Drop in milk supply, husband doesn't understand

[newmumma2000]

I am EF through pumping as BF hasn't worked for me due to birth trauma and c-section recovery. My husband knows that I am passionate about feeding our baby BM until six weeks at least. Please bare with as this may be long.

On Sunday, my breasts were leaking but I wasn't feeling well so I didn't pump as much. I woke up Monday and it was like my supply had dropped so after doing some research, I have been pumping every 1-2 hours, plus pumping when baby is feeding day and night. I have been at this for the last two days and I am starting to see an improvement so I am going to stick with it as its what I want to do.

My baby sleeps 9 to 1, feeds at 1, sleeps 130 ish until 430/5 wakss for a feed and then sleeps 530ish until 830/9. He occasionally stirs due to needing to be changed or comforted but he's really good and we have been sleeping in three hour blocks roughly so I feel like we have been managing good with sleep snd not feeling to sleep deprived.

On Monday, two days ago, my husband returned to work so I think my supply also dropped due to my anxiety and stress about being on my own for the 1st time as baby is only 3 weeks old.

Here comes the issue: Tonight I have been getting up every 1-2 hours and pumping in the bedroom for 10-15 minutes to increase my supply. This has woekn my husband more and he has just shouted at me ask me to leave the bedroom everytime I pump as he needs to sleep and it isn't fair that I am waking him up when he has to drive to work and work the full day. He has used the good old 'you can sleep in the day when the baby sleeps' which is currently untrue as I am pumping 1-2 hours day and night. I have only been doi this since Monday, so its not as if its been weeks and my husband has only had distrubed sleep for two nights including tonight which for having a three week old I think is pretty good.

I am quite hurtbthat he wants me to leave the bedroom when I need go pump so that he can sleep even though we have a spare room abd I've said to him he csn sleep in there as I understand where he is coming from. He refuses to leave the bedroom, because it's where he is comfortable and instead wants me to leave. Bare in mind, for me to leave I have to take the pump my water a night light etc. He told me I could sit on the carpet or the stairs. I did do this last night but it was super uncomfortable and I couldn't see how much I was pumping so I need to put on a night light. I am also struggling to go back to sleep so I like to sit in bed and watch netflix in the dark with headphones on. I feel like he doesn't understand that I am trying my best to increase my supply as it's important to me and that he feels his sleep is more important as he has to work. I feel like this is such a stereotypical argument.

AIBU - in wanting him to sleep separately for a few nights so that I can stay in the bedroom to pump to increase my supply?

Why can't you sleep in the spare room? Is it because the baby is in your room?

Yes baby is in with us and I do the night feeds

YABU in waking him up.
Driving whilst exhausted is beyond dangerous.
Get yourself set up in the spare room, assuming baby can fit in there with you too.

I pumped for similar reasons when my dc were born for three months.
Looking 15 years now I sincerely wished I hadn't put myself through that stress.
I actually think I totally over focused on it and used it to give myself a sense of control.
I wish I had stopped, focused on resting, healing (mentally and physically) and simply snuggled my babies more.
All my stress and anxiety and effort was honestly unhelpful and contributed very little over the years. It is one of the early stages decisions I would definitely change.

I find your point interesting. I had surgery three weeks ago and do all the night feeds. Why do you think me and the baby should move when it's easier for him to move tp the spare room when our room is set up for a baby?

Surely a bed is a bed.

Thank you for sharing. I do feel like I am battling a lost cause. I had an emergency c-section and I feel like EF through a bottle is the last thing I can do that I wanted. It's hard!

My Dh needed more sleep so he moved himself to the spare room. He never once complained. I would think he’s being an arsehole expecting you to move with the baby and the paraphernalia. As though childbirth and the 9 months before that didn’t happen that you can’t be comfortable now when it’s not easy doing night feeds and on top of that the stress of pumping. If there was no spare room for him to go to I would say yabu to be waking him up but he has a choice here. Well done for persevering. Maybe if you feel ready you can get a breastfeeding helper in or lactation consultant to get baby back on breast as it’s much easier but don’t worry if not.

