DH asking me when I'm going to stop breastfeeding

[cakesonatrain]

DD is 18mo, and still BFs a lot, including through the night, but is fine without it for a whole day if I'm not around (not attempted bedtime with no boob!).
Her big brother stopped at about 13mo, when I was pregnant with DD, but we had been cutting down on purpose for months because I believed I needed to due to returning to work/because I thought that weaning meant "completely replacing breastmilk with food".

DH has asked me a couple of times (again today) when I'm planning to stop. He says he isn't having a go, but he is certainly unconvinced of the benefits of longer-term bfing, and even believes that still bfing at say 4 years could be psychologically damaging.
He's well educated, very evidence-based, and to him the lack of large studies means that for him there is no proof that bfing past about 1 is beneficial in a developed nation. Not sure why he doesn't even believe the WHO's "for at least 2 years" recommendation.

I guess I just feel upset that I have to justify breastfeeding to my husband. I can't convince him, I have to let him read the evidence for himself and hopefully convince himself. But I don't think he sees it as an important enough issue to spend his precious time researching.

Just :( really.

I would put your dd in her own bed though. You don't need to do cosleeping.

I dont think the set up is good tbh.

Your co sleeping and your dh is permanently on the sofa. Thats not a healthy family set up.

Dd is almost 2 and has never got in our bed EVER. It was something i never started.

I think your dd needs to be in her own bed. Let dh sleep in his own bed every night and see if he stops mentioning the breastfeeding. He may be using that as an excuse to get back in his own bed

"Then we got into the whole "why should we/shouldn't we" thing."

That's the point at which I'd have got annoyed. It isn't a "we" (i.e. you and DH) thing, it's a "me and our child" thing. It would only be of genuine concern to him if your baby wasn't thriving or if it was making you ill or unhappy in some way.

He can't see the benefit. That's cool, he doesn't need to. You do and it's you who is providing the breastmilk. I doubt if he can come up with any peer reviewed evidence which backs up his theory that still BF at 4 years old can be damaging, and anyway your child isn't anywhere near 4 yet so it's irrelevant at present. I'd tell him that I'd revisit that opinion when and if I was still BF as our child neared four years.

And I speak as someone who didn't breastfeed, I just believe that if you want to and you and your baby are happy and healthy with it you shouldn't be deterred.

I'd address the co-sleeping and DH on the sofa as another issue - I'd want to address that as I would be concerned that it's not healthy long term for the marital relationship (I don't mean sex, that's just part of it, I mean connecting, affection and re-establishing an adult bond between partners).

How is co-sleeping not a healthy family set-up? Why are you a 'better family' if you refuse to co-sleep?

I didnt say i was a better family, its just not ideal a husband or partner sleeping in seperate rooms or beds.

It puts a divide between the couple.

Separate*

"we" referred to me & DD

Breastfeeding an older baby or toddler has all the health benefits as for a newborn plus certain health benefits have been shown to be dose related so longer = better

www.llli.org/ba/may06.html

www.llli.org/release/intelligence.html

Benefits for you

www.llli.org/release/cancer.html

Less well referenced but still good

abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/breastfeeding-your-toddler/
Plus the kellymom link from pp is also v good.

As for co sleeping consider getting the new book Sweet sleep from LLL. It is very good, practical and also reassuring.

As an aside, I got a d&v bug three days ago, my dd who is 18 months old, normally cosleeps and bf several times a night, spent her very first night away from me at my dm's while I spent the night in the bathroom. She was fine, seemed to enjoy it, not many tears. No engorgement for me.

Straight back to normal as soon as she got home though! But I find it reassuring to know she can have the night off her beloved milk without too much trauma

Ps myhusband

No couple divide here. We all get a full nights sleep, that's priority in a busy family

Dh's snoring used to wind me up anyway and he likes watching films till 1am.

Sleep is sleep.. Who cares where you do that? Can do other stuff together but sleep separately with no issues

Why is an 18 month old not sleeping right through the night in her own bed with the husband in his rightful place in his bed rather than on a sofabed.

No wonder he is pissed off.

Setting aside the fact the op's dh isn't happy, there is nothing wrong with an 18 mo cosleeping

It's just one way of doing things.

I'm with your dh ( sorry) give the man his bed back.

You don't need to bf past 12 m, you might want to, that's a different story.

Maybe he wants your body back too.

Amothersplace and myhusband and hooby and iggly

how can you be so sure you know what's right for people you have never met?

