Discretion?

[VictorianSqualor]

Your opinion on 'discreet' breastfeeding would be much welcomed.
Thankyou.

Once I got past the leaky phase I didn't even wear a bra. I tended to wear wrap tops or dresses and always carried a big scarf so it was easy to put baby on boob and cover without flashing anything.

I have seen mothers at festivals breastfeeding topless, which as lovely a sight it is, I think should not be done in public.

I'm jealous! I haven't gone braless in years and worn a nursing bra most nights for 2 1/2 years (and regretted not wearing one the other nights!)!

has anyone breastfed at a topless beach?

I am in the UAE at the moment with a 4mo old. I am trying to be conscious of how I feed. It really help doing it the second time around for confidence to do it.

I use wrap slings when out and about and have been able to loosen it and lower dd down and let her feed. There have been more than once where I am feeding standing up with loads other people around. I've seen Muslim women clock on to what is going on and it brings coy smiles to their faces but I haven't seen any man clock on yet.

I always wanted to be able to feed in a sling, but DS wasn't having any of it. I always felt that using a muslin was quite a big faff, BUT had the advantage (?) of clearly indicating that I was feeding my baby. DS from about 4 months on was a great one for popping off and taking a long look around, grabbing said muslin and waving it about, generally wiggling etc so any hope I had for discretion (i.e. not having my breast/tummy exposed) normally disappeared in the course of feeding him. It depended entirely on where I was, in the cinema at a mum & baby screening - everything completely out, no worries about swift covering while he took time out to look at the screen; with my postnatal group - top up, vest down, vague attempt to cover when he looks around; out with DP and mixed group of friends at restaurant etc - muslin or scarf draped over my shoulder so I can cover bare skin. Now I only feed morning & evenings, so don't need to think about it anymore.

I think this is one of those things where you balance a wish not to make people feel uncomfortable (good manners), with a desire for people not to feel uncomfortable in the first place (activism/education). I don't think the decision or priority is going to be the same in every situation.

I became less discreet as time went on. I don't think you could ever see much skin (again, more worried about my tummy than boobs), but I think this is really because the baby covers pretty much everything, don't they?

After the first month or so, I BF'd anywhere and everywhere: churches, pubs, restaurants, shopping centres. I never thought of it as anything other than neccessity. I am really quite shy, so it certainly wasn't aggressively flaunting anything in people's faces.

BF is a personal, not a political act, BUT I do agree with whoever said that you can be so discreet as to make it like a furtive underground movement. I really believe that the best way to encourage more women to BF would be if the people who do BF were to do so more publicly and openly.

Mostly I don't think about it. DS2 lifts my top and points to the one he wants, I unhook the bra and he pops himself on . I don't think anyone can see much, but it is obvious that we are feeding - something I'm enormously proud of.

The only time I feel self conscious is when my FIL is around - he's clearly uncomfortable but too polite to say so.

I do absolutely agree that we need to do all we can to normalise BF in this Country, but there's a long way to go. Baby steps...

I'm as discreet as I feel necessary given how comfortable I am with other people seeing my naked body (not a pretty sight). So with DH I am indiscreet with mum and MIL, slightly more discreet but not very and with everyone else I am as discreet as I can. I don't stress about showing a bit more than they should though if i do accidentally flash - what's the worst that can happen? Someone thinks "oooh nipple". Not my problem.

Foxy On my cruise over christmas, there was a topless area on the boat. I fed there a few times (because I had to. If I'd left my sunbed for a second I'd have lost it.)

I was motivated by my baby's needs to bf, and my needs (to get some sun on my chest) so was driven by that, and tried not to think about it, but tbh I couldn't figure out how I felt about it, or even how other people might see it. These were both beyond my comprehension I was so driven iyswim.

Now Baby Starlight was just weeks old, but I do wonder what would have been made of a 2yr old feeding. I suspect it would offend, because we perhaps get closer to the sexual imagary within our culture.

I don't think that I ever consciously made the effort to feed in a discreet manner.

I suppose my breasts have always been on the small side and I'm quite an exhibitionist anyway, so had no qualms about feeding topless in front of friends at home or feeding in any public places. In fact, I've always been fairly militant about my determination to breastfeed whenever and wherever.

