Extended Breastfeeders - please answer some questions

[Swaliswan]

DD is nearly one and I have a few questions about how to approach BFing when she turns one. I know that she still needs milk whether it is bm or cows milk in a cup. But, how did you convince your DH/DP that it's a good idea to continue BFing. DH is not very supportive and keeps on talking about when I'm going to stop BFing and how I'm going to go about stopping. I've told him that I'm not sure that I want to stop or how I want to go about stopping. Most of the time I don't want to stop. It is only inconvenient a small amount of the time to BF DD so on the whole I would rather carry on BFing her.

Also, I habitually offer DD a BF on waking in the morning and at bedtime. If I'm around then I sometimes offer her a BF before her afternoon snack as well but it doesn't seem to bother her if she doesn't have it. I keep on reading on Mnet about toddlers who only feed every few days. When do you stop habitually offering breast feeds? If you don't feed, do you offer milk in a cup instead to make sure that LO is getting enough milk?

I'm sure that I'll have more questions but that will do for now!

We had habitual feeds at that age - morning, nap and bedtime. Ds1 eventually weaned himself on a "don't offer, don't refuse" basis, i.e. he had milk when he asked for it.

The WHO suggest b/feeding until 2 years. There are many, many good reasons for doing this. I don't really think it is up to your husband to deny b/milk and all its nutritional and emotional benefits to your dd.

Kellymom is a great website that will give you a lot of information (reasons!) to carry on.

Good luck.

Saliswan, well done for making it to a year! My ds is 2.6 and we are still pretty much feeding on demand. I am doing never offer never refuse, but he thinks his luck is in and feeds more!! If you are able and willing, you might find it easier just to go with the flow as your dd's needs will change along the way, I'm sure.

Beansprout - just to point out that the WHO recommend breastfeeding for at least two years and you are absolutely right to say that there are many good reasons for this.

It is up to you and your child how much she bf.

FWIW, cow's milk is not a must, whether or not a child is weaned off the breast. Many many cultures out there have a perfectly healthy diet with no diary products at all. Chinese, Japanese, SE Asian culutures, all the American indian cultures.

i have a few links on the emotional side of bfing into toddlerhood on this thread

ds2 prefers to bf only before sleeping and if he wakes in the night. All other times he likes milk in cup or bottle.
he is nearly 14 mths. He was still bf on waking in the morning until 2 mths ago. He has always been very easily distracted so this contributed. But he still bf happily.
dp never notices as I always feed in ds2s room ( for quiet from other older kids etc) and he is happy with my feeding anyway as very pro bf to any age.
as the children get busier it just fits in around them really.

hello and well done!

if you don't mind me saying you sound like a bit of a worrier the first thing I would say is to try hard not to worry and let your child take the lead with frequency etc. The bf relationship after one year is very precious and special and try and just relax and make the most of it!

the other thing to bear in mind is that you can set limits if you want to - it is a two way relationship and if you are not happy with the way your child wants to feed, then you can set some rules e.g. only at bedtime or in themorning, not in public. older babies are much easier to distract....

as far as "needing" milk is concerned I would try not to worry about this either. I fed dd1 to three and a bit and dd2 is still feeding at 2.5 - neither are all that bothered about cows milk at all and I don't force it on them. they get lots of calcium in other ways. the "need" for milk is over emphasised imo. if the child is still bf, then just offer milk/water/whatever.

why is you dh/dp not supportive? imo I would just fob him off until he gives up asking it is up to you and your child when you give up. if he isn't being supportive, then tell him your reasons for continuing and then change the subject.
really, the benefits of continuing are huge

"When do you stop habitually offering breast feeds? If you don't feed, do you offer milk in a cup instead to make sure that LO is getting enough milk?" really this is up to you and your baby - my dds have always been happy to ask but you might want to continue a routine if it suits you both. and not I haven't offered milk as an alternative

FWIW - I allowed dd1 to self wean and imo it was one of the best (only!) decisions I made as a parent and I hope to allow dd2 to do the same. imo and ime it has been very good for their self and emotional development and for our relationship, as well as for their health. I know there are lots of people on mn who feel the same

morning harpsi

yup, wot she said

Great post, harpsi, and I agree with it

I don't offer ds1, who is three next week, feeds at all - he comes and asks, probably once or twice a day plus at bedtime. I am also bf ds2 (7.5mo), and tbh I have found it difficult (I don't think it's the tandem feeding that has made it difficult as such, but over the last few months I have found it, for reasons I don't understand, physically a lot less pleasant feeding ds1), but ds1 clearly still needs it and I am definitely going to let him self-wean. And it does give rise, as harpsi said, to some very precious and beautiful moments.

