I hate breastfeeding

[TooManyAnimals94]

Exactly that. Yet again I have woken up in a stinky milk wet patch because my boobs have let down and soaked the bed. My dressing gown also smells like the posh cheese counter at the deli because I there is only so much laundry I can do and I haven't put it in the machine yet.
I live in fear of getting thrush because I always seem to have saturated breast pads against my skin.
The time when I'm not washing the same three tops AGAIN because I refuse to spend anymore money on nursing clothes, I am fishing said breast pads out of the dog's mouth because she gets them out of the bin and shreds them.
I hate that my fast let down means that instead of serenely nursing my baby to sleep in the evening, the poor child is subjected to having milk sprayed up her nose, I'm her eyes and when she does stop fussing at latch on,she chokes, sputters and cries so I have to calm her and start again.
I have tried using a haaka pump to relieve this and yes it works a bit but it turns the whole thing into even more of a faff.
It isn't 'convenient'! I remember the midwife using this word when she found out I had horses. She said it's so convenient when you're outside because you don't need to worry about hygiene or bottle temp. Yeah, never mind we're heading for winter and I'll soon be fighting through three coats to get my tits out in sub zero temps....so fucking convenient. To then be covered in milk which will make me even colder.
Lastly, I miss my boobs! I never had a great body but I liked my boobs. I liked the way they looked, I liked to have them touched. Now they just look like cow udders to me and I hate the fact I have lost any autonomy over when I get them out. I want to punch my husband if I catch him looking at them. It disgusts me that he could even contemplate them in a sexual way.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this but I thought a rant might make me feel better...it has, a but. I've said I'll keep going until the new year when she'll be three months and I feel like I've 'done my bit plus money is tight and there's no point spending on formula when we don't have to but I'm literally counting down the days.
It's just another thing that NO ONE TELLS YOU! Ladies who have breastfed for the recommended 6 months to a year or even longer, I applaud your resilience. I genuinely don't understand how you do it. Is anyone else a horrible mum like me who resents sharing her body with her child? I did it for nine months! I thought I was done 😂

Those bamboo pads are really good actually. Very absorbant and easy to lob in the wash.

Deep down I feel like if I give up and switch to formula I've failed again. I KNOW it's irrational but it's how I feel.

You sound exactly like some of my friends and whilst you say your not suffering mentally you really really need to get out of the mindset that not breastfeeding is a failure. It's not and honestly whilst it seems like a huge deal now in 6 months time you'll be wondering why it was ever more than a passing thought.

Parenting is all about making the right choice for you and your baby, giving birth to and raising a well rounded and happy whole new human being is never something a person has failed at no matter how they were fed or how they came into the world.

You're doing a great job and part of that is remembering that you're needs are important too.

I have the same streak which is what kept me going for so long.
I had a very long labour (I wanted homebirth and ended up in hospital with epidural!) then DS was exhausted and jaundiced and I didn't wake him up to feed and we were readmitted back to hospital etc and put on a feeding plan and basically o was absolutely determined to get DS BF rather than having tiny bottles of my 10ml of BM topped up with formula etc.
Managed it and from then onwards he only wanted BF.
Since DS stopped a few months ago when I got pregnant for the second time I've really just started coming to terms with how silly I was pushing it so much.

But like you, I just did what I felt was right and best for my baby. As you can see now, for #2 I'm not at all as fussed or determined about it.
I will BF initially but I am no way going to push through my hatred for it as it's just not worth it. But I can only see that now I'm at the other wise of it.

You're doing great though and it's perfectly fine to have rants about it...I think it's a good thing actually so others can relate.

@plotato I roll my eyes when I see the old vest and top technique on here.
My breasts are huge and it is just not feasible!

@TooManyAnimals94 I completely understand those feelings unfortunately some of what is taught isn't the reality and nobody knows how their body will respond to birth. Your not a failure at all I have several friends who have felt the same after having emergency c sections etc.

Have you tried your OH introducing a bottle of expressed milk once a day? It might be the compromise that you get one feed a day that your you (you might need to pump depending on how long baby goes between feeds). As long as pace feeding and a very slow teet (I found mimbie to be good) it won't cause issues.