Sorry just read you had a c section. Well that’s even worse he expects you to be in more discomfort and inconvenience, sorry 💐

You have offered for him to have a whole beautiful uninterrupted nights sleep in the spare room, honestly he's bloody lucky and should grab that with both hands and be grateful as hell. With a 3 week old baby my husband was in the absolute trenches with me, up doing changes, split nights, pacing with a screaming baby etc. in fact he's still up 2.5 years later with whichever kid needs him. And yea he works full time. He knows how hard my days are with two kids and he is grateful to escape to work and be given all that peace!

If your partner is not comfortable in the spare room then he needs to make himself comfortable! ASAP (and suck it up in the mean time!) Even if that's more long term stuff like changing the mattress then do it because that baby isn't going anywhere and a comfy spare room will be VITAL over the coming years. He's living in cuckoo land if he thinks a perfect night sleep is just owed to him when he is a parent with a young child.
And he's so rude to think you should be the one to leave the room because he doesn't like the spare room. You stay with baby as you're feeding them, end of. And you are recovering from birth too so you get the good bedroom (before he's suggests that you AND baby take the spare room!)

And to say you can sleep in the day? HA that's not even true nevermind the pumping issue.
Honestly I would tell him where to go, he's bang out of order. Just the sheer disrespect and entitlement, I'm annoyed for you!

I think it's easier for him to move.
He'll get used to it. It's not a big ask.
There will be plenty of nights the baby might wake do he may as well get used to the spare room.

If it means you having to move the baby too, then it would be easier for him to move. It would also stop him being woken by the baby.

Your baby is only 3wks old though, are you sure you can't try breastfeeding again? Could you see a lactation specialist? That said, I'd also agree with the pp, my kids are grown and I remember some of the things I obsessed over, that I wouldn't do if I was given the time again.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking him to move the spare room. It's not like you're asking him to wake up every 1-2 hours. I expressed for my DS for the first 8 weeks. If I could go back I would not do it and just enjoy the early weeks.

Also please ignore all the 'cool girls' who try to tell you that their poor 1950s husband needs their sleep. Fuck that. You just just did 9 gruelling months then major surgery. YOU NEED YOUR SLEEP but you aren't getting it? Don't see you complaining!
Women are absolute warriors and he needs to get some respect. All you are simply asking him to do is move a few metres down the hall and sleep all night long. FFS

Driving whilst sleep deprived can kill.

But please realise that one day you’ll look back at this phase of parenting and genuinely question whether this was really the best choice. Whether pumping every 1-2 hours all hour if day and night is truly the thing you should be doing. Parenting is often about weighing up pros and cons and drawing boundaries to say thus far and no further. What is genuinely best for you, your baby, your home, your wellbeing, your relationship- all of it - might not necessarily be pumping every two hours all day and night.

YANBU in that he should go to the spare room but I would absolutely echo others here. Exclusively pumping is the worst of both of worlds really. Have a think in the morning about whether you want to either try and breastfeed or whether it’s time to put the pump down and move to formula. Baby has already had so many benefits from what you’ve achieved so far, so be proud of that, but don’t let it become stressful as it really doesn’t need to be. Enjoy your baby.

He’s being very unreasonable. I can’t believe he’s turning down the opportunity to sleep alone and in peace! If he doesn’t want to be disturbed by his wife and the mother of his child as she tries to make food for his baby, he can go piss in the wind! He needs to move rooms or STFU.

But also, consider what some PPs have said, that you are making a lot of work for yourself and potentially missing out on some nice baby time due to stress and exhaustion. I understand wanting to provide your milk, but at what cost?

Congratulations on the birth of your baby @newmumma2000 !

I also exclusively pumped with both of my babies. Supply will drop massively if you're not eating and drinking enough and it takes about 2/3 days for that to come back so there's always a knock on effect. I was drinking 3/4L a day and eating loads of dairy and oats to keep my supply up. I had a really good supply too.

Some great advice I was given was to use a hospital grade madela pump - I hired it and it really was good. The ones you buy on the high street aren't designed for exclusive pumping.

