selfish, vain but miserable mummy!

[Ellaroo]

I am currently breastfeeding baby no2. With my first child I fed her for 17 months and loved it - didn't mind about changes to body and enjoyed the whole experience. However, my second child is now 11 weeks old and I am hating breastfeeding - this time round I feel mortified if I have to feed in public, I can't stand my enormous breasts (they go from an AA to a DD when I am breastfeeding)and I feel like I look like a leaky hideous blob and feel utterly depressed about the lack of clothes that will hide breastpads (I have always had bad oversupply) and the amount of clothes that can't be worn with a bra. I don't mind the actual breastfeeing bit when it's just me and ds, but hate everything else. I am currently mixed feeding (bottles at in evening and bf in day), however, feel dreadful that I am even contemplating giving up when I fed my first child for so long and know all the benefits but at the same time feel miserable. I know this is all very selfish and vain - has anyone else ever felt like this? I just want someone to tell me what to do!!!! Sorry for moaning. Thanks x

Well, we'll bow together then tiktok and please, bollock me and tell me not to be patronising if you ever catch me using that phrase Ellaroo, hope there's something helpful here, sorry I went off topic a bit!

Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I did decide to switch to bottle-feeding in the end and am currently waiting for all my milk to go away which is always a sad thing. Quite a few of you seemed to think I might be depressed - I don't think I am - I suffered with depression about 10 years ago and so think that I would recognise the symptoms and genuninely don't think that it is depression that is making me want to give up breastfeeding. I think what has changed from when I fed my daughter for so long is that then I had the luxury of sitting around being completely absorbed in my new baby with no other focus. I think I have found a second child very different - in that your attention is much more divided and you can't allow yourself to consumed in quite the same way and so for me the emotional pull to breastfeeding has been much less strong - not enough to override the other factors. This is not to say that I don't feel like I have bonded with him or love him any less than my daughter - I don't. I think I've felt much more desperate to get back to being 'myself' this time to get back in control of life, playing with my dd and ds unencumbered (is that a word - looks suspiciously like cucumber!!!) by big leaky breasts and uncomfortable clothes. I've just read this back and it all sounds very odd and I am failing miserably to articulate how I actually feel, but hopefully you get my drift. Tiktok - I do appreciate you presenting the other side, however, I think sometimes mumsnetters may sense that you just want support for what you're about to do anyway and that it's most helpful to say what they feel that you want/need to hear - and in this case that was exactly right for me - I just needed for some people to say that what I was doing was okay, as I was so at odds in my head with what my heart really wanted to do, that I really appreciated people saying that bottle-feeding wouldn't be the end of the world. sorry for rambling. thanks everyone. x

ellaroo...glad you made the decision that was right for you. I made the decision to give up breast feeding when ds2 was 3 weeks old. He was feeding for ages and ages and I had two other toddlers to consider. I found it much more difficult to breastfeed 2nd and 3rd time around. are things any better?

Yes, things are a bit better - in that I feel happier - although my milk doesn't seem to be going away! The bottle sterilising etc seems to take forever and creates more work, but despite this I do feel like I've made the right decision.

ellaroo, glad you worked out what was best for you all

Thanks Tiktok . Anyone got any idea how long it will take for the milk to go away. I had heard Sage was fantastic for this, but alas, none of it seems to be going away even after guzzling a whole bottle of the stuff! Can I also caution anyone who is favouring one breast - I always fed ds from my right breast much more than my left - you will regret this when you eventually stop - I know have my left breast at a moderate D cup and my right breast is a whopping G cup with awful blue bulgy veins in!!! Needless to say I have stayed in a lot this week . Any tips other than cabbage leaves and sage would be greatly appreciated! I gave up on Sunday, so it is 6 days now...

Tiktok, not all the people who ask for help about breastfeeding are actually willing to continue, I got very depressed because I couldn't breastfeed and certainly comments simmilar to yours contributed to fuel my depression. Now I know I was looking for help because I wanted somebody to tell me that after all, I was not such a bad mother just because I couldn't breastfeed, I didn't need to hear "Oh, you should have gone to a breastfeeding advisor" when my milk was gone, or "breast is best" because I don't think it exists a mother in this country who doesn't know that, I just wanted somebody to tell me everything was going to be OK.

