Can I ask something about breastfeeding that I haven't seen talked about here before please.

[suwoo]

Am pregnant with no3 and am really desperate to breastfeed this time. I have researched Kellymom, have been to my local baby bistro and met all the peer supporters and got all their numbers and been to the breastfeeding workshop at the hospital.

I have nursing bras, a cushion, lansinoh, breast shields (for emergencies), breast shells and every other feasible accessory.

The thing is I have always had a funny relationship with my boobs. I developed really early and by the time I was 14 I was a 30E. I was sexually active then and very popular .

I was sexually assaulted (although never really thought it was that at the time) almost every day by the boys at school who used to rip off my shirt and grope my boobs. I was also groped twice on the street by male strangers .

I had a breast reduction at 19 on the NHS as I was a bit fucked in the head .

The main reason I didn't persevere with bf with my other two DC, is that is just felt so sexual. It felt exactly the same as how it feels when DH is doing it when we are having sex IYKWIM.

Can I get past this? Does it feel different after a few days?

It just felt so weird and pervy, how can I change my attitude so this doesn't cause me to stop feeding again.

I'm going to be no help at all because flamingo has put it so beautifully

It is true it is a really sensual experience, and the more sensual I find it, the more oxytocin is released, and the more milk I produce. So the fact that you enjoy it means your production is better and baby gets more of the good stuff.

Just take it a day at a time and never feel guilty or bad about the way that you are feeling. It's normal and natural to enjoy it - keep telling yourself that.

suwoo - my experience is like Lizzyloo's. When I was breastfeeding the first few months, I really had to separate breastfeeding from anything to do with me and DH in 'that department'. It just felt 'not right'. But as time went on, it was less of an issue.

Your experience as a teen might benefit from being talked about - what happened to you was outrageous and shocking and inexcusable. One thing that might be bugging you now is a hidden anger at your younger self for not even realising that this was assault - maybe you need to forgive this younger self and to understand her and comfort her? 'Cos it was not her fault!

A couple of sessions or so with a counsellor (not a breastfeeding counsellor) might just sort you out

Ah right, sorry
I must remember to re-read the op after the other posts!

Yes, Tiktok raises a good point, what happened to you as a teen was assault and counselling may be something to consider?

Thanks tik-tok, really please you made an appearance and particularly that you (of all people) experienced something similar.

No probs Lizzy thanks for your post all the same.

Not much to add apart from you may find this time that your breasts become very very separate from the sexual side of yourself.

By that i mean that when i've been bf (and am also expecting dc3 soon) my breasts become this weird no-go zone for DH - for me i sort of mentally compartmentalise them as for the baby. Once i stop - they become mine/DH's again.

Not sure if that makes sense but thats sort of how i process it.

Best of luck with birth and feeding. I too am having another c-section and will hopefully be bf again.

suwoo, the breast reduction surgery may also impact on your ability to feed. please call a helpline and talk about the surgery too. at work therefore rushing this off.

traceybath, I've found the same thing has happened with us. Well, still bf so have yet to see if they return to their former classification yet

"...my first goal is the 1st feed, then to feed until my milk comes in/ leave hospital. Thats as far as I've got..."

that's the best way to do it. just one feed at a time.

sometimes i do feel quite weird nursing my baby. if i think about what i am actually doing, but I try to think about the baby rather than the boob IYKWIM and that helps.

Yes, I'm still BF BabyG and I don't like DH touching my boobs, I even keep my bra on when we are at it! I frown at him if he goes near

I compartmentalise too, so kind of the opposite of what you're imagining - in that feeding DS is the only sort of touch that I can stand on my breasts at the moment. Not sure that that's a good thing either!
Definitely agree with talking to a bfc, and I also wondered if you knew whether the surgery you had had affected your ability to bf from a physical point of view? It sounds as though you started with the other 2, hopefully that is a good sign.

Whilst we're being open - i have 2 boys who i've bf and am now expecting a girl.

I keep wondering if i'll find bf a girl different/strange/odd and i can not understand myself why i'm thinking like this.

