Reasons why women don't breastfeed

[ohthegoats]

Today's breastfeeding 'news' from Brazil. I finally heard a sensible comment on the story at about lunchtime today - a woman saying that there shouldn't be surveys on whether or not it's a good thing to breastfeed, because everyone knows it is. The research should be into why so many women don't do it, or don't stick with it.

Here are my reasons why I don't like breastfeeding - has anyone got any to add? Or ideas to mitigate the issues?

After being so out of control of your body during pregnancy, being poked and prodded and 'nanny stated' out of your mind, you want control back.

Little help available when you have problems - I know this isn't true for all people.

Having to wear such unflattering underwear in order to be able to get your boobs out easily. Why hasn't this been sorted out? Why so few underwired options that actually work without causing duct blockages? Why so expensive to get even a crappy underwired one?

Having to wear clothes that are mostly unflattering too. I have one reasonable breastfeeding top out of the 10 I have bought - H&M for a tenner in the sale, not been able to find it again. They are all either too plain coloured, too low necked, horrible material, too tight in other places etc etc.

Getting stared at in public for doing it.

Being confined to the sofa for days on end.

Waking up covered in yoghurt for reasons you don't understand.

Boobs squirting milk during sex.

Think that's my starter list.

I'm 5 and a half months into ebf with my baby... plan to start moving away from it at 6 months. I've done it because it's the 'right' thing, but I've mostly hated it.

I am not 'marginalising' or 'minimising' or saying 'oh well' to anyone. If I am speaking to someone individually, I might comment on how unusual something is, but that's not the same as disbelieving or dismissing.

I am being aware that these forums are read by 1000s of women trying to make informed decisions about their feeding. I think it may help them to know that what individuals experience may not apply to them.

Knowing an experience is unusual does not have to make someone feel a failure, and I hope no one does. I never use that 'f' word in relation to feeding anyway.

Just did not ever find it an appealing thought.

DS is formula fed and has been from the start.

My reasons for not breastfeeding; because I tried and my baby was dangerously ill as a result. I tried very hard. But couldn't tell how much (or how little) he was feeding. Healthcare professionals kept supporting me breastfeeding while my baby continued to lose weight. In the end my best friend (mother of two, not a healthcare professional) helped me to see sense.

18 years later I can say with confidence that breast v bottle feeding is a ridiculous argument. I don't even know while we have it. All that matters is that your baby gets enough food and thrives.

My under-nourished then bottle fed baby is now 6'3" at university with lots of friends. My only regret is that I felt I'd failed him at ten days old because breastfeeding didn't work.

My reasons for not breastfeeding: because I didn't want to.

That's good enough for me and my family so it damn well better be good for anyone else.

Tiktok, my post crosse with your follow up. But even if you don't use the 'failure' word it's relevant that it's how many women actually feel when their bodies let them down, and I think in talking about breastfeeding it's reasonable to be sensitive to that fact.

You've read about enough of them on MN, as have I. I know women who still feel like that years later. They talk about failing their babies, or their bodies not working properly or as they're supposed to, and of feeling flawed in some way. Breastfeeding has become such a fraught issue for so many, where the rhetoric on both sides is keyed so high that the emotional consequences for women who are at an extremely emotionally vulnerable time can be quite extreme and lasting.

As you say, thousands read these forums - I think there is as much responsibility to support those who may be struggling as to those at the information-seeking stage.

And being totally honest, I would have felt much better about my own breastfeeding issues if I could have found people who'd experienced the same sort of thing at the time. And I'm incredibly glad I knew about some of the difficulties women have had with early breastfeeding, even if those difficulties were rare, when I started out, because at least I was realistic about it rather than assuming it would be fine, and my baby would know what to do, and that it would be calm and bonding and whatever else. If I'd gone in thinking that, id have broken within the first week.

Tiktok, I read your post as jassy did tio

By the way, I'm not going to apologise for feeling quite strongly about this. Being pregnant a second time and reflecting on my first experience has made me really angry about failures in the system and big problems with the dominant narrative and approach.

In particular, if the NHS doesn't care whether breastfeeding is a positive enough experience to last beyond a few weeks, it should consider dialling down some of the antenatal rhetoric. I'm lucky, I'm relatively tough, I can afford private help and once we passed 4 months we were getting by. I still sobbed about how I was failing my child. The healthcare establishment did not give one flying fuck, but continue to blithely apply large portions of guilt to women who aren't breastfeeding.

jassy, I have no disagreement at all about the importance of being aware that people don't always have a good bf experience, that mothers who wanted to bf can feel failures years later, that it helps to see that others have experienced negative outcomes too, or ambivalent feelings, that keeping the debate and discussion low key rather than fraught is better than ratcheting it up.

