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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Today I started to doubt my support for extended BFing

87 replies

artichokes · 24/10/2007 21:36

Before I get flamed let me say that DD is nearly 15 months and still breastfed. I am the only one I know doing this so I looked up a LLL extended BF support group.

DD and I went along and . I was really shocked by the other mothers there and the effect their approach to BF had on their kids.

They were all getting their breasts out the moment their toddlers made a whimper. Not trying to distract them or find out what was wrong, no real attempts at communication, just an immediate offer of the breast and an arrogant assumption that this made then superior mothers. As a result of this none of the toddlers were at all sociable. DD was the only one who seemed interested in the external environment. The BF toddlers seemed to have a very insular relationship with their mothers and their breasts.

Now if DD gets upset I try and understand the problem. When she was newborn I at this age I think it is unhealthy to teach her that oral comfort is always the answer and I think it misses a chance to communicate with her and find out what she is reacting to. It would be very easy for me to offer the breast at every murmur, I would spend a lot more time mumsnetting for a start. But that would be about me not her.

TBH this meeting has made me question how healthy extended BFing is. Does anyone else understand what is concerning me?

OP posts:
bigmouthstrikesagain · 25/10/2007 21:41

QoQ - in desire to avoid the rest of the discussion which has become quite brutal - I will answer your question - I am still feeding dd at 18m because she demands it quite fiercely - she actually yanked my boob up and out this afternoon - she spares me no blushes (sorry if tmi)

There is little interest from litttleBigmouth in any jigsaws or owt when she wants a feed! Though I find singing 'row row row your boat' will work at least some of the time - if I need to get on with something. I think I do rely on feeding to comfort and get dd to sleep, but she is also a friendly and confident toddler with a smile for any one so i do not worry aboutblunting her communication skills.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 25/10/2007 21:44

btw she does not feed when we are out or at toddler group and she is always comforted with cuddles - just as well - but it possibly takes her longer to calm down iykwim.

Tipex · 25/10/2007 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chankins · 25/10/2007 22:02

I think Artichokes has done an amazing job getting to 15 months, and perhaps she is feeling ready to stop and that is why she felt the way she did at the club. Just my interpretation. I'm bf my 3rd child and at 6 mo now I have fed him twice as long as I did the other two, so am very proud of that.
I think I will know when the time to stop has come, but it is very unlikely to go beyond one yr ! I think its amazing that so many get that far, and further, but I would quite like my old boobs back soon, and can't really see me bf a toddler, though I have no problem seeing others do it.
Just a question out of pure curiosity, to those extended bfers, at what age would be your cut off point or will you just leave it to the child ?

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 25/10/2007 22:22

When ds3 was still bf, if he wanted a feed and I wanted to chat to someone else I would let him feed. Better that than a cranky toddler hoicking my top up and whinging! If we were home alone, I would do other things with him but a bit of piece and quiet in company does no harm.
Better than biscuits!
( Oh sorry, that was another thread}

knifewieldingtoddler · 25/10/2007 22:24

I'll add some of my experience with 'extended' normal bf.

I know this will be long. But if you want to read nothing else from me then just finish the paragraph below. The rest is just me wittering about my own experiences.

Bf does not happen in isolation of everything else in a child's life. I go back to my geek hero, Dr. Jack Newman for the following quote: "Often we push children to become "independent" too quickly. To sleep alone too soon, to wean from the breast too soon, to do without their parents too soon, to do everything too soon. Don?t push and the child will become independent soon enough. What?s the rush? Soon they will be leaving home. You want them to leave home at 14? If a need is met, it goes away. If a need is unmet (such as the need to breastfeed and be close to mom), it remains a need well into childhood and even the teenage years.

Of course, breastfeeding can, in some situations, be used to foster an over dependent relationship. But so can food and toilet training. The problem is not the breastfeeding. This is another issue."
here

DD is currently 30 months old. she was a feeding freak until fairly recently. She has demanded a lot more often than i can offer. Sometimes I was scared to rest my backside on a chair for fear of calls of 'nickie'.

She is also a late talker - speech finally becoming clearis around a month ago and a lot of it, i can understand but dh has trouble doing. It hasn't been until fairly recently too that she is starting to play with 'friends' with the exception of one or 2 whom she sees on a very regular basis and still enjoys a lot of 'parallel play'. Maybe this so-called lack of socialisation the OP mentioned? It is a normal developmental stage.