I don't always say yes when ds1 asks during the day - sometimes he asks out of boredom/due to being between activities/at a bit of a loss, or when I'm just simply too busy, and he almost always accepts a distraction. At this age you can really 'negotiate' IME.

Hi Swaliswan. How are you doing now - a bit better I hope?

Not sure that my answer will help a lot, as I approached bf after 1 just the same as before 1. I never saw it as any sort of magic cut off point, maybe in part because dd was still milk intolerant then, so switching to cow's was never an option for us.

She is now 2.3 and feeds when she wants, with me occasionally saying no (because she'd feed about 20 times a day otherwise). I've not offered for a long time, but it hasn't reduced our feeds at all! Even the pregnancy hasn't put her off feeding at all (slightly unfortunately, as I have found it very painful throughout)!

My dh has never had a problem with it, and reads MN enough to understand a bit about the benefits, and also knows dd well enough to know that it would be hell on earth trying to force her to stop!

If I'm not around then dd is happy with cow's milk from a cup now, and sometimes she will have this even when I am around. She managed 48 hours without a feed a couple of weeks ago, as I went away for the weekend, so continuing doesn't have to be limiting to your lifestyle.

Dh was muttering about weaning at a year, but I was kind of ignored it and kept going, and he was fine about it - we don't know anyone irl who fed past then, and in fact only 1 who fed past 6 months, so it was just that effect.

I never offered feeds, just demand fed, so DS just cut his own feeds out. He may have just self weaned at 2 (only been a week though, and I've been away for most of that)

Thank-you Ladies. I am a bit worried harpsi. Mainly because no-one is supporting me now in RL. My mum BFed me until I was so months and said that was quite long enough. She heavily criticises my cousin who allowed her son to self-wean at about 3.5yo. My MIL is a midwife and was supportive for the first six months but says that the WHO advice to feed until at least two is intended for babies in developing countries. My local sure start don't have any peer supporters. And now my husband is making little comments to me and trying to get me to commit to giving up Bfing as I'm "definitely in the minority now" for BFing for so long. He seems really quite embarrased that I'm intending to BF for longer than a year as he can no longer justify it by saying that it means we don't have to buy FF.

It seems to me that most extended BFers continue to allow their LO to have little feeds throughout the day as well as their main 'routine' feeds. DD isn't interested in this and prefers her cup so I worry that she won't get into the habit of asking for a BF if I stopped habitually offering her feeds.

I personally think that for now I'm going to just carry on exactly as I am doing until DD shows signs of wanting to change our BFing relationship. We are both happy with it. I also have a plan to remind DH of what it would have been like when DD was admitted to hospital with D&V or during her (frequent) bouts of conjunctivitis if I didn't BF her. That should shut him up for a bit.

Good to see you here CSWS! Thanks for your support. I'm really well atm (for a change!). How's the pregnancy going?

at your MIL. Glad she's not my mw, or I'd give her a piece of my mind (and some research to read ).

Is there an active branch of the LLL near you who could offer a bit more RL support?

Pregnancy going well thanks. Have developed gestational diabetes, which is a bit of a bugger, but otherwise all fine . Are you trying again now?

Swaliswan - you stick to your guns - just because you're in a minority doesn't mean you're not doing something great!! It really bugs me how much flak women get for doing this when there are health benefits for them and health benefits for the baby. I'm not saying everyone would want to do it, but if mum's happy and baby/toddler is happy, it's no-one else's business. Good luck!

My own experience - my dds both lost interest in daytime and even the nighttime feed around 18 months, we carried on with a morning feed in bed until they were 2 and 2.5. They dropped that of their own accord too.

personally ladies i'm not sure we are in a minority are we? I think maybe the shyer amongst us,just don't tell.

Still feeding dd3, (turned 1 the other day)and ni intention of giving up, even if it means we won't conceive again.

I bf mine too until 2.Dh a bit by this but didn't really say anything.I would have never let the rest of my family know though.But I am a big coward when it comes to family!!

Best wishes swaliswan, some lovely posts on here

liahgen, I've conceived 3 times while bf! (Mc two of those, sadly, but the mc had nothing to do with the bf)

My dh is the same, started on at me again today about stopping feeding and how long I intend to feed him for. Ds2 is nearly 16 months now. Apparently if I'm still feeding him when he's 2 then he's leaving me

berolina, thanks for that. I'm in a real quandry as it happens aw we do have 5 beautiful children so are blessed. Just can't shake off the not complete feeling though. (silly cow)

Have conceived once whilst bf, (4 yrs ago) since feeding 2 more babies, periods don't return at all until totally off bf altogether. Exactly a month later period arrives, that month conceive next baby.

