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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

MIL has now withdrawn from all our lives because I want to be bf our DC

83 replies

cheesemonster · 22/10/2008 09:58

This is a bit long, ramblily & emotional. We have had problems with my MIL form the birth of DS when I decided to bf. She didnt like it because it made her feel guilty & she thought I was doing it to rub her nose in the fact she didnt & because i believed the "labour properganda" that about the health benefits. I empathised with her about how hard it was in the 60/70s & how little suport, info there was, how demand feeding & taking babies into nurseries wasnt helpful to women who wanted to bf. I have never said anything about her feeding or anyone elses feeding choices, it is up to them. However my DH & I decided we felt it was the best option for our family.
I was then told that when visitng I was to leave the room to feed as they didnt want to see it, even if I had a shawl- as we know you cant see anything. I went along with this but was upset when on some visits other members of family who bottle fed where allowed to remain in lunge & I would have to go out, missing conversation & returning to a stone cold cup of tea & having missed the cake. This began to upset me, especially when I would get tutted at for feeding again/ etc. Things progressed so I almost stopped feeding the children there & would end up bundling screaming baby into car & driving to the layby & feeding there in the car.
The snide comments etc got to worse & it came that I felt too uncomfortable to feed DC in my own home too & would leave the room at home as well. The result being I was less willing to spend time with them etc etc.
My DH has treid to talk to his parents & explain that I dont want them to sit & watch my feeding but she is being exclusive & not making us want to do things with them. Went out for a day & I wanted to feed DD while having coffee & was asked to go to the toilet by MIL
He has explained that we understand that she would like us to bottle feed so she oculd join in but we dont parent that way. We have chossen attachment style parenting so she is cross that DC dont stay over at hers. They are only 1 & 2. She said that I am form an undecent background if I believe it acceptable to feed my baby anywhere & have a psch problem if I would be happy to feed infront of my FIL- ( I dont see the problem, you cant see anything).
DH has asked them to think a bout their ways etc & see if we can come to an agreement.
Last night they have emailed us to say they are withdrawing from all of our lives, that I have been planning this over the last 2 years & how unpleasant etc we are.
DH mailed back to suggest that he is disappointed in the fact that they wont even try talking.
I am really hurt by this all & feel like maybe I should have ff when they wanted me to. ( she is horrified that dh is supportive of bf)& that my feeding the children has now caused this huge rift. I know that the feeding is the cause but it is the results of feeding & behaviour she exhibts cause of it that really is the problem & has allienated me.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 22/10/2008 10:34

that's Mad, twisted bitch.

GylesBandwidth · 22/10/2008 10:35

I think you are well rid of her, tbh.
Sounds like MIL is a controlling, passive aggressive nightmare - not the sort of person you want around your children.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/10/2008 10:36

she sounds bonkers! and really horrible. be glad she's out of your lives.

onepieceoflollipop · 22/10/2008 10:40

and for you. I thought my mil was a bitch Very Difficult but yours surpasses that. Last year they refused to come on a day out (after previously looking forward to it) when they realised I would openly feed dd2 when she needed it. It was really pathetic, they got all uppity and offended as if it was any of their business.

As others have said the bf issue is the excuse. Sooner or later it would have been something else. If you look back honestly you will probably recall many other compromises you and your dh have made (but obviously not as significant)

Ime when it comes to your dc, they obviously come first. Some ils behave very badly when they realise they are no longer priority. It can be a form of horrible jealousy.

gingerninja · 22/10/2008 10:40

Good grief what a twisted woman she is. Expecting other people to act according to your hang ups is selfish to the extreme. How utterly bizare.

You sound lovely and well balanced and your DH sounds wonderful and supportive. I bet your MIL is upset that this hasn't divided his loyalty. Stand your ground, you know you're right and she's barking mad. She'll miss out on her child and grandchildren and it's her fault.

Good luck.

Freckle · 22/10/2008 10:41

I think you should thank your lucky stars that she's such an evil witch. She is clearly trying to blackmail you (or more likely your dh) into giving in to her demands. She undoubtedly is expecting a very contrite email back saying "please don't go, we'll do anything you want" and is going to be very shocked when that doesn't happen. She has now given you the perfect opportunity to get rid of such a malevolent influence in your lives.

