selfish, vain but miserable mummy!

[Ellaroo]

I am currently breastfeeding baby no2. With my first child I fed her for 17 months and loved it - didn't mind about changes to body and enjoyed the whole experience. However, my second child is now 11 weeks old and I am hating breastfeeding - this time round I feel mortified if I have to feed in public, I can't stand my enormous breasts (they go from an AA to a DD when I am breastfeeding)and I feel like I look like a leaky hideous blob and feel utterly depressed about the lack of clothes that will hide breastpads (I have always had bad oversupply) and the amount of clothes that can't be worn with a bra. I don't mind the actual breastfeeing bit when it's just me and ds, but hate everything else. I am currently mixed feeding (bottles at in evening and bf in day), however, feel dreadful that I am even contemplating giving up when I fed my first child for so long and know all the benefits but at the same time feel miserable. I know this is all very selfish and vain - has anyone else ever felt like this? I just want someone to tell me what to do!!!! Sorry for moaning. Thanks x

Hi Ellaroo, nobody can tell you what to do but I can tell you that I think you should do whatever makes you happy. Great if you can breastfeed and want to and enjoy it but if you don't you really don't have to carry on you know. I'm sure others will be along in a minute to give you advice about how to make it easier if you decide to carry on but I just thought I'd add my view, which is that the happiness of the mother is as important as the happiness of the baby. Yes, breastfeeding is best but it's OK to bottle feed it you want to, really it is! (I bottlefed both mine for various reasons)

And btw I don't think you're selfish or vain!

Hi Ellaroo, you have my sympathy. I have been feeding dd for 5 months and though I love it I hate my big boobies. It is hard to change your body image, espicially after giving birth. They aren't as big as they were at the start and the leaking has stopped. Sorry not much else to add.

I think that if you hate it, you hate it and it's not good for you, the baby or anyone else. Give it a couple of weeks and cut down slowly, if you want. See how you and your body handle reduced feeds.

You're not moaning. You've done a great job.

Stop. If you're not happ ythis will rub off on your baby. Better a bottle feeding happymummy than a sad breastfeeder!

Maybe switch around the feeds so you're bottlefeeding in the day but breastfeeding in morning and evening? Sounds like you hate the public feeds most so this way you're only doing it at home...

Agree that if you are miserable, bottle feeding your baby will do no harm. You have breast fed for 11 weeks and your baby must have benefitted enormously xxx

thank you so much for all you kind messages - it is much appreciated. I do feel that I would be happier bottle-feeding, but at the same time feel very aware that this is probably going to be my last baby and so the last time I will ever breastfeed and it feels such a horribly big decision to make on the basis of how it is making me feel in terms of body image rather than anything else. I wish I could drop the feeds down to just one a day so that it wasn't such a definite end, but unfortunately I know that this doesn't actually reduce breast size with me - I have to completely stop before they return to normal - for the last 2 months of feeding my first child I was only feeding once a day, but they were still just as huge! I remember it feeling like a wrench when I finally decided to stop feeding my dd at 17 months, but at least then I knew that I wasn't depriving her of anything as she was past a year, this time it is a wrench with lots of guilt piled on top. Oh dear. Thanks for all your advice.

Ellaroo, then bottlefeed. I think a happy mother is worth more than anything else. Don't feel guilty. You seem like a great mother.

Ellaroo, lots of sympathy, its a bloody horrible way to feel, I know.
I can't tell you whether to bottlefeed or not, but I struggled with breastfeeding, I hated everything about it. I stopped when DS2 was 4 months, after weeks of agonising about it and boring half of MN to tears about it. The first couple of days after I stopped, I felt bloody shocking, really guilty and upset - I felt like a useless, selfish mother.
Then I started realising that formula milk isn't toxic waste and that he was perfectly content on it, DH loved being able to feed him, I felt freer during the day (I know one of the pros of breastfeeding is being able to do it anywhere, but I could only do it at home, unobserved so it didn't work out for me like that!) and more able to get out and about. I was happier and so was he and whats more, he is perfectly healthy on it.
You've done a great job breastfeeding for so long with your first and with your second baby. If you want to stop, don't beat yourself up about it, you are not being vain or selfish - that much is obvious from your post

hi ellaroo, glad you had such wonderful advice. and good on you for voicing your thoughts. you are not selfish, infact quite the opposite as you are continuing to feed even though your not enjoying it.
You know the pro's and cons for b/f and for bottle feeding and all that should be taken into account, but your feelings should also be taken into account.

i think skerriesmum has a good idea, that way you can enjoy the intamacy with you and baba and be comfortable in the day time, you will also be able to wear more things that you cant cos your b/f for example dresses.

hope you feel a bit better tho and dont feel presured.

also you are not vain, it is just hard for you to adjust to such a change in your breast size,

Choosing to bottlefeed is not selfish. Everything that you do for your babyfeeding (in whatever form), bathing, nappy-changing, tending when illis selfLESS. People who would call (or think) you selfish or vain are short a marble or two. Don't internalize that nonsense.

