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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Midwives should never make mothers feel guilty

87 replies

mears · 09/07/2006 13:57

I have seen this comment many times from mnetters feeling that they have been made to feel guilty by midwives when they choose to bottlefeed for any reason.

I would just like to say that it can be really difficult to support women through any difficulties that they might be encountering without seeming to say 'breast is the best' way to feed a baby.

When a woman has made the decision to breastfeed, the absolutely worst thing the mum can do with a full term healthy baby is introduce a bottle of formula within the first week. Formula does not correct feeding problems, it compounds them especially if given via a teat.

Babies suck the breast differently than a teat which works in a different way. Mothers need to know how to latch babies properly and know when they are feeding effectively. Babies that are constatly at the breast are usually not latched on properly (causing sore/cracked nipples) or may actually be at the breast but sucking infrequently. Babies are often rooting to get on, then once they are there falling asleep. These babies are best to be stimulated to stay awake during a feed by gently stroking them, blowing gently on their cheek etc. All babies feed better when they are 'skin-to-skin'.

Because there are solutions to breastfeeding problems, midwives will try and dissuade mothers from giving formula. Yes you can express when a feed has been missed because a baby's stomach is full of formula, but a pump is not as effective as a baby at stimulating milk production. It is also the last thing that a tired mum wants to have to do. Also mothers feel undermined when a baby glugs milk out a bottle when they have faffed around at the breast. A baby full on breastmilk will always suck formula from a teat because it is something different. The amount of formula that a baby takes does not equate to how much EBM they need. Mothers then feel they are not producing enough. Confidence is then shattered.

When trying to support a woman through this time, midwives can come across as trying to make women feel guilty when they say they want to give a bottle. The woman needs know the downsides of giving a bottle at this stage. If she wants to still do that, then that is her choice. She should not feel guilty about it. It may make establishing breastfeeding harder in the longrun, but some women find they are still able to do that.

Unfortunately a number of women feel sad that they haven't been able to continue and often that is as a result of poor support from professionals. Sometimes women do not realise that the 'lovely midwife who told me my baby was starving and to give her a bottle' is the one who has encouraged her to fail in her attempt to breastfeed her baby.

Some women try breastfeeding and find that the experience is not one they enjoy. I personally think it great when women say clearly 'I hate this and want to bottle feed'. No problem I say, which formula do you want to give.

No-one should have the ability to make anyone else feel guilty. Women need information to make the right choice for them. Some women will decide that they cannot cope with the demands where breastfeeding has got off to a poor start. They have no need to feel guilty. They are making a choice that is right for them.

Breastfeeding going well is a wonderful experience. Women can get breastfeeding off to a good start by learning as much as they can before delivery and also by having professionals around who can advise them well. Unfortunately that does not always happen

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/07/2006 14:00

I think there will ALWAYS be guilt associated w/being a parent. No matter what. The rearview mirror is always 20/20.

foundintranslation · 09/07/2006 14:01

Great post mears. Hear hear. If ds and I had had a midwife like you around in hospital we could have been spared 4 weeks of stress and worry struggling to establish bf. We succeeded in the end but so many don't.

expatinscotland · 09/07/2006 14:05

True, FIT. Things would have been so much different for me and DD1 if I'd had MN or midwives like mears.

But it's in the past now, and thankfully b/c of MN and midwives like mears, DD2 was bf'd to 6 months!

I'm now back at work, she's 7 months and she's on formula and food and doing well.

foundintranslation · 09/07/2006 14:07

well done expat!

FloatingOnTheMed · 09/07/2006 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 09/07/2006 14:10

She's a wee stoater as well. Big, strapping girl.

She does love her porridge.

southeastastra · 09/07/2006 14:17

i was just left to get on with it with my 2nd son. he was born two weeks early by csection and they didn't really advise anything other than to give him a cup with formula in it. i just sort of had to bluff my way through it. i think when you've had one child they assume you know what you're doing, where the circumstances were completely different.

