Giving up

[iamsuchatit]

Feeling really emotional today at not being able to breastfeed. I’ve tried literally everything.

I was expressing milk for her but only getting the equivalent of a bottle a day out and I can’t express as much as I want as she’s such a handful. Plus I had managed to pump out a long milk clog earlier which was gross and I’m still traumatised. So I’m stopping pumping as well as I just can’t be assed now.

I have wasted so much time and money on this and I can’t help but feel low. Also super jealous of those who can breastfeed.

@MyKingdomForBrie - I’m going on Monday. Was the soonest appointment I could get. I’ve stopped as of now trying to breastfeed her for that reason.

Trust me, I hate myself for having these feelings and I don’t make it obvious to her or anyone else. This is my only place I can rant and try to understand my feelings and rectify this.

Besides she doesn’t only have me. She has DH.

Thanks @Cocopops2010

It’s only really in the past week that these feelings have darkened. I don’t necessarily mean “greedy” in a bad way but she is just constantly hungry. She was 17 days over due and weighed 9lb 1 oz. she’s now on the 91st percentile so she is thriving on predominantly formula.

The calling her stupid was out of line I know. I was just fustrated. I do worry she will be thick like me though.

Those who didn’t or weren’t able to breastfeed their first child, how does it compare to your relationship with subsequent children?

In my head I think I’ll be closer to any subsequent children I may have but I know this isn’t rational so please help me see sense

You’re not stupid OP. You have done an amazing thing, growing a baby and giving birth and then caring for her.
Stop worrying about the bonding. As far as I am concerned all that stuff about breastfeeding building a better bond than bottle feeding is just a massive guilt trip from the breast is best brigade. You bond with your baby by spending time with her and looking after her. Seriously she couldn’t care less about whether it’s boob or bottle!
17 days late. I suspect that was not a straightforward birth. I hope you are recovering well. My baby was very similar weight and 15 days late. He was also hungry all the time. It gets easier - now he’s on a pretty predictable schedule with feeding (5 months old, but got much better in terms of not feeding all the time around 8 weeks).
I am worried you are depressed. Tell your relatives that all this daddy’s girl stuff is upsetting you. It would upset me too.

Just wanted to say breastfeeding works for some and doesn't for some. Your body made that lovely child so pls don't be so hard on yourself. The bond is already there. Are you eating and sleeping ok? Pls speak to someone about how you feel. I wasn't breastfed my mum was 19 when she had me, but I had the best relationship with my dear mom who is sadly no more now. She gave me life and everything I am I owe to her. I had him and was more mature and my decisions to breastfeed was no way related to how I was fed. Good luck

Don't know what happened to last line but I meant to say 'my own dc situation was different when I had him I was in my 30s...'

@Cocopops2010 - the birth aspect hasn’t helped my mood. I had to be induced via the drip as the pessaries didn’t work, neither did the million stretch and sweeps that I had. MIL kept nagging for updates about the baby and DH made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough to get her out when she was overdue. I also have a bad relationship with my mum and we fell out big time during the pregnancy as she was such a nightmare.

I don’t feel like I can say anything to in-laws when they mention her being s daddy girl. DH is one of 4 boys and DD is the first grandchild so they are stupidly excited. MIL clumsily said “I was lucky as I had 4 boys and you know boy are mummy’s boys” which wasn’t what I wanted to hear when DD was two days old. I don’t want to start an argument with my mum if I tell her not to say it. Not that she would listen anyway.

I had intended on giving birth at the MLU, having a nice water birth with minimal pain relief but ended up with an epidural (which didn’t help anyway as it didn’t get rid of the pressure pains. I could feel when to push and I was running to the toilet every 5 minutes as I felt I was going to shit myself 🙈). I feel like I failed for needing an epidural. I remember a conversation I had with my boss before I had the baby about how proud he was of his wife that she gave birth with no pain relief so I guess that conversation haunts me as well.

DD was going to be born by forceps or Caesarian as she was in distress (they think she inhaled meconium) so we went to theatre but she was born in the theatre by me pushing her out. DH keeps taking the piss out of how I was during the labour 🙄 I did end up with a third degree tear and episiotomy.

Sorry that was super long!

Thanks @stayfit

That makes me feel better. Sorry to hear about your mum

OP - I think you are my twin! Literally our births were almost exactly the same. The drip is AWFUL and unless you only need it for a couple of hours I genuinely think it is impossible to have it without an epidural.
Go onto the childbirth page and read a thread I started about my own guilt about what happened in my birth. It’s near the top of the page. The responses were so kind.
Your boss’s wife probably had a far more straightforward birth than you. Don’t feel guilty feel proud!! You had an incredibly difficult birth but you DID IT!!

Also your dh is not being kind. He wasn’t the one squeezing a water melon out of his nether regions.

I really feel that your dh taking the piss is unacceptable. Labour is incredibly painful, the drip is notoriously horrendous. It is such a vulnerable time. Also some babies just do go overdue. Nothing you did. It’s just the way it happened. I hope you are ok OP. How is your relationship with your partner? Can you talk to him and ask him to stop?

