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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

I hate myself

75 replies

thelady · 13/12/2007 22:58

Someone needs to reassure me, please.

I can't give up on breastfeeding, even though pumping doesn't work, and I've not been able to get anything out for days I keep wanting to try to latch dd on. She's forgotten how, due to being bottle fed for more than 2 of her 3 weeks.

Dh has taken her and is feeding her now as I'm going to probably do something stupid. Is it worth my keeping trying, or have I really gone crazy - think I probably have?

OP posts:

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:01

You need some specialised help yuo poor thing.
Have you tried the (very helpful) Association for Breastfeeding mothers helpline which is manned by volunteer b/feeding counsellors?

Give them a ring in the morning.
08444 122 949

I wouldn't bother with MWs or HVs or GPs.Most know nothing about breastfeeding.,
You need to get straight to the experts.

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:01

Why was she bottlefed?

GoodGollyMissMolly · 13/12/2007 23:01

Please don't hate yourself and do not do anything stupid. I am bf'ing DD but I really dont know much about it myself, I would keep on trying to see if you could get your DD to latch on again.

Hopefully someone who knows about these things will be along in a minute.

sallystrawberry · 13/12/2007 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

thelady · 13/12/2007 23:13

Short version ( see my other threads for the details) - she was born by emergency cs, my milk still hadn't come in by day 5 when the mw in hospital finally noticed that she was severely dehydrated and had lost 10% of her weight. We put her on top-ups at that point, with the reassurance from the mw that she was such a sucky baby that she wouldn't forget and we'd be bf again pdq. I don't think she was latching on well even then.

I tried phoning various helplines, and was eventually given the number of a lady who runs the bf drop-in at the maternity hospital in Edinburgh.

We drove 60 miles each way to a bf drop-in a week past Tuesday and thought we had sorted it after what appeared to be two good feeds with her in the rugby ball position, but the next night she just screamed and screamed if I tried to get her to latch on.

I was given the loan of a pump (two in fact) but never got more than 20 ml at a session after the first one, and 3 nights ago after spending 20 mins twice during the night and getting nothing out, I decided to put the pump away and accept that she was going to be a totally bottle-fed baby.

The decision and the reality have left me weeping less (she is thriving and I can see it) or so I had thought. This evening I realised that I can't let go of it. I'm on the point of crying myself sick, can understand why folk self-harm for the first time in my life, and am so grateful to DH for taking dd away and feeding her just now.

OP posts:

Dalrymps · 13/12/2007 23:15

Don't give up, see if there's a bf councillor in your area, aparently it is possible to get your milk supply back, even mothers who adopt can begin lactating with pumping etc. I gave up bf for 5 days and when started trying to get my milk back was only getting a few drops everytime i expressed with the pump at first, now a few weeks on i'm gettin 4oz a day, not much but ds at least gets one ebm feed a day. I gave up cause had very sore nips, still can't get latch right but keep trying occasionally to see if any better then my nips get sore again so i have a break from trying until they heal, i bf for the first 3 weeks then switched to ff... ds is 6 weeks now. I'm sure if you get the help you need there should be a way to get going again . The bf councillor i saw was really helpfull and gave me a free electric pump! Hopefully someone will come along who knows more about it soon...

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:16

I would seek a second opinion.
It really is worth exploring all aptions.
i will link you to a great blog by a very respected MNer which has all relvant numbers and contacts on it.

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:17

How breastfeeding works

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 13/12/2007 23:19

can you phone the edinburgh lady again? i hear ya, btw, it is SO DIFFICULT all this bfing stuff when it's going badly. i entertained all sorts of weird thoughts like that dd actually hated me when she was scratching and clawing and screaming at me.
what happens when you try to feed her when she's less hungry? and have you found out about domperidone? it's a drug that can really help with yield? i got it in a hospital in Glasgow.

silkcushion · 13/12/2007 23:20

really worried to see this thread. Please stop beating yrself up thelady. frances is doing well. I bet you were ff as were most of our generation. This obsession with bf is ridiculous if people get so stressed they feel as bad as you do.

my friends from antenatal group are bf generally but struggling like hell and feel exhausted all the time and v weepy - so it's not the fantastic solution we're led to believe it will be.

Take care

5goldrings4MONKEYBIRDs · 13/12/2007 23:21

hi thelady - followed your posts before and as Tiktok said then, please don't hate yourself since you have had poor advice and care in your first few days BF. From what others have said it is not too late to get your supply up but you must really find a way of seeing an expert face to face and I know that was difficult for you since I think you live in a rural area?

I think if you're going to do it, you need to really grasp the nettle and listen to Tiktok's previous advice to you: you have to feed and/or express every 3 hours or more frequently, and doubtless you'll need to gradually reduce your formula to up your own supply. If your baby is getting everything she needs from the bottle she won't stimulate your supply enough... But you need expert support because you don't want to do anything drastic like stop the formula altogether and will need support to decide which to do first.

But in the meantime - ie until you get some help tomorrow, why not start each feed practising latching her on again? She may have forgotten but she'll be smart enough to relearn I bet. I imagine you should think about skin to skin contact and making it nice and cuddly and relaxed in the first instance and then start tomorrow full on.

Your I'm probably going to do something stupid and I hate myself comments are a bit alarming - do you need to talk to someone about this? Sorry if I'm misreading them...

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:22

Oh that's really useful advice Silkcushion.

fishie · 13/12/2007 23:22

thelady it will be ok. if you want to start bfeeding her again (relactating is the term i think) then you can. it is very hard work according to my scant knowledge, but if you want to do it then perhaps not so hard eh? or at least you can aim to be more confident in how and why you are feeding her.

tell us again who you have for support.

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 13/12/2007 23:25

Nobody could have tried harder than you to b/feed. You are a lovely mother and Frances and your dh are very very lucky to have you! Just give yourself a break and when you are both calmer try having a lovely skin to skin cuddle with your gorgeous girl. I don't know much about getting b/feeding going again - but I've got 3 girls of my own and I don't think that would hurt! In the morning ring people for advice. I think you can do more b/feeding - but you need to view it as a long term project - but that's ok because you and Frances have a long long time to be together

silkcushion · 13/12/2007 23:31

moondog - i am entitled to my opinion surely?

I am trying to bf my dd 5wks old. she was given formula in hospital as had jaundice. i know bf is best and am expressing several times per day to ensure i give as much ebm as possible. none of the nct bf counsellors have been able to help establish bf yet.

i know exactly how thelady feels. imo i think your sanity is more important than bf. i'm not suggesting people give up at the first hurdle but i do think there has to be asensible limit we push ourselves too.

bf is hard work and those of us who can't do it feel like it is the holy grail and should just be a natural thing to do!

MommalovesHerSpanglyXmasName · 13/12/2007 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MommalovesHerSpanglyXmasName · 13/12/2007 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 13/12/2007 23:33

Yes Silk, it is hard work. I had a hell of a time myself and I'm sorry that you are too.
Of course you are entitled to yuor opinion but i think oyuo will find that a lot of women who are struggling want practical help and do not wish to be fobbed of with guff about formula being just as good.

5goldrings4MONKEYBIRDs · 13/12/2007 23:35

OK lets sit down. You say 'you can't let go of it' If that's the case, and this means you still want to BF then you can have a bloody good shot and all the women who know how BF works on here will support you.

And they'll also support you if you decide you can't go on with it and just FF instead.
I think you need a glass of wine if that's your thing, a bath and a deep breath.

And maybe a chat tonight to your DH, your mum or your best friend about the harmful feelings - but be assured many of us feel we're losing the plot sometimes from sleeplessness, confusion, low morale etc. You're not alone and someone is here to listen - probably all night if necessary.

Don't hate yourself - please read the comments made in another thread about a woman who also posted she felt awful about stopping BF Most women who stop don't want to and they stop because conditions in this society are not conducive to BF. It is not their individual fault or failure.

Nobody helped you get started: fact, plain and simple. We can help you get restarted if that's what you want. But it might not be what you want - maybe you want to give up but feel better about the decision? But that is a decision to be made when you're feeling less tired and more sane. Please sleep on all the options - if you are to build up BF again it isn't going to happen instantly so one more night (get DH to do night feeds tonight so you can have a rest? Sounds like you're in desperate mode?)

And then in the morning latch that baby on even if she doesn't know what to do yet... and get help...

Davidsmom · 13/12/2007 23:37

The lady,

Are you still there? your post was very worrying.

I have been through some of what you have- have been reading your posts but you were receiving some good advice so didnt feel could add anything.

Original poster

thelady · 13/12/2007 23:37

Realistically: there is nothing there. I have no milk, or nothing more than drops, and therefore nothing to give her. I'm not " beating myself up" over the failure, which I think is due to a combination of bad latch (missed because it wasn't hurting), low supply, and top-ups. I am devastated, and hate my body for letting me down yet again.

OP posts:

silkcushion · 13/12/2007 23:38

i don't believe i said formula was just as good. i said our generation was brought up on it - so it's not lethal.

i'm concerned that someone is thinking they may self harm. ime theory is not good enough when yr struggling like hell. i've read the books/threads - as much as i can - it seems my baby hasn't!!!

i was trying to say that thelady shouldn't feel so bad about being in a situation so many others find themselves in. blaming herself or her body is going to make bf harder probably.

Davidsmom · 13/12/2007 23:38

What do you mean "yet again"?

arewenearlythereyet · 13/12/2007 23:39

having a new born is hard work, with or wihtout breastfeeding. you can be a great mum with or wihtout breastfeeding, I could give you hundreds of 'tips' re breastfeeding, have fed 6 of my own, 2 very prem and totally understand your feelings when they 'won't' do it. but, and this is really important, you need to find someone you trust and like, and who understands, (try doula services for advice and pay if you can afford it) and listen to them, and most of all, you need to know, that you are a great mum, for even trying to do all this, and your baby will thrive and love you and not be affected by whatever decision you make right now. I really hope for you htat you get the bf sorted, but if you don't, have lots of baths, naked cuddles, and massages with your baby and love her. Nothing else matters no matter what you think or feel or anyone else does right now. YOu are her mammmy, and she doesn't want anyone else like she wants you, no matter how you feed her. Let us know how you get on, will be thinking of you x

silkcushion · 13/12/2007 23:40

thelady sorry if my post has made situation worse - was not my intention at all

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