BFing DD 15m and the worst thing has happenned

[callmeoverchristmas]

A good friend (or so I thought) said to me a few nights ago (at Dinner) - "are you still BFing - when will you stop?" I resisted the old line of "well I have, she went to bed at 7" and said that as I have said before she would be self weaning.

Friend then said - "If you are still BFing at 5 years I may have to shoot you"

We were with some other friends who all BF for as long as they could but long work hours and TTC no2 etc took it's toll. I could tell they were a bit shocked and one even touched my leg under the table as if to say "ignore her" but I have been festering about it and I can't let it go!
I have known this woman for years and she knows my feelings on BFing if possible and I even helped her when she was struggling to BF her DS.

Why is there a "glass ceiling" of a year on BFing? I even felt so bad I gave DD rice cakes instead of Milk in a cafe today. I was worried others would start judging me. I am usually so proud to still be BFing her. I am usually on here telling others to keep going!

Sorry just needed a rant - feel better now!

Sometimes peoples attitudes are really demoralising.
Do you think it was meant as a joke or was she serious??? Sometimes insensitivity breeds stupid bloody jokes.

Def Serious

i thought the glass ceiling was 18 mths - dd3 is 8 mths and i plan to feed her till she self weans like her sisters - they stopped around 11 mths - both of them - weird isn't it? But I think dd3 may go longer

If my breastfeeding hadn't gone tits up (pardon the pun) I would still be feeding my 16 month old DS, I'm sure. Although he does have rather sharp teeth and likes to use them. I am rather glad I didn't have to deal with that one.

Ugh, bitch.

Until there is a massive sea change in attitudes, you will continue to meet this ignorance from time to time. Culturally, we're not there yet with our attitudes towards breast feeding.

Stick with it. It's your business and festering will get you precisely, no where.

I'm namechanged for another thread but just wanted to say and for you callme, and continue to be proud of yourself and also feel lucky that you are able to do this for your DD

It's horrible, but you have to develop serious rhino hide in these situations. If she's a good friend, might be worth having a conversation with her about this. Tell her if you're still bfing at 5, you'll make sure you get the first shot in.

Could she have thought you were being competitive, feeding your LO for longer than she fed her LO?

People do say weird things about bfing a baby longer than 4-6m. I don't like calling it 'extended' bfing, because feeding fro longer than a year is really more normal than feeding for 4-6m, but it's just not the norm.

When I mentioned to my GP that I was bfing 18m dd, he worried that she was getting enough calories! FGS, she was sitting under his examinination couch, playing with a box of toys, he could see perfectly well that she was a healthy, intelligent child, taller-than-average and size in proportion to her height.

Please try to let it wash over you. You know you are doing what's right for you, and you also know that most of your friends who did things differently really aren't bothered by the way you have done things.

She was horrid. For whatever reason she has it was mean to make you feel got at.

I wonder if she would have said it if you were alone with her.

Next time ask her why she cares .

I don't know what it is with the 6 month glass ceiling. It's bizarre and dumb. I've had plenty of these kind of comments too about feeding my 2 year old and it does get pretty annoying.

I don't know why people have such a problem with it, but it is upsetting and undermining when it comes from people who are close to you.

I don't have anything particularly useful to suggest I'm afraid. I usually mutter something about the WHO recommendation to feed to 2 and a half. I'm sure other MN'ers will have some good retorts they can share.

Well it wasn't a very nice thing to say but it's possible that what she meant was that she would be shooting you through envy because she couldn't BF her child for as long as she would have liked.

ANd I would be worried about someone who was still BFing a teenager...

god it's awful isn't it? I am a pretty confident person but I was gutted to read on another thread a comment from a poster who said there was "nothing creepier" than a two year old asking for a feed. I felt really self conscious about feeding for a while, thinking other people were finding it creepy.
lucky I got over it
honestly, she is the one with the hang ups. maybe you ccould say to her - oh I didn't realise you were so hung up about bf, how strange I didn't have you down as that sort of person. that is interesting. I wonder why you feel that way?
if you are bolshy enough
you are doing a fantastic thing. imo self weaning is an excellent thing to do if you can manage it.
sending love, HC xx

madamez, if you can find me one single example of a teenager bf I will slice off my right tit.

this happened to me as well and i was very upset that my friend had been so unsupportive. but i have thought about it a bit now and realise that she had a very difficult time becoming a mother and this was her way of 'releasing' me from the burden. i bet your friend feels shit that you have continued and she hasn't.

it isn't about you, it is her.

I often wonder if the six month glass ceiling has anything to do with the advertising of follow-on milk (formula from six months old).

Before I started bfing I used to think it was something you did for six months and six months only and I think I got the idea from adverts advertising baby milk from six months.

Perhaps your friend is jealous of your bfing relationship? Or perhaps she is just victim to the pervading cultural attitude that bfing an older child at best will hamper their independence and at worst has a whiff of incest about it (I have heard this said before ).

Could you be a bit cheeky and print her off some info on so-called "extended" bfing and why she might very well need to go and get that gun yet?

I was at a friend's with a group, including my mum, when she bf her 16 month old. No Big Deal. But I noticed a few looks and, sure enough, afterwards it was all any of them could speak about with all the usual suspects - "bitty", "feeding a teenager", "It's not right when they can ask for it" . I did question them on why they cared and what was so wrong but really got nowhere.

I was particularly disappointed in my mum who is sooo pro-bf. Now ds is 13 months and because I know the attitude of my family and friends I just can't mention bf any more. I suspect I will stop soon. Dh wants me to, I only planned to bf to a year but I know in my heart that if it was more socially acceptable amongst the people I know in rl I'd continue for longer.

