I hate breastfeeding

[TooManyAnimals94]

Exactly that. Yet again I have woken up in a stinky milk wet patch because my boobs have let down and soaked the bed. My dressing gown also smells like the posh cheese counter at the deli because I there is only so much laundry I can do and I haven't put it in the machine yet.
I live in fear of getting thrush because I always seem to have saturated breast pads against my skin.
The time when I'm not washing the same three tops AGAIN because I refuse to spend anymore money on nursing clothes, I am fishing said breast pads out of the dog's mouth because she gets them out of the bin and shreds them.
I hate that my fast let down means that instead of serenely nursing my baby to sleep in the evening, the poor child is subjected to having milk sprayed up her nose, I'm her eyes and when she does stop fussing at latch on,she chokes, sputters and cries so I have to calm her and start again.
I have tried using a haaka pump to relieve this and yes it works a bit but it turns the whole thing into even more of a faff.
It isn't 'convenient'! I remember the midwife using this word when she found out I had horses. She said it's so convenient when you're outside because you don't need to worry about hygiene or bottle temp. Yeah, never mind we're heading for winter and I'll soon be fighting through three coats to get my tits out in sub zero temps....so fucking convenient. To then be covered in milk which will make me even colder.
Lastly, I miss my boobs! I never had a great body but I liked my boobs. I liked the way they looked, I liked to have them touched. Now they just look like cow udders to me and I hate the fact I have lost any autonomy over when I get them out. I want to punch my husband if I catch him looking at them. It disgusts me that he could even contemplate them in a sexual way.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this but I thought a rant might make me feel better...it has, a but. I've said I'll keep going until the new year when she'll be three months and I feel like I've 'done my bit plus money is tight and there's no point spending on formula when we don't have to but I'm literally counting down the days.
It's just another thing that NO ONE TELLS YOU! Ladies who have breastfed for the recommended 6 months to a year or even longer, I applaud your resilience. I genuinely don't understand how you do it. Is anyone else a horrible mum like me who resents sharing her body with her child? I did it for nine months! I thought I was done 😂

Breastfeeding my son was awful. I was constantly engorged, milk went everywhere, it was painful and when I switched to formula I just felt relieved. If it’s making you feel this bad then just switch. You’ll feel better. You do not need to feel bad or a failure if you can’t breastfeed for longer. If it’s any help, I fed my daughter for over two years and the whole thing was a piece of piss so could be completely different next time 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

Also my mum says she still feels guilty for stopping breastfeeding because she had unexpected twins and couldn’t keep it up. I’m like ffs mum, We’re 39 now and how you fed me as a baby has no impact now so get over it. She’s in her 70s! Long time to feel guilty. Please don’t put that sort of pressure on yourself, do what’s right for you and your baby will be fine.

I also had fast let down and share a pps experience that some of the memories (spraying into someone’s handbag accidentally at a toddler group) are ones I look on fondly. But others, like all the blocked ducts, mastitis and stress of it all, are pretty sad memories. And OP, I agree so much with your statement that it’s not as simple as ‘just stop’. For me, I would’ve gotten blocked ducts a f a world of pain - it seemed impossible to get out of without suffering, which I think is part of resentment at times. But I agree with others who have said that for most people it gets easier. I won’t lie, my fast let down did not resolve quickly, I think beyond 6mo with both babies. But you have said you think your supply has regulated which is great. This happened faster for me with second baby than first but again was beyond 6mo. Despite all this I persisted and fed them both beyond 2. After the first year, if you night wean, it’s really not a big deal feeding a few times a day with no leaks or nonsense. But - if you are done you are done and you will absolutely not have failed. Being happy yourself is part of being a good mum, I wish I had listened to that advice more when my first was small. Making yourself happy IS making your child happy - symbiotically.

Every baby is so different to breastfeed. Do what’s right for your family.

I breastfed my DD and it was incredible, the best thing I’ve ever done (after the first crappy few weeks).