The only time I've felt a little exposed was when I was wearing a sundress and had to pull the top down (taking straps off) in order to feed DD. That really left a large amount of skin on show!

i try to be discreet, at home i just get them out and often forget and end up sat there with my boobs out and no baby attached, and infront of my sister and mum i just get them out, but in public and anyone else i undo the bra and slide my top up attach baby and position top around baby so no breast is on show. but i have massive 34ff breasts so i don't like having everything on show.
i don't care if people know that i am feeding, i don't use a cloth over the shoulder or anything but i do like to cover my breasts as much as i can.
one thing i have never worked out is how to feed with a dress on!

heather I've only twice left the room to feed or refused a feed (it was her second birthday so I wasn't starving her!) and that was because both times I had a dress on and would have had to strip to feed and I do think that it would have been inappropriate! I know I was an idiot the first time, I went to a wedding reception in a tight dress that only zipped under the arm, fortunately my IL's were staying over so I fed in their room.

with my first who i fed for a year, i never bf in public. meaning i never left the house for the best part of a year. this time, i have bf on train, bus, cafe, pub. i am a little shy but i do it for the next generation. i have never seen any indiscreet bf. like heather, at home am mostly topless and totally indiscreet

i found bfing in public VERY hard, i lived in an area where most ppl ff, and i was made to feel weird for bfing my baby.
i actually used to dread going out with my dd and used to wherever possible express into bottles to use whilst out, because i just couldnt take the scornful looks.

its not just the other people that where the problem, im very self concious, and worried i was showing too much all the time.

needless to say this time i will BF my baby wherever i like, i have moved areas and im hoping that this time it will be easier.
but i will have you lot to support me this time, i lost my internet last time and really could have done with some support.

ERm

"I think someone who says 'I have no problem with discreet breastfeeding' may not be very supportive of breastfeeding in public at all.

If a mother says, 'I prefer to breastfeed discreetly' then that's her right."

I say both..... no hang on that can't work

I prefer not to show too much and I prefer not to see too much of other people.

I have breastfed (and will again) in public so I say 'I prefer to breastfeed discreetly'

yet

apparently as I also say 'I have no problem with discreet breastfeeding' it means I'm probably not supportive of breastfeeding in public!

I remember my 2 aunts ( Dad's sisters) who are nuns coming to visit when ds2 was newborn. I pulled up my top and latched him on at which point my mothermade a big fuss about throwing a blanket over ds2 which was more embarrassing as it was obviously intended as a rebuke and I did think it was a bit much to be publically rebuked by one's mother at 29 years old! Also I didn;'tsee why poor ds2 should have to have his head covered.
Afew years later when ds4 was newborn I went to visit them again and bfed in front of them and they remarked that for them it was perfectly natural as my grandmother had bfed all her children and didn't cover up in front of her other children so it was nothing new or remarkable for them!

My BFing uniform for DD1s first summer was a strapless dress or top, no bra. (Small) boob up and over so not very discreet. I BFed lying down in front of friends etc....but then, that was a very hot summer (other people showing lots more than me) and I was trim. With DD2, body issues and the weather alone have prevented me showing as much skin.

"but don't turn it into a political statement"

Sorry - this is exactly what I have a problem with. That someone who is exposing more flesh while bf that someone else deems necessary is assumed to be making a 'political statement'.

You have to ask - how can you assume that someone is making a 'political statement' by the way they're bf? And if it is a 'political statement' then what is it saying? "I have a right to bf however I like and where ever I like?"

What's wrong with that?

If bf mothers start feeling defiant and confrontational about the entrenched shitty attitudes towards bf in this country - well bloody about time too! Why the heck should we have to be apologetic about engaging in an activity which is at the centre of normal mothering behaviour?

And yes - I do realise that lots of people feel uncomfortable about seeing exposed breasts during bf. Lots of people feel uncomfortable about seeing same sex couples holding hands in public. The difference is that they generally realise that they are experiencing a culturally conditioned reaction which it isn't reasonable to indulge at the expense of someone else's freedom.

I'm going to just paste old posts because I can't be bothered to keep typing.