Unfortunately, when I posted about this at Mumsnet the only response I got to my query was silence, I am very happy Ellaroo has found people here who has supported her in her decision.
And also think that WWW has a point, after all you are the only person who has asked another Mumsneter to retract what she had said about her own experience with a breastfeeding suporter group in particular... would never understand how did you dare... so I found your remark
"We share insights and information here, not dogma, and on the whole we accept, as I do, that posts are well-meant. I do not accept that presupposing people's goodwill is patronising. It's just saying that mainly, we're good guys on here, even though we disagree from time to time" very good but probably, something that you should practice as well. (just sharing my insight, sorry )

Puzzled why you think it is useful to bring up a thread which ended 2 months ago, I thought amicably, chandra. You memory of what I posted is inaccurate and unfair, anyway.

My point in posting on this thread was to try and suggest that telling a mother what to do with regard to feeding, and what to feel, is not helpful. We had posts telling Ellaroo to 'stop' and 'don't feel guilty' as well as other directive stuff which I don't do.

Those posts were meant supportively, I know, and I say that so you don't think I am being judgemental about people who come out with these 'orders'! I know I run the risk of being thought patronising, but tough shit for me, eh

For the record, I have never in my life told anyone 'you should have gone to a breastfeeding adviser' or uttered the words 'breast is best'. I might have explained to someone how breastfeeding support and information works, so they can access it for next time....if that is what they have asked.

I am not sure what you mean by telling me I should practice something, but I suppose you mean I am dogmatic in some unspecified way.

But Chandra, it can be quite hard to tell from people's posts what kind of advice they want.

Some people who post saying 'Breastfeeding is agony and I think I should give the baby a bottle' may indeed be looking for confirmation and support in their decision, but others may be looking for practical help and advice as to how they can make bfeeding work.

Without knowing people personally, it's sometimes hard to tell from the post which side people are coming from, so some of the advice is bound to not strike quite the right tone. I presume people post on here in the assumption that they will get lots of different ideas from which they can choose the ones that feel right for them, and most of the time that seems to be what happens.

ellaroo - get expressing to get rid of your milk. If you've not got a pump, you can hand express. I was told this by a breastfeeding counsellor - don't stop cold turkey, but to express the milk off instead - your body will realise that it needs to reduce and completely stop milk production if you do this.

That's a good way of looking at it, frogs - you ask, you get different viewpoints, experiences and opinions, and then you choose from them.

ellaroo - my last message was a bit garbled - what I meant was that you shouldn't worry about expressing maintaining milk production - your body will realise what's happening, and your milk will eventually dwindle down to a stop.

mummytosteven, thanks, I hand-expressed some this morning as they were still completely massive. Should I express the whole lot out so that there is no milk left in them or not - I have only expressed the one that was a G cup down to a D cup (I'm an AA, so still really heavy and lots of milk in there)?

Tiktok, sorry I hadn't meant to start bad feeling. You were quite right to give your opinion - when I posted I had wanted different opinions - it was only afterwards that I realised what I really wanted was for people to tell me what I was doing was okay, so I didn't have a problem with your post. However, I do think that I do lots of things that involve self-sacrifice for my children and that make me feel bored/unhappy/frustrated as you said. However, most of these things are only temporarily problematic - the problem for me with breastfeeding is that the unhappiness was constant for me and overshadowed everything else so although I understand what you are saying, I didn't feel that it was quite applicable to my situation. However, my experience of breastfeeding my first child was so positive that I can see that before having my second child I would have found it hard to understand how someone could not just get on with it and make the sacrifice for however long the child wanted to feed for. Anyway, that's all rambling....

ellaroo, you didn't cause bad feeling at all....as I tried to explain to chandra, my comments were more a reflection on the complexity of your feelings as a mother, as a counter to the people who were with the best intentions (whoops, patronising again ) telling you what to do and what to feel.