You don't really think I am in favour of pretending otherwise? The experience of breastfeeding is not just 'about' the negatives, though. A mother told me the other day that she has no 'space' to say anything positive about her own exp of breastfeeding, despite early problems. She feels women who did not bf, or did not bf for long, will accuse her of being smug. And she's not.

Thanks for letting me know, Yonick. Have a badge or something :)

I'm off to writing school to see if I can somehow get rid of the hidden messages in my posts.

Ugh, the letdown pain! I had briefly forgotten. It upset me terribly. I used to dread letdown. Made me grimace every time.
I remember two whole weeks after stopping BFing, I was driving the car and I had a sudden violent letdown that almost made me swerve the car. I guzzled the Sudafed after that, I can tell you.

I really wanted to BF and educated myself exhaustively beforehand. I knew it'd be hard. I was almost smug with all my knowledge. What I didn't anticipate was ridiculous oversupply. The advice is "block feeding will sort that out!" But in my case, it didn't, even after weeks. I doubt it ever would have. I was always engorged, always in pain, always leaking.....I also had this terrible forceful letdown - my poor DS choked and spluttered and wailed for weeks. The advice: "feed lying down!" Yeah...cos thats so easy out and about.

So even with all my preperation, BFing ended up being massively stressful. To have a baby who seems actually distressed by the feeds..... It really doesn't do your mental health any good. You're sitting on the sofa for weeks, desperately trying to contort yourself into a position so you don't choke your own child.

Oh and public feeding - with my issues forget it. I had to shove a huge muslin into my bra at every feed to catch the dripping milk from all the spluttering and choking. No-one tells you how MESSY BFing can be. I imagined it being a tidy and quiet experience, with much beatific smiling down at golden child. NOPE!

I am currently breastfeeding my 8 month old dd but I know if I had have stopped it would have been because of the negative reaction I've received from dp's family. I have found it quite upsetting just how against it (basically because.. Eww breasts) they are. Especially hardest in the early days when I was just starting out.

Before I started I was most worried about feeding in public, however, once feeding was established and I'd done it out a few times I realised that most people don't notice or care.

Two main reasons:

1. I was really very ill throughout pregnancy. I didn't sleep, threw up constantly, had high BP, ended up with pre-eclampsia and DD was born by EMCS nearly 4 weeks early. Even at 6 months pregnant, I was exhausted and needed to know that DH would be able to feed baby if I was still ill after the birth.
2. I had a 12 year old DSS who lived with us half the week and who was already struggling with the unfounded thought that he would be less important once baby was born. I wanted him to feel involved with the new sibling and neither of us would have been comfortable with me bf in front of him.

I was damned if I was going to be bullied into bf by a midwife (or 10) who repeatedly refused to give advice on ff.

As it turned out, DD was jaundiced and in a phototherapy incubator for 4 days while I was on really strong painkillers and antibiotics post c section so bf wouldn't have been possible anyway.... and THEN a midwife talked me through ff.
My favourite photo is of DSS bottle feeding his sister when she was 12 hours old.

DD is now a thriving child, never ill, no allergies and does well academically.

Must confess, having bf two babies with relative ease (apart from cracked nipples)- no pain on let down , never leaked, was never made to feel embarassed 'in public' and didn't especially mind being tied to a new born- I had no idea how difficult some women find it. With the exception of one, all my friends bf, without apparent difficulty. My DM fed me and DB and was very supportive . I suspect DMIL found it vaguely repellent but had the good sense not to say so !. I feel sad to think so many mums 'miss out' (in my view, and only in my view, I emphasise)on what I found to be a lovely experience .
I do know that many HCPs (my DD2 included) feel very frustrated that they have so little time to support a woman trying to establish bf and that delay in diagnosis and treatment of tongue tie is nothing short of scandalous in some parts of theUK

I bf DD for nearly 15 months. She would never take a bottle. It made me feel incredibly trapped and I'm sure it contributed to my PND.

When DS came along the plan was to mix feed. However, due to various issues including a tongue tie that was undiagnosed until 8 weeks I ended up ebfing for about 4 months anyway.

We are now happily mix feeding, and I'm so glad I can sometimes offer bottles for two main reasons.

He will stop to look around numerous times during a feed and I am just not comfortable being left nipples to the wind like that in public.

Also, doing the bedtime routine by myself with a baby and a toddler is hard work and by the time we're doing stories DS just wants his feed. He'll guzzle a bottle or fuss and cry and pinch at the boob. So I go with the bottle.

Oh and with both of them it was excruciating for the first couple of weeks. It is possible that DD also had an undiagnosed tongue tie but just managed to compensate somehow, I don't know. But either way, with both of them I was, like a pp, on regular painkillers for bf - so so much worse than labour.

