Can I ask something about breastfeeding that I haven't seen talked about here before please.

[suwoo]

Am pregnant with no3 and am really desperate to breastfeed this time. I have researched Kellymom, have been to my local baby bistro and met all the peer supporters and got all their numbers and been to the breastfeeding workshop at the hospital.

I have nursing bras, a cushion, lansinoh, breast shields (for emergencies), breast shells and every other feasible accessory.

The thing is I have always had a funny relationship with my boobs. I developed really early and by the time I was 14 I was a 30E. I was sexually active then and very popular .

I was sexually assaulted (although never really thought it was that at the time) almost every day by the boys at school who used to rip off my shirt and grope my boobs. I was also groped twice on the street by male strangers .

I had a breast reduction at 19 on the NHS as I was a bit fucked in the head .

The main reason I didn't persevere with bf with my other two DC, is that is just felt so sexual. It felt exactly the same as how it feels when DH is doing it when we are having sex IYKWIM.

Can I get past this? Does it feel different after a few days?

It just felt so weird and pervy, how can I change my attitude so this doesn't cause me to stop feeding again.

You, yes please, I would love to have a read of that. Have you had a reduction or do you work for LLL? Please email me on [email protected] and I can sort out postage with you.

Piglet, your third post is much more useful, thank you. Your 1st was dismissive and didn't answer my question. It is very interesting what you say about your SIL as it seems she never to have got over that association .

Olihan, with this pregnancy I am not bothered at all. DH hates anything physical (sexual or otherwise) when I am pregnant, he hasn't felt any of them move. In my last pregnancy I was rampant .

I have found myself touching/fondling my boobs a lot recently, I think I am subliminally telling myself that bf is their purpose. I am also trying to get used to 'innocuous' touching rather than it all being about sex.

Good point, thanks.

I have never found bf in any way sexual at all. I think it is because breasts have been sexualised that many think it is though. To be blunt, babies are supposed to suck breasts not men. Men in other societies laugh at men in our country 'acting like babies'. Don't let society warp our ways of thinking.

Hi suwoo,
I can't say I've had exactly the same feelings, but I can see what you mean. I haven't had the same emotional response to BFing as you, but more of an intellectual response, where at times I've looked down at the nursing babe and thought 'this is just so odd...there is a little person lying here sucking on my breast!"...but I think without the physical/emotional response that you have felt (does that make any sense? Sorry if not...36 weeks pregnant and brain disapeared some weeks ago now).

I wonder if it will help to remind yourself that BFing is not sexual, whether or not you feel that it is? So if you are feeding your little one and it feels sexual, you might start to feel awkward or guilty or odd...but would it help to remind yourself that it is not in fact sexual or odd, and that your feeling like it is does not change the fact that its not.

I guess what I'm saying is, your feeling don't represent reality, and maybe if you can remind yourself of that you will be able to get through the toughest early weeks until it starts to feel more 'normal' for you.

Good luck

Have emailed you

Jellybeans, I don't think it is society that has warped me, I think it is deep set thoughts from my adolescence. As I have said repeatedly throughout the thread, I know that is what breasts are for and I overwhelmingly want mine to nourish my child in that way too. I am not saying I only want to hear the opinions of people who agree with me, but I am looking for reassurance not dismissiveness.

Thanks astrophe, that is very helpful and I think I have been doing that already without really realising it.

yes, sounds like you have suwoo I really hope things work out for you this time.

Thats good Swoo mabey i did not explain that well as it was a rushed post due to dd wanting my attention. Yes my SIL expresses about 4 times a day her LO is 6 months and it restricts her, it is so much easier to just pop the LO onto her breast but she is very uncomfortable with the idea and bf infront of people even family is a no no. ON the Sunday just gone she had to leave our BBQ early to go home and express, so much easier if she just popped her LO on. I guess some people find it difficult to dissasciate breasts with sex and the sensation that bf can give. I think for some people breasts will remain associated with sex. For me they have a multipurpose, not only providing nourishment for your LO but sex as well.

Thanks

Fingers crossed.

I am not as eloquent as some of the others on here, especially flamingobingo and AnarchyAunt who expressed it perfectly.

My own experience, although nothing as traumatic as your own adolescence, is very much of my breasts as sexual. When I was pg I too was rampant and I did worry about the mouth-on-nipple as sexual, bf, confusion...etc.

And it has felt... odd, and nice, in a sort of loving, tingly way- but I have very firmly thought of it as sensual and not sexual, like flamingo suggests. It's that oxytocin- powerful stuff! I think I just go with it and enjoy the feeling- it's meant to feel good and be nice, it's not wrong or dirty.

I guess either you can compartmentalise ('my boobs are now for the baby') or you can try and think of it as sensual/loving with baby and sexual/loving with your sexual partner. I very much like the poster who decided her boobs were hers and neither baby's nor DPs!

God that is so waffly. Hope there's some kernel of usefulness in there!!

The very first time my DS latched on properly felt very weird for me - I was knackered, off my nut on Pethidine and was amazed at how strongly he sucked.