But what makes me even sadder about your situation is the body image thing. It sounds as though you're worried about how you & yr large breasts will be perceived when you feed in public. Again, you're internalizing some ignorant/cruel judgments out there about "acceptable" body types.

It sounds as though you're getting pulled by two different arguments, one for stopping and one for feeding--and both arguments are based on what others will think. You said you enjoyed feeding baby no. 1. Maybe that enjoyment is still there deep down, and you're being distracted by more cosmetic concerns, i.e. clothes and breast size and what people will think when you feed in public. I guess I'd advise that you try (though it's so hard!) to separate out all this "what will other people think" stuff and make a decision that's truly based on your desires in this matter.

It's a hard decision but I agree with the others who say drop a few feeds and just feed morn and eve and see how it goes. Your body may surprise you and reduce in size. If it doesn't then you can make the decision to move to bottles for good or not.

I only increased one cup size when bf and found that hard enough to deal with let alone several sizes. [hugs]

Ellaroo - don't do it if you don't want to. DD1 was a breeze, but no number of HV's made it work with dd2. I knew what to do, dd2 didn't, and no number of HV's could have helped us. Big smile for you being so positive

I agree with everybody else; you do what you need to do, and the baby will be great. I feel a little funny about it though, as a DD normally and about a DDD while feeding. Yeah, it does restrict the clothes you can wear, but it's not impossible. Would it make things better if you got some more clothes that worked better? Perhaps a large-breasted friend could help you find some things that you actually liked. I know that it makes a big difference to me.

Als, if she's only 11 weeks, are you maybe a bit depressed? You may be feeling like a leaky hideous blob because of hormones, which would explain why you also feel bad about the idea of stopping.

It would be fine to stop; these are just some ideas to think about as extra options.

This is your decision - I feel uncomfortable with statements that indicate the most important thing is that you are happy....though I know these statements are well-meant. Clearly, this is not the way you think at all, or you wouldn't feel so bad, and not the way many mothers think.

Part of being a mother is doing a whole load of stuff which doesn't make us happy, but we do it out of love, and because we take the long term view that some things are uncomfortable, painful, awkward and need working at in order to have a better outcome.

When your child is older you will sit through 'entertainments' that have you blinking back tears of boredom (or is that only me? ) as you watch some other person's kid sing/play the violin/murder some poetry because yours is in the back row of the choir. Or you will mop up vomit, or change pooey pants, or face an angry teacher....none of this makes us happy, and some of it makes us feel very unhappy. But we do it.

I think californiagirl's notion that you may be depressed is worth following up.....it would be a shame to stop breastfeeding and then fine you felt even worse

It's no one's business except yours whether you breastfeed or not, as no one should judge the things that are most important to you. And being happy, actually, may not be the number one thing. But you do deserve to have treatment for any depression and help and support with self-image....and I really hope you get it.

Good post tiktok.

Hope you're feeling happier about things Ellaroo. Definitely agree with those who suggest you talking these issues through with someone in real life.

FWIW I b/f ds for 17 mths but my boobs didn't return to their normal size. I was a 36D pre pg 34J while b/f and I'm now a 32G. I'm 5ft and a size 12 and I look very top heavy. But short of a reduction op, I don't think there's anything I can do.

What I'm trying to say is, stopping b/f won't suddenly erase all the feelings you have about your body image. This seems like a much deeper issue with you. Your baby is still very young and dealing with 2 is a whole different ball game to having all the time in the world to enjoy being with one. Are you possibly also feeling guilty about not spending enough time with your dd?

All the best

Tiktok, I do happen to think that a mother's happiness is AS important as a baby's. So maybe we'll have to agree to disagree on that point.

Your comment is patronising imo. These statements aren't just well meant: a lot of us believe them to be true.

Yes, of course part of being a mother is "doing a whole load of stuff which doesn't make us happy" and yes "we do it out of love, and because we take the long term view that some things are uncomfortable, painful, awkward and need working at in order to have a better outcome" but mothers don't have to do all of this 'uncomfortable, painful, awkward' stuff and we don't always have to do the stuff that makes us unhappy. IMO women shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to breastfeed - not everyone wants to/is able to and that should be fine. Women need supporting in all their choices, not just the choice to breastfeed. All IMO of course.

WWW, you think like that, elaroo clearly doesn't, or she would have simply switched to bottle feeding.