Never mind everything else, your DH is being a bit of a shit. And your relatives. And your DH again for not telling them all to back off. Is he usually like this?

As for feeding, don't put any pressure on yourself at all. She's had lots of breastmilk, more than many babies, and you're doing really well to cope with the reflux and everything else.

Can you rest or do something just for yourself that you would enjoy whilst your DH has the baby? Rather than try and do housework?

Ok first of all OP, you need to start sticking up for yourself and telling people when they are saying things that upset you, your DP sounds like a bit of a twat if I'm honest. Does he help you much at all? He should not be taking the piss out of you for anything! Labour can be difficult but it's over now you delivered a healthy baby and you did an excellent job! Things don't go to plan sometimes, not much that can be done. You need to tell him he is being a dick and let him know that he was a shitty birthing partner and if he doesn't change his attitude towards you.
You should get yourself to the doctor because it very much sounds like you are suffering with PND.
Stop giving yourself such a hard time about breast feeding, I couldn't breast feed my first, I tried, I chose not to breast feed my second at all, my second was the biggest mummies boy ever! Both are big healthy boys and always have been, it really doesn't make that much difference.

To answer your question about bonding, OP: I’m the eldest in my family. My mum tried to BF me as she had me right at the beginning of the whole “breast is best” movement, I think. I lost a ton of weight and the doctors were seriously concerned. My mum ended up with severe PND, and after a few weeks my grandparents sent their psychiatrist friend to see her at home (she wouldn’t leave the house). He basically told to get up off the sofa and go give me some formula. As soon as she switched me to formula, I started growing, and my dad was able to help out more too which was great for everyone. My mum had 2 more kids after me and never tried to BF them. She has a great bond with all three of us.

Most mums if they BF do so for six months to a year. But we are mums forever! Think of all the years of bonding that don’t have (COULDN’T have!) anything to do with BF! There are definitely other ways. Like you said: skin to skin is great. So is going for walks, smelling the baby’s head, singing nursery rhymes, reading books together (even at a few weeks old!), repeating back to her the sounds she makes (she’ll be so surprised!)... all sorts.

Seriously: take the pressure off. This BF experiment hasn’t worked, and the reality is no one will ever be able to tell! It’s not like you can look at your colleagues and go, “oh, that guy was definitely formula fed” 😝

You’ve got this.

Your DH needs some education about different birth experiences. Show him some blogs and stories about real birth stories. Historically some woman have died during child birth. We are glad we have science and knowledge and options now. You can't push or get a baby out and it's not entirely up to your ability. You should not be made to feel about how it happens.
I had to have a c section after 48 hrs of induction. I didn't know after a smooth 9 months of being low risk I would end up having a section.
I am still very proud of growing and nurturing a life within me and I was lucky that science has advanced so much and I could get my baby and myself out safely. I choose to face a major stomach surgery as it was deemed necessary after 50 hrs of trying other options.
Get an appointment for baby's reflux. Sometimes changing formula can help.
Get as much rest as possible as you are still recovering and speak to hv about how you feel.
As for bonding, speak/sing to your baby, baby bath and massage is a great way of bonding. She has heard your voice in the womb so she will find it v soothing. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks everyone.
I am feeling less low now that I’ve slept.

Whenever I have tried skin to skin with her it’s been a disaster so I’ve not tried since. I’ll try again later. I’ve been trying to find a baby massage class as that will help.

DH’s relative is expecting and whilst im super happy for them, I know there will be constant comparisons Especially as this relation has the best of everything and my baby will be inferior no doubt 🙄 so that’s also going to feel like a kick in the balls, especially if she can breastfeed and has a natural birth as that will be additional bragging rights.

In relation to DH, I don’t think he realises how it’s coming across. He hasn’t done it in a while but he would do it when talking to people about the birth 🙄 I will say something next time he doesn’t it although I can’t see the birth being mentioned again now. He knows how low I felt about the birth though. I am trying to stand up for myself more but whenever I have in the past I’m labelled as being either hormonal or being a bitch.

@Cocopops2010 - that’s crazy, our birth stories are so similar! I did a hypnobirthing course and it all went out the window during the actual birth.

@AssassinatedBeauty - other than mumsnet and napping when he has her, I don’t really do anything else

@Drogosnextwife - he’s getting better at helping but I can count on my hands the number of night feeds he’s done since she was born. He just holds her all day playing on the PlayStation and makes no effort to put her down when she’s asleep so I’m doing all the tidying etc when this happens. He always mentions how he “lets” me nap which gets my back up. I know I need to stand up to the in laws but they are never in the wrong in DHs eyes.

@stayfit I feel like she doesn’t find my voice soothing. I can never calm her down I’ll mention it to the dr on Monday as you can hear how reflux-y she is.

Whoops posted too soon!

@Cocopops2010 I’m sorry that you also struggled with your birth story

You haven't failed at all, not with anything! You're doing amazingly well.

