MIL has now withdrawn from all our lives because I want to be bf our DC

[cheesemonster]

This is a bit long, ramblily & emotional. We have had problems with my MIL form the birth of DS when I decided to bf. She didnt like it because it made her feel guilty & she thought I was doing it to rub her nose in the fact she didnt & because i believed the "labour properganda" that about the health benefits. I empathised with her about how hard it was in the 60/70s & how little suport, info there was, how demand feeding & taking babies into nurseries wasnt helpful to women who wanted to bf. I have never said anything about her feeding or anyone elses feeding choices, it is up to them. However my DH & I decided we felt it was the best option for our family.
I was then told that when visitng I was to leave the room to feed as they didnt want to see it, even if I had a shawl- as we know you cant see anything. I went along with this but was upset when on some visits other members of family who bottle fed where allowed to remain in lunge & I would have to go out, missing conversation & returning to a stone cold cup of tea & having missed the cake. This began to upset me, especially when I would get tutted at for feeding again/ etc. Things progressed so I almost stopped feeding the children there & would end up bundling screaming baby into car & driving to the layby & feeding there in the car.
The snide comments etc got to worse & it came that I felt too uncomfortable to feed DC in my own home too & would leave the room at home as well. The result being I was less willing to spend time with them etc etc.
My DH has treid to talk to his parents & explain that I dont want them to sit & watch my feeding but she is being exclusive & not making us want to do things with them. Went out for a day & I wanted to feed DD while having coffee & was asked to go to the toilet by MIL
He has explained that we understand that she would like us to bottle feed so she oculd join in but we dont parent that way. We have chossen attachment style parenting so she is cross that DC dont stay over at hers. They are only 1 & 2. She said that I am form an undecent background if I believe it acceptable to feed my baby anywhere & have a psch problem if I would be happy to feed infront of my FIL- ( I dont see the problem, you cant see anything).
DH has asked them to think a bout their ways etc & see if we can come to an agreement.
Last night they have emailed us to say they are withdrawing from all of our lives, that I have been planning this over the last 2 years & how unpleasant etc we are.
DH mailed back to suggest that he is disappointed in the fact that they wont even try talking.
I am really hurt by this all & feel like maybe I should have ff when they wanted me to. ( she is horrified that dh is supportive of bf)& that my feeding the children has now caused this huge rift. I know that the feeding is the cause but it is the results of feeding & behaviour she exhibts cause of it that really is the problem & has allienated me.

Anna - does MOL stand for Mother OutLaw?

Yup, Mother-Out-of-Law

Sorry but she sounds completely dreadful, like a complete control freak who is totally out of touch with reality. I personally think that it sounds as though she would have found a problem with you regardless of the method of feeding that you chose.

My MIL did not bf for long btw, and she comes from a very "upright" family, but she thought it was wonderful that I was bfing her grandson and completely supported my choice to do so. She has always been very supportive of our parenting choices, even though they may not be the way she would choose (or, indeed, the way she chose) to do things.

(I can't believe I am being so nice about my MIL!) Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

thats horrible, you may be better off without them in your life. my MIL was also trying to force us to FF so she could have my dd over, but i did not, at 18 months dd is a very active healthy child who still bf when she want to, she does not NEED it but if she wants some i never deny her, i believe breast is best and they have no right to expect you to put their issues infront of your wishes.good on your dh for supporting you on this, they have lived their life how they chose to, why force it on you?

blimey she sounds utterly mad
she has cut herself off from her grandkids for this??
her loss, not yours

You poor thing. I think you are well shot of them too. You don't need them around at the moment. In fact I would even go as far as to say that you shouldn't even try to make up with them until you have finished bf - I doubt they are going to change. You and your DH have tried to talk to them already.

I feel sorry for your DH in all of this. He is absolutely doing the right thing by standing by you but he is caught in the middle, isn't he? It must be hard for him.

For what its worth, if it hadn't have been bf that your MIL didn't like I bet she would have caused some sort of problem with some other aspect of your parenting. She sounds very insecure and not able to cope with people that do things differently without taking it as a personal slight. I think even if this blows over and you regain contact, she will still be trying to impose her parenting values on you and will kick off again.

I think, you will always have to tread carefully. Keep a polite but pointed distance.

You have done a fantastic job feeding your DC and you have not let this bully drag you down - well done! She is what I said, a bully - just because she didn't BF, there's no reason why you shouldn't.

keep up the fab work!

I think she needs professional help to deal with her issues re bfing. However DH would agree with lots of you that is it wasnt this it would be something else as we are not meeting her expectations of what she feels a GM is.

You poor thing you are doing the right thing.

I think maybe you should just cut off ties with her. Untill she is able to behave in a more appropriate manner. How dare she try to emotionally black mail you into parenting your child to suit her needs/expectations. It is up to you how you choose to feed your child.

She needs to back off. Hopefully by not backing down she will learn that she is unable to control your family.

How does your mother/family feel about you bf?

How odd.

The most amusing solution would be to develop uncontrollable adversities to her behaviour.

eg ' Eughhhh MIL please don't put your hand to your head like that it makes me think you have nits, eughhh I feel quite sick now.

MIL woudl you mind eating that biscuit just outside the door, its just I can hear the eating noises and its making me feel quite icky. Sorry!

I am utterly and totally amazed by your MIL.

You are breast feeding. You are not feeding your baby arsenic.

She has massive issues.

She is also extremely ignorant and controlling. You're not allowed to bring up your DCs the way you want. And she goes off in a strop because of you asserting your parenthood.

Would she like to eat her lunch in a toilet?

I think that the problem is all hers. Not yours. She is very very weird. Unfortunately, she is going to lose out on some very wonderful experiences. If she dares to blame you for this, whip out the email she sent you. What a stupid woman.