Magnesium supplements can also help if feeling "touched out". It's actually really common, especially in extended BF usually the magnesium helps ease it.

I had a really fast let down, Ds would be gulping so fast. I was advised to pump off some foremilk until it calmed down so was still having to do the whole bottle thing anyway. The milk was initially a bit pink due to cracked nipples. I was horrified and my sister said you wouldn't know it was pink when he is latched on.

Ds was hospitalised at less than a week old, the staff on the cardiology unit could not believe that this was my first child and how much milk I could pump in just a minute before latching him on for the rest. I could have fed 3 babies.

Eventually I just stopped, before the 6 week mark. I was wearing beast shells to catch all the milk I leaked all the time. I couldn't just wear breast pads as they were soaked through so fast. It was like a tap you couldn't turn off. When I got out of the shower I had to put breast pads onto my naked breasts whilst Dh fed me arm by arm into a bra and then I put the breast shells in.

For some women it is just not easy or straightforward. With Ds2 we did mixed feeds due to tongue issues and I pumped off a lot of milk again. But again I didn't make that to 3 months.

Upshot is once I stopped breastfeeding the feeding responsibility could be shared and I felt less tired. Ds1 is now 18 and Ds2 is 15.

If you have had enough and want to swap to bottle feeding and formula then that decision is yours, if you want to continue breastfeeding that decision is also yours. Feel free to rant and moan because I didn't discover MN until just after Ds2 was born, in fact issues with breastfeeding is the reason I came on here.

You're not alone. I couldn't feed my first baby (late diagnosed tongue tie, low supply as a result, millions of lactation support but it still didn't work) and was so traumatised by the whole thing that I didn't try with my second baby.

With my third, it worked! But... I hated it. Hated it all. Everything you describe basically. I had also formula fed two babies obviously, so could compare, and the whole 'oh but bottle feeding is such^ a faff' thing isn't really the case. I could easily bottle feed a baby out and about in the winter compared to battling with coats and jumpers etc like you say. Also the faff^ is just a bit of washing up really, it's not a huge deal. I found breastfeeding much more of a faff with the fannying about with clothes, leaking, special bras and tops, I sweated loads with it too and just felt horrible.

I've got no advice obviously, but you are not alone. Not everyone loves it or finds it easy and I think anyone who does it long term is a bloody hero to be honest.

@Scottishskifun thank you. I was just thinking last night that a bottle of expressed may save my sanity. I think it would be nice for DH to be able to do bedtime with her as well. Apart from the mess I don't mind night feeds and she's a good sleeper so far but it would be nice to go to bed dry! And to be able to settle her quicker. Luckily she will take a bottle...she's a very greedy baby so as long as its milk she's not too bothered by the method.

I did 10 awful weeks and then switched to formula and it was the best decision I ever made - I remember friends telling me what a wonderfully serene and bonding time it was with their baby and all I remember thinking was that I hated every second of it. Do what works for you and don't feel guilty if you decide to stop at 3 months, a happy mum equals a happy baby.

[quote Luckytattie]@Opal8 I'm thinking about just using the premade stuff. Do you need to sterilise bottles for that?
How do you heat it up?[/quote]
Up to you.
I did.
You will need to sterilise the bottles bottles and teats but you ro get into a routine with it
I know some people just use,the dishwasher top rack

My let down was very fast too yet I could not express a drop.
Totally weird.
I also have enormous boobs so no hold really worked for us

I had no milk with ds1.
None.
(Retained placenta not picked up on.and ds1 had under iugr)
I tortured myself about not being able to bf. I truly believe its what led to my Pnd.
With ds2 I did try again but I refused to let it affect my mh and wellbeing this time.
So ff from day 8.
Both my dc are happy and healthy (my eldest just started university)

My first was really tricky but once we started a mix of bottles and boob it got much easier...the second fed fine with breast until 6 months. It's just one of those things 🤷🏼‍♀️. Please don't feel you HAVE to persevere, I got lots of that from HV but totally agree that happy mum=happy baby

Meh, OP if you hate it just stop! It's really not the be all and end all. I did 6m with my eldest and 3m with youngest but with a bottle of formula each day from about 2 weeks too. That was enough for me I didn't enjoy it at all.

