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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

why is you can't say a word about bf, without feeling paranoid people think your smug?

106 replies

feelinggutted · 09/02/2008 18:03

name changed, MN regular.

yesterday went to a family "do", was asked are you still feeding dd? [5months btw]
i replied simply yes, one of my cousin turns around saying to another family member, something along the lines of people that bf are so smug,

i wouldnt mind if i had been "going on" or something i simply answered a question, with a very simple yes and smile.

fucking hell, is it rude to even answer questions these days

grrrrrrrr!!!!!!

OP posts:

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 09/02/2008 18:05

She's jealous and probably has issues with bf'ing (did she try and fail?)

I find this is the case when people get funny about bf'ing.

duchesse · 09/02/2008 18:06

They have ishoos. You're doing fine. Forgeddabout em.

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 18:09

FG, that's sad

It is a shame that anybody is rude about infant feeding, whichever "way" that rudeness goes. I think there's often less "defence" for bfing mums because they've "succeeded" after all, and should just put up with the insults. That's the argument I've had put to me in the past, which makes me quite cross.

Original poster

feelinggutted · 09/02/2008 18:16

imagine if i had said yeah and it going really well thanks we both love it.

fucking hell i really would be scum then wouldn't i

this cousin didnt bf, i don't know why as i never ask, but i imagine her mother, my aunt had a heavy influence, as at this dd didnt even cry once was happy as larry
aunt still insited on telling me when she starts fussing you wanna get her on bottles

baby wasnt even fussing at all, imagine what the comments would of been if baby had of been crying or something?

i dont know anyone in my family that has bf, luckily i have about 9 great friends that have so i get advice from them and MN of course

OP posts:

Caz10 · 09/02/2008 18:26

i've just been in a social situation with 3 people with lo's. one bf for a month and was devastated when medical reasons forced her to stop. the other 2 f-fed. i have NO issue with ff and most days am sorely tempted by it, but was really pissed off today - dd was getting hungry and a bit grizzly, and i said oh she's getting hungry. both the ff girls looked at one another, then at me with pity, and one said ahhh that's the problem with bf-ing..

?!! do ff babies not get hungry then?!!

aurorec · 09/02/2008 18:28

That pisses me off. Why should you be smug? It's not a competition between mothers, you're just feeding your child.

Hunkermunker, you talk about people being rude about infant feeding, it always tend to be about BFing mothers though, doesn't it?

After a while, there's always the assumption that BFing isn't enough for babies, I remember when I was nursing at 5 months I would get a lot of well meaning relatives asking me if I was sure my daughter was eating enough... Never mind that she was in the top 75% percentile!
You never get FF parents being questioned like that.

Caz10 · 09/02/2008 18:28

ps somehow simultaneously i did feel like they thought i was smug too...and do you not think that somehow people who don't bf think bf-ing is somehow "posh"?!

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 18:41

It's not always bf mums who get comments - please don't turn this thread into a row!

It is unkind to pass judgement on anybody's feeding method.

CorrieDale · 09/02/2008 18:47

I think the slogan 'breast is best' desn't help. After all, if you're doing what is 'best' then mothers who use formula are doing something that isn't 'best' and there is a tendency then to assume that bfing mothers are smug to be doing what is 'best'. I'm putting this badly, but I think it's akin in many people's minds to waiting till 6 months to wean, using cloth nappies, having baby in parents' room for 6 months. All the stuff that is deemed to be best practice so if you do it, then you are holding yourself up, in actions if not in words, as being better than people who don't. (I do all of the above, btw, I'm just trying to get into the heads of the 'bfers are smug' people.)

I'm not sure what can be done to change things, except perhaps change the slogan for a start! Yes, I know it's true but try perhaps "Breastfeeding is normal!" Coz in some places, bottles are normal.

Original poster

feelinggutted · 09/02/2008 18:49

hi caz, ive been in exactly that same situation, sure as hell bugs doesnt it

when dd was lesss than 3 months and feeding v frequently my mother kept telling me, she should be more satisfied on your milk now shouldnt she ?
basically saying dd wasnt satisfied
but dd was satisfied as i fed her whenever she wanted

can really understand why people struggle with lack of support though

OP posts:

CorrieDale · 09/02/2008 18:50

Although perhaps that would be seen as a slight on bottles. I mean 'the norm' rather than 'normal'.

aurorec · 09/02/2008 19:06

Hunker I have honestly never heard anyone make negative comments about FFing in my direct circle of friends/acquaintances/relatives.

However, as a BFer, I have been told 'Oh, you're one of those' by a friend, told that I was BFing for my benefit rather than my baby's (at 7 months) and as mentioned questioned as to whether DD was getting enough food.

I've never heard anyone I know being questioned about FFing.

I'm not trying to turn the thread into a row, I'm just saying sometimes it gets a bit frustrating, specially with all the research showing the benefits of BFing, to get treated like a 'freak parent' because my child has never had a bottle.