I'm 41 now, so realistically may or may not fall at all so am reluctant to give up bf in case it never happened and would then feel really sorry, for me and dd. We are doing the "if it happens it happens, if not, then it wasn't meant to be" Am just worried, it won't happen.

Sorry, that turned into a right moan didn't it?

Re timings, I fed morning and night for ages, gave up on the morning feed a little while ago (DS is 19mo). IME it;s usually the mother who decides to drop the feed rather than the toddler!

Re your DH, mine isn;t hugely keen on bfing past a year either but a nighttime feed that DS doesn;t miss when I'm not there isn't a big deal

my dh is always telling me to feed bubs when she's moaning, lol

DD is 18 months. At a year she was, like your dd, bf morning and night and occasionally at home during the day. Since then the daytime feeds have completely dropped, at the moment she has a bottle of cows milk to go to sleep in the day but that's quite a recent thing.

She still usually has the bed time bf but the morning one less so and for a few months has only had it in the week because at weekends DH and I take turns to have a lie in. So if it's my turn, DH takes her straight downstairs and if it's his turn I take her down and don't get back into bed which is where she normally had her milk.

DH did used to make sounds about when I would stop but I was just vague about it and now he's stopped asking and seems ok to just let it carry on - partly cause it means he doesn't have to put her to bed I think!! Lazy! Perhaps it's because once you get past a year and they see it's just the same as before and not a 'Big Thing' to be bf past one it doesn't seem like such a bit deal IYSWIM.

ds2 is 13 months and we're now down to just the bedtime feed. He has cups of milk as a when he wants it during the day. This works well for us. I did start daytime feeds again when he was ill which was really useful but dropped then mainly because he is a nightmare to feed during the day - he'll start wondering off while still latched on

My dh also was keen for me to stop and although the reasons he gave were always practical, I suspect there may have been an element of him thinking that bfing toddlers is a bit weird iykwim.

I started a thread recently about how to know when it is time to stop. I felt like I was carrying on just because I couldn't think of a good reason to stop. Now this seems like a perfectly sensible reason to carry on. He likes it, I like it, and that is all that matters.

Good luck

I would keep to just morning and night rest of the time don't offer/don't refuse. Not sure why you are worrying though my DD is 18 months and would feed constantly during the day given half the chance especially when teething.

My DP has always been anti-feeding beyond one year. He wants me to quit asap. Especially as I had an early miscarriage a couple of months ago and I think I'm pregnant again, if I miscarry again i will have to cold turkey wean. Maybe some women can get pregnant and BF often but I may not be one of them and I'm heading closer to 40 so I can't wait it out.

Yes there are lots of benefits to BFing and I'm sure I would be more positive if my DD only fed twice a day. It gives them a huge comfort and a close bond to you. However, I have to say I resent DD sometimes for her constant demands - in your situation I really wouldn't worry.

Thank-you so much for all of your replies. It's great to get some support and realise just how normal it would be to carry on exactly as we are for now. DD still seems very small to me and it seems far too early to stop.

CSWS sorry to hear about the diabetes. We're not actively trying but not actively preventing atm iyswim. Sex life is only just getting back on track post-mc I think that if I managed to get pg and stay pg then DD would probably completely refuse to BF as she only just tolerated pg bm last time and I mc really early on. We'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it. Which may be sooner rather than later given my track record of falling pg almost the second we think of ditching the contraception!

The 'local' LLL isn't in Southampton, it's in Romsey which means I would need to drive there. There is a good support group at the local hospital although I feel a bit guilty going there as it is inundated with new mums who are struggling and need the support more than I do. I spoke to the HV at my local sure start this am and she suggested that I did the training with LLL to become a peer supporter so that other mums could get some local support

Tink would go mad if I didn't give her her morning feed! I get her out of bed, she darts to the top of my bed and assumes the position! I only give her feeds when she asks or when I can see that I'm not going to win without it (temper tantrums or refusing to settle before bed).

I have passed it off with anyone that asks that while she is happy I am. The minimum recommendation is two years so it's nothing unusual to do so.

Remind your DH that it's your choice, he can still have them when DD isn't using them but you want to continue as long as she wants you to.