Oh and it was only when I paid a lactation consultant to come out that the tongue tie was spotted. No one else was interested because he was putting on weight.

I do think a lot people would have given up in that situation - there was not much support and I wouldn't have blamed them. Not sure why I was so bloody minded, tbh.

Breastfeeding depressed me. Every time they latched on I felt waves of utter and complete despair. I BF for 6months and 4months and it was as much as I could handle.

There are lots of reasons why women don't BF or why they don't do it for long, the main reason though, is that there's an alternative, which some people will take, for most women it's not a matter of if they reach for the alternative, but when.

I just want to say that some of the OPs reasons for disliking BF were more slight inconveniences for me & not something to sway me either way. I also found that everyone told me how hard BF would be, which made me really anxious long before baby was born. I think maybe antenatal classes should describe the reality a bit better- have a mix of opinions. Not everyone finds it hard, not everyone finds it convenient, it's not the end of the world if you can't/don't want to, but here's where you can find more info- that info would be better than breast is best, off you go.

I'm having to top up DC2 at the moment & it made me think about the reasons I want to continue BF- for me I decided that i prefer to give him the most natural food I can while I can, in the same way that I'll make his purées etc myself in a few months instead of using jars or pouches. That's my call though, I'm not looking down on those who don't feel the same. I've friends who only eat organic food etc & would never buy meat in a supermarket for example- that's their call.

The MH issue is huge though, even apart from PND and other serious MH issues. Being prone to anxiety, I did get very isolated the first time around as was afraid to feed in public. Expressing made me very down & as DC1 wouldnt take a bottle, was pointless. This time around I really don't care, I'm not sure why. The only time I was bothered was in a restaurant next to a table of teenage boys, mostly because I was worried they'd make a scene. Don't think they even noticed though.

I don't think FFers & BFers taking opposite corners in the ring on this is helpful. Everyone wants what's best for their baby & their family.

Ps just wanted to add that I've personally found tiktoks advice on BF (& some others on MN) to be invaluable, especially in the absence of knowledgeable support locally for BF. If she wasn't pro BF, she wouldn't give up her time to answer similar questions over & over again from people BFing for the first time who are stressed & have nowhere else to turn.

If mothers want to BF that is up to them, do not expect a gold star for doing something you choose to do. It is not going to make your baby stronger or better than the next one. It is just feeding method, believe it or not it is just milk and not some magical potion turning your baby into superman. What an ego trip that is!!

Secondly if mothers wish to ff they should do so with complete confidence. Throughout history mothers have hated bf for various reasons, hence the need for wet nurses and the like until someone kindly liberated them with the invention of ff. Not everyone wants to live in the stone age. Formula milk is perfectly balanced and will nourish a baby as well as anything. It brings enormous added benefits.

Whatever you choose no one should be made to feel guilty or second rate. A ff baby will blossom as well as any other. Feeding is a very small part of raising a child.

I also dislike the scornful "FF is such Faff having to sterilise and make up and bring bottles with you" line trotted out regularly.

Er, no its not. I fully expected to find FF a huge pain cos I'd believed all that. But its ridiculous. I have a microwave sterilizer and a TT Perfect Prep machine. Its ludicrously quick and easy.

Does anyone else suspect some posters on Mumsnet work for formula companies or am I just being paranoid?

Breastfeeding is a completely new skill when you first come across it. As adults how often do you need to learn a new physical skill. I can only think of driving.

Cos god forbid anyone would have a good word to say about formula feeding.

I would be surprised if you weren't being paranoid. It is however a great way to dismiss anyone who speaks highly of bottle feeding

Thanks, TriciaM :)

Actually, I'm not 'pro-breastfeeding' in the sense I think you mean it - I recognise the fact that human milk is the physiological diet of the young human, and that providing it has a positive health effect. At the same time, I do think an individual mother's emotional and physical well-being should be the driver of infant feeding decisions....and that the individual mother should be the one to decide how far her emotional and physical well-being plays a part. There are no 'good' or 'bad' reasons, but if we want to study the situation, we need to work out which reasons are individual and which are general.

Having said that, I think it would be great if women were able to 'own' their decisions more - that they weren't bounced in and out of them by partners, HCPs, other people's scorn or disdain, or by myths and misunderstanding or poor grasp of the science (seen a few examples of all these on this thread).

Your just being rather 'paranoid'

And God forbid.... 'Am I being paranoid or are some MN actually enlisted by the Breastapo'

Cherrypi, I don't think anonymous posting on a fairly obscure thread in an internet forum would be part of any formula manufacturers' marketing strategy.