"When I said about being aggressive I didn't mean that any particular way of feeding was aggressive, I meant the person doing it. You can be completely covered and aggressive. Two sentences were run on to twist what I said."

OK - so how does this aggression manifest itself, if it's not through the manner of feeding? Are you talking about a bf mother actually saying something nasty? I don't hold with rudeness or aggression (unless you're goaded into it by stupid comments and even then it wouldn't be something I'd want to do).

On another forum, an Irish one, one poster mentioned that she had been shopping in LIDL and had seen an African woman pulling down her entire top to bf her baby as she casually walked around doing her shopping so that she was effectively topless. I don't think for a moment that woman was making a statement of any kind, she was just feeding her baby in the way it is done in her country, probably completely oblivious that some of her fellow shoppers would ( wrongly, IMO) be horrified at someone exposing so much flesh.
I don't think you should have to bf discreetly, I am fairly discreet but mainly because my breasts and tummy have seen better days. The most flesh I ever exposed was on a beach and the experience made me go online to buy one of these I even got one of the little skirts free with it so don't have to expose my thighs either!

chillybangbang, what I meant with regards to political statements is that some women are not just getting on with feeding their baby however they want/need.

The whole 'Lactivist' movement can go a bit far.

I totally agree with chipmonkey that an african woman taking down her top as she is accustomed to in her culture is not trying to make a political statement. She is merely feeding her baby in the way that is the norm for her.

There is a big difference between empowering women and belittling them though. I read something recently wrt discretion, which is why I wanted to find out other people's veiwpoints.

TBh, it felt sneery. Smug and sneery at those women who do not wish people to see them breastfeed. It suggested completely removing the word discreet from any type of breastfeeding ever. Where does this leave the women, both on this thread and in RL that WANT to be discreet?

Empowering women to breastfeed which ever way they feel comfortable is fantastic, making them feel somewhat less of a woman for not being so gungho about it isn't.

That is what I mean by 'political statement'. I'd even go as far as to suggest that women who behave this way and are about Breastfeeding as an act, rather than the mother and baby probably cause quite a bit of the aggro some of us have received in public.

Bronze, I think the 'I have no problem with discreet breastfeeding' was meant to be a remark from someone who is emphasising the 'discreet' part.

I.E A member of the public says they don't mind 'discreet breastfeeding in a cafe'..but it intimates they would finish the sentence as 'I don't like seeing it all though' (or something along those lines) As you wouldn't bother saying 'discreet' if you were supportive of breastfeeding as a whole. Does that make sense?

A sort of 'not in my backyard' type remark.

VS I think the biggest political statement is to sit with your family and friends feeding your baby. The kind when someone comes up to you and says "Isn't it nice?" or they ask to see your baby or talk to you and then apologise because they didn't realise. The women who are making a fuss (it's like I said earlier "Dafydd" style) are making people think "Ew, look at that, I don't want to see that!" what do they think of when someone asks this same question? That awful woman they saw in a cafe.

Normalising breastfeeding in public means making it a normal part of life, just like any other part of being in public, do we draw attention to feeding our other children in public? If people make it into a political statement then they're not normalising it "I'm feeding my daughter sausage and chips because I can and you can't do anything about it!" erm... no!

Tinksmum absolutely! I think the mum feeling confident enough to do it also has a lot to do with BFing publicly. I was SO self-conscious with my first, and part of it was because I was the first in my group of friends to even have a baby, let alone BF. Looking back, people would often not even realise I was doing it, so I can't have been very obvious!

I'm a lot blase with this one (due in 4 weeks) but attitudes among my friends remain the same. One friend had leant me a heap of comics to read when I started mat leave, and asked me how I was getting on with them. I said that I hadn't started them yet but would probably read them while BFing. He looked a little taken aback and said 'well I'll never read them in the same way again!' My friends are all uni graduates who are usually pretty educated, except on BF!

Also, would MNers on this thread cover up/go elsewhere if you were in someone else's house and they were obv uncomfortable with BF?

That's very well put Tinksmum. I was a bit at it not being political, as everything we do is political on a level. There's definitely a difference between doing breastfeeding and performing breastfeeding, as you say, and I can see how it would have a negative impact.