Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Challenging negative attitudes of women who bottle feed

102 replies

Eirlys · 17/09/2008 18:12

I am training to be a breastfeeding helper and am so shocked by one of the women on my course, I have completed the 2nd session this morning and after both sessions I have been tense all day.

She keeps spouting that she fed her two for a year (this was approx 20 yrs ago) and she got no help or support [in a way that implies that the majority of us who need/needed it are saps], and it was just natural. Today she went on a rant (entirely tangential to what we were talking about) on those who bottle feed, it sounded totally Daily-Mailish and like one of the Trolls who come on here and 'innocently' ask why women are so lazy as to not breastfeed. I couldn't hold my tongue and said that most women I know want to breastfeed but their breastfeeding experience is often sabotaged by wrong/poor/no help. I had murmurs of agreement from the rest of the class.

Perhaps it is just me who has the problem but I am really worried that she is going to come out of this class as a breastfeeding helper with this attitude.

I am a HUGE lurker and read loads of threads as I am so interested in breastfeeding but only made a few posts. I would be very grateful for the advice of you wise mnetters out there on how I should deal with this woman (or just tell me that i'm being too sensitive).

OP posts:
Ellbell · 17/09/2008 21:06

Increased Maternal Mortality: The Way Forward In Improving BF Numbers...?

Poohbah · 17/09/2008 21:10

That's true Scottish Mummy, I had a bit of problem and someone on the course said I could 'talk' to her friend, who I know vaguely as she lives near me but is not on the course and it REALLY pissed me off as the course was meant to be confidental and I just thought she would tell her friend about my situation which is none of her business...I know it's the internet but actually that woman might log on and recognise herself and that would be bad.

yousaidit · 17/09/2008 21:12

ScottishMummy: is the woman identified or the group she's in (ie locality, organisation)? No? Not sure about breach of confidentiallity?

No, people won't always agree with the facilitator, but what sort of support os a person with this sort of atttude going to offer someone? If this woman had have come into my house with this attitude on the remise of 'supporting' me, i'd have been seriously ill along with my dd, because being idle never came into it, and good grief i've never felt as low as i did when trying toresolve dd's feeding issues, and had dh not been a constatnt source of support (he had to take extra tiomeoff work unpaid after paternity leave he was so concerned about me and we were absolutely skint) i would have been at risk of a lot more than baby blues. The personal indignation is at the prospect of this atitude being very damaging to prospective, possibly terrifed, fed up baby blues prone or pnd prone new mums getting a shitty attitude of 'lazy, try harder'which really isn't a shining example, is it?

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 21:15

i wouldn't like it if my birth class facilitator was online making anecdotal quips and discussing participants

anyone be a BF counsellor, it is not a protected title.but it does involve working sensitively and tactfully with vulnerable mums at potentially difficult time

imo,brech of trust and confidentiality to discuss a class on-line

Dont you get supervision/peer support?to debrief about difficulty issues

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 21:20

the breech is the implied notion that what was said in class stays in class.it didnt.it ended up on MN

did OP tell the participants your discussion and my reaction to them will be posted on MN?

as i said i assumed any conversations i had with my birth class or BF would stay confidential on a need to know basis (or shared at supervision)

MN is not a need to know basis.

yousaidit · 17/09/2008 21:21

'anyone be a BF counsellor, .... it does involve working sensitively and tactfully with vunerable mums at potentially difficult time': right, and would you want a bf counsellor with the attitude of if you don't bf it's lazyness looking after a vunerable mum at a difficult time? My sil was with severe pnd over ayear thanks to the shit suppotrt she got re feeding her dcs: it was feeding that was the central issue to her illness: this UNKNOWN bf councellor in an UNKNOWN area through an UNKNOWN organisation could be the sort of persn who contriburtes to another mum being like my sil: yes, she's out or order, she's not identified and this thred might just vbe helping the op let off some steam begore wading in or chucking the towel in becaise of seeing sh*t attituides leadng the way.

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 21:25

there are peer's and supervision for letting off steam when you do a stressful role.not MN

foxytocin · 17/09/2008 21:27

I can't see how she has breeched confidentiality SM for all the reasons already stated.

she also is a student talking about another student like herself. There is nothing about the topic she has raised that needs to be kept confidential.

foxytocin · 17/09/2008 21:27

why not MN, iyho?

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 21:31

has been judgemental about a participant on a public forum.ok so probably not identifiable

BUT certainly not good practice though.i wouldn't like to think my BF counsellor got online yapping about a class. would you be okay with it?

foxytocin · 17/09/2008 21:40

she is not a BF counsellor, yet. she is a student. OP states she is becoming a breastfeeding 'helper' not a counsellor. That to me sounds like a mum doing a peer supporter course. People learn by talking to each other and the public. I think it is valuable for her to hear what mothers on a message board think too. She is still learning. In time she will have the confidence to see this type of person for what she is without asking for corroboration of what she perceives. It is called learning. Obv. she is worried about talking to the tutor at this point, and tbh, it would be a breech of confidentiality for the tutor to discuss the other student with her, IMO. But not for her to discuss it with anyone else in the ether who she chooses to discuss it with.