You took it the way it was meant to be taken!

Chandra and others took it that I was somehow telling you to continue breastfeeding.....but I wasn't.

Hiya - I meant to express the whole lot off -though w/out a breast pump that could get a bit knackering to your poor hands! Hope you feel better soon. Tiktok - do you have any further tips/advice for Ellaroo on letting the milk go down as painlessly as possible. I have heard that you can get tablets to stop the milk from the docs as well but never tried those. Again maybe Tiktok might know whether these would be a good idea or not...

thanks mummytosteven, got my breast pump out of the loft last night but it seems to be broken...ohn dear!

Medication to get rid of milk is no longer prescribed because of known and potentially serious side effects (and I mean serious - there have been incidents of stroke) - and when nature does the job just fine, it can hardly be worth it. Sage and cabbage are tried and tested, and there is a little bit of research that shows they work, and won't have harmful side effects. There is anecdotal evidence for epsom salts, but I don't know how they work, sorry - a pharmacist might know.

It is likely to be a few days before you feel comfortable, ellaroo, but you will have milk for weeks, if not months, but not enough to make you feel uncomfortable.

HTH

Message withdrawn

essbee - that is so kind of you!!! However, in desperation (mine, not his!)dp sellotaped breastpump together in such a way that suction has returned. I expressed the whole lot off later this morning (all 18 fl oz of it - it took over 1 hour!!!) and now have pancake flat chest - horah!!! Am just waiting for it to flood back in overnight - but ah, the relief - even if it is only temporary. Thank you so much for all your advice!!!

Ellaroo - I have read most of the posts on this thread but have become exhausted!!! I just want to say what I don't think anyone else did and that is that I felt exactly the same as you. I have 3 children and started stopping with all of them at 3-4 mths.The way I felt about myself as a breastfeeding mother - ie hugely overweight and HUGE boobs was really getting me down. Yes, the control thing, I think. My youngest is now 2 and I have finally lost my excess stone and I feel great for the first time in almost 7 yrs.

TW - glad it's not just me that has felt like this (although sorry that you did of course!). Pleased to hear you are looking and feeling so fantastic eventually - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like you did, I have a stone to go until I reach my pre-pregnancy weight - I bought a fantastic exerciser thing from Boots (that looks sort of like a cat's craddle - like the game played at school - but for the body!) - and I am hoping it will work. Unfortunately, a box of Guylian chocolates also slipped into my basket at the same time, but they're all gone now, so I am starting afresh today in my fight against the flab! DS seems to be happy and thriving and I feel that I have been more relaxed with him in the last week, so I am trying not to feel too guilty each time I look at him. I'm sure in a couple of weeks this feeling will have faded and it will have been the best thing all round (although obviously not nutritionally, but in every other way)...

Thanks for the info Tiktok and confirming that medication is a seriously bad idea! Glad that you are currently feeling relieved, Ellaroo, and that the breast pump is functioning. A hot shower can also make you leak, and therefore get rid of a bit of the discomfort if you end up engorged again.

Ellaroo,
I had to give up after 3 weeks, but unfortunately, the guilt lasted a lot longer....

Bear with it. DS is now nearly 10 months and absolutely gourgeuos and it all seems like some horrible dream, the pain/mastitus/worry.

I still feel guilty sometimes when I see a mum breastfeeding, or read a BF thrad on MN. Looking at DS I know I made the right choice for my family and looking a those chunky thighs, he doesn't appear to be suffering for it!!

BR

ellaroo - how you feeling now? Are you feeling more comfy/less knackered?

Thanks mummytosteven, I am feeling sooooo much better - almost human! Expressed all the milk off on Sunday and had nothing since - until today when milk started suddenly appearing on pale blue t-shirt - arrrggg! thank goodness I was at home! Not sure why it's coming back now, but suppose it will go away soon.

Thanks for asking, I really appreciated all your help/support/advice. x