Well done to you and particularly to your dh who is having to stand up to his parents in order to support you.

filz · 22/10/2008 10:44

cheesemonster, I used to have to leave the room with respect to my MIL and stepdad (more because I felt uncomfortable with stepdad though) and MIL was never ver supportive and used to zsuggest I give them proper food. I even used to express before visiting because it would 'keep her quiet'. It most probably wasnt the right thing to do but it helped the situation along.

your MIL is being completelt OTT, but i think you already know that. Look after yourself your dh sounds a good sort too x x

Original poster
cheesemonster · 22/10/2008 10:55

Thank you all for your understanding. I have just been so bowled over by maniplulation she is trying. Sadly I suppose its because of people like her that lovely women are trying to get breastfeeding in public rights made law. ( although this obviously wouldnt aply to her home!)
I would be happy in future of they wanted to come back into lives as long as they accepted our parenting decisions. They know they wont be seeing DH either as they hav said that they want nothing to do with any of us & are shocked at his lack of integrity!They have also asked that when the gc are older that we tell them they wanted to be part of their lives but where not allowed to have the relationships they wanted with them as DH & I have chosen to live isolated, insulor lives.Not sure what any of that mean.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 22/10/2008 10:57

They sound incredibly controlling. Was your DH controlled like this when he lived in their home?

ghosty · 22/10/2008 10:59

[speechless]
You poor thing

Original poster
cheesemonster · 22/10/2008 11:01

anna8888.
He left home as soon as he could, 20 years ago, she doesnt realise it was because of her though. Think she has always been controlling & this is the 1st time anyone has stood up to her & fil cant cope with her so just lets her get on with what she wants.

OP posts:
ghosty · 22/10/2008 11:02

Actually, I am not speechless at all. They are wankers of the highest order and they don't deserve you as a DIL. You and your DH are fab for sticking to your guns.
Total tossers.

wilbur · 22/10/2008 11:02

That's a very tough and bizarre situation! What decent granny wouldn't want the best for teh gcs, no matter what she did herself? It is entirely about her issues, so you must not blame yourself. One thing - a while ago the NCT ran a specific campaign aimed at new grandparents, talking about how child feeding and rearing advice had changed and telling them to be supportive re bfing etc. Clearly many grannies are a bit rubbish at helping their daughters and dils to make their own decisions! Anyway, maybe it might be worth finding out if the NCT still has some info about it and then your dh could gently point his parents in that direction and perhaps open their blinkered eyes a bit.

spooka · 22/10/2008 11:03

I would be tempted to email back saying "No actually, we will be telling the children that you are a sour and manipulative hag. We don't believe in lying to our children".

elsiepiddock · 22/10/2008 11:04

They sound horrendous - you are better off without them in your lives.

If I were you, I'd keep bfing for as lond as poss!!

filz · 22/10/2008 11:04

It might be for the best then if she has always been so controlling

theSuburbanDryad · 22/10/2008 11:06

I think you should bide your time. They may come round. My MIL did - but then ds is her only grandson and she won't be having any more DGC because dh is an only child so it's a different situation. She now is quite accepting of my bf-ing (even though I've recently had to stop due to pregnancy ) and knows I'll be bf-ing dc2!

She does sound completely nuts - but you know that. Your kids will know the truth when they grow up - even if they don't hear it from you they'll figure it out pretty quickly. Of course the relationship that they want translates as, "Completely on their terms and no-one elses's."

You are better off without them. But you know that.

Upwind · 22/10/2008 11:07

MIL sounds like a selfish, spiteful drama queen.

Can you contact FIL seperately and explain that you are worried about MIL's behaviour and would be sorry if they cut you and your dc out of their lives. Maybe explain the situation to any other ILs as well.

BellaMummy · 22/10/2008 11:07

This must be so stressful for you and your dh - so for you.

But I think you now know that you and DH have to stand your ground. You have done nothing wrong and you should never be made to feel that breastfeeding is offensive or wrong. It is their choice to withdraw from you lives, so maybe you just need to accept their decision and to focus on you, your DH and your lovely children. Just make the decision that nobody is ever going to make you leave the room, or go to the toilet to feed your little ones.

Unfortunately we still live in a society where boobs on page three are considered normal, and breasts used to feed a child are 'perverted' in some way. Ridiculous.

duchesse · 22/10/2008 11:07

She is nuts. Nuts, nuts, nuts.

Poor woman. And your poor poor husband.

Anna8888 · 22/10/2008 11:07

My MOL also has major issues with trying to control everyone around her. My FOL basically does whatever she demands asks, in order not to have to deal with conflict. My DP has distanced himself from her to a large extent, but growing up with a overbearing mother definitely impacted his own ability to stand up for himself in his domestic environment.

Fortunately I came to this situation pretty old and wise, and just keep MOL at arm's length;

beaniescreamyb · 22/10/2008 11:08

She sounds absolutely nuts!

Upwind · 22/10/2008 11:09

agree with everyone that if it wasn't bfing it would be something else - she wants to assert her power and put you in your place

ib · 22/10/2008 11:11

I genuinely think this is a blessing in disguise. Your family does not need such a person in your lives.

suzywong · 22/10/2008 11:11

what a toxic old hag
this is probably the first in a long-line of manipulative stunts she plans to pull. You are right to stand your ground on this one as it seems like you're in for this kind of behaviour at every stage of your kids' lives .... unless you do cut her out of your life and live it without toxicity