I used to pump every time I fed - that way I was going with what I'd have naturally done it I was feeding it that makes sense? Until about 6 weeks anyway and then I reduced to every 4-6 hours.

I bought some 1L jugs and used to store the milk in there and then heat up whatever baby needed. There's a 6/6/6 rule that was in place when mine were babies (not that long ago!) - 6 hours at room temp, 6 days in the fridge, 6 months in the freezer.

There's also the kellymom website if you haven't come across it. It's really useful.

I do agree with you that your husband shouldn't be being woken up but he can go to the spare room. It's his choice.

You both have very important jobs.

Your husband can not do the pumping nor the feeding of the baby. He should be sleeping during those times and not risking his and others' safety of driving while tired. You all need him to work.

Can you swap your bed into the spare room for him? Otherwise, set up yourself and baby in the spare room and you sleep there. You can wake, attend to the baby in dim light and go back to sleep. Yes, you will have broken sleep but that is life with a young baby. One of the best ways to increase the breast milk supply is to demand feed. So waking and feeding is going to increase your supply.

Look after your own sleep needs by sleeping when the baby sleeps during the day or when your husband is home and able to watch the baby or when someone else is taking the baby for a walk in the pram etc.

Make sure you eat well and drink well.

Discuss and sort out the sleeping arrangement in the day time. You don't need to be having arguments in the night and feeling anxious and trying to solve the problem then.

We've already discussed this and if anyone needs to move in spare room it's DP!

you need to be comfy with your set up . He isn't suffering by moving????

Thanks for your responses! I think I'm just looking for some solidarity. Before my supply dropped, I could pump 250ml in 15 minutes and I would pump whilst feeding so I don't find it difficult, it's just the last two days have been trickier as I have to pump more to get the supply back up. I'll give it a week, if nothing improves I think I will consider combi feeding.

I think sometimes men when are sleep deprived they just sometimes lack empathy when it's needed most. TBH he's need even too sleep deprived as he has had about 5 hours of broken sleep and that's a bad night.

👍👍👍

Same.

Fellow emergency c section here, your dh definitely should just move to the other room. It is so hard to move about after major surgery with a newborn. If only he could experience that?!

As for expressing and milk supply, when my son was in NICU and tube fed the nurses advised lots of skin on skin contact to increase supply - in case you aren't aware, and one nurse told me the early hours of the morning are best gains. You're probably already aware but just in case.

I remember finding it hard to keep up with the demands for the four hourly feeds, I'd come into the hospital in the morning and find they'd upped the feed by 10ml and I'd only expressed enough for the previous amount - Oh the stress!

On another note, to give you some positivity and solidarity, I'm currently breastfeeding my ten month old. After all the stress and grief of his shitty birth and start, it does get easier.

It takes a pretty substandard man to shout at his newly delivered wife, who’s had a C-section, and kick her out of the bedroom, telling her to feed and pump on the stairs…

Especially when there’s a perfectly good spare room he can move to.

Awful.

Your DH is being selfish and should just move to the spare room if he wants to. However I also agree with other posters that pumping every 1-2 hours sounds absolutely horrendous and I would really question whether it's worth it. I say that as someone who breastfed my babies and is pro breastfeeding, but there are limits! It sounds like your baby is sleeping really well at the moment (for a 3 week old), but you may find he "wakes up" and becomes more unsettled in a couple of weeks when he moves out of the tiny sleepy baby phase. I'm worried you'll look back on this pumping schedule and regret not just getting some sleep and enjoying your baby.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide.

He's so selfish. He ought to be telling you thank you for what you're doing for his baby, milking yourself constantly to feed them. It's not exactly fun, physically it's not nice and that schedule must be exhausting. He's an ass isn't he? He ought to say thank you, make gestures of appreciation, help you. And politely excuse himself to the spare room if he must. Especially after a traumatic birth & section. I know what's that like. Men are really something else aren't they.

On another note, try eating lots of oats. They are really good for milk supply. Staying well hydrated as well. Good luck with your production and I hope you can start relaxing in peace soon.