Reasons why women don't breastfeed

[ohthegoats]

Today's breastfeeding 'news' from Brazil. I finally heard a sensible comment on the story at about lunchtime today - a woman saying that there shouldn't be surveys on whether or not it's a good thing to breastfeed, because everyone knows it is. The research should be into why so many women don't do it, or don't stick with it.

Here are my reasons why I don't like breastfeeding - has anyone got any to add? Or ideas to mitigate the issues?

After being so out of control of your body during pregnancy, being poked and prodded and 'nanny stated' out of your mind, you want control back.

Little help available when you have problems - I know this isn't true for all people.

Having to wear such unflattering underwear in order to be able to get your boobs out easily. Why hasn't this been sorted out? Why so few underwired options that actually work without causing duct blockages? Why so expensive to get even a crappy underwired one?

Having to wear clothes that are mostly unflattering too. I have one reasonable breastfeeding top out of the 10 I have bought - H&M for a tenner in the sale, not been able to find it again. They are all either too plain coloured, too low necked, horrible material, too tight in other places etc etc.

Getting stared at in public for doing it.

Being confined to the sofa for days on end.

Waking up covered in yoghurt for reasons you don't understand.

Boobs squirting milk during sex.

Think that's my starter list.

I'm 5 and a half months into ebf with my baby... plan to start moving away from it at 6 months. I've done it because it's the 'right' thing, but I've mostly hated it.

'For pleasuring men'

After being so out of control of your body during pregnancy, being poked and prodded and 'nanny stated' out of your mind, you want control back. yes absolutely totally and utterly agree I wanted my body back. Damn good job too. level of difficulty DS had with feeding it would have been an absolute nightmare

Little help available when you have problems. Yep. DD 3 different midwives missed the fact she was starving to death. They all told me how marvellously she was doing. With DS I was told "well you are bottle feeding" No actually the difficulties turned out to be a symptom of his SN, he wouldn't have a strong enough suck to stimulate production, I was right he wasn't getting enough and unlikely to ever get enough

Getting stared at in public for doing it. I wasn't but I felt like I was. I'm not one for sitting around in public with my breasts hanging out and neither of mine were dextrous enough to manage with a covering

Being confined to the sofa for days on end. I had a very active 1 and half year old DD. If DS could have managed it DD would have suffered considerably. As it was I could at least get to the toddler group before I struggled getting food into DS

IMO yes.

But then I can't understand why someone would choose not to do the best for their child if it were possible.

I do realise that sometimes it's not possible though.

and in this day and age there is nothing whatsoever wrong with formula feeding. It kept DD out of hospital when Breast feeding failed and kept DS going when he had a rubbish suck

I would have thought a number of your problems could be generalised to anyone who decided breastfeeding wasn't for them

I'm with tiktok
I haven't worn breastfeeding clothes or bras since DS was a few weeks old. And miss the days of feeding on the sofa

The other myth is that you can't drink and breastfeed. I'd like to see that officially dispelled as a lot of people say they stop as they 'want their life back' (meaning they want a drink)

I'm BF my 20 month old and have had many MANY drinks! If I've just had a few I feed as normal. If I'm drunk I don't feed him that night.

I think a lot of people panic when the first few weeks is so hard and they think it'll be the same when baby is older but IME breastfeeding a baby beyond about 9 months is so different! I'm completely me and can spend time away from him (have had a few days away with work) and fed fine on my return.

I wish there was more education about this.

It would be easy to say "I can't understand why someone would choose not to do the best for their child if it were possible" if we were discussing something as simple as buying a certain brand of formula.

But breastfeeding is not always that simple. It can (and I stress can, as clearly many women enjoy it and find it easy) be painful, depressing, stressful, and many other negative things.

Madame.

Like your cousin I also didn't BF because for me I did not like the though of a baby sucking on my Breast. I was 19 at the time DS was born and made me feel uncomfortable. Breast have been massively sexualised and it kind of grossed me out. So I expressed exclusively, even in the hospital I pumped and did till he was over 2 months old and then decided that I wanted to move onto formula.

Entirely my choice and there is no right or wrong way for why I made my decision to express but not have my DS directly attached to my nipples.

When I had DC4 I was on a postnatal ward with 6 beds. 5 of us started off breastfeeding, after the second night only 3 were still breastfeeding after the third night only two of us were.
I was really struggling with DS he had v.low blood sugar and jaundice and wouldn't wake. I had loads of support from my Midwives to keep feeding him, expressing colostrum and my wishes for him not to have formula were respected. Even when he was sent to SCBU.
I noticed with the other Mums it seemed to go like
"I want to give formula now BF not working/I don't know how much she's having/my boobs hurt"
Midwife or HCA "ok, it's not for everyone. Do you know which formula you want to use?"
There was no offer of extra support or information for these Mums to continue breastfeeding. I know people don't want to be forced to breastfeeding but I felt there was no encouragement or advice at all.