Original poster
Eirlys · 17/09/2008 21:42

ScottishMummy - I did debate the confidentiality aspect with myself, but this issue is eating me up, and felt that this is better than discussing it with people in RL who could more likely identify us. I'm not the facilitator, just another attendee, and no we don't get any 1-1 supervision or peer support, in fact it may be quite hard to get some time alone with the tutor.

Sorry you feel that it's bad form, it probably is but didn't know where else to go . Maybe I should have had the confidence to go direct to the tutor, but I didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eirlys · 17/09/2008 21:44

sorry, slow typist (or slow thinker more like), lots more posts since when I started writing that....

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 21:48

OP you should have sought peer support and/or tutor not online.working with potentially vulnerable mums will raise issues for you and your stuff you need to know where to appropriately place this

a lot of your OP is about you and your reaction to an opposition/challenging view. you asume she is daily mailer - why?

somehow this challenfegd you, your authority and role as facilitator. reflect upon that, how that felt.
what would you do differently
this will happen again you need a coping strategy

frankbestfriend · 17/09/2008 21:54

Eirlys, I think you sound like a well balanced and non judgemental sort, and that makes you perfectly suited to your chosen vocation

And no, I wouldn't be upset about completely unidentifiable anecdotes about me appearing on mn.

Rowlers · 17/09/2008 21:55

Op = not the facilitator
If one wishes to discuss an issue on a public online forum, one has the right to do so.
Can't see at all how any confidentiality has been breeched.

gabygirl · 17/09/2008 21:55

"and would you want a bf counsellor with the attitude of if you don't bf it's lazyness"

Training to become a bf counsellor takes most women at least two years of study. They do intensive counselling workshops and have the opportunity to debrief and to reflect on their own experiences and attitudes. Anyone starting the course with the belief that bf 'failure' is due to laziness would have had their misconceptions corrected pretty sharpish.

I suspect that the person mentioned in the OP is training to be a peer supporter, which is a totally different thing. They wouldn't be providing any sort of 'counselling' service and are not expected to give advice, just support.

Eirly - next time this woman says something similar, respond to her. Be polite but assertive. Your tutor will thank you for it.

FairLadyRantALot · 17/09/2008 21:55

To OP...this woman does sound unsuitable to become a breastfeeding helper, unless, as tiktok says, she owuld change her attitude.... at that kind of women actually wanting to become a Breastfeeding helper, tbh

allgonebelyup...yes, women have breastfed for manymany years...but back then it was the norm (there were no otherr options), therefore ALL women knew what to do, what to expect and had all the support they needed by family/community, rather then needing a person from the outside....they grew up around it...there was no one belitting their efforts, there were no people around them, who knew nothing about bf, but felt they could advice anyway...

welliemum · 17/09/2008 21:57

We don't even know what country Eirlys lives in.

I can see the principle that what is said in a class should stay there, but I don't see any actual breach of confidentiality in practice.

More than that, I think this kind of discussion on a public forum can be very valuable. Loads of people may read it, and some of them may have been making just the same sort of assumptions, ie that bf is very natural and easy and anyone who doesn't do it is lazy.

That's a HUGELY common assumption and it needs to be challenged again and again.

FairLadyRantALot · 17/09/2008 21:58

erm...scottish, I think op meant another women who also wants to become a BF helper...not a women that she is supporting...
must read op again....maybe I got that wrong...

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 22:01

OP has an issue eating her up and inadequte support

she says "and no we don't get any 1-1 supervision or peer support, in fact it may be quite hard to get some time alone with the tutor.

Eirlys also has needs for support,where to go with difficult information (and one's response conscious and unconscious),developing coping strategies, how not to burn out

Rowlers · 17/09/2008 22:04

True, ScottishMummy.
So?
She's asked for advice on here and will now probably return to her tutor as a result of this discussion.
Quite valuable to her I suspect.
And not done anyone else any harm.

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 22:09

i hope the lesson learnt is working with people touches upon one's psyche and conscious/unconscious

and the need to take feelings /thoughts/responses to an appropriate place for safe debriefs

i hope she receives adequate support/quality of her training.but only she can judge that and is only 2nd session

LackaDAISYcal · 17/09/2008 22:14

I think you are being a little harsh ScottishMummy, when the problem appears to lie with the other student in her attitude and not with the OP for asking some advice on how to handle it; this is no different to someone having a query about another student on any other course that they happen to be doing.

and there is no confidentiality breach here at all; if she had come on and told us the woman's name and where the course was held and who the facillitator was, well that's different. she didn't just asked for some advice on how to handle someone who she felt wasn't really suited to the "job".

I don't recall being asked to sign any confidentiality agreement when I did my peer supporter course or told "what's said in this room stays in this room". A different story as well if she was dealing with a client.

We did quite a bit of roleplay on my course Eirlys, so hopefully she will see that her ideas are less than supportive and will come out of the course at the other end being a little more enlightened than she appears to be at the minute.

Good Luck for the rest of the course

ScottishMummy · 17/09/2008 22:17

i am discusing how one as an individual is affected by other's narratives.OP is struggling