. if you read the bf/ff threads you'll see that in the end that's all they ever come down to. more support for those of us who want to do it. and part of that, imo, is earlier recognition of those of us for whom it's just going to be a pita from day dot, so that we can make a choice whether or not to proceed with pumping etc.

nappyaddict · 14/12/2009 02:10

Also can't remember who said they had inverted nipples but I hope you got help from your midwife/HV before having to give up I have them too but the MW told me to use a breast pump before a feed to draw them out and make it easier to the baby to latch on. She also put me in touch the the hospital breast feeding counsellor who helped me improve my latch and encourge DS to really open wide and get a good mouthful of breast.

cory · 14/12/2009 08:59

It is a very emotive subject, coming at a time of life when you do feel so vulnerable: I think that's where a lot of the breastfeeding nazis stuff comes from.

Later in life, when your children are older I think it's easier to accept that you may not be able to give them the perfect life in every respect- you realise that nobody else does either. And with that comes less prickliness.

I don't think of people who promote children's exercise or revel in their children's sporting prowess as exercise nazis, just because my own dd uses a wheelchair. I don't think of people who try to get their children into grammar school as education nazis, just because my own ds is struggling academically. I don't think of people whose children have perfect teeth as dental nazis, just because our own visits to the dentist are sometimes fraught with embarrassment. Evidently, all these people are managing something I can't- but I've kind of got used to that.

But when they were tiny, I really did take every aspect of parenting personally, as if I was being judged on every single little thing.

LeoniedElf · 14/12/2009 10:03

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Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 14/12/2009 12:36

You're all lovely, thank you for your comments. I'm normally a very rational person and right now I'm feeling fine about it again - probably because of you lovely lot

I know my babies are absolutely fine and it hasn't made a jot of difference to them and they will probably do things that I don't want them to do in the future, but it's just me. I wanted to do it for me as well as the children. I just get this awful burning jealousy which I just need to get over.

Leonie - what a lovely thing to have done Re the biting - yes I have a very good friend who completely stopped after being bitten once - a real shame. I think she may have been looking for excuses though as I don't think she was really enjoying it (fair enough) and this was the perfect opportunity.

Nappy - It's when the milk producing glands haven't been developed properly during puberty - likely due to PCOS which I also have (as well as a hypoactive thyroid - lucky me, dodgy hormone woman).
It makes breasts look far apart and kind of sock like, or as the name suggests, like a tube, long and quite a bulbous areola. If you google it, you'll see lots of examples. It basically means that you can't produce enough milk to sustain a baby. I could squeeze a teeny tiny bit out and I fed DS one exclusively for 2 weeks and DS2 for 3 weeks. Unfortunately they both lost a lot of weight even though I was barely getting 10 minutes rest between feeds. They fed and fed and fed and just never filled up. I only found out, once I'd had DS2, from someone on MN who posted a link and I realised my weirdo looking boobs were actually like that for a reason and there were others who had the same.

I went to the GP armed with information expecting to be prescribed some Domperidone to increase my milk production but she just sat there grinning at me and told me to feed more often - obviously I hadn't tried that No body seems to know anything about it and it's so frustrating

OP posts:

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