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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH asking me when I'm going to stop breastfeeding

63 replies

cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 20:03

DD is 18mo, and still BFs a lot, including through the night, but is fine without it for a whole day if I'm not around (not attempted bedtime with no boob!).
Her big brother stopped at about 13mo, when I was pregnant with DD, but we had been cutting down on purpose for months because I believed I needed to due to returning to work/because I thought that weaning meant "completely replacing breastmilk with food".

DH has asked me a couple of times (again today) when I'm planning to stop. He says he isn't having a go, but he is certainly unconvinced of the benefits of longer-term bfing, and even believes that still bfing at say 4 years could be psychologically damaging.
He's well educated, very evidence-based, and to him the lack of large studies means that for him there is no proof that bfing past about 1 is beneficial in a developed nation. Not sure why he doesn't even believe the WHO's "for at least 2 years" recommendation.

I guess I just feel upset that I have to justify breastfeeding to my husband. I can't convince him, I have to let him read the evidence for himself and hopefully convince himself. But I don't think he sees it as an important enough issue to spend his precious time researching.

Just :( really.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 20:04

Are there some large studies I can point him at?

OP posts:
YokoUhOh · 10/09/2014 20:07

My DH is the same. I think it's because we (22mo DS and I) co-sleep, too. And my periods haven't returned, so we're unable to have a sibling for DS at the moment. No advice, sorry :( He couches it in, 'I'm worried about you not getting enough sleep' terms, but I think he thinks it's inconvenient.

CaptainFracasse · 10/09/2014 20:12

No answer re studies I'm afraid but I'm wondering if your DH doesn't have more issues about the bfing after 12 months just because of some silly preconceived ideas about boobs.

If he is as educated as says, then he will know that 1- big studies often contradict each other
And 2- it's not because big studies don't exist that things don't exist.

I would ask him if he can point out to big studies that show that bfing after x time us psychologically detrimental to the child.

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 20:16

Yes, I agree with much of that, Captain.

I hope he doesn't just have boob-hang-ups! He's a flipping doctor and reckons he's all objective about bodies, but I think some things are hard to be completely rational about.

OP posts:
kelda · 10/09/2014 20:18

Just tell him you and your child enjoy it still and see no reason to stop. You don't need to quote loads of scientific evidence to justify continuing to bf.

LetThereBeCupcakes · 10/09/2014 20:19

No advice really but my DH is the same. Having said that, he's not mentioned it for a month or so - perhaps he's given up! I understand how you feel though, it's horrible feeling that you have to justify yourself.

Mama1980 · 10/09/2014 20:24

Aim him at the Full WHO guidelines, (will come back and link later if I get a minute) their evidence is detailed and for me convincing.
But because you want to is a reason in itself.
Fwiw I breast fed my eldest ds until he was just 4 he self weaned naturally then, I still feed my ds2 at 18 months and will continue to do so as long as he wants.

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 20:27

That's an excellent point, kelda :)

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/09/2014 20:30

tell him that youll stop when it feels right, but at the moment its not bothering you

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 20:40

Yes Bran, I said similar to begin with. Then we got into the whole "why should we/shouldn't we" thing.

OP posts:
morechildrenplease · 10/09/2014 20:40

Couldn't agree more with kelda. Also there is more to health than things that can be measured in purely physical terms. How you and your little one feel about bf or not is equally important.

MadameJosephine · 10/09/2014 20:46

Another one who agrees with kelda. When I am asked when I plan to stop bf 22 mo DD I just say that I have no current plan to stop but that we will stop when one of us decides it is time.

Can he show you a 'large study' which shows it is harmful to continue? No? Didn't think so :)

wafflingworrier · 10/09/2014 20:55

i think he may (though he may not consciously admit this to himself or you) be a little bit jealous
yes breastfeeding is good, healthy and right for your child as long as they and you want to.
yet this also means, expecially if you co-sleep, that he feels he never gets you all to himself. it's illogical on many levels, but i think it is fair enough that he asks how much longer it will be.
maybe he never realised how long you would breastfeed for, so just wants to know how much longer it will be.
it's fine to point him in the direction of research and give a fuzzy "whenever the baby's ready" answer, but i think most men prefer definite time-scales, like "i will definitely stop when the child is 4".
obviously, breastfeed for as long as you like, but i think giving your husband a definite time will help him.
also, if it's possible, try and go on date nights or spend quality time together eg one evening a week once children are in bed commit to staying up together and watching a film/tv/reading books/talking.
that way both his concerns are answered.

