MIL has now withdrawn from all our lives because I want to be bf our DC

[cheesemonster]

This is a bit long, ramblily & emotional. We have had problems with my MIL form the birth of DS when I decided to bf. She didnt like it because it made her feel guilty & she thought I was doing it to rub her nose in the fact she didnt & because i believed the "labour properganda" that about the health benefits. I empathised with her about how hard it was in the 60/70s & how little suport, info there was, how demand feeding & taking babies into nurseries wasnt helpful to women who wanted to bf. I have never said anything about her feeding or anyone elses feeding choices, it is up to them. However my DH & I decided we felt it was the best option for our family.
I was then told that when visitng I was to leave the room to feed as they didnt want to see it, even if I had a shawl- as we know you cant see anything. I went along with this but was upset when on some visits other members of family who bottle fed where allowed to remain in lunge & I would have to go out, missing conversation & returning to a stone cold cup of tea & having missed the cake. This began to upset me, especially when I would get tutted at for feeding again/ etc. Things progressed so I almost stopped feeding the children there & would end up bundling screaming baby into car & driving to the layby & feeding there in the car.
The snide comments etc got to worse & it came that I felt too uncomfortable to feed DC in my own home too & would leave the room at home as well. The result being I was less willing to spend time with them etc etc.
My DH has treid to talk to his parents & explain that I dont want them to sit & watch my feeding but she is being exclusive & not making us want to do things with them. Went out for a day & I wanted to feed DD while having coffee & was asked to go to the toilet by MIL
He has explained that we understand that she would like us to bottle feed so she oculd join in but we dont parent that way. We have chossen attachment style parenting so she is cross that DC dont stay over at hers. They are only 1 & 2. She said that I am form an undecent background if I believe it acceptable to feed my baby anywhere & have a psch problem if I would be happy to feed infront of my FIL- ( I dont see the problem, you cant see anything).
DH has asked them to think a bout their ways etc & see if we can come to an agreement.
Last night they have emailed us to say they are withdrawing from all of our lives, that I have been planning this over the last 2 years & how unpleasant etc we are.
DH mailed back to suggest that he is disappointed in the fact that they wont even try talking.
I am really hurt by this all & feel like maybe I should have ff when they wanted me to. ( she is horrified that dh is supportive of bf)& that my feeding the children has now caused this huge rift. I know that the feeding is the cause but it is the results of feeding & behaviour she exhibts cause of it that really is the problem & has allienated me.

greenlawn there are no words to describe your MIL.

To the OP: I agree with everyone else. Your MIL is a loonie.

So there's a for your situation

But I ahve to say that some of the comments are just heelarious on this thread. Spooka, you nearly made me wet myself!!!

OP: I have to say by the time I got to the end of your post I thought 'Thank God!' (Thank GOd they are withdrawing contact).

I'm not usually one to advocate family members losing touch but you really need to at least have a break from these people, they sound very controlling and manipulative.

Good grief. How on earth did your dh manage to grow up into a sane, reasonable person (assume he has or you woudn't be with him)?

do NOT for one second think you have done anything wrong. If you heard a friend saying 'maybe I should have FF to keep my MIL happy' how would you react? You'd see it was bizarre and wrong, wouldn't you?

B/f is NOT the problem here, the problem is your MIL is a very, very, very strange woman who has seized on b/f as a way of exerting her power.

Horrible in-laws as everyone says.

I think the OP's is about the worst scenario I have come across, but it's not all that uncommon for mothers to have serious opposition to bf...as a bfc, I come across it a few times every year, with MILs (it's usually a MIL and not a mother) threatening to end contact but not actually doing it, making nasty undermining remarks all the time.

I think it may be a way to express resentment at a daughter-in-law for being 'the' woman in her son's life. It's essential that the son takes a stand and supports his wife - and believe it or not, not all do

I agree that its best to be without her.

My MIL was like this; and it does hurt. Feeding is such a big part of a small babies life and being removed completely isolates and alienates the Mum imo.

We fought the withdrawal and kept in contact; and you know? it wasnt worth it. After years of nastiness (many a MN thread on it) she finally disowned us because we dint help enough when her Dad died (ie dh didnt drive straight over he had taken sleeping pills and hour before).

It may be that time will heal and she is in a confused place right now or has specific issues that need dealing with. If she was OK before just make it clear that the door is open. If not, its hard but sometimes that blood that is thickewr than water has gone bad.

It hurts I know, best wishes to you all.

Her behaviour is pretty extrodinary and you have done all you can and been very restrained by the sound of it.

The problem is of course that were she some random old bat you would never have to see her again and there would be no consequences. As it is your DH stands to lose his parents over this and he must be very miserable.

I think the advice to write a polite clear letter (your DH should be doing it so they cant dismiss it) outlining the fact it is their decision to cut ties, that is is very sad for everyone and the door is always open should they want to reconsider in the future, is spot on. I would set up camp on the moral high ground and wait for them to struggle back to see you in the future.

Your MIL sounds highly manipulative. I really wouldn't let yourself feel down about it. Breastfeeding is not the problem, she is.

Well done your DH for standing up for you with them. I'm sorry that they've caused you so much pain.