As I got used to it it became less "yikes! that feels funny" and more 'natural' IYKWIM. I also found that if he was latched on properly ie. lots of boob in his mouth, it didn't feel as strange.

I'm also worried about 'compartmentalising' my boobs (is that even a word? ). After my last section we resumed our sex life very quickly and yes my boobs are a big part of that (possibly for me more than DH).

What if that interferes with bf, because I prioritise the sex first.....

I know I'm just rambling now, but I so so want this to be successful.

Not trivialising here; hoping it might help.

1. Helps if you have DSs like mine: lets just say clamp on like vice, hoover on full suck and you'll get the idea. NO remote chance of sensual feelings at all.

1. Does it help to think of other things you might do more than one, erm, thing with?

Lips, ears, necks all erogenous zones; doesn't stop us using them for other purposes. Even - for some people - erm, anuses. Not me though. No way.

Maybe that isn't very helpful. Will get my coat.

No, it is helpful Lupus. Maybe when he is sucking, I'll try to think of my hoover or something....

Lupus makes a lot of sense, I know when I BF, I could feel my stomach muscles tightening, a sort of pulling, not strong or uncomfortable, but a definite feeling.
You could focus on that (and your flat stomach that will come from BF ).

Really, best of luck Suwoo, you clearly want BF to work this time, I so hope it does.

Thats lovely lizzy, thanks.

Good luck! When is LO due?

I haven't got any very useful advice other than to focus on thinking of boobs as primarily for feeding. I've been interested to read (and know that I am not alone) of others who no longer like having their boobs touched by their dps. If dh's mouth goes anywhere near a nipple I can't help but cringe away, maybe when I'm not BF or PG I'll revert to liking it. I just find it revolting now!

Thanks bambipie. I'm booked in for a section 5 weeks tomorrow.

I don't think I really have anything new to add (I think FlamingoBingo got it spot on right at the beginning) but I just wanted to post to wish you the best of luck in succeeding in this - you sound as if you really want to, and you're being realistic in taking things one feed at a time. BF can be a hugely enjoyable and rewarding experience, it takes alot of effort in the beginning but it's worth it.

I found that when I BF my DS I ended up completely de-sexualising my boobs for the first few months - I didn't want DH anywhere near them and I think he felt the same way TBH - their function was to feed DS, not for sex. Perhaps that would help- think of your boobs as functional rather than desirable IYSWIM?

hi suwoo, am late to the thread so will prob be repeating a ton of other posters, so sorry in advance!

anyway, i was thinking about this exact same thing the other night.
I did used to feel almost "aroused" sometimes when feeding ds1 and ds2. am now feeding ds3 and have the same thing this time too.
i've never really talked about it cos it's never really come up in conversation lol, and tbh I guess I did feel kind of like i shouldn't feel that way and that people would think i was very, very peculiar if I mentioned it (online or off)

the way I see it though is that it was/is never a sexual feeling towards my child. it was simply my body responding to a specific physical stimulus in a certain way.
Until I breastfed my breasts had only ever been used in a sexual way. and I guess that your body just gets used to reacting in a certain way to a certain stimulus
does that make sense??

Just skimmed the thread but that first thread linked to was me . I don't have the same history as you but I know exactly the feeling you describe and I didn't like it, not even because it was my baby, but that unfulfilled feeling.

It went after a while and I fed for 14 months in the end.

I don't think it is a psychological response, I think it is purely physiological. I don't know how you can get past it though, just wanted to know that it isn't just you.

Its good to hear someone who knows what I mean yesterday, you summed it up exactly, its not a sexual feeling towards my child, it just replicates the feelings normally associated with 'mouth on nipple'.

Realising how determined I am from the number of threads I'm starting, is spurring me on even more.

Determination is half the battle, and you know what to expect now. Don't put any pressure on yourself but also don't forget that most problems associated with bfing are surmountable if are determined, with judicious use of mumsnet!

Good luck.

It is MN that has made me so determined and I know MN will see me through the inevitable dark times.

I have very very occasionally experienced feelings that are similar to arousal whilst breastfeeding. Each time this has been when I have been feeding during pregnancy. The phenomenon is known and indeed Hilary flower covers in in her book "Adventures in Tandem Feeding". I personally found it repellent and each time it caused me to end that feeding session immediately. I did not want sexual feelings at a time when I was feeding my child. It felt wrong. It has happened less than 5 times in total in over 4 years of breastfeeding.

These sensations are very different from the relaxed 'happy hormone' feelings that I've had washing over me like waves at times when breastfeeding is going well.

There were other nipple discomforts and sensitivities associated with bf during pregnancy. I noticed that these persisted for about 5-6 days after my child was born, and then resolved completely. I wonder if it could be that you might find that the sensation disappears or becomes more bearable after the very first days, especially once your milk is being produced in larger quantities? It's also worth looking into some of the resources on latch (positioning and attachment), e.g. on Kellymom. A baby who is literally sucking on the nipple rather than feeding from the breast may in terms of sensation feel more akin to someone sucking than suckling.

Tracey -I also wondered the same as you before I had a dd, and was equally puzzled by my musings. All I can say is that the moment I held her it couldn't have been further from my mind.