That is exactly what I have thought before Tracey.
I have two boys and remember thinking it would be different somehow to BF a girl.

To those of you who picked up on the breast reduction and the implications of that, I have already looked thoroughly into that. I have had a couple of threads on here about it and have found some excellenet websites dedicated to bf after surgery. I am clinging on to the fact that my milk did come in with my other two DC and that I have had a small amount of leakage already. I have already accepted that the reduction may cause me problems and I can deal with that.

I don't want this 'sexual' mindset to be the undoing though.

glad you have looked into it and it looks good.
You sound really determined!! Good luck

excellent then.

SPB, Sat the 27th still good?

I'm almost certain it is - am waiting for DH to decide if he's working or not - am I OK to let you know tomorrow or do you need to make plans?

I sort of felt a bit like this at first. I worried that I shouldn't like/enjoy the feeling of BF, that it was somehow wrong and that it should just be a system for delivering milk to the baby, not a sensual loving relationship between the two of us.

Understanding the physiology of BF and effects of oxytocin really helps you to get your head round it and understand it as absolutely normal. Its not a feeling you can stop or turn off, its just a normal and necessary response to the suckling action and the release of oxytocin.

Now, I look at it as all being to do with love iyswim? I love my baby, I love my partner. Its ok to relax into it and feel that love strongly and sensually.

I think you should talk about your experiences as a young woman through with someone too. I can see that might have made you very wary of who you allowed to have access to your breasts, and the feelings you allowed yourself to have about them being touched. Even if you don't manage to BF then talking through those horrible experiences will help you.

Good luck

Suwoo,

Although i have not had your experiences, I don't know whether it helps to know that once I start BF, I suddenly feel very strongly that my breasts are there for nurturing my LO and all sexual thoughts go, so much so that if DH comes near them now, that feels a bit "wrong". Hopefully you will find the same if you try this time. Good luck

I think its just getting my head around the fact that they are for the baby not DH, as it is currently feeling 'wrong' for the baby to have them IYKWIM.

I know that thats what they are for of course, its just telling my own brain and deep rooted feelings that, that is the case.

I found it helped me to think of my breasts not as belonging to dh, or my dc, but to ME! That way I was in control of the feelings and could deal with them.

That said, I do get very touched out, and have to push ds off (he is 2.5 and a boob-camper). Strangely, I've never had this sensation with dd, who is 17 weeks.

I think that when we breastfeed we have to learn to trust our bodies and ourselves. Breastfeeding has helped me like my body a little bit more than I did before. Good luck with the feeding, you sound very prepared!

Well Suwoo you asked a question and got an answer. You dont have to agree withit. Are nipples not erogenous zones then, when my two year old tries and puts her hand down my top and tweeks my nipples it does produce a sensation. I guess when you bf you get used to it.

Ok I did not bf for as long as some of you does not mean what i say is wrong, I only bf for only about 2 weeks before milk drying up, but I know that when i first started it felt weird and had to seperate it from DH touching after that i just got used to it. My SIL is exclusively expressing for around 6 months as she finds it hard to dissasociate breasts from being associated with sexual activity which I find so hard.

Just re the reduction surgery, I have a copy of the LLL breastfeeding after reduction book I can lend you if you like? It's the same one advertised on the bfar boards and really good

suwoo, how do you feel about sex in general while you are pg? I found with all 3 of my pgs that the moment the blue line appeared I did not want sex at all. It was like an off switch. It persisted once I was bfing too. I absolutely could not stand dh touching my boobs and if he did then my mood vanished instantly. It was like my body and then my breasts were purely for their biological purpose and nothing else.

So I reacted very strongly in the opposite way to you.

Do you think looking at your boobs and telling yourself that they are being used for their only real purpose and it is entirely natural for a baby to suckle at them? After all, if it wasn't for bfing, we wouldn't have boobs, or react as strongly to them being touched. It's all a biological mechanism for ensuring bfing is successful. The sexual part is merely an added bonus!