I never understand why people say making bottles is a faff. It's one lot of washing up and sterilising a day, if you're organised. Which takes about ten minutes. Get a Perfect Prep machine, jobs a good'un. I know people bleat on about them not being safe, it's nonsense. As long as you use the proper filters not generic ones and rub the cleaning cycles regularly then you're grand. Also you can buy pre-made for out and about and serve at room temp (which is fine for pre-made!). Easy.

Whatever works when your baby is small! If BF is making you feel annoyed or unhappy then don't do it.

It gets much easier

@shouldistop

It gets much easier

As well meaning as this sort of comment is its important to remember it doesn't apply to everyone.

Sometimes it gets much easier.

However sometimes it doesn't and its OK to acknowledge this fact.

It doesn't mean you've failed or done anything wrong it just means this one tiny part of being a parent went differently to how you imagined and that's OK.

@PinkWaferBiscuit I don't know any mums who have breastfed past the 3 months mark who have said it didn't get easier.
I'm sure there must be some but they'd be the minority.
I had ops particular problem and it got a lot better after 12 weeks, 10 months in now and can't remember the last time I leaked, it must have been months ago.

[quote shouldistop]@PinkWaferBiscuit I don't know any mums who have breastfed past the 3 months mark who have said it didn't get easier.
I'm sure there must be some but they'd be the minority.
I had ops particular problem and it got a lot better after 12 weeks, 10 months in now and can't remember the last time I leaked, it must have been months ago. [/quote]
It usually gets easier, but that doesn't mean you like it any more. I hated it for lots of reasons that didn't go away until I stopped.

I thought it was horrendous - I also had it described to me as convenient, but I don't get how it's convenient to be the only person who can feed the baby, and it's hell doing it?!

I had very different problems - milk delay which made my baby seriously ill as the midwives were all anti-formula supplementation and then followed by low supply. I must admit BFing made the first few months with my baby so totally miserable and gave me severe PND.

If it's not for you then there's no need to carry on. I found formula feeding far more convenient and enjoyable (and cheaper!) but I regret forcing myself to carry on with BFing. You get people saying 'don't give up on a bad day' but there never was a day when I enjoyed it.

I'm 5.5 years down the line (BF to 3.5 years) and BFing is the only thing I regret doing from the baby days.

I bf for 12 weeks with my first and then went back to work, full time on a critical truma unit. The other two were formula fed from the outset. All three grew-up into healthy and active kids. No regrets.

If you're not happy breast feeding then don't. It's your call.

And which is more convenient is really down to personal preferences. We did 50/50 combi for first year and prepping bottles and formula etc was so easy and far more enjoyable than BFing.

It doesn't have to be a huge hassle - whichever of us was washing up evening meal washed the bottles first in the hottest water, then they went in microwave steriliser and were done in 6 minutes. It took a few minutes each evening and, crucially, I only did it every other day as DH did it the rest of the time. Then, you make yourself a cup of tea each time you boil the kettle to make a bottle, so it's not taking any extra time at all.

You can also look into your baby's eyes whilst bottle feeding which I found made it a much better bonding experience than BFing where they can't see your face.

@RidingMyBike Yes! I was confused at the whole eye contact thing. My boy couldn't see me my boobs are so big lol.

It was bizarre - I still don't see how I was meant to make eye contact with my baby whilst BFing, the positioning just doesn't work?

It gets easier, much easier and honesty formula feeding a faff too. Neither of the ways is easy.

It's totally your decision if you want to persevere with BF but please, please don't feel guilty or that you're a failure because I've been there and you're not!
My DS is 21 now and I tried (admittedly only for a day or 2) but I knew I hated it. Yeah it might have got easier but a lovely midwife found me sobbing at the thought of feeding him again and gently suggested formula. I honestly never looked back. I did however feel guilty and like a failure because I couldn't provide what I was led to believe was 'so natural' and 'breast is best'.
No. Happy mum, happy baby is best.
It took me a long while to accept that but my DS is now a strapping young man who's just graduated from universe and nobody asks me how he was fed!!!!
The moral of my story is that it's important for you to feel happy and comfortable too.
Enjoy your baby