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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

why is you can't say a word about bf, without feeling paranoid people think your smug?

106 replies

feelinggutted · 09/02/2008 18:03

name changed, MN regular.

yesterday went to a family "do", was asked are you still feeding dd? [5months btw]
i replied simply yes, one of my cousin turns around saying to another family member, something along the lines of people that bf are so smug,

i wouldnt mind if i had been "going on" or something i simply answered a question, with a very simple yes and smile.

fucking hell, is it rude to even answer questions these days

grrrrrrrr!!!!!!

OP posts:
tudorrose · 09/02/2008 20:15

thanks winky! i think i knew really that what she said wasnt quite right but you know what its likewith a newborn, you just panic. its not as if shes my first either. right, i am not giving this up now

Lulumama · 09/02/2008 20:25

this sort of thing pervades all areas of life, just i think we as MNers are more attuned to it re infant feeding choices:

e.g I have a friend, who if she asks me what I am doing and I say any of the following:

Baking

junk modelling with DS

reading with DD

cooking from scratch

I get a comment like, ' oooh, get you martha stewart / perfect mum/ homemaker...' with the subtext being, i am poking gentle fun, but really i think you are trying a bit too hard and being a bit smug

it used to upset me, and make me feel somehow wrong, now i see it is her trying to focus away from the fact she doesn;t do those things, hence trying to make me feel like i don;t need, so i stop, so she feels better..

am i making any sense at all??

i honestly don;t thikn it is solely a breast feeding related issue...

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 20:26

Tudorrose, what sort of scales was she weighed on each time? Spring balance? Naked or with a nappy/vest/more clothing? If your midwife is telling you to top up based on two weights, the first on scales at the hospital and the second on different scales in your home, spring balance or electronic, there's not much use relying on those weights.

When you say she's weeing and pooing, how frequently is she doing dirty nappies? Are the nappies pretty heavy with wee?

If you want to speak to a breastfeeding counsellor, give one of the helplines a call - they're all here on the right hand side of the page.

And maybe start your own thread so that you can chart your/DD's progress and ask for specific advice rather than it getting lost on here.

LuluMum - if you want to have a drink, you can - some mums choose not to at all when bfing and that's totally fine and their decision - but if you want to, it's fine. Just don't get five times over the legal limit or anything dopey - I'm sure you won't anyway

tudorrose · 09/02/2008 20:27

thanks so much everyone, you all said what i was thinking deep down. she isnt my normal midwife who is fab and supportive and when you are in that first few days of new baby chaos you dont think straight! i will keep going with it, we are doing ok!

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 20:30

Am liking "bf crew", definitely, Aitch

Lulumama, you're right, it's not just confined to bf/ff. There's the birth thing too - where if you state bald facts when asked, you're still smug if you didn't eg have pain relief.

Mind you, you read to your children - what sort of earth mother/hippy/lentil weaver/smug mum/yummy mummy are you exactly?! Trying to make the rest of us feel guilty or something?!

Harpsi, maybe that's true though, maybe I have nothing else to be proud of!

WinkyWinkola · 09/02/2008 20:31

No, with a new baby you're nervous, worried and easily swayed because they seem so vulnerable and fragile.

Honestly, Tudor, all she needs is you, your milk and lots of hugs and cuddles.

Let us know how you get on.

Lulumama · 09/02/2008 20:33

I know, they are books with words and everything.... we are going for G&T status, natch...

yes, agree re the birth thing too

such a shame, that everything has become somehow competitive.. not sure how to make it different?

tudorrose · 09/02/2008 20:34

hunkermunker - thats really helpful, hadnt thought about the scales, different both times. her nappies are wet, not really heavy but wet and she has done plenty of poohs. i will have a go at starting a new thread, am still new here so it didnt occur to me that i could!

tudorrose · 09/02/2008 20:38

winky stop! hormones all over the place i will cry

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 20:42

See at the top of this thread, it says add a new thread in this topic - click that and title it something like Tudorrose's DD's weight gain thread for the bf crew to comment upon

aurorec · 09/02/2008 20:57

Call me whiny but I would have loved for someone to congratulate me on my BF, considering how difficult it was for 3 months.

Instead the only comments I got were quizzical at best. Apart from DH who was great.

Anyway I'll stop my whingeing now!!! Moving on...

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 20:59

hunker, yes you're right. the bf crew here are all, to a woman, insecure types with inferiority complexes

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 21:01

aurorec -
you did a fanastic thing to bf your baby. the benefits of bf are amazing, for the short term and for the future. you shoul dbe incredibly proud of yourself. I am proud of you.

aurorec · 09/02/2008 21:07

Thank you!

FioFio · 09/02/2008 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 21:18

because some people give a shit.
because some people are sensitive to criticism and being undermined.
because not everyone has your confidence fio?

Looby34 · 09/02/2008 21:31

when people use words such as 'failed' in relation to breast feeding - it can leave those who feel as if they have failed feeling rather negative towards those who judge themselves to have made a 'success' of it.

i'm using words from a couple of posts on the first page. rather insensitive ones at that.

this is possibly why some bf'ers come across as smug.

not at all suggesting the op does - just some people.

whay are people so bloody judgemental.

corriedale sums it up perfectly.

MrsMattie · 09/02/2008 21:34

I haven't read the whole thread. I think it's really sad that some people are so hostile towards BF-ing mothers. I also think comments like:

'She's jealous and probably has issues with bf'ing (did she try and fail?)'

... are pretty sad, too.

Looby34 · 09/02/2008 21:36

here here mrsmattie. guess i tried and failed as i struggled for 3 wks and then stopped

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 21:38

why insensitive?
the OP was accused of being "smug" simply and only because she is bf.
she didn't have to do anything else.
I think anyone who says something so crass and hurtful to the OP probably does have issuesI think that falls into the category of "fair comment"

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 21:40

Depends on the woman. I know women who say, "Yes, I wanted to bf. Yes, I tried bloody hard. Yes, I failed, yes, failed is the right word, because I hardly succeeded, did I? - and I am gutted about it - but I'm damned if I'll let my own issues prevent other women talking about it all and exploring ways to stop other women feeling like I did, because that wouldn't make me feel good, it would make me feel shite". Which I think is amazing, generous and just the kindest thing you could do for the women who have babies after you.

hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 21:42

And now I'm going to watch the rest of An Inconvenient Truth and see more surprising peaky graphs and unhappy polar bears

Looby34 · 09/02/2008 21:42

harps - if you read my post properly i said i did not think the op was being smug.

she asked a question 'why is it you can't say a word....' i was putting my point across in relation to that. Not to the situation she described.

I fully sypathise with her on that. Why should anyone care whether she is bf'ing or not ? He relations were being unreasinable. I agree with her

harpsichordcarrier · 09/02/2008 21:43

well said hunker
I had a Caesarean with dd1 and although I found that hugely and immensely disappointing and painful compared to what I hoped for, that doesn't mean I was resentful of or had an issue with anyone who had a vaginal/home/water birth.
and I don't think anyone taling about their vag. birth is being insensitive

Looby34 · 09/02/2008 21:47

hunker - regardless of my own 'issues' i always promote bf to my pregnant friends if they exprss any interest in doing it - so hopefully you'll class me as 'amazing and generous' .

i think the word 'failed' is emotive and likely to offend someone who already feels sensitive about not having continued - thats all. you're right though - i guess it depends on the woman. i was merely offering a suggestion in answer to the op's post as why 'some' people may regard bf'ers as smug.

hope you enjoyed the film.