I didn't breastfeed any of mine past the first few weeks/months, for various reasons.

Ds1 had neonatal jaundice, and had to have phototherapy, so feeding on demand was not possible - I was told he had to stay under the lights as much as possible, and I should feed him 4-hourly. When his blood results deteriorated, he got a second set of lights, and I was to,d to feed him 3-hourly, but I was also told I had to top him up with formula, because he needed the extra calories and fluid.

By the time he was discharged, he was almost exclusively formula fed. I did try to re-establish breast feeding - I got a hospital-style breast pump and expressed after every feed - and when, after 10 days, I was expressing no more on day 10 than I had on day 1 (a daily total of 4.5 oz), and he was crying a lot and not settling, I thought it just wasn't going to work, and he was exclusively formula fed from then on.

With ds2, I was really keen to breast feed, and tried really hard - ds2 fed all the time, but having lost 10oz off his birthweight, he either gained weight far too slowly or not at all. At 6 weeks, he still hadn't regained his birthweight, and I had had the HV at the house every day or every other day to weigh him.

Then, at 6 weeks old, he was admitted to hospital with a chest infection and once we were in there, and he was on the antibiotics, they became far more interested in his lack of weight gain - I heard them outside our room, using the phrase 'failure to thrive'. Basically they were not going to discharge him until he started to gain weight, and the only way to do this was to top up with formula - and once I started topping up, the breast feeding failed very fast.

With ds3 I mixed fed from the word go - breast during the day and a couple of formula feeds, last thing at night and over night. If he had 2 formula feeds a day, he gained weight. If I dropped it to one formula feed, his weight gain plateaued.

I decided that, whilst other women make gold top, I only make skim.

Fromparis - you are over-generalising. Many inner city baby clinics have the majority of women breastfeeding....the majority. If there is a high proportion of mothers from certain ethnic groups , there will be a load of breastfeeding :)

Infant feeding survey 2010 found something 97 per cent of Chinese ethnicity mothers initiating breastfeeding....96 per cent Black, 95 per cent Asian. At six months the figures for bf are 66 per cent for Chinese , 61 per cent for Black and 49 per cent for both Asian and Mixed ethnic groups.

www.hscic.gov.uk/catalogue/PUB08694/Infant-Feeding-Survey-2010-Consolidated-Report.pdf

The group least likely to initiate and continue bf are young white working class.

That's why I said it's not always possible though Thurlow.

Your choice wrapped.

Breast aren't there for men though but for babies, they are basically udders

You did what you thought best, your decision totally but I am allowed to express my opinion.

As long as they tried it though, egh?

I ended up breastfeeding for 17 months. It certainly wasn't as the result of any support I got in the early weeks from MWs or HVs who were utterly useless. I was in agony, DS dropped 11% of his birth weight and was refusing to latch, and I spend much of my time as a sobbing mess feeling like a failure. Ditto reflux, when because he was BF and gaining weight no one cared that he was in agony. Support was nominally available via the NHS but unfortunately was not competent. I ended up paying for decent help.

I'm pregnant again and planning to breastfeed again, but I'm going to be more realistic as well. If we have problems again, and the (paid) help doesn't sort it, I'll consider other alternatives.

Tiktok, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound dismissive and patronising. Generally I really value your posts on MN but that one struck a really bad note for me. As someone who BFed for a long time - and honestly value the experience I ultimately had - I think it's important that we acknowledge that breastfeeding isn't unfettered bliss, it isn't easy or straightforward for many, many people, the support that is offered is sub-standard, and that many of the inconveniences of breastfeeding are real for many women and they are no less real because other women don't see them as inconveniences.

I don't think a rose-tinted view is helpful for many, many people - and pushes people who feel like utter failures for finding it tough towards bottles.

It's also important to recognise that people are different. I never found breastfeeding bras I liked. I don't give a shit what they look like, really, apart from decent fabric - I care what they make my boobs look like at a time when I was feeling lumpen and unattractive. That may make me shallow - I can live with that. There is no way I could have used my regular bras, ever, and I'm a C-D cup. I did have to get quite a few new clothes (not necessarily nursing tops though) as my own wardrobe wasn't really workable, even with vests underneath etc.

And I'm bolshy as fuck, and ready to take on the world, but that doesn't alter the fact that people do stare, and some people aren't pleasant. I had some really positive experiences - but there are still some total arseholes in the world.

Ultimately, I found breastfeeding positive as I say, and positively even 'empowering'. But I wouldn't dream of telling other women that they should find it that way if it's making them feel like they don't have control and ownership of their own bodies, regardless of how 'well' it's going.

No, you are putting words down which I didn't say at all.

I have a friend who was sexually abused and didn't and a friend who didn't due to her dd being in scubu and extremely premature and she didn't produce milk. Neither tried and I completely understand.

It's painful, toecurlingly so, tiring but it's a fantastic bonding experience and IMO the best choice. Why a parent wouldn't make the best choice (if it's possible) is beyond me.