Original poster

feelinggutted · 09/02/2008 19:40

i hear you aurorec i really do

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 19:45

Corriedale, that's a good analysis I think.
that is such a leap thought isn't it?
from "doing what is best for your child" to "doing it because you think you are, or to make yourself feel smug about it"

One poster on here once posted that women who promoted bf did it because they didn't have anything else much to be proud of. it made me so profoundly angry that I can barely type it without shaking

BabiesEverywhere · 09/02/2008 19:54

I have had 'don't you realise you don't have to do THAT any more' several times when my breastfed DD turned 6 months old.

Odd, that is you do decide to breastfeed, many people see the ultimate cut off is 6 months.

I feel there is far too much emotion and guilt involved in how we raise our children, which makes breastfeeding/formula feeding particular troublesome topics of conversation.

LuluMum · 09/02/2008 19:56

I have been in similar situations and it makes me soooo MAD!! I hate it when people say are you still bfing? are you still not drinking? (DS is 9 months) The other day when we were talking about going out and drinking my SiL said (in a text) 'you should let your hair down a bit more often you know' as in 'why dont you go out and get pissed once in a while' she knows i cant because i'm feeding so why did she say that. I'm a bit oversensitive i admit! But i never go on about Bfing. I dont act like a martyr for not drinking etc and i have nothing against people who ff (sil tried Bf but gave up after a day) i would never judge anyone else. i have made my choice about feeding so why cant i quietly get on with it without comment??!! i have so many examples of such comments i could rant all day!!!feeling gutted - i really feel for you!!

WinkyWinkola · 09/02/2008 19:58

Feelgutted, your cousin said that about bfers being smug because she's annoyed that they carry on doing what is the best way to feed their baby regardless of what ignoramouses (ignorami?) like her think.

And you simply answered her question politely and with grace.

DH's family tried to suggest that I was some sort of pervert for bfing my DS until he was two. Lots of sniggers and 'bitty' comments.

Corrie, breast is best. I thought that dispute was settled ages ago so that there's no dispute anymore.

Formula still nourishes though and babies thrive on it.

tudorrose · 09/02/2008 20:00

can i ask something? sorry to hijack but dd3 is 3 days old today, midwife weighed her this morning and she has lost just under 10% of her birth weight already. am trying to feed her i thought she was doing ok, she is sleeping well, alert and happy when she is awake, weeing and pooing nicely everything she should be and i was feeling good. but then midwife said oh well we will weigh her again on monday if she hasnt got back up to her birth weight by then you will have to give her bottles instead. What can i do? i so wanted to bf. am feeding on demand but she told me to wake her up to feed her every three hours i tried this but she just wasnt interested/hungry then. do some people just not have enough milk? sorry am just feeling a bit hopeless!

LuluMum · 09/02/2008 20:02

CorrieDale - i agree about the way BFing is sometimes 'marketed'. DH and i sometimes joke about the Bfing 'propaganda' - it sometimes feels devised to make people who dont BF feel guilty - it doesnt give bfeeders a good rep at times does it?

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2008 20:07

aurorec, if you're looking for people who have experienced negative comments about ffing, there are plenty on MN, including me... and believe me it's fucking heartbreaking when they do because you don't have a leg to stand on. at least bfers have the comfort of knowing they are feeding their child the absolute best nutrition that they can.
hunker's right, it's plain bad manners to comment on how people feed their children, full stop.
sorry you got snided, feelinggutted, that's shite. god knows, though, you may have inadvertently wandered into a world of pain there without doing anything other than answered a question politely. she's the one with issues, for sure.
amen to everything corriedale said.

WinkyWinkola · 09/02/2008 20:08

Tudorrose, it's so normal for babies to lose birth weight.

Your breast milk is the best possible food you can give her. The midwife is talking nonsense.

You just relax, feed your DD whenever she wants to feed and you will see that she thrives, grows and blooms.

Don't give in to the formula hype that babies should be fat and round and chubby.

Plus those charts they plot the babies' weight on is for formula fed babies, not breastfed.

Divastrop · 09/02/2008 20:09

sounds like your cousin is just pissed off that she didnt have the balls to stand up to her own mother and feed her baby the way she knew was best

i do think bf is still seen as 'posh' or 'not the norm' which is very sad.hopefully in the future when my mothers generation is long gone,bf will be 'normal' again,and formula just something you use if you cant bf for whatever reason.

(and there will be world peace,and ,oh,look!a pig flying past the wondow)

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2008 20:10

tudorrose, sorry, didn't see you there. have you thought about posting a thread all for yourself? then you'll get the bfing crew all descending on you to tell you that you're doiing a great thing and to be cautious about taking this HV's advice immediately. because you are, you're doinig a great thing.

LuluMum · 09/02/2008 20:11

tudrrose - similar thing happened to me on day 3. midwife said he's lost too much weight etc etc - me in floods of tears. MW explaining how to make up a bottle to me and telling us to go out and buy formula. But i just fed him as often as i could. My milk came in properly and that made it easier. Just keep feeding her wheneveryou can / she is interested - at least every 3 hours if you can? just for a few days and your supply will increase and i bet she puts weight on by monday. I'm sure everyone has enough milk - you just have to increase the supply. does she have jaundice atall? keep going.

Divastrop · 09/02/2008 20:12

tudorrose-your mw should have told you that its normal for babies to lose some of their birth weight in the first few days.even ff babies do.

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