Reasons why women don't breastfeed

[ohthegoats]

Today's breastfeeding 'news' from Brazil. I finally heard a sensible comment on the story at about lunchtime today - a woman saying that there shouldn't be surveys on whether or not it's a good thing to breastfeed, because everyone knows it is. The research should be into why so many women don't do it, or don't stick with it.

Here are my reasons why I don't like breastfeeding - has anyone got any to add? Or ideas to mitigate the issues?

After being so out of control of your body during pregnancy, being poked and prodded and 'nanny stated' out of your mind, you want control back.

Little help available when you have problems - I know this isn't true for all people.

Having to wear such unflattering underwear in order to be able to get your boobs out easily. Why hasn't this been sorted out? Why so few underwired options that actually work without causing duct blockages? Why so expensive to get even a crappy underwired one?

Having to wear clothes that are mostly unflattering too. I have one reasonable breastfeeding top out of the 10 I have bought - H&M for a tenner in the sale, not been able to find it again. They are all either too plain coloured, too low necked, horrible material, too tight in other places etc etc.

Getting stared at in public for doing it.

Being confined to the sofa for days on end.

Waking up covered in yoghurt for reasons you don't understand.

Boobs squirting milk during sex.

Think that's my starter list.

I'm 5 and a half months into ebf with my baby... plan to start moving away from it at 6 months. I've done it because it's the 'right' thing, but I've mostly hated it.

You may find some reasons "shallow and silly" the person who add that choice doesn't and that is what matters.

I hope, really hope you don't inform your cousin of how shallow and silly you feel her reasons are for choosing how she'll feed her own baby

I hated breast feeding with a passion! It was awful!

I hated leaking everywhere, the pain was truly unbearable at the beginning and never really stopped hurting even after a few months. I was constantly exhausted as I was feeding all night and day.
People DO stare, they really do, and I have never felt so uncomfortable in all my life going out trying to feed a newborn baby comfortably. So I stopped going out, because I couldn't find anywhere to feed my baby. I felt depressed, isolated and lonely. I could not think of a more awful situation than sitting on my sofa week after week. I could feel that I was starting to feel really depressed.
I did not enjoy it whatsoever. Far from thriving my ds started losing weight, I worried and fretted so much, everyone did. She was NOT a happy baby. Her weight continued to plummet and she would cry endlessly and feed endlessly.

It was the most liberating moment, and the defining moment when I truly began to enjoy motherhood when I gave her a bottle of milk!!! It was a turning point for us. My husband loved being involved with feeding her, and felt included, he loved being close to her and really bonded with her, and they have remained close ever since. It was wonderful to be able to go out and not worry!! I could go out anywhere again, and enjoy being with my precious baby, we had great adventures together! I felt so relaxed and happy. My baby was settled and happy which made such a difference, and she stopped losing weight and stopped crying, she became contented and slept well. I got my body back and returned to being a human being and not a feeding machine, and with the freedom to live my life, I enjoyed every moment of her babyhood and childhood. And that is why mothers ditch bf! I know there will be plenty of others who will be hateful about my message ~ I dont care though. I loved every moment of my life once I did what was right for me, and stop listening to everyone else. I look back now and think how happy that time was, the alternative would have been just dire for me and my family. We all have to do what is right for our babies and ourselves, we do not have to be told by anyone else that is for sure.

if we are pondering why women don't bf for long, we have to make a distinction between reasons which are specific to one individuals/a few individuals, and ones which are generally widespread....'cos if we think supporting women to bf is a good thing, and worth doing, then working on the common reasons is easier

I have a suspicion if we took everyone's very personal, specific reasons - the OP talking about unflattering clothing, me talking about having no one to make me dinner - you can actually boil them down to more simple, shared reasons.

I definitely agree that the general reasons are the ones that will help inform breast feeding support, and that is a good thing - but I also think that listening to specific personal reasons is still very helpful.

Tiktok, that's why your post rang such a bad note with me. The way it read to me was that it felt like were basically taking apart OP (who is breastfeeding) point by point - none of her points were valid, or could possibly be common to many women. It read as a list of 'here's how you're doing it wrong /feeling incorrectly about it'. And I'm speaking as someone who ultimately enjoyed breastfeeding.

For example, dismissing being stared at /being made to feel uncomfortable feeding as 'hardly ever happens, really' is denying OP's actual experience, and the experience of plenty of other women who've shared their experiences on MN. Which comes across as quite rude. Why do you know better than OP what has happened to her?

I can accept that you didn't mean it to come across that way - but honestly, most of your post sounded incredibly dismissive of why OP hasn't fond breastfeeding an 'empowering' experience. It's ok not to find it empowering, or 'an independent kinda thing' you know? It's ok to feel like you don't have ownership of your whole body - for some women that's fine, but some find it very difficult to cope with. And I think it's better that we who want to see breastfeeding rates increase acknowledge that.