Thinking about it, the six month ceiling probably has something to do with confusion about the word "weaning".

I have a friend (who is actually studying infant development as part of his music therapy training so you would think he knew better) who said "does she have normal food as well" when I said I was still breastfeeding. dd was at least 18 months at the time!!

Seems to be hard for people to understand that there might be any reason to breastfeed a child who can already feed themselves.

Also, I remember on that programme about extended breastfeeding, a dodgy looking man was interviewed in a shopping centre and expressed the view that women shouldn't be allowed to breastfeed in public because "it might give paedofiddlers funny ideas". Now I wouldn't want to suggest that this moron is representative of society at large, but I wonder if society's general confusion around the subjects of tits/children/sexuality might be at the heart of this.

Harpsi: I can't provide you with an actual example outside of Little Britain (though I would not be entirely surprised to hear of such a thing). I'd sort of be inclined to think that a definite cut off point for BF should probably be when the child reaches school age and that to BF after then would be just a little bit wierd. What do you think?

There seems to be an attitude that bfing is a chore and something you do purely out of the goodness of your heart/desire to be a good mummy/martyrdom/guilt trip. Doing it any longer than 'necessary' is showing off and perverse. After all, it is unpleasant, so why keep going? But, having mix-fed my first child for just under 6m, but then gone on to bf my second child until she self-weaned just before her 2nd birthday (and still bfing my third at 14m) what I have realised is that bfing gets so much easier after 6m, when they're having solids as well, that there is really no point in stopping!

It's not that there's no point in continuing - no, quite the opposite! Once you get past the point which most people think is your licence to stop (ie starting solids), the whole experience changes, and suddenly longer-term bfing begins to make sense. But people just don't realise this, they only see the 'difficulty' of the first 6m.

I hate that sort of comment - even if it was done in jest, its still hurtful. My friends all know far better than to make comments to me about it , but a colleague keeps going on about it, and talking about bitty. My undeniable weightloss (even with a chocolate heavy diet)is something its tricky to argue about as my 'reason' for bfing at 19 months, so generally I'm keeping to that with her (but I'm treasuring the look of puzzlement on one of my swedish customers face as she tried to work out why bfing at 18 months would be unusual !)

Thank you so much for all your replies. Later in the evening she was moaning about her DS waking at night and the hastle of preparing him some formula and how her DH was a pig for not helping. I did make a sly comment about not having anything like that to worry about but I think it went over her head

I think it only really knocked me because she is a friend. We have always respected each others differing views on Parenting and agree that each Child is different therefore the same routine, feeding method etc can't fit them all!

I suppose I have been lucky to have support from all angles up until now, our local Town is groaning with BF friendly cafes and little benches etc where you can take a break and BF without any odd looks at all. All of our family are proud that I have managed to do this for DD and my DP will tell anyone who asks and is very positive about the whole experience for us all (something to do with not being made to get up in the night I suspect ).

BOOKTHEIF - do what you feel is right. There is no way anyone would make me stop BFing, they may make me upset and angry but it is a special relationship that the two of you have. The only 2 people who can make the decision to stop are you and your DS. Can you talk to DH and explain the emotional side as well as the "facts"?

Final point! I never judge when it comes to BFing. Motherhood is hard and each Woman must do what is best for their Child. I really hope said friend does not think I am judging her for stopping, perhaps I will have a chat to her and tell her no hard feelings but ask her not to comment like that again in company?

what an awful comment. Your plan sounds good - a lot calmer than i would be.

To fend off the comments about much older children nursing, tell your friends that children lose the ability to latch (usually no later than 7 years old apparantly) and hence no one will end up nursing a teenager.

I understand what was mentioned about previous supportive mums thinking enough is enough, my own mum doesn't understand why I am still nursing my 15 month old DD.

But to my mind breastfeeding has got so much easier and I do not think adding cleaning, sterilizing bottles, buying formula and making up bottles to my daily routine will 'help me' (DD reacts to cows milk, so I couldn't put her on that even if I wanted to)

Regarding friends attitudes, I think nursing a baby older than you have feed yourself is hard to understand. Before I had my DD, I thought 6 months breastfeeding was the max for me and thought it was unlogical/yucky to breastfeed a walking talking toddler.

Now I am nursing a 15 month old I have a much better understanding why mums nurse toddlers but I still couldn't imagine nursing past 15 months (but next month I'll be saying 16 months)

I'm a FTM & it amazes me how free other people seem to be with "advice" on such personal issues when you have a baby - What makes them think it's any of their business.
I'm thinking of bfing my dd last & first thing each day as long as I can/she wants - she's now 11months and no sign of losing interest - and was thinking that this would carry on for maybe another year. My DH is aghast that it needs to be part of her routine beyond one - and he has zero experience of babies/children.
Once I was meeting up with some other mums in a coffee bar. I was the first to arrive so wanted to set myself up in a cosy corner and as dd needed a feed, somewhere where I wouldn't be on full view. I (stupidly) asked the guy at the bar if it he minded me breastfeeding (!!) and he actually looked in the pram and commented "the baby's quite little, so not a problem"..........spotty oik. Would he have refused if she'd been sitting up? And people wonder why more mums don't bf..........I don't know a single mum who bfs apart from me, and I have felt like a weirdo.........and I'm not
One woman I know who started off bf asked me when our little ones were 3months when I planned to stop bf, and looking back it was about her judging when it was ok for her to stop, and it seems to just be a culture of constantly comparing because no-one wants to feel inadequate and seeks reassurance for their own decisions. It's your business, do what you think best, and leave me to do mine, is my attitude.
Right, rant over, time for bed. Callmeoverchristmas - warmest Christmas wishes to you and all. Tra x