Some people cosleep, some believe it's the best thing to do. Agree both parents have to be on board but it's more helpful to offer practical tips on making everyone comfortable etc and time for mum and dad when not sleeping than just to say get dd out of the bed. Things aren't always that simple

feel like I'm in a parallel universe

I guess those of you posting haven't ever had an 18 mo who bf and cosleeps

You don't just magically pop them in bed and get in your own bed, have meaningful adult bonding time and go to sleep

It's really not that simple.

It is the op's body, not a possession of her dh to get back.

I'm afraid ppl are being judgmental of ops choices rather than offering any helpful advice.

I think DH wants to sleep in the bed with you again, but doesn't see how that will happen while you're still bf. It's not an unreasonable question to ask when there is a direct, adverse impact on him.

Yokouhoh, you do realise your periods haven't returned BECAUSE you are breast feeding?!

As the owner of a DD who BF long long after she started school, I can assure him it has no phycological effects whatsoever.

Unless those effects are to make her the only sociable, non eccentric in the house

Nothing helpful to add here sorry- as in same boat as some PP- co sleeping and BF at 2.5yrs. Helpful to know not alone with this though. I can accept it's not always comfortable in bed with a wriggly toddler for DH but really get fed up of the nagging about it and asking for a timetable of when it all stops. Actually because I BF and cosleep he has had LOADS more sleep than other dads get- and gets way more than I do- there is no night time crying or bottle faff and DH gets to sleep right through. he really cares what others think and do though, apparently and tries to make me think it's wierd to still BF because our DS has teeth/can ask for BF/will remember doing it/or other people find it weird. I think anyone who is bothered by this is not worth bothering about.. And obviously this protest is really about DH wanting the pre-kids freedom/privacy/intimacy back. I can see his points in some ways but also for all the reasons PP have said I feel that he's the adult and just needs to take the long view re benefits of BF/cosleep to DS (and to himself in many ways...)

We don't fully co-sleep. Sometimes she's in her cot all night (well, apart from when she's feeding). Sometimes, when she wakes at 4am I BF her back to sleep but know that she won't stay asleep when transferred to her cot, so just lie her down next to me.

If we had more than 2 bedrooms, DH would be in our room, DD would have her own room, and if she was unsettled I guess I'd be sitting up with her in her room/sleeping with her in the spare room.

I have pointed out to DH whenever he mentions it that it was him to chose to sleep downstairs when he had a cough, and it's him who has chosen not to come back upstairs. So I take advantage of the extra space to get some more sleep.

Oh and just to add as OP wasn't asking about the cosleeping.. I know other mums of primary age kids who don't cosleep but do have nighttime BF. Honestly 18 mos is no age at all for 'still' BF, so evidence-gathering aside, just stick to what you feel is best for your child and you, OP.

George9978, the OPs body belongs to her and what she chooses to do with it is in her power to decide. Her DH doesn't get to "have her body back" as it wasn't his in the first place.

It is perfectly possible to be a breastfeeding mother, and also to be sexual with your DP/DH. It's not one or the other. It's also quite clear that the DH has chosen to absent himself from the bedroom, despite being welcome to return.

Does he think that bfing at 4 years is psychologically damaging for the child or the parent?
All 3 of my children have bf until they were 4, and I don't think that any of us are damaged.

cakesonatrain this is just my thoughts on the situation ... if I have read it right... have I read it right..... he moved down to the sofa bed because of a cough and has not returned. You would be happy for your daughter to go to her own cot but as your husband has not returned your dd is sleeping in the bed with you?

If so, I think he is wanting you to invite/encourage him back and he might see your putting your dd in her own cot and actively wanting him back in the joint bed as a positive thing. If you want to do this you may find he is very happy and may not talk about the breast feeding any more.

Whatever happens, it is (OF COURSE) your body and so you can choose to do with it as you like, including feeding your child with it. There will be benefits to your child (and lots of evidence for that) and I can't see any negatives for it at this age. I think there is more to meet the eye in your husband responses, he sounds jealous and this is probably quite common when one member of a couple has their time is stretched between children and partner.

Hope things work out well and enjoy your time breast feeding. I stopped when dd was almost a year to try and have another baby (never successfully got pregnant again but now have a gorgeous son too) and so I guess what I am saying is do only give up when it is right for you. I gave up for something that didn't actually happen and maybe it would have been good to carry on a bit as this was my one experience of breast feeding a child. Enjoy it while you can.

Culture, of course the op's body belongs to her, however a husband that sleeps alone on the sofa and is unhappy is a bit sad.

A marriage is about both parties being happy.