Giving up

[iamsuchatit]

Feeling really emotional today at not being able to breastfeed. I’ve tried literally everything.

I was expressing milk for her but only getting the equivalent of a bottle a day out and I can’t express as much as I want as she’s such a handful. Plus I had managed to pump out a long milk clog earlier which was gross and I’m still traumatised. So I’m stopping pumping as well as I just can’t be assed now.

I have wasted so much time and money on this and I can’t help but feel low. Also super jealous of those who can breastfeed.

it can be so grim.

How old is your baby?

Have you got support around you - health visitors? Bf clinics? Is formula really out of the question for you?

Sorry for not much advice but I didn't want to read and run.

Have you had professional support? I found that invaluable when I couldn't get latch.

I have so been there! Honestly, fed is best. Pumping can be the absolute pits and you have given it your all by the sounds of it. Time to let yourself off now, hun. Your pumping is done. Be gentle with yourself, know that you have done your best for your child and will continue to do so, even when that means setting your own feeling aside to listen to what they need. Right now your baby needs you to be well and milk in her belly, it doesn't matter where that milk comes from (although I'm not advocating Goats milk or something, formula is a perfectly valid substitute though) xx

It's tough when it doesn't go to plan. It's taken my DD six weeks to be able to latch on so I had six weeks of relentless pumping to keep my supply up for her, pumping 8+ times a day. In her case she just needed to grow a bit and for her jaw to loosen up. She's almost 9 weeks now and can latch on perfectly, which I didn't think would ever be possible!

Sunflower lecithin is good for clogs - I was getting them every day until I started taking it and now I only ever get them if she sleeps too long overnight and I wake up with rock hard boobs I second getting a lactation consultant - ours spotted a tongue tie and tight jaw and gave us some positional advice and said that she would be able to latch in time, which made me persevere with the pumping.

But there's no shame in not continuing. It's not easy and I was lucky to have a supportive partner off work for a month and a very easy baby so wasn't dealing with sleep deprivation. It made the pumping more bearable!

Shes 6 weeks old today. I feel like she’s too old to persevere now.

I tried to get her to latch but she just screams the house down. It sounds awful but I just think she’s too stupid to latch. The nipple would be in her mouth and she just won’t suck.

I’ve spoken to La Leche (I don’t have a group near by). I’ve been to a couple of breastfeeding support groups. The latest one I had two hours one to one with a breastfeeding counsellor and DD just screamed the place down. The health visitor said I was doing all the right things and to just keep trying.

She won't be too stupid but she might have a physical reason for it, such as tongue tie or pain when she turns her neck a certain way, or a small mouth v a big nipple/breast. I have big boobs which made things trickier.

My DD also had a stiff neck either from position in the womb or delivery, so we went to a chiropractor and I think it did help loosen her up and more able do tilt her head back and latch on. She used to get furious when I tried to latch her but literally one day I just tried her on like I did every day without success and she just started sucking. She had a pretty crap latch for about 10 days and it was quite painful for me but then she seemed to figure it out and now it's fine. I know how frustrating it is though. I used to cry when she was so angry and frustrated at my boobs, which probably didn't help as she then picked up on my stress levels too!

If it's making you resentful (not necessarily of her, but your 'too stupid' comment hints that it might be affecting your relationship and bonding) then definitely stop. There's no point in being miserable and stressed all the time

Would you consider trying nipple shields?. Some babies find them easier (i know many people don't recommend them). I used them until about 8 weeks, I also had a terrible time with latch. When my little one got physically bigger, he latched better. (He took the shields off and fed directly!)

Oh another thing I think helped us was using Minbie teats with her bottles. She latches onto them in same way as breast so I think they actually helped get her used to the correct mouth and tongue position.

@poster Celebelly - I’m certain she doesn’t have tongue tie. I do have flat nipples and stupidly big breasts which doesn’t help but I put muslins under the breast to lift it up. I tried nipple shields.