I don't judge anyone. It is fine to think a mother's happiness is as important as her baby's health (I am inserting 'health' here, rather than happiness, as I don't think we can say for certain whether the baby would be happier on the bottle or not)...there may be many reasons in an individual's situation that result in this equation.

I pointed out that while the sentiments urging ellaroo to stop, to put her 'happiness' first and so on were well-meant. they were jumping to the conclusion that this was the only way to be. By the way, what's patronising about that???! I was acknowledging that you had ellaroo's interests at heart. If you 'believe them to be true' then you are putting your opinions up as fact.

My post pointed out that this is not the only way to be.

Of course women should be able to choose.

Breastfeeding is unique as a 'health choice' because it involves our bodies and our body image, and this is so loaded with politics, culture, history, emotional factors, that no one can make the choice for anyone else. It's also why it is pointless telling someone 'not to feel guilty' - those feelings come from inside and they don't stop just because someone else tells them to!

Lisa stopped feeling guilty (after a bad few days) because she weighed up everything and came to a conclusion that made sense in her own, individual, particular situation....that's all anyone can do.

We share insights and information here, not dogma, and on the whole we accept, as I do, that posts are well-meant. I do not accept that presupposing people's goodwill is patronising. It's just saying that mainly, we're good guys on here, even though we disagree from time to time

Ellaroo, what has changed since you breastfed your first child? If you didn't have a problem with your breast size and clothes first time around, why now? I don't think you are selfish and vain at all, but you do sound depressed, could this be a bout of PND?

BTW, I'm saying that having realised in retrospect that I probably did have PND myself. I spent the first 4 months of dd's life absolutely bloody miserable, even though I had a brilliant dh and close friend, and didn't have any problems with breastfeeding. If you think you might be depressed, please talk it through with your HV or GP, you can get help.

Ellaroo a not-entirely-frivolous suggestion from a bfeeding mum with hidden shallows but have you tried going to a posh bra shop and getting fitted with some fancy underwired numbers that really fit?

I've given the underwiring a miss this time round as I've had repeated mastitis, but otherwise it is incredible what a glamorous, sexy, well-fitting bra can do for your shape, even if you are bfeeding.

If you're in london I would really recommend a trip to Rigby and Peller ; otherwise Bravissimo are good too. I'm something unspeakable like 34FF when bfeeding , but with a decent bra it needn't look as bad as it sounds.

hth

Hi Tiktok. What if I were to say 'I know Tiktok's statements about breastfeeding are well meant but...' Do you accept that this might be construed as patronising? Maybe you don't, if not, fair enough, we disagree. But I think if I said this I might be accused of not taking your comments seriously (well actually, I wouldn't be taking your comments seriously if I were to say this!): to me, it's the written equivalent of a pat on the head! A sort of 'yes, dear, we know you mean well but you maybe don't have all the facts and ought to go away and think about it, hmm?' So that's what I meant by patronising, I don't know if that's clearer. Yes, I do believe that a mother's happiness is as important as her baby's but although I'm saying it's my belief I'm not saying that it's 'fact' (so you're right, I shouldn't have used the word 'true' in that case, I agree with you) or that others have to share my belief: I'm not being dogmatic. I'm going to bow out now since I don't want this to turn into yet another breast vs bottle debate: I want Ellaroo to get the help she needs. My view is that women should be supported in their choices. Very often though that seems not to be the case and that's a shame.

Hi Ellaroo, how do you think you would feel if you gave up now? If you really believe you would feel good and happy and not depressed, then yes, it might well be the best thing for you to stop. But if you think you will feel guilty and sad, then maybe it won't be. I also wonder what has changed since last time? And if you might have PND and be focussing on the breastfeeding because of it. I also wonder why, if you hate breastfeeding in public you are giving a bottle in the evening when you could feed privately at home, and not in the day when it might give you a bit more freedom and privacy. DD isn't so huge, it's what I am normally And I barely realised that clothes that couldn't be worn without a bra existed (though of course I totally realise DD is huge to you). I know what it is like to hate your body after having a baby. I remember crying to my dh that I wouldn't have had my son if I'd known what it was going to do to my body - and I worship him. I also know what it is like to feel shy about breastfeeding in public, esp with a little baby who struggles to latch on. I got addicted to the mother and baby rooms in Peter Jones at that stage. As for vain, the main reason I gave up at a year-ish (I was mixed feeding too) was because I wanted to wear dresses again. I'm certainly not judging you. But you seem very down and harsh on yourself and that does sound like depression to me.

WWW, you could say that and I wouldn't feel in the least patronised or patted on the head

I am bowing out now.....I think ellaroo has got some good food for thought, and hope she works things out to maximum happiness all round. I like the bra idea - it's not just me that likes sumptuous undies, it seems!

I actually didn't think you were being dogmatic - not at all. Not everything I said in my post was directed at you