FrannyandZooey · 09/07/2006 14:25

"I personally think it great when women say clearly 'I hate this and want to bottle feed'."

Yes good point and I think women must be able to say this if we are going to lose all the pointless guilt surrounding bottle feeding. It irritates and saddens me to be told by a friend that "I stopped because I didn't have enough milk". Do they really believe this? Do the midwives tell them this? Do they think it is the only "excuse" I, as a breastfeeding mother, will accept? Do they think they need an excuse? It effectively shuts down any conversation you can have about the whole subject, which is a shame.

ScoobyDooooo · 09/07/2006 14:30

Great post mears.

When Ds was born i only managed to bf for 4 days i had no support at ALL no one helped me through the worst of times & i was a first time mum & not on mn, i felt very upset emotional & now when i look back i feel i gave up to soon & yes i do regret it but at the time if someone had supported me i probably would have a got alot further.

I then fell pg with dd & really wanted to try hard to bf, i got some help from a lovely midwife in hospital the morning dd was born, the midwife that delived dd was not very good she just left me to it & did not help at all, i then got moved to the ward & the lovely midwife that moved me spent half an hr helping me with the latch & things.

when i got home i did have some bad days & nearly gave up i had a Very supportive friend & she came round & helped me with my sore nipples etc etc because i was in a right state ready to give in, i also had a lovely midwife come to my house & she helped me also with the way i was holding dd to the breat & getting my nipple into dds mouth right.

I remember reading alot hunkermumnker had written on mn & her advice really helped me though (bet you never new that hunker)

I managed to bf dd till 4 months not as long as i would have liked but things changed & life got on top of me & i got pnd so i struggled & felt i did not have the energy to fight again so i slowly reduced the feeds & was only doing the night feeds from my breat.

I am still sooo happy i manged those 4 months though i am proud that i made it through the hard times & carried on for that long, its well worth it & i really enjoyed it

FloatingOnTheMed · 09/07/2006 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScoobyDooooo · 09/07/2006 14:38

Yes thats me with ds i had really bad painful nipple & sores they were all cracked & i was crying at every feed, i lasted an extra day & night & gave up because i could not take the pain & new no better as i was a 1st time mum.

expatinscotland · 09/07/2006 14:52

when i first called the NCT i was in tears! went to the counsellor's house that night w/blisters all over. first thing she said was 'bet she's (dd2) not opening her mouth wide enough.'

sure enough, when dd2 started fretting a few moments later, i was putting nipple in her mouth w/her little mouth barely open, and then she'd promptly clamp down.

even w/blisters healing up slowly, w/dd2 properly latched i hardly felt it!

mears · 09/07/2006 16:01

Glad to see you agree with me so far

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/07/2006 16:02

Well done, scooby!

mears · 09/07/2006 21:54

bump for evening crowd

OP posts:
julienetmum · 09/07/2006 21:59

No-one made me feel guilty that I didn't attempt to breastfeed dd. I did it to myself. This later turned to anger that I was not better supported by both famiy and health professionals.

mears · 09/07/2006 22:05

How did that come about Julietmum?

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mears · 09/07/2006 22:05

sorry julienetmum

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Littlefish · 09/07/2006 22:21

My midwife didn't make me feel guilty. I did, and still do it all by myself! Dd is now nearly 20 months old, and I am still feeling a sense of great loss that I didn't manage to breastfeed successfully and stopped after about 3 - 4 weeks.

I totally agree with your comments about people having the right information. I thought I had the right information, but then didn't get the right support through my GP. I just didn't know how to ask for the help I needed.

mears · 09/07/2006 22:23

Why should you feel guilty Littlefish? You cannot make informed decisions without all the information.

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Tommy · 09/07/2006 22:24

I wasn't made to feel guilty for giving up with DS1 (HV told me to go onto formula but that's another story). TBH what I found was the MWs are so anxious not to pressurise you and make you feel guilty that they went a bit the other way

Littlefish · 09/07/2006 22:29

I think I feel guilty because I so, so, so wanted to breastfeed. It had never occurred to me that I wouldn't succeed. Dd was very wanted, and had taken us a long time to conceive, so I had a very idealistic view of what everything would be like.