I'm very very on your behalf at the lack of support your PIL are showing you and the utter arrogance on their part. If I were you, I'd've shown them two fingers a loooooooooong time ago and they would not be welcome in my home.

"she thought I was doing it to rub her nose in the fact she didnt"

Oh yes, cos it's all about her isn't it , not because you wanted to do the best for your children.

What an incredibly self absorbed old bat she sounds. Like others have said if it wasn't this it would be something else. Sounds like you are well rid of her tbh. You are doing a fantastic job and don't need anyone like this making you feel bad.

Poor you. Your MIL sounds completely barking mad! Have the satisfaction that you know that you are the one in the right on this. 100%. DH sounds like a good sort!

MIL sounds like a complete control freak. It's easy to say Ignore her or her loss, but she is still your Dh's mum and your Dc's grand mother. How long do you plan to bf for? do you think she'd behave normally again when you've finished it? would she come back into your lives again?
I still bf my nearly 22 mo Dd and Dp's mum thinks I should've stopped by now and if truth be known, so does my own mother, though my mum has stopped saying so since I told her off. I have never worried about what they think though and have always fed my Dc's wherever I happen to have been, because you are totally right. You can't see anything.
i think you are doing the right thing, making the best choices for your Dc's. It's also great that your lovely Dh supports you. So many would go along with their mothers.

Good luck to you all, you sound lovely.

Plan is to bf until they self wean. Am tandem feednng but not in public! We however would like more children so bfing may be going on for several years to come.

Does your MIL have other GC?

If not, I reckon she will eventually cave. She might have thought that since you let her have her way about leaving the room to bf, even in your own home, that was acknowledging she had some basis for her mad notions, and that you would allow her to domineer.

Aah well you see and then when you eventually stop bf, some of the older children may well behave in ways that they disapprove of, or they might not like the diet your children eat, or they might say you spoil them etc etc. Ime and imo people like this often then just change whatever they originally took offence to into something else.

Interesting point Upwind.

I very much regret that with dd1 we pandered to my ils' odd ideas and I did not feed in front of them. Like the op we would often race off with a starving baby and feed in the car just to avoid offending her.

However when dd2 came along, because they disapprove of some of dd1's lively (average 4 yr old behaviour) I couldn't leave dd1 downstairs and also dd2 was a less settled baby. The very first time they visited dd2 she was less than 24 hours old and I sat on the sofa feeding. So right from day 1 I effectively showed them what I would be doing.

I think that is what caused a problem in my case. We did it "right" (although in their opinion a bottle would have been best) with dd1, by hiding away with our shameful b/feeding. With dd2 I was stronger, I had mnet and I thought F* you (sorry for swearing but the whole thing still makes me )

Can't add much to what everyone else has said, apart from I am so glad you have not let this loon put you off BF your children. It's very sad that she has chosen to cut you off over this but there's nothing you could do. Perhaps she will realise how foolish she's been one day...

Do not under any circumstances compromise on the way you bring up your DCs because someone else will get angry unless you comply with their wishes. Whether that someone is your DH's mother and the grandmother of your children. That doesn't matter. She doesn't get to make those kinds of decisions anymore. They're not her children. Simple.

What matters is that you do what you and your DH think is best for your kids. Not what some spoilt brat of a woman thinks is best to dictate to you. That's what she is - a spoilt brat.

Oh my goodness me, you poor thing. This must have been very difficult for you.

As various others have commented your MIL clearly has some unresolved issues occuring. I genuinely can't understand where such a revulsion to bfing would occur. Generational changes could account for some resistance I suppose but to react with such passion against such a lovely, natural thing is strange to say the least. My MIL came out with some corkers but she wasn't in this league.

You also know that you are 100% in the right. It does seem terribly sad, particularly for your dh and your dc's to have no contact at all but this is your in laws decision not yours.

All very

On the plus side sounds like you and dh are still managing to be very much a team in the face of MIL's actions - that can be very hard when it's one of your families, so you're both doing well there! x

Bloody hell.

Don't want to overemotionalise this but I think you are a bloody heroine. Stick with it. You already know that SHE is the problem. Enjoy your baby and I hope your dh remains as supportive, you could all be a lot happier without her charming input.

What a strange lady. I think your mil maybe the ones with psych problems.

My dad has always been a bit awkward around us when we started to mature. It drives him to distraction when my sister changes in front of him at home, even though she doesn't take off her underwear. He once walked into my house to find me in a trackie bottoms and my bra and had to walk straight back out. He is fine with my sister feeding her baby.

Continue bringing up your babies the way you see fit and if she doesn't like it/can't accept it well then you are all better off without her in your lives. She sounds controlling and viscous.

Have only read the OP, but honestly, I could've written this myself!

My MIL is possessive, controlling and manipulative. When one of my twins died at 32 weeks, the first thing she said was "is it too late to get rid of the other one?" She is utterly heartless, cold, and takes delight in other people being miserable. She hates bf with a passion and describes it as "third world" and a "dirty habit". Just like yours, she believes I have bf my 3 dcs just to annoy her.

The only way I can cope with her is to ration contact. My DH has tried and tried to explain how she makes us feel, but she instantly becomes melodramatic and abusive. We now have a very distant relationship, and probably see her 3-4 times a year for a day or so each time.

You bf your dcs is not the cause of this, there are bigger issues. DO NOT take it on yourself to try and understand this woman - she sounds unwell. In your position, I would simply say - sorry I don't understand why you've taken that view, but I respect your right to your opinion - and leave it to her to initiate contact again. Your family deserve better than this, and it is NOT your fault that this has happened because you bf!