If you can lift up your bra to breastfeed you might as well not be wearing it because it clearly doesn't fit at all.

I really hate seeing people pick apart other peoples reasons for not breastfeeding.

If you really care about breastfeeding surely you should be interested so you can learn how to deal with those issues in a kind and supportive way not be dismissive of another woman's experience just because you don't agree with it.

I have fallen in and out of love with breastfeeding a million times over the course of 3 babies and the thing that turns me off the most is sanctimonious patronizing crap that if you aren't enjoying it it's your fault or that if you can't/won't you are failing your baby.

Worst ever example I have seen of that was the posters in NICU which completely ignored the fact that a significant number of mothers whose babies end up there are extremely ill themselves and need gentle support not to be told that if they can't express they aren't doing the best for their baby.

It doesn't matter what they're there for, for me and your cousin it made us feel uncomfortable. You're right, it was my Choice and technically he was still Breast fed, I find there's a lot of judgement from those that BF to those that choose not too..

I wasn't going to sit there hating every second of having a baby on the Breast when I could FF or express not having me hating it and being uncomfortable is far better for my DS.

Your

I live 3000 miles away from family and was on my own with my DD. It didn't help that my milk didn't come in either. I was in agony and the thought of feeding filled me with dread. For the sake of my sanity I switched to FF and delegated some of the feeding to DH when he was home/ not studying so I could sleep and recover from childbirth.

With DS my milk came and I gave it a go. He was losing weight rapidly and showing signs of dehydration. I was returning to work after 8 weeks and I was just exhausted at the thought of pumping in my car 4-5 times per day. If I have more DC I will give it a go as if we have more I will have worked for my employer long enough to have 6 months off. I will also consider requesting a further 6 months off if I BF for the first 6 months... to recover (I joke of course as I know the pain I suffered with during the first two weeks does pass).

tiktok I think those ethnic groups BF so much because there is often a stronger support system in place for the mother. My chinese friends out in Singapore are all BFing with all DC. Often the mother moves in and takes over so their daughter can BF. Also, its very common for Asians to live with their parents. It does make it a darn sight easier to have that support on hand.

If you really care about breastfeeding surely you should be interested so you can learn how to deal with those issues in a kind and supportive way not be dismissive of another woman's experience just because you don't agree with it.

Exactly.

It would be nice to have a discussion about reasons why women don't bf without getting into the whole 'good reason', 'bad reason' debate.

Because by talking about reasons why women don't even try breastfeeding - and a quick scan through this thread shows a variety of reasons - will help breastfeeding support target their support better and approach the reasons why women might make a decision before birth, or give up very quickly.

I don't mean to put words you didn't say, I'm saying how your posts read to me. To me they suggests that any woman who decides not the breastfeed because she feels uncomfortable, or already exhausted or dehumanised by pregnancy, or doesn't want to be stuck to the sofa, is making that decision for "shallow" reasons that just are putting themselves much above their baby.

When life, feelings and emotions are rarely that simple.

I also have to disagree with its a fantastic bonding experience.

What's fantastic for me or your cousin about being uncomfortable. I had a fantastic bonding experience feeding DS with a bottle, dads are always told to feed as its a fantastic bonding experience which would be done through a bottle. I can't say having done both I felt no more bonded to my DS through exclusively expressing then through bottle feeding. the one time I was made to have him on my Breast was nothing but painful, uncomfortable and everything else but bonding

I know several men who were actively unsupportive of their partner trying to bfeed, or doing so beyond the first few weeks or months. And relatives / friends too.

Wrapped ....I also remember wonderful closeness ff dd as does DP.

We bonded amazingly....Despite never ever BF.

I also only found feeding a bonding experience when I was comfortable with the way I was doing it and knew how much they were getting. For me that was bottle feeding.

Jassy, you say "Tiktok, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound dismissive and patronising. " - too right, I did not!!

" I think it's important that we acknowledge that breastfeeding isn't unfettered bliss, it isn't easy or straightforward for many, many people, the support that is offered is sub-standard, and that many of the inconveniences of breastfeeding are real for many women and they are no less real because other women don't see them as inconveniences. "

Eh?

When have I ever, ever ever on mumsnet pretended that breastfeeding is a wonderful experience for everyone? When have I ever, ever denied that support may be poor?

I commented on the OP's personal list, pointing out that some if not all her reasons were personal to her - and I did this, because if we are pondering why women don't bf for long, we have to make a distinction between reasons which are specific to one individuals/a few individuals, and ones which are generally widespread....'cos if we think supporting women to bf is a good thing, and worth doing, then working on the common reasons is easier :) I don't dismiss anyone's reasons, I make no distinction between 'good' and 'bad' reasons, but I do make a distinction between 'something that affects one woman in 100' and 'something that most women who stop breastfeeding can relate to'.

I'm bowing out now.

I am allowed an opinion and haven't said I didn't support anyone but have every right to say I find some reasons shallow or silly when faced with the benefits of breastfeeding.