extended bfers: When, if ever, did you feel uncomfortable feeding in public?

[kittywise]

Hello
Ds3 is 21 months and still very much a boob boy. He would feed all day if he could, infact he is happily talking to my boobs as I type!

I am happy to feed him as long as he wants to feed, although not as frequently as he wants

Because he is my youngest and I don't know whether I'll ever have another,( although I'd dearly like to.) I don't want to stop feeding.
I guess I still think of him as my little baby.
So for me it's perfectly fine to bf him, yet I notice, in public that I get some sideways glances now.

Obviously he is not a baby to anyone else watching. It's making me a little self conscious, only a little.

I wondered whether any other ex bfers don't feed in public, don't care what looks they get. Do you wait until you get home?

Thanks

I never fed DS (who self-weaned at just over three) in public after he was about 7 months simply because it was impossible - he was just too distractible and wouldn't feed properly. DD is (marginally) less distractible and so I'm still sometimes feeding her in public at 9.5 months. To be honest, though, we tend to be out doing stuff and then going back home so feeding in public doesn't happen that often. By the time she's a toddler I suspect it will hardly be happening at all as she'll be too busy to think of it.

That was my experience PortandLemon. I don't think it ever cropped up-they were much too busy when out-other things were far more exciting.

Not really like giving a sweet for comfort - you can eat sweets into adulthood; breastfeeding stops. And breastmilk is nutritious. It is a natural progression, and as I say it's not a case of always saying yes, or always giving breastmilk for comfort.

AFAIK there is no evidence that sucking for comfort is a problematic association to make (tis natural: think of thumb sucking) - extended breastfed children are far less at risk of obesity than the general population.

Some children are not that attached to the breast. They tend to be the ones that will self wean before 2. Others are different.

pisces, I completely disagree that it is like giving them a sweet when they fall over. It is not about the food. You just don't seem to be taking this point on board.

And it is perfectly possible for a 3yo to breastfeed and still form very good relationships with others.

Personally I pretty much stopped feeding in public around a year - DS was too distractable and would crane round and nip - I preferred to keep our feeds to cuddly time at home.

The exception is if he's truly upset or hurt himself - and I agree with what others say, in that situation it's nothign to do with food and everything to do with the comfort of a cuddle/suck, much like a non-bf child might want a cuddle and to suck their thumb if they fell over. If the food were the primary comfort then a bottle of EBM would do just as well - yet DS would far rather suck on an empty breast.

Yes I agree mawbroon. DS loves the boob with a passion but is also perfectly content when away from me. He associates this only with me, of course.

In April, when he turns 2 he will start pre school for a few sessions a week and he will be fine without bf. No doubt he will really want it when I pick him up, that's fine.

He has never had anything more than a cold in all 21 months of his life and I'm sure it is to do with his feeds. His particular need is to to take comfort from the breast, there is nothing wrong with that and I am so glad that I can meet his particular needs.

Some toddlers don't need that comfort, they take it from other things.

It is about sucking for comfort-I would find other ways of giving them comfort-otherwise you are the only person who can do it.
At 3 mine found going to a cafe and choosing exciting.
I was a SAHM so they didn't have to cope away from me for long periods but I did have a life! If I went out for the evening they had to manage with a baby sitter. They stayed with grandparents, they played with friends. It is all about gradually letting go. I fed on demand when they were babies but not when they were older-just because they were bored or tired etc. My experience was like PortandLemons and it would have been very embarrassing. I was never embarrassed when they were babies and I could be discreet. I am going to leave the thread since I am past that stage and we are not going to agree. All I am saying to the OP is that I am not surprised that you feel uncomfortable-I would.

I don't think that's true - that if you associate comfort with sucking then only you can comfort your DC. DH can perfectly well comfort DS if he has a fall and I'm not there, but if I am there he's too little to understand why I am refusing to comfort him in the way he understands best. It's a bit like if your child had a fall while you were dropping them off at nursery and you refused to cuddle them - they would naturally be upset because they would want comfort from you. But that's not to say that if you'd already gone the nursery staff wouldn't have been perfectly able to deal with the situation.

But I'm not saying you SHOULD feed your child regardless, and I do try to limit feeds in public as I do feel self-conscious. You should do whatever's right for you of course. I just disagreed with the assertion that feeding a child for comfort was like giving them a sweet.

I take back the bit about a sweet. I would still comfort them with just a cuddle-I found it perfectly adequate.

pisces then you would stop a toddler from thumb sucking if they got comfort from that?

I don't understand why you think it is wrong to suck as form of comforting.

My ds loves going to a cafe and choosing too. He does eat you know!

And he is not daft. If I am not there, of course he doesn't expect anything more than a cuddle from whoever is looking after him.

I don't get how you have drawn the conclusion that those of us who feed older children in public are never away from them.

Anyway, great that you can comfort your child with a cuddle. But remember that not all children are the same.

gecko is 23 months and I'll feed her anywhere

I see plenty of toddlers out and about with dummies. Would you have them all confiscated too?

Once my ds was over a year I pretty much stopped bf in public. I'm not proud of myself for that but I just hate the kind of looks I was starting to get. I know that's not campaigning of me but you have to do what you're comfortable with. After this time I bf him at home at night.
But this was 5 or 6 years ago and I think things are a bit better now maybe?

I actually think that denying a child the need to suck for comfort whether it be at the breasts, with a thumb, dummy etc is quite likely to cause much more damage to their psychie.(sp?)