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 10/09/2014 21:19

Thanks, waffling, I haven't been thinking of it like that.
We do usually get the whole evening together once the dc are in bed, but we are so tired we just watch telly and nod off!

We don't co-sleep all night, and sometimes not at all, but DH sort of evicted himself down to the sofa-bed bloody months ago when he had a terrible cough and has stayed there, citing DD being in the bed sometimes as a reason. She wouldn't be in the bed if he came back, but he won't come back while she is sometimes in the bed.
It is understandable that he feels pushed out :(

OP posts:
RedKites · 10/09/2014 22:28

Kellymom has a list of benefits of breastfeeding past one . I don't know if they will meet his 'large study' criteria, but they are all referenced.

CaptainFracasse · 11/09/2014 07:45

cake by any chance, is he not relating the bfing with the co-sleeping? Ie if you stop bfing then you will also stop co sleeping? forget the fact that most peoe just start in the same bed and move to the spare bed only if needed. So they spend at the very least one big part if the night eroding with their DP

Tbh the most stubborn people on this subject I have met were also health professionals (incl a woman paed. Think CC at 3 months, no feeding at night from x weight, which said baby had very early on as he was a big baby etc).
I thinl they are heavily influenced by what they had been told at school when training and think that they always know best on these subjects.
Do you gave any idea of whenyou would like to stop?

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 11/09/2014 09:18

I don't know if he's seeing the bfing and the co-sleeping as the same issue.
The discussion we had yesterday was very much about the benefits (or lack of!) to DD of still consuming my milk.

I don't know when I'd like to stop. If DD slept without boob, it would be a reasonable option any time, I suppose. But for now it really isn't, so whenever she's ready really. I wouldn't have a problem still bfing her at 4, but I know DH wouldn't be impressed.

OP posts:
rattlesnakes · 11/09/2014 09:29

If he's quite "medicalised", he might struggle to understand because there aren't really any health benefits to extended breastfeeding in this country. WHO recommendations to bf until 2 years are written with developing countries in mind, where they don't have access to clean water and good nutrition. So it might help to explain it to him more in terms of emotional/practical advantages for you and your DD.

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 11/09/2014 11:32

There are though, rattlesnakes!

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 11/09/2014 13:19

As a doctor, does he appreciate the transfer of antibodies via breastmilk, helping your DD either not get ill or get over it quicker? That doesn't stop at any age. Also breastmilk is always made up of constituents that are exactly what a toddler needs, human milk for a human child is clearly more suitable than other types of milk.

NickyEds · 11/09/2014 16:13

Just a couple of things from your posts op make make think this might not be about the health benefits of bf-"still BFs a lot, including through the night" and "DH sort of evicted himself down to the sofa-bed bloody months ago". You could argue studies until you're blue in the face but I suspect that that your DP won't be happy until he's back in his own bed!!
I can understand you wanting to carry on bf your lo but could there be any sort of compromise about the sleeping and feeding at night. I bet your dp wouldn't care if it was just during the day because, well, it would have nothing to do with him really!

Original poster
cakesonatrain · 11/09/2014 19:52

When we move house DD will have her own room and DH will come back to his own bed.
I do take your point (and you're not the only one that's made it) but the conversation didnt feel like it was about that. DH isn't one for dancing around the point.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 11/09/2014 19:54

He just wants his bed back....

He's all sofa bedded out Blush

NickyEds · 11/09/2014 19:57

Doesn't he listen to the "I want to carry on, dd wants to carry on, it's emotionally beneficial and we both like it"?? I could sort of understand it if it was massively impacting his sleep etc but thinking it "damages" a child is plainly ridiculous!

Iggly · 11/09/2014 19:57

There are no studies which say it is harmful.

So tell him you'll stop when ready.