I think the damage has been done to our bond I just think I’ll be closer to the next DC who I hopefully will be able to breastfeed. Not rational or nice I know and I don’t like feeling this way. I’m seeing the dr on Monday but atm I’ve written her off

@Amara123 - I’ve tried three types of nipple shield. She also takes them off my wailing the hands around which is annoying

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think some dark days of breastfeeding were probably some of the lowest I've ever had and I was not prepared for it at all. Whether you move to formula or breastfeeding clicks or some combination ends up happening, things will resolve and you will feel better again. But maybe the type of support you need right now is more emotional support for you. It's all so hard isn't it.

@xtinal - yeah I just wish people would warn out about this when pregnant, that it isn’t easy instead of just going on about how breast is best

It's still really early days and you don't have to breastfeed to build a bond. Take the pressure off yourself and just forget about pumping or stressing about her latching and just spend some time cuddling her and feeding her from the bottle.

It might also be that you are suffering from postnatal anxiety or depression which is either manifesting in or exacerbating your emotions about breastfeeding. Definitely talk to your GP about it. She's only 6 weeks old and it takes time to build a relationship with an entirely new person so be kind to yourself and don't force yourself into doing things that make you miserable because you feel you should

I could have written everything you have said op.
The same struggles as you. Mine caused me to start have some pnd symptoms and I really struggled to like my dd. I felt such a failure because it wasn’t working and ‘if I kept trying, she’ll get it’ according to hcp. I was in tears all of the time and couldn’t hold it together.
I felt that guilt you are feeling. We moved to bottles and the difference was like a switch. We started to bond, she was happy, I was happy. I was finally enjoying my baby.
The guilt disappeared and it’s made no difference to her that she formula fed.

I just want to wade in and say I know how you feel, I was you 15 odd years ago and felt the same way. To make it worse I’d been a maternity care assistant too so was used to latching babies onto women’s boobs and yet my own baby wouldn’t latch for love nor money. I also tried expressing and giving him expressed milk but I was terrible at producing much when expressing so like yourself only. Managed to get I’ve him a small amount each day for the first month before having to 100% rely on formula. It did damage our bond and I was a little resentful for quite a while about it. I will go on to say though I since had three more dc and all were breastfed, all latched fine, no problems with them at all (turns out I am still terrible at expressing though so thankgod they fed ok) I think trying to latch almost immediately after being born helped in the subsequent 3 dc, I don’t know about you, but my first who wouldn’t latch, I didn’t try to feed him till quite a while after he was born, I wonder if that’s where I went wrong. I was also pressured after so many hours of not feeding or latching that I basically had to agree to him being given formula otherwise he’d become unwell, I believe that also was the point of no return, he prob wouldn’t latch after the easiness of a teat.

Fomula is a perfectly good substitute for breastmilk and you shouldn’t feel you’ve failed her, youve tried harder than most to make it work but sometimes the baby’s just won’t! Take comfort that doesn’t mean it’ll be like this again next dc.

@Celebelly - I don’t know how else to build a bond. I’ve tried skin to skin, cuddling etc. She has reflux so she’s (understandably) miserable. I’ve just written her off in my head now.

Hi Op, I have got three kids and when each of them were born I intended to breastfeed them. Unfortunately, for some reason, I just couldn't do it. Each time, I would get advice from specialists and health visitors etc but it never worked out for me no matter how hard I tried.

With my first baby, I felt like a total failure when I had to give up trying to breastfeed and it made me so miserable. By the time I had my third child, I still felt guilty that it didn't work out but not as much.

In your mind if you feel like you have tried everything then that's all you need. Please don't feel bad or guilty, this will not help you or your child.

I personally felt so much better when I moved onto formula feeding and I feel like my babies were much happier too. I am so close to all three of them and I don't think it has affected my bond with them at all.

You can still give your little one lots of cuddles and skin to skin time so please don't feel bad.

@makingmiracles - is your bond with DC1 as good as with your other children? I’m worried I’ll be closer to subsequent children.

When expressing I only get 50-60ml a time when I express although I am using a manual pump. If I could express 8 - 12 times a day it wouldn’t be so bad but I’m only managing 3 - 5.