Not all children have that need. It is foolish to assume that because your children can get by without sucking that other children should too.
It is about meeting the particular needs of a particular child. NOT meeting a child's particular needs is likely to cause damage. The child is much more likely to be insecure later in life. A secure child is one that has it's needs met.

My HV was disapproving when at a year ds3 was still very much bf. She suggested that when he asked for boob I should give him bit of food instead and not allow him to sit on my lap whilst he ate as he would only associate this with sucking.

What a load of shite, so not only was I to deny him a comfort of sucking I was not to allow other physical contact.

I think some people have real problems with children that feed over 6 months of age. Of course it is their problem.
I pointed out to the HV that frequent bf in older babies/toddlers was the norm in less 'primitive' culutres.
Dp had a book which did a study on the bf patterns of women and children in some tribal societies.

The women didn't cover their breasts and mobile babies/toddlers and sometime children would simple come and snack /suck whenever they wanted. Usually for a few seconds at a time.

Why we consider it to be a problem is beyond me.

Agree with kitty that it is potentially damaging to curtail a child's need to suckle. It is a source of great comfort and some children need it more than others and for longer.

I seem to recall reading about how some adults whose needs to suckle as a child were not met end up oral-fixated as adults, leading to habits such as smoking and touching their face. A need is a need. It does not go away. But children will grow out of the need to suckle eventually.

I am still bf-ing my ds 2.3 years old. But have practically stopped doing it in public. Ds knows the rules ie no bf-ing outside the house, only at home. But that does not stop him demanding when outside and frequently tantrumming if refused. I will either go to the car, a toilet cubicle , a quiet spot and quickly settle him. Although quite frequently, I will take him home if I am not too far away.

However, I do feed at close relatives' and friends' homes, without asking permission and without fanfare.

It is a shame. I am less inclined to go out with ds because of his demands. I am petite and ds looks huge across my body. Not easy to hide.

I tried to wean him off the boob unsuccessfully when he turned 2. He is very committed.

I fed DS until he was 2, but after 18 months or so was only usually one feed in the morning, so not when we were out.

I did start to become a little uncomfortable after about 12 months, as the part of the city where I live is not the trendy bohemian bit, and bf past about 3 months is unusual . Now feeding 3 week old DD and determined to be a lot more confident this time!

blueshoes, have you ever tried feeding with you sitting in a chair and your DS standing alongside you - you put one arm round him to steady him and it can be a very discreet way of feeding, if it it would help you to have that option.

No-one should feel like they have to BF in public at any point, just as no-one should feel that they mustn't. It shouldn't have to be this politicised act either way. It's just mothers doing what they think best for their own children. End of.

Hi Kitty

Mine is 19mo now and still feeds a lot.
I don't feed him in public, because I stopped that when I stopped feeding ds1 - I had doe it everywhere and anywhere with him and then I got really uncomfortable with some of the attention it broguht, and realised that I didn't want to do it any more.
(personally - I've nothing against others feeding in public, quite the opposite)

But it's Ok as I rarely am out, only on the school run or shopping, really. I never use cafes or restaurants or take a whole day out - well not often.

However the fact he is older now would prob make me more bolshy and more inclined to do it iyswim!

Ds2 is 2y, and I will still feed him anywhere and everywhere - if I feel he needs it. At this age he's old enough to learn some manners, and I don't just whip up the top every time he asks. If he is particularly hungry/thirsty/tired/distressed, then I will feed him. But not just for boredom.

There has always only ever been one circumstance under which I would not feed a toddler in public, and that is in a Mums'n'Babies room where very young babies are being bottlefed. I remember how awful I felt when I had to ff ds1, and I don't know whether a ff baby's mum feels comfortable wiht ff, so I wouldn't want to shove the fact of bfing an older child in her face, in case she feels as miserable as I did.

I stopped BFing in public at about 12months. I feel quite bad about it, not least because I feel I should have been doing my bit to change/challenge people's perceptions of "extended" BFing. It wasn't entirely deliberate though...DS was mainly wanting to be BFed during snuggly home times, rather than out and about, but I didn't discouraged that.

Even good friends had no idea that I was still BFing at 18+ months. I gave one of them quite a surprise when DS hurt himself at her house and I couldn't bring myself to withhold the Boob of Comfort.

Mrsboring interesting. I have to try that out at home first. I can see my ds being very keen to try, as if he needs any more encouragement, different positions and all

DS is 13 months, until about a month ago he was still feeding a lot and I would feed him anywhere without even thinking about it. I was getting a bit sick of the constant pulling at my top and whinging though (ds is v demanding anyway) so decided to start giving him cows milk a couple of times a day. Since doing that he feeds only 2 or 3 times a day and usually only morning and night so feeding in public not really an issue.

I did feed him at my friends house the other day and she made a comment about him being too big now but as she is someone who never breastfed and weaned onto solids at 6 weeks I find it easy to ignore her . My mum doesn't like me still feeding but I still do in front of her, we just don't discuss it because we know we don't agree.

I like to think I'll still feed him in public but I can't be sure, the less you do it the harder it gets. I would definitely still feed at toddlers and probably in cafes etc but I guess it depends where I was sitting as to how comfortable I felt

Prettycandles I cried once after dd had started to refuse to bf and I saw someone bf her toddler in a cafe! Not her fault and was lovely to see but I felt a bit "Why not meeeeee!"