I get that you didn't mean to make it sound like there are good and bad reasons - but the flippancy in your earlier post made it read that way to me.

Well done everyone who sticks with it. Not much support available generally and lots of guilt if you do not/cannot feed. Have been wearing nursing bras and tops for the last 6 years but then I have never followed fashion .

I think a lot of the reasons given in the initial thread are widespread.

I also think not enough is done to understand why a woman doesn't want to breastfeed.

After Breastfeeding had failed so dismally with DD, I desperately wanted to BF DS. I spoke to me midwife explained how horrific it had been with DD. There response was to send me to what can best be described as a "joys of breastfeeding" class. Quite asides from it being a load of tosh ("don't worry your milk will always come in" Hello part of the reason I'm here is because it didn't the first time) it only served to make me feel worse that it had gone wrong. I ended up sobbing in the loo and because it clearly wasn't helping and I was sent home in case I put anyone off.

It would have been nice if someone had talked me through MY concerns not imposed on me what they thought.

When DS did show some interest in BF, I wanted to pump to because I wasn't convince DS was stimulating the supply and I wanted to see at least some going down his throat (partly after the trauma of DD). The midwife wouldn't help because "why on earth would I do that?". I set it up and did it by myself. I wasn't getting much at all. We persevered but eventually it became clear to me he wasn't getting enough.

I probably could have been helped to breastfeed. but no one ever tried to understand and address why I might not have wanted to.

To my mind we'll never get women to breastfeed until we understand this

My main bugbear is it turns out it can cause excruciating itchy hives ... mentioned on la leche league website but hardly anywhere else.
Asked at playgroup and 2 or 3 bf mums have experienced this, but GPS are loathe to precribe anything.

I bf and am hoping as dd eats more solids and bf fewer times each day it will reduce.

OP if you've hated it so much then I think it seems peculiar that you have kept it up so long. If it was me I'd be worried the baby would pick up on the 'I hate this vibe'. I do think a hell of a lot more needs to be done to support bf mums but I don't think we should all have to become martyr mothers to do it.

Having to wear such unflattering underwear in order to be able to get your boobs out easily. Why hasn't this been sorted out? Why so few underwired options that actually work without causing duct blockages? Why so expensive to get even a crappy underwired one?
I wore a wonderbra for bf. found it an easy shape, could pop in and out easily.

Having to wear clothes that are mostly unflattering too. I have one reasonable breastfeeding top out of the 10 I have bought - H&M for a tenner in the sale, not been able to find it again. They are all either too plain coloured, too low necked, horrible material, too tight in other places etc etc. I'll confess in not into fashion anyway. I just wore long loose tops that the baby could go under if I was out and about. At home I stayed in my jammies if I wasn't going out.

Getting stared at in public for doing it. it's illegal to stop a bf mother in Scotland. I did feel a bit shy doing it out and about but just found a quiet corner where no one ever noticed. I also memorised where all the mother and baby rooms were in town.

Being confined to the sofa for days on end. I did a 3/4 hourly routine so still got out and about. I understand this isn't advised anymore though. I'll admit feeding 24/7 doesn't appeal! I'm due in August- will have to see how it works out this time.

Waking up covered in yoghurt for reasons you don't understand. huh? I did leak at night. It was a pita. I used a bed mat to absorb it if I didn't have my bra and breast pads on.

Boobs squirting milk during sex. never had this. Does sound icky tbh. I leaked once when out for a few hours with a friend. Managed to hide it and leave early but it was embarrassing.

So yes it is hard but a lot of these are societal factors which we could all help to improve.

Squizita, seriously? That sounds awful.

Believe it or not there are a few woman like myself with 'silly and shallow reasons' for not wishing to BF....

I just didn't want to. If I'd had to due to medical reasons I would of course BF.

And guess what I am completely comfortable and extremely happy with my choices....

I'm also an older mum ....comfortable life ....lots of time

You don't always have to go to your 'inner city' communities....non B feeders by choice are out here in all walks of life.

...having said that there are meds you really can't bf on. No woman should feel obliged to come off them to bf if it would risk her health.

I'm going back on my blood aspirin after dd is 1. The agonising back pain every winter is bad enough 1 year ... With a toddler Noo!

My cousin didn't like the thought of a baby sucking on her boob! (I kid you not, she thinks they are for pleasuring men maybe?)

That was a large factor in stopping breastfeeding for me. I hated being suckled on. It is MY body, and I wasn't comfortable sharing it like this. It actively made me miserable. I hated every second.

I can assure you, I am very well aware of what my breasts are designed for, and am under no pretence that they are for anybody's sexual pleasure. As I'm sure your cousin is too.