Just to add as well that she’s always been formula fed otherwise she would have starved (which is really dumb from an evolutionary point of view). She had colostrum at birth as first feed I was practically passed out and so I had the help of two Midwife’s and the second feed, the midwife assistant did colostrum harvesting with me but that was all she got.

Then she’s been getting the odd bit of breastmilk in a bottle since week 3/4. Its only since week 4 that I’ve managed to be regularly giving her a bottle of breastmilk a day.

I think you are at that difficult time when, if your baby is going to have colic and cry a lot, it is starting around now. Also the breastfeeding amps up from 6 to 8 weeks in cluster feeding. And your baby probably isn't smiling at you or interacting so you are getting to feel like you are killing yourself with effort and this little mite hasn't a clue!
It's normal to feel like this. You're tired, feeding is hard, your hormones still aren't settled and the baby is a bit of a demanding blob. You will bond more as time goes on and she smiles at you and holds your hand. It's not long to go before that happens, keep going whichever method of feeding you choose.

@Amara123 - demanding blob sounds like a good description of her 😂 She doesn’t smile, she’s just this little creature that cries at me, pulls my hair, wees on me and throws up on me.

Both sets of grandparents keep wanting to see her so I keep getting visitors and leaving the house with her is such a pain.

She gets fed on demand and is super greedy which doesn’t help our bond as formula is so expensive and if I see the aptamil advert one more time I think I’ll throw something at the tv.

I never expected to feel this way. This isn’t how I imagined parenthood

I'd get an electric pump and/or a haka (or the even cheaper nature bond one from amazon). Cut a hole in an old bra, stick it on and with no effort it gradually fills with milk. Mine would be full in half an hour. Some breastmilk is still much better than no breastmilk - you'll be giving her antibodies and fatty acids for brain development.
Don't write her off. You are everything to her, the only mummy she will ever have and the most important person in her world.

She's not greedy. She's not stupid. Yes you're struggling but she's a tiny baby who asks for nothing more than she absolutely needs and you are her one and only in the world, you are her world.

Please get to the doctor ASAP, stop trying to breast feed and please god stop thinking things like you've 'written her off'. She's so vulnerable and helpless and she only has you.

@Petitprince - I’ve got a cheap electric one from amazon (Bellababy) but I had to stop using it as I used it earlier on and ended up with blisters on my nipple (I hadn’t had a problem with it until today although I knew that my nipples were too big for it). I’ll take a look at the Hakaa or nature bond though. I do want a better electric one I just can’t afford it and didn’t want to spend anymore money on something that wasn’t working.

I thought I was at peace with the thought of expressing instead but after the problems today I’m really not.

She’s not had any breastmilk today as I threw away everything that was expressed today as I’ve just binged on caffiene.

I don’t think she likes me or is attached to me. She prefers DH. Doesn’t help that he just holds her all day on his days off while I get stuck doing the shit “mum” jobs. I get all the crap times with her. Doesn’t help that she was labelled a daddy’s girl as soon as she was born by all relatives (my parents said it when she was just a few hours old and DHs parents keep saying it) so I’m just like I’ll fuck off then...

Hi OP I had to post because I really feel for you. I’ve been there, and it’s awful and incredibly lonely.
A few things you’ve said jump out at me. Firstly you need to set some boundaries with grandparents. Lovely that they want to see her a lot but there’s plenty of time for that in the future. You don’t need lots of visitors at this moment.
Secondly, you are beginning to resent your child. I say this with no judgement - I resented my child as well in the early days. It was a red flag that the approach I was taking to feeding was not going well for me.
She is not stupid or greedy. She’s a baby. They are like little animals when they are born (well, of course they are!) but you don’t get much back from them at first. In a month or so you’ll get your first smile. It’ll be amazing.
My advice is that something clearly needs to change for you to be happy. This is such a special time. If I were you, move to fully formula and make the decision to not feel bad about it. She’s fed, loved and cared for. That’s all she needs. Breast pumps are bloody awful, especially when you are not using them for convenience but because you ‘have to’.
Make whatever decision you need to make to enjoy your baby. You’ve grown her and given birth to her so you deserve to enjoy these weeks.