I feel guilty because I didn't ask for enough help. I was in a huge amount of pain, one breast was completely engorged, blistered and bleeding and I was throwing up through mastitis. At the time, I just couldn't see that it was ever going to get any better and unfortunately, I didn't have anyone close to me to support me. My MIL was the only person I saw regularly, and she didn't breastfeed so just encouraged me to give up.

I now know that I should have by-passed my GP (other than for antibiotics) and gone straight to LLL or NCT. I just didn't want to cause anyone any bother because I was feeling so ill.

Sorry Mears - a bit of a blurt!

mears · 09/07/2006 22:39

That is so understandable in your situation Littlefish. How could you be rational when you were in so much pain? Definitely no need to feel guilty. You did what you could. You will take that experience with you if you have another baby and hopefully things will turn out differently if you give breastfeeding another go. You will be much wiser. Do not feel guilty please

OP posts:
mears · 09/07/2006 22:40

BTW - why should you have asked for help? It should have been on offer.....

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 09/07/2006 22:44

Mears, that's a brilliant post.

I wish more was done antenatally with breastfeeding information - and not just a list of facts about the "benefits" of breastfeeding (I use the word benefit advisedly, since it's a loaded term with something that should be "the norm", I believe).

When I was pg with DS1, I was asked at my 13w booking appointment how I intended feeding my baby. I said, "With the placenta for some weeks yet, I think!", the midwife laughed, I said, "I'm going to breastfeed" and she said, "Good, lovely" and wrote down (or ticked, can't remember) breastfeeding.

Then at the NHS antenatal classes, a midwife went through breastfeeding, showing us positions with a doll (different one from the one with the knitted placenta attached - cue bemused MrHunker saying "Why has the baby got a parachute?" ). Not much was said about what normal breastfeeding was though - just nose to nipple, tummy to mummy, errrr, breastfeed a fair bit and your baby will errrr like it. Or something.

The next time anyone said anything to me about bfeeding was on the ward in the middle of the night when a midwife assistant grabbed hold of my boob and folded my nipple back on itself before shoving it into DS1's mouth - imagine folding your ear up to get it into a keyhole - it was about as effective. I said "Oh, yes, that's great, thanks" through gritted teeth, she left and I spent the next five weeks sobbing and steeling myself for feeds and stubbornly thinking "well, if nobody wants to help me, I will bloody well do it myself". Oh, and DH said, also in the middle of the night "Well, if it's making you feel that bad, give him a bloody bottle!"

I wish I'd had MN when I was bfeeding for the first time and known then what I know now.

It's very, very hard to talk about how much you enjoy bfeeding in RL, I think (and on here sometimes) - I often don't say as much as I'd like to in RL for fear of seeming smug (although if someone's having problems, I will always offer to help - I had a call the other day from a friend with early symptoms of mastitis).

I am sad and angry that not every woman who wants to bfeed is given the support and information to do so, and that so often it is other women who scupper her chances of doing this incredible thing. I am also sad that I feel I ought to downplay how utterly amazed I am at my body's ability to nourish my babies for a full half year (and possibly beyond - will see with DS2, who is in no hurry for food!) without any other form of food or fluid, in case I upset somebody who hasn't managed to bfeed.

I agree with Franny that those women who say "I didn't have enough milk" or some other myth to explain why they didn't bfeed don't help anybody - but then, they probably didn't have decent information, introduced formula early on, were told that a few bottles wouldn't hurt, had family who said, "Ooh, he's a whopper, you'll never feed a baby that big yourself", etc, etc.

I do wish it was seen as more socially acceptable to say "Actually, I don't want to breastfeed". But then I also wish it was socially acceptable to say "Oh, go on, give it a go - you can't know you won't like it unless you try"

And ScoobyDooooo... I am so glad I helped - and thank you for saying, it means a lot to me when people have posted to say I've helped them bfeed

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