I'll confess in not into fashion anyway. I just wore long loose tops that the baby could go under if I was out and about. At home I stayed in my jammies if I wasn't going out.

I am dead envious - I had a baby who refused to feed if his head was in any way covered. Mind you, he fed every 2 hours during the day until 6 months (partly linked to reflux and short feeds) so he really wasn't the model breastfed baby.

Loves hats now, the little toad.

Agree that we need to do more to address the societal factors that make it tough - such as the gap between 'it's illegal to ask a BFing mother to leave' and nervous BFing mothers never being made to feel uncomfortable about it.

I had a huge confidence boost my first time BFing DS in public (on a bench in a shopping centre - was desperate) and an 80something lady came and sat beside me. I thought I was going to get an earful about having my boob out but she launched into a gentle monologue on how wonderful it was to BF a baby and how lovely she thought it was that I was doing it.

Helped me through all the times I got filthy looks from middle-aged men and women in cafes.

I didn't breastfeed because I didn't want too.
My baby. My body. My choice.

I don't think this makes me a "bad mum" as I've been told before and I have a perfectly healthy and gorgeous 7 month old who has survived an SMA diet

Jassy, stop having a go at me, please. I was not 'incredibly dismissive' of the OP's experience - I put another viewpoint to show casual readers that there are other, even opposite reactions to the same situations experienced by the OP. It didn't strike me that she needed validating or affirming in anyway, she was not asking for help or sympathy, she was starting a discussion/conversation, and I joined in. You read my words and all of a sudden I am somehow failing to acknowledge that some people don't have a great experience breastfeeding.

Trust me. I am not part of the problem :)

One serious note is I think there should be more support for mh and bf.

Not blithely saying "Oh it releases oxytocin so it's good."

Some issues that could be overcome if anticipated bur not if ignored:
-Sleep deprivation can be bad for women prone to depression;
-Let down can cause seratonin fluctuations causing panic and a hollow feeling of fear (I got this in the 1st weeks)
-If you are anxious or depressed, an ignorant hv putting the fear into you can be terrifying and triggering. Equally topping up or whatever could cause huge guilt.

PND and PNA are common. We need more than "it releases oxytocin" ... We need better training and planning.

Squizita, I agree - there is a huge spectrum of emotional experience when in the postnatal period. Not everyone who has a mental health problem has PND, and not everyone who is suffering has clinically-obvious symptoms. Some women are isolated, sad, lonely, worried...not necessarily 'ill' or needing 'treatment', bar TLC and friendship and confidence-building - without them, caring for a baby and that includes bf, can be overwhelming.

tiktock Can't see how many of your issues around bf are generally applicable, though, goats

I think from this thread a lot of them are very generally applicable. The fact we don't acknowledge them as such is part of why so few BF

I experienced most of these but, in thegrand scheme of things (and let's face it, having children is a massive inconvenience really) think they're pretty lame reasons to not bf to be honest.
So, in mitigation (as requested in your op), and following the same vein as your op, here are some reasons not to bottle feed.

Costs a fucking fortune
Faff of sterilisation.
The screaming whilst making up/warming bottles for a hungry baby. Especially at night. When it's cold. And you don't want to get out of bed.
Washing all those dribbly bibs.
Weight loss and uterus contraction not so quick/easy.
Less excuse to not leave your baby (sorry MIL, baby won't take a bottle so can't leave him with you. / Oh dear, we can't possibly attend this incredibly expensive child free wedding in the middle of nowhere.)
The greater chance of ear infections, gastrointestinal problems, obesity etc - and the numerous trips to the doctor that entails.
The lack of immediately available baby soothing equipment. Have found bf helps with ear equalisation in aircraft, teething pain, sleep inducement etc.
All that extra stuff to carry around. Have nappy pouch and spare vest, off we go.
The stench of ff baby poo.

Thought I'd seen it all on these feeding threads....

Alas not

My bf babies crap smells better than yours

Do ebf babies not dribble on bibs??? DS was mix fed and he got through loads.

Squizita - my struggles with breastfeeding led pretty directly to me becoming depressed after the birth of each of my three dses. At the time this was diagnosed as PND, but as I have recently realised that I was depressed when I was 14, and have had it ever since (with bad patches and better ones, over the years, of course) it is possible that it wasn't PND but that my problems with breastfeeding had tipped me into a slide into another bout of clinical depression.

Regardless, I have blamed myself for years - I used very negative language, saying I 'failed' to breastfeed - that was very damaging.

Found less upchuck after bf compared to formula - maybe just my experience?

My darling FF baby did amazingly well with pressure on the plane because I gave him a bottle on take off and landing. So well people didn't even know he was on board (had numerous didn't even realise a baby was on here comments when getting off)

His shit does stink still to high heaven