Let's get the whole 'Daddy's girl' thing straight from the start. People always say this. They also say 'doesn't she/he look like daddy?' even when they just look like a squashed up baby. It's a way of making dads feel involved, sure, and also (in some cases) stopping them resenting this new baby for taking away all their wife's attention (and confirming it's definitely his baby!).

But all your baby knows is you. You've carried her for (more than) nine months. She's still a little animal, still in her fourth trimester and not sure where you start and she begins. She doesn't react to you because she thinks she's still part of you. And you get her primal base need cries because you are all she knows.

It's really hard, but she loves you completely. And she isn't stupid - she's brilliant and will amaze you with how quickly she develops.

Don't focus on subsequent children. They may never come, or it may be just the same with each one. Focus on this little one and forget what parents and in laws say!

Oh, and I've just spotted the naturebonds on eBay - cheaper than amazon - less than a fiver and saved my nipples www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Silicone-Manual-Breast-Pump-Baby-Milk-Saver-Suction-Nature-Bond-Breast-Feeding/323646274120

Hi OP - thank you. I feel much better now about it. Instead of thinking I failed, I think that I had a difficult birth, like you, which was not down to anything we did. It's not like either of us thought, 'ooh I know what would be fun, let's ensure baby is over two weeks late and then let's get blasted with synthetic hormones. That'll be a real walk in the park.'
So now I feel proud. You should too. We had tricky births. We got through it. We have lovely babies. You are trying your absolute best with feeding and you are caring for your lovely baby. You're amazing. Really - believe that.

Thanks again everyone. I’ve ordered the suction cups as I feel I’ll be able to get far more done with those.

I like the idea of cutting hours in a bra as well so I’ll do that. I’ll see how it goes as I still want to get some breastmilk in her.

I only pumped 3 times today and none today so that’s not going to do my supply any good.

I keep looking at DD and bursting into tears as I feel so bad for thinking & saying those things about her

Don't give yourself a hard time! It was frustration, sleep deprivation, etc talking. Be kind to yourself and don't dwell. If you catch yourself thinking about it remind yourself that was the cause of it.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice if he calls you a bitch or hormonal if he doesn't like what you're saying. If you challenge him on using such horrible language what does he say?

@iamsuchatit

Could you speak to your health visitor and see what support you can get?
The La Leche League are great.
If you are feeling very down is there somebody you could talk to or could you benefit from antidepressants? There are some you can take and breastfeed.
I hope you find what works for you.
But don't feel obligated to breastfeed if it's destroying you. There are many other ways to bond with your baby. Please be gentle with yourself

The early days of breastfeeding can be fucking awful and newborns can be grim too. Mine was like a miserable, angry vegetable and until she could smile I thought she hated me.

Fingers crossed with suction cups. Be nice to yourself and seek help if your mood doesn't improve.

If it makes you feel any better, I had no issues with bf at all but didn't really love my DS until he was 12 weeks. It took until he was about 20 weeks for me to feel that overwhelming, "He is my whole world" feeling.

Luckily for me my mum had warned me about this - she didn't really love me either for ages. In fact out of my NCT group only 2 people had the famed "rush of love".

Early parenthood is hard, and babies are little demanding blobs that don't give anything back for a while - but it does get easier! And you will love her more.

OP- (and Cocopops!) I had a hellish induction and not the birth I'd hoped for too, after a lovely pregnancy. I vividly remember at about 5 weeks pp wanting to go back to work because I thought my baby hated me + I wasn't that keen on her either; and I definitely remember thinking she liked her dad better than me, and being pissed off he got all the fun things to do. And I got all the shit ones. I was worried I'd never like her and we'd never bond too.

She's nine months old now and I adore her, she's pretty stuck to me and doesn't really like anyone else. So please don't write her off in your head! The whole instant love thing didn't happen for me; and it doesn't hapoen for everyone.

The lack of sleep is a killer, and it sounds like you are really suffering and don't have much support. Of course you are struggling to bond if people are telling you your baby is "a daddy's girl".

Do you feel up to saying to them that she loves her mummy best? Fake it til you make it + all that? And saying that to yourself too?

If you are desperate to continue expressing (which is timeconsuming, boring and definitely increased my feelings of "arg he gets the fun stuff my life is shit I am a moo cow"), ask your hv if they have hospital grade machines you can borrow short term. They make a huge difference to how long expressing takes out of your day.

I hope things get better for you soon.

How are you feeling Op? Hope you had a much better day today? Please stop feeling bad about everything, you are doing absolutely great. Maybe your baby is sensing that you are really anxious and upset and that's probably why the skin to skin contact isn't going well. Baby's can detect how you are feeling and it really does rub off on them. Just try to relax and don't put any pressure on yourself. Like I said in an earlier post, I never managed to crack breastfeeding with any of my three children but they are all absolutely fine- happy and healthy. My mum never breastfed me and any of my siblings either and we are all fine too. We love our mum to bits as she has done so much other stuff for us over the years.