With my twins I had it in my head I would only BF. I was so anti formula. Didn’t think the bond would be the same at all, and was worried about using bottles.

BUT I LOVE formula feeding, I really do! I’m not going to lie, I don’t feel the bond is the same because well, you are not physically tied to your baby like you are when breastfeeding and you’re not their only source of food and comfort. However, it’s just lovely it really is. DH shares the nights, we have a prep machine which is fantastic. I still go loads of cuddles and it’s taken so much pressure off me.

If you do choose to stop, do it slowly so you have a chance to change your mind. It is also better mentally and to avoid soreness. I did this with the twins. I was never able to fully get them on the breast (after day 5!) anyway for a few reasons but I mix fed for 6 weeks. I had time to think about it so have no regrets.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

I did breastfeed, and enjoyed it. I'm certain it was just luck.
If it hadn't been a pleasant experience for me and my babies I would have bottle fed sooner.
It was a relief to change to bottle feeding at 5/6 months and hand them to someone else.
Do what suits you

I totally understand OP. I'm 3 years in and can't stand BF but I've a very needy DC who finds lots of comfort in being fed and I have to feed them through gritted teeth. Can't wait to be done with it tbh. Having said that, it's been really convenient in terms of being able to feed DC anywhere without worrying about buying formula, packing the right stuff for trips out, worrying about the right teat or temperature of milk when baby has wanted a feed RIGHT NOW, etc. As for the leaking, etc. It does settle down with time once you're in a nice routine.

All I can add is to keep up with the one bottle a day because when they are older , three to six months plus, it can be really hard to get them to accept the bottle.

If you need to "just stop", it is kind of possible. GPs can prescribe a tablet that stops your milk. They used to hand it out regularly (my mum took it). I had to stop suddenly when I was in hospital (life in danger kind of thing and mastitis/exploding tits not helping) and they gave it to me. It was incredible.

I'm right there with you! My LO is 3 months and I've decided to quit BF yesterday because I was tired of waking up in puddles of milk and smelling like it too. She also tends to spit up more breast milk than formula. I had been on the fence for a few weeks because although I love the bonding time, I hate being in damp clothes and ruining the only comfy bras I have.

Bottles aren't as daunting as they seem, you can get an appliance online that measures out water as the perfect temperature to mix your formula with. Turned a 30 minute task into a 5 minute one, and the other half can feed as well. Plus I try to rinse out used bottles when I can to make sure it doesn't start to stink when I wash them later.

you can get an appliance online that measures out water as the perfect temperature to mix your formula with. Turned a 30 minute task into a 5 minute one

And you can achieve the same yourself, in five minutes - all the formula, half the water (boiling), stir well, remaining half of water previously boiled and cooled. Voila.

I hated bf too. First time around got really depressed and gave up around 10 weeks. Was agony and baby was unsettled and mainly not happy. A couple of days into bottle feeding and we had a routine and a happy baby , it was like a transformation. Second time around baby was much better at feeding and so I ended up doing it for 13 months. I hated it but much less pain experienced. She also self weaned really early and loved solid food, so from 8 months very little bf was needed, just 2 or sometimes 3 times a day. I didn’t find bottles hard, my DH and I used to do them all early evening when he got home from work and that was that. Only time they were tricky was if we were going out for more than a few hours, which needs planning, but that was rare.

Your post made me laugh 😅 I remember it well, you should be getting the horses in mucking out and doing the jobs but insted your stuck in the cold car feeding watching everyone else get done lol stick to it ill thr new year then get on the formula! By then you could be in a good routine and stick to it!

Well done OP, you're doing great!

FWIW I never understood the 'breastfeeding is free' argument either.

I spent a fortune on nursing bras and night bras, disposable pads, washable pads, muslins, bed protectors etc.

Despite pads, I was always leaking and drenching the bed plus my clothes. I had to change my clothes after every feed as milk flooded from both sides.

My £ spent breastfeeding must surely have exceeded the £ I would have spent on formula and bottles.