In addition, she refused all solids till 10 months old when i gave up attmepting blw and gave her, (and she accepted - huzzah!) sloppy porridge, yoghurt and sloppy weetabix.
She did no lumps till 13mos as she had a strong gag reflex.

For this and other reasons, my norks have been a big comfort to her. I have noticed threads on MN about whether late talkers have more tantrums out of frustration if they get frustrated due to their lack of communication skill. I don't know, because when i could see my dd getting frustrated (and hurt, tired, yes, even hungry - instead of solids), I would offer and she would accept. I don't know if late talkers tend to have more tantrums but if you asked me that and nothing else, from my experience, no.

More than one of DD's carers at nursery note that if she cries, they know something is wrong.

So despite taking out my norks at every opportunity and never being able to distract her without instant meltdown - and I tried from time to time from 4 months old onwards - she is a secure, confident, delightful, happy child.

It is just now that her speech has come clearer that she is becoming less boob-addict - she still fed 4 times today - with her asking - and one was because she needed a snack but i was MNing and didn't notice the time - and for peace and laziness - milk.

I don't feel an need to drop these feeds for fear of what she may become. She will wean herself in good time. Just like how she potty trained herself last week (poos and all) with no encouragement from dh or I. Two potties took up residence in our home about a year ago and she has noticed them on ocassion. She watches us goes to the loo with us and she got the idea. Now she even says 'go away' when she isn't 'done yet' and you are asking her if she is.

FrannyandGreenychordCarrier · 25/10/2007 22:29

Chankins I left it up to ds and he weaned before he was 4

most children if left to self wean will do so between 2 and 4 years old

Yvaine · 25/10/2007 23:07

QOQ - the question to ask is "why do women choose to stop b/feeding", not "why do they 'choose' to continue b/feeding"

All things being equal - why choose to stop, rather than just go with the flow?

Yvaine · 25/10/2007 23:08

(excellent post btw Franny)

hunkermunker · 25/10/2007 23:20

I bfed DS1 till he was almost 17mo - he self-weaned when I was nearly 5m pg (I know, I know, I've mentioned that before on here...!).

DS2's still bfeeding at 21m. He feeds on demand, but he rarely demands when we're out and about - indeed, I wear ordinary underwired bras. He will not feed for comfort if he hurts himself during the day, he prefers a cuddle. However, he feeds well and cosily in the morning and at bedtime (and pointed at my breasts and said "mine" the other day...!), so I can't see him stopping that any time soon.

I mention in relevant conversation that he is still bfeeding, because I think it's important to talk about it in a level, reasonable way with people - I have a slight issue with the "image" of breastfeeding (especially the media shorthand of "hairy hippy, dubious attention to personal cleanlinless, with kid swinging off each tit" which makes me pretty livid).

I really don't mind how long he feeds for. I take offence at people who say things like "time to call it a day" because there's no good reason for stopping if the child and the mother are happy with the bf relationship. You'll get the odd thick uninformed person saying "Yeah, but what about if they don't stop before they're 18?" but that highlights a massive lack of understanding of the fact that breastfeeding is a natural, healthy thing to do and nature usually works these things out very well.

And yes, you'll get people who are uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding older children. But to them, I would say leave me be. I am doing no harm to anybody by continuing to bfeed DS2, so a bit of respect is in order, I think.

But, in response to the OP's concerns, I would say that I have also met a tiny, tiny handful of bfeeding mums who've made me feel pretty uncomfortable with their proclamations about infant feeding in general and judgements of other women. I always challenge them, nicely, and urge them to see the whole picture. I have also met far more bfeeding mums who CAN see the bigger picture (and some right narky ffeeders who think any kind of bfeeding is weird). I think that goes to show it takes all sorts and the best thing you can do is be kind and think about the effect your words have on others.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 25/10/2007 23:30

i didnt choose to feed dd3 til lshe was 26months, she did!

i, sadly, by then thought enough is enough and weaned her off earlier than if she had stopped by herself. i think there was an awful lot going on with me during that period and i just needed a break by then.

unsurprisingly 6months on, dd3 still chats about milkie, and asks if she can feed. but its all gone. so now she goes to the fridge and attempts to pour herself a glass of milk lol. cheeky moo.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 26/10/2007 01:13

LVC, I still feel a bit guilty about weaning ds3. But I had been ttc with no luck and was pg within 2 months of stopping so at least he gains a sibling. Though I think he might have preferred the boo-boo to a sibling, somehow!

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