But boy, I did miss it when I stopped at 10 months each time. 😅

I think breastfeeding is genuinely hard in the first days and it can be hard to adjust to the change in use of your body! It does get easier though and the leaking is likely to settle down soon. I breastfed my 3 for a good long while and certainly felt like a martyr for some time but felt it was worth it to know I was feeding them entirely myself as they were growing and that I was giving them the perfect food. Your little one is still tiny, I reckon stick with it if you can and see if you can find some support. Its a big deal feeding a baby with your own body! I don't want to sound patronising at all but I wish someone had recognised how difficult breastfeeding was for me and how well I did considering. Even if you stop at 3 months, that is 3 months worth of breastmilk and you should be super proud of yourself! Also my babies stopped feeding years ago now and I just wanted to reassure you my body feels totally my own again and the temporary interruption and tiny amount of time now! Much love and support from afar x

Breastfeeding didn't work out for me, my tiny baby was early and really struggled to latch onto my flat nipples (that I can't seem to stimulate) and I have felt immense guilt about not persevering and feel like it's caused some pnd feelings within me and reading this post and people agreeing has genuinely lifted my spirits ahead of a dreaded lonely night of bottle feeding. Thank you

Sometimes, mumsnet is a wonderful place! Thank you everyone, you have made me feel so much better. In spite of it's many irritations, I'm not quite ready to give up just yet, although I think I might try and add just one bottle of formula a day so she is used to it. Again, really good advice so thank you.

Try silicone breast pads, they invert the nipple so you don't leak.

Also huge sympathy x

I have gotten to 3 weeks of breastfeeding and introduced bottles of expressed milk about a week ago, alongside breastfeeding. It has been a massive help!
My other half has been able to do one of the night feeds so I can sleep a little bit longer in between feeds and I have been able to have some quality time with my little boy, as I had huge guilt over being stuck to the couch feeding constantly, especially in the first two weeks when baby was cluster feeding A LOT!
I am also still in lots of pain on one side (latch is fine and baby has been checked for tongue tie, neither are the issue), so I've been expressing from that side and feeding from the other. It's so difficult and well done for getting to where you have! But don't continue if it's not for you and having an impact on your own well-being.
I formula fed our little boy so breastfeeding was a completely new concept to me and there are so many things that no health professional told me about before I started. I have thought about stopping breastfeeding daily since I started it, for all the reasons above but I am seeing little snippets of improvement which is one of the reasons I've kept it up. I'd love to say that I'll still be breastfeeding at 6 months or beyond that, but just going off my experience so far, I think it's best to play it by ear and some days, I honestly can't see me getting to 6 weeks let alone 6 months!
You aren't alone and please do what's best for you. I'm a great believer that a fed, happy baby is ultimately all that matters xx

Honestly, whether you give up or carry on it seriously won’t matter in years to come - I’m a primary teacher and couldn’t even begin to guess which kids were bf or ff. It’s just not even a thing.

Do what works for you.

Now on month 18 of breastfeeding and mostly still hate it 😂 no one tells you how difficult it is continuing to sacrifice your body for years 🙃 you have done so well to do it at all OP and continuing to do something you so clearly struggle with for your baby shows what a great mum you are even if you don’t do even another day!

@Athomewiththehales89 I hope you tell yourself the same! I did it until DS was almost two, bloody hated it so I know the struggle. Well done for battling through and doing 18 months xx

Express and store shit tons in freezer. Get baby used to bottle feeding boob milk with other people and then you have more freedom and choice. Mine self weaned at 8 months having had a bottle of bm with daddy since 6 weeks. It does settle down and become easier post 3 months. After he weaned I learned the faff and fear of formula- getting caught short out and about with a hungry baby who won’t take a boob has its downsides… bottles… powder… steriiisng… more to schlep… amounts …

@Luckytattie we’re never as kind to ourselves are we 🙄 well done on two years, such